Stuck

[NutterButter]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post on this forum. I've read a couple threads on here before in the past, but I feel like now is the time that I need to post. I will give quite a detailed summary about my long distance relationship. So I am 18, and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year now. We were seniors in the same high school and we are now separated as freshmen in different colleges (separated by a two hour plane ride, or a 15 hour drive). Now I don't want to sound condemning or feel proud or anything, but I feel like our relationship started out more "mature" and for more "mature" reasons. Rather than simply dating for the experience or simply being sucked into a "puppylove" type of high school relationship, we both entered our relationship with an understanding that it would be genuine and serious. We both desired the same things in life and learned so much through each other. For example, I had believed that I was pretty heartless and somewhat emotionless throughout my life but her openness and lovingness taught me to be more expressive of love. Also, her appreciation for several things in life had opened my eyes to the appreciation for things that I should have been appreciating in the past, but I had not. In her case, I as a Christian have helped bring her back to God, as she had been falling from Him for quite a while. She had gone through quite a difficult few years in high school being involved in an abusive relationship that had kept her feeling restricted and overall just having her feel hopeless in life. But eventually she came out of that relationship, and after about a year and a half, we started dating. I had helped her feel more accepted, and for around seven months spending time with each other, we felt that we were just "meant to be." (I understand that as she is my first girlfriend, I have not experienced the "many fish in the sea," but just how everything connected and how we just love each other to so many degrees, it felt so perfect.) I guess I could also mention that she had said that I am her first "true love," as her first boyfriend was just "puppylove" and her second boyfriend was abusive and just horrible in so many levels. She had wanted to help the second to become a better person, but she got sucked into the abusive relationship and could not get out for over a whole year. This year and a halfish had affected a lot of who she is today, including her sensitivity and defensiveness towards people. So even today, she is struggling to feel acceptance (besides feeling accepted by me) and is starting to feel that she is inadvertently inconsiderate towards others. I guess I had expressed that to her too (which has a lot to do of why I am making this post).

 

Anyways, when we entered into college, we started fighting a lot. I guess it started with me feeling insecure and having made her feel slightly restricted and reminding her of her past restrictive and abusive relationship (for example, my not wanting her to drink or my expressing dislike for her going to parties, even if she would not drink--we have conflicting beliefs about drinking). Another example is my complaining when she sometimes would not answer her phone or text back for several hours (maybe even for like ten hours). To me, I just wanted to be able to talk to her as much as possible and I would text her as often as I could, but it was just that she was not responding as often or as quickly as I had been. I agree that I was stupid and quite immature in dealing with our long distance relationship and I made her feel like I was asking so much from her. Only recently have I noticed that I had done such a bad job as a boyfriend who could be a wall for her and help her with her struggles (including how she struggles to feel accepted by others and finding true friendship), and I feel horrible that I had put her through so much pain with our quarrels for nearly five months. How can I reconcile this disorder when I feel like I've caused permanent damage in our relationship (in which I feel like she has been hurt by me so much more than I have been hurt by her)? How can I grow to be a better wall for her? Through our relationship I have learned that I can be quite sensitive and stubborn, which causes quite some many arguments. She herself is very sensitive and stubborn too (a lot of which is the result of her past relationship) Even with our understanding of our need to figure out how to stop this constant fighting, we are still quarreling about so many different things, and we know that we love each other so much, but I feel like we may be stuck in a quarrelsome relationship. For any Christians out there, I have been praying about our relationship (that our relationship be more God-centered), but we just keep finding ways to fight, and I absolutely hate it.

 

I would appreciate it greatly if y'all could give some advice to this struggling LDR'er Also, please excuse my constant mentioning of Christianity to those whom it is of no concern to. It's just something that I felt like I also had to include in the description of our relationship. Thank you so much in advance! Also, please feel free to ask any additional questions about our relationship.

Edited February 27, 2011 by NutterButter

[LittleTiger]

Hi NutterButter, welcome to LS.

 

My first thought on reading your post is that you have a need to control things in your life and I get the sense that you feel you are somehow 'saving' your girlfriend, though I'm not sure what from - herself perhaps? (I'm not religious by the way).

 

After bringing her 'back to God', you go your separate ways to college and then you try to presumably keep her 'with God' from a distance by attempting to stop her going to parties or drinking - both of which are normal behaviours for an 18 year old college girl. Even if she is your girlfriend you have absolutely no right to tell her what she should or shouldn't be doing with her time.

 

Whether she chooses to stay 'with God' is up to her, not you, and I'm pretty sure that God doesn't really have any objection to people having a good time provided they remain moral and decent human beings. Please forgive me if my limited knowledge of Christianity is way off base.

 

You state that a lot of the reason why you made this post was because you think she is being inconsiderate to others (and you've told her that). Can I ask where she got this idea from? Was it you who put the idea in her head perhaps? Did you say that her behaviour ie not replying to your text etc was inconsiderate? If she was in an abusive relationship before, then her self esteem will be so low that she takes on board what you say and believes what you tell her about herself - and that isn't healthy.

