rg123 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) To give backstory, I broke up with my girlfriend a month and a half ago. We were together for about 6 months, had an amazing connection, loved each other, but after she got a new dream job she started backing away. I suspect there was another guy, but have no evidence. We had several talks in which she could provide me with no specifics about why her feelings changed. It was the "I'm confused," "please be patient," thing. When I told her that I wasn't interested in being friends and would have to drop contact if we broke up because I saw her as a girlfriend and not a friend, she lost it and told me that it was unfair. (Unfair because she couldn't have her cake and eat it too!) Then she started playing games with me where she would be hot and cold, made me uninvite my mom for Christmas because she didn't want to meet her, made me miss my friends New Years party because she "got sick" even though she was fine an hour later, withheld sex but kept promising it, etc. (Hence, I suspected another guy.) For my part in this, I also fell into the nice guy thing and put her on too high of a pedastal. I have a tendency to do that and have learned from this relationship to not accept less than the best treatment, or to be too available and accomodating. Fast forward to the breakup. I told her that I didn't want her to contact me for at least a month unless she had something she really wanted to tell me (ie a change of heart). In retrospect, the month timeline was a dumb idea - I should have closed the contact door completely. Again, you live, you learn. A month went by and it was Valentines Day. I was proud of not contacting her. Her birthday was a few days later. No contact, I was doing great. And just this week, I have started to feel like I'm finally over it. I realized that she wasn't going to come back, that I've moved on and done so much without her in my life, and was starting not to care. Well. She emailed. Tonight at 10:30, I got this: " Subject: hi. Dear XXX, So, obviously, it’s been way over a month. I thought I would let you be the one to contact me, but I don’t think that’s going to happen, so I thought I would reach out. Making it short, 'cause I don't know if you want to hear from me. If you prefer not to have contact, I get it. Of course, I care very much about you, and am sure you are doing just fine, and don’t need me to complicate anything in your world. I’m so sorry for any pain I’ve caused you. Don’t wanna make anything worse, so let me know what you need. Or don’t, and I’ll leave you alone. Sad not to talk to ya. XXX. " This just made me feel a little crappy, but I guess I asked for it. It's unsatisfying because she's giving off the tone that she wants me in her life, but it's also devoid of any feelings. I never got a good apology or explanation from her of why she treated me the way she did, and this is just saying "I'm so sorry" without owning up to anything. I know you can't make anyone say anything, but it seems very rote and careful. Man. She wanted to "let me" come crawling back into her world... how nice! I guess part of this is just to vent, and partly for advice. I shouldn't email back, right? Don't know why this one threw me for a loop. I guess I really did love her. But there's a better match for me out there who won't be a selfish bitch! Thanks, LS! Edited February 27, 2011 by rg123
wmrjw82 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 she reached out to you. Said she's sad not to have talked to ya. Who knows if the thing w/ the other guy didn't work out or what but the ball is in your court. Would love to get an email like this from my ex and since you say you love her you should respond. If you dont she's clearly telling you goodbye. You did awesome w/ the month of NC and it's clearly affected her. If you love her like you say you do then reach out but do it light hearted. I wouldn't talk about the relationship. Let her bring up everything. Reverse the "bread crumb" effect and you will soon have her feeding out of your hand. Good luck.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) Nope, dont contact her. She misses talking to you, but when she doesnt even hint at the relationship, it means she doesnt want to talk about it. If she was truly affected, she woouldnt have been so ambiguous, because she doesnt have to be. She is ambiguous because she doesnt want to lead you on. If she doesnt want you, theres no point in talking to her. Keep NC, youre doing good. BTW you were right, she WAS seeing or working towards another guy, and you played your cards right, and threw her for a loop. She was gonna break it off with you, but you beat her to it. When a woman breaks it off with you, they dont move backwards, so it was never going to happen. Youre moving on, keep movin, youre doing well. Edited February 27, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
turokturok5 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 good work did you break it off, or did she?
spackle Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I see two options. Continue to ignore. Or, email back something short but not angry about without an explanation for what happened I see no reason for us to talk more. That way you are telling her what you need. If you want to try and resolve things the door is ajar. My only concern is getting the wording to not sound like an ultimatum, that always brings out my huffy side. Ball is back in your court.
Author rg123 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the response so far, guys. I have to say that I am a little more confused this morning, which sucks. If any more of you have thoughts, I'd love to hear. Also, are there any women besides spackle reading this who want to give me their interpretation of what she's doing? That would be really helpful for me too. I guess in a sense now the door is ajar and the power is back in my court, but just how ajar is the door? If I reply, I wonder if this is going to turn into a "be friends" thing, which I don't want. Or if she's just trying to, in some passive way, relieve herself of guilt by hearing from me. I really don't want to even think about having a relationship with her unless she is willing to come clean with whatever changed for her and can make steps toward being a better girlfriend, and she's not indicating that in this email. I know it's all a gamble and wasting time/destroying progress is relative, but I'm not sure if the pros outweigh the cons here. Girls? What do you think? Edited February 27, 2011 by rg123
WTRanger Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 In my opinion, I think you need to respond to it. Your whole goal in this was a month of NC, and you stuck to it. So did she. But that month has passed and she's wondering where you are in all of this. So, you should respond and you should say exactly what you've told us. That you may/are/not willing to work towards a second chance. If not, then you will not be in her life. You won't be friends with her as it would be too hard for the both of you. If this breakup is permanent, then you two need to go your separate ways and heal by yourselves.
Recommended Posts