starlight14 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I found a text message today on my husbands phone saying I know it's late but can you talk. I then went to him and asked him who she was and why she texting him? Come to find out she was a married client of his that he had done some computer work for. He said that he had no idea why she was contacting him and that he had not spoken to her. What he didn't know was that when i saw the text i also checked his phone calls and saw that he had called her back not that night but the next day at work. Caught in a lie about talking to her he finally admitted it. But not before he deleted his call log to her (not knowing that I had already seen it). He said that they were friends and that she was calling just to talk about some family problems. He goes on to tell me all kinds of personal info about her and her family. When I asked him how many times he has talked to her he said that he did not know even when I asked for an estimation. He said that I caught him off guard when I asked him about the text and he he lied because he did not want me to get upset. If there is nothing to hide why did I not know he was friends with her and that's he was talking to her. He went on telling how sorry he was that he lied and how much he loves me. He said that there was nothing going on and that he never thought of her as more than a friend. We have been together for over four years and he has never lied to me or given me any reason to believe that he is unfaithful. So my question is why is a married women with children confiding in my husband which she has only known for a short while about her personal/family issues??? Why is she texting him to talk?? Should I call her and confront her about this??
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 You have caught things early - they are at the beginning of a classic EA. Should I call her and confront her about this?? No. If she wants to be with your husband, nothing you say or do is going to stop her from that pursuit or stop her from lying to you and gaslighting you. Except, of course - finding out who her husband is and sharing your concerns with him without the knowledge of your H or the MOW. Having two spouses with wide open eyes tends to slow things down considerably.
freestyle Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I'd like to recommend that both you & your husband read the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.. LB, is right, this is the beginning of an emotional affair---which is laid out in the book I mentioned. It can happen very slowly, insidiously--but once the boundary is crossed, and the two parties involved begin sharing deeply personal information, an emotional bond will form. Starlight, would you say that your husband is a KISA type? (Knight In Shining Armor) Does he get an ego boost from playing "the rescuer"?
Author starlight14 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 That is my concern an emotional affair evolving into an out right affair and that is what expressed to him. I told him that I'm sorry but I do not believe any good can come out of this and that this is just asking for trouble. When I asked my DH how do you think this womens husband would feel about his wife confiding in another man he said that he knows and is o.k with it. I have a hard time believing that. I do not know this women but I do not believe she is happy in her marriage or that her intentions are innocent in the least. My husband and I have hit a few rocky patches in our marriage due to finances and having a teenager and two children under the age of five leaves us with little time to spend together. My husband is a very nice guy and goes out of his way to help people but he is also very naive because of this he often thinks that everyone has as good intentions as he does and that gets him taken advantage of often. So as for being a (KISA) I guess you could say that he is. I totally agree with both the posts above. Thanks for the advice I will look for the book mentioned above.
Woman In Blue Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 This was more than her simply "unloading" supposed family problems on him or he wouldn't have lied about it to you again and again. I'm calling bullsh*it on that story. "Family problems" is most likely the LAST thing they talked about - unless your husband is a licensed therapist? And her husband may very know that she calls your husband - but I'm sure she told her hubby that it was probably computer questions she's discussing with your husband. These two are transparent as glass.
freestyle Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 That naivete that you indicated about your husband, is often one the key ingredients in the recipe for an EA (emotional affair). Your H is being dismissive of the dangers, without really understanding the how the dynamics work. He may be a member of the "as long as I don't do anything physical, it's NOT cheating" camp. Which is a common misconception. If it gets to the point were he begins discussing YOUR private marital issues with her, you are going to feel very betrayed. Essentially , he's allowing a third party into your marriage, without your permission, or blessing.Someone, who's not likely to be a neutral third party observer, but who may very well have an agenda of their own.(if her marriage is that bad, she may be grooming your H to be a soft place to land--with no regard for the fact that he's already married.If she puts enough bugs in his ear, and starts chipping away at the weak spots in YOUR marriage (which she will become privy to, if your H starts to confide in her as well.......)(READ=undermining) you've got a recipe for disaster. This happens that much easier, when one party is a KISA---they tend to have weak boundaries, and need external validation--which the DID (damsel in distress) will shower them with. I find it highly doubtful that her H is truly ok with this new "friendship. If he was fully aware that he was being discussed in his absence, I don't think he would appreciate it. Who would??? Starlight, read as much as you can about EAs--there's tons of articles if you do a google search. Hopefully your H will be receptive as well---it is possible that you caught this early enough. From all of my reading, EAs can be just as damaging to a marital bond as a physical affair--and often times more so. post as much as you need to--there's a lot of us here who've already been through this.
carhill Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 OP, welcome to LS IMO, if your H is a 'KISA' type personality and pursues those dynamics altruistically, there should be no hesitation in his transparency and you should have many similar examples to draw upon in your past life with him. IOW, his behavior should be consistent and known to you. Apparently this is not the case. So my question is why is a married women with children confiding in my husband which she has only known for a short while about her personal/family issues??? Why is she texting him to talk?? Should I call her and confront her about this?? IMO, your focus should be on your M and your H rather than this other person. His behaviors, his words, his actions. Does he normally withhold information from you so as to not upset you? Acts in a way which pacifies you? Is this consistent or is it an anomaly? Do you and he have a circle of mixed-gender friends? IOW, do you have male friends and he female friends? Others covered the EA potentials and aspects well. Clear communication and boundaries can be helpful. I'll offer an example: 'As I felt betrayed by the statements you made about this female client, I would prefer that you have no further business or personal contact with her.' Listen.
ver13 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Don't let him try and get out of this it's all just begaining you need to let him know that you aren't going to allow this to happen on your watch. The MW is way off bsae doing this in the first palce and your H isn't a victim in this either. I would suggest having them out to drinks at sometime just between friends and dropping the TXT bomb just to get things going. I mean since she has told your H so much about her and her family why not share it with her H.
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