 

If you want my honest opinion I think your girlfriend needs to learn to be single right now. She is only 18 (I'm assuming) and has already had three relationships, one of which was abusive. She needs time to recover and she needs time to find out who she really is. She's in the perfect place to do that and she should be allowed the freedom to make her own discoveries in whatever way she chooses.

 

I know this isn't really what you were hoping to hear but I think you should break it off with your girlfriend and find somebody closer to home who shares your values freely and without you insisting that she does so.

[NutterButter]

Thank you LittleTiger for your input. Firstly, I want to say that I was quite emotional and feeling in an upset daze when I decided to make the thread. Had I slept through the night and woke up as I did now, this thread might not even exist haha.. So a lot of what I had said was quite magnified due to my emotional state.

 

My first thought on reading your post is that you have a need to control things in your life and I get the sense that you feel you are somehow 'saving' your girlfriend, though I'm not sure what from - herself perhaps? (I'm not religious by the way).

 

After bringing her 'back to God', you go your separate ways to college and then you try to presumably keep her 'with God' from a distance by attempting to stop her going to parties or drinking - both of which are normal behaviours for an 18 year old college girl. Even if she is your girlfriend you have absolutely no right to tell her what she should or shouldn't be doing with her time.

 

Whether she chooses to stay 'with God' is up to her, not you, and I'm pretty sure that God doesn't really have any objection to people having a good time provided they remain moral and decent human beings. Please forgive me if my limited knowledge of Christianity is way off base.

 

I guess I didn't really want it to sound like that, but I don't think it is necessarily true that I had been or I am trying to "save" my girlfriend. What I was trying to convey was that we have both brought and helped each other to and with different things. I had not started this relationship for the mere purpose of "saving" her, but to get to know her. Immediately I realized she was just awesome to me in so many different ways, whether she refused Christianity or not. In any case, she soon approached the topic of Christianity to me and sought answers, which I could not fully answer, but I had directed her in some path, encouraging her and whatnot. Basically, in no way did I force my beliefs and ideals to her; our relationship was fully supportive of each other and we did not bring each other down in any way...

 

Until college that is (the topic of drinking). So I had complained about partying and drinking in quite an immature way when college had just started, and I understand that what I did was wrong and I now seek reconciliation for my mistake. I let her be and don't disapprove of her going to parties. But what I struggle with is whether I had caused permanent damage in her heart by my initial complaining about drinking, not texting back, etc.

 

I guess I could be more explicit with the whole thing about inconsiderateness. My girlfriend had gone through an abusive relationship but found comfort soon after by hanging out with the "wrong" group of friends, who had been involved with drugs, alcohol, etc. But after starting a relationship with me, she had decided to give that all up on her own, without my complaining or forceful attitude. We both redefined values of life and such through each other, and had mutual thoughts about pretty much everything..we fit very well, and our friends who were couples had stated that they were "jealous" of how well we connected. But this turnover in her attitude, her values, etc. seemed to have been quite sudden to others. The group of friends that we had during senior year consisted of very laid back guys but quite a few girls who were really critical, argumentative, etc. So yadeeyadeeya happened and the girls expressed their criticism of my girlfriend for quite some time, and she was quite upset (as she had been very sensitive). She then felt very insecure in that she felt that she did not have any close girl friends..in the past, she had been close with several girl friends, but they sorta "suddenly stopped being friends." And with the whole abusive relationship, turning to the wrong group of friends, and then a turnover from all that to me, she had not been able to have girl friends who were consistently close to her. All of these things had her slightly believe that she is not a good friend and that though she tries to be nice and friendly with everyone (which is true), many people had felt differently about her, possibly due to misconceptions about who she is (due to the abrupt turnovers). In any case, she herself believes that the abusive relationship had caused her to be awkward around others, very sensitive, defensive, etc. However, she believes that day by day this is changing and she has gotten significantly better since getting out of the relationship. And now that she is in college, she really enjoys it, and she has gotten close to her roommate and found many friends who were not judgmental of her.

 

Now all of this about her high school life seems very dramatic, which it slightly is, but the "honeymoon" period of our relationship was very happy; though there were instances of girls criticizing her and talking behind her back, they had stopped being so critical and were accepting eventually. Throughout these 7 months before college, I tried to support her with the struggles described above, and we were just simply happy, hopeful, beautiful.

 

Then we started fighting a lot about a bunch of stupid stuff in college, and just a couple weeks ago, she had fought with her roommate (whom she had grown close to and felt very comfortable around). Her roommate had said that yadeeyadeeya was a bit inconsiderate. Then my girlfriend was upset and felt, once again, that she is inconsiderate and whatnot. I tried to support her, but I failed, and in all of the arguments and quarrels we had, she felt that I was on her roommate's side and that I was "teaming up" against her. Eventually I cleared things up and said that I am in no way not on her side, and that her roommate did not mean to cause that much harm mentioning inconsiderateness. Anyhow, what I am concerned with most is how we happen to find ourselves fighting so often. It is of my religious belief that our relationship could be better grounded if it was more God-centered, but we struggle to make it so, due to all of our fights here and there. Again, it is not my intention to force religion on her, and she indeed is a Christian as I am. We just have trouble putting Christianity at the foundation of our relationship.