He was "The One", then *poof* gone

[trusanctum]

SO here we are, after 12 years when he left me for an old girlfriend of his. I mean she literally popped in out of nowhere (after their breakup she left the state and cut off all contact with him) . What did she have that I didn't? His child.

 

Maybe I did what anyone who truly loves someone would do, I told him I knew what the child meant to him and if going back made him happy, I wanted him to. I meant that. All good, right?

 

But all this within a week's time, she called him constantly, sent letters wanting him to move out of state to be with her and using manipulation, he was gone before I could even catch my breath. It was so fast, so confusing that the **** left me seriously damaged. I still can't open to anyone new.

 

And I've resented her, especially when I hear news from friends about him asking about me, even more when I hear how she controls him. He deserved better, he dove right into what she is. They got married, they had another kid.

 

THen there is now. He's calling me. He hates her and at the same time seems absolutely obsessed. He wants to have a separation and drive to my state to see me. It's almost an affair with us, the only thing missing now is the act itself. He's comparing me to her and we ARE as opposite as I knew we are.

 

Part of me wants to do it. Give his wife a sample of the pain and the insensitive (humiliating) way I was treated, I won't even get into all of that. Their marriage is already a huge messy garbage heap of power-control issues so I can't be blamed for breaking up the marriage, right?

 

Maybe actually doing this will help me FINALLY let it go for good? Plus a cleansing dose of payback will be REALLY nice.

 

I don't want him back, not even close. I just want my heart back. At the same time, I really do still miss my best friend.

 

But how can I be his friend and want to hurt someone he really does love, even if I don't get it why, even when I truly DO know how bad she has been for him.

[Spices]

Stay sweet. Don't do on to others as you would not want done onto you. It's tempting, but I wouldn't stoop to her level. It's obvious that both of them are miserable enough as it is. They've created their own hell & they deserve what they've made.

[whichwayisup]

Stay sweet. Don't do on to others as you would not want done onto you. It's tempting, but I wouldn't stoop to her level. It's obvious that both of them are miserable enough as it is. They've created their own hell & they deserve what they've made.

 

I completely agree.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right and I think if you did do it, you'd regret it immediately afterwards.

 

Also, how do you know he's 'safe' as in STD wise. Last thing you want is to catch something from him!

[betterdeal]

Your ex has chosen to be with her and not with you. Now that times are hard for him, he's turning to you. You have to think of what is best for you, and going back to a relationship with someone who dumped you is not in your interest. Let me make this clear: a relationship includes (a) talking (b) seeing © having sex with, and can be any or all of these.

 

He has children, which makes it much more complicated that just a man bouncing back to his favourite (her) and using you as a fall-back when it turns out his relationship with her is hard work.

 

Ask yourself, will you really be any happier if you continue to have a connection with this man? Will he be any different? Will you not have a problem trusting him ever again? I'm sure you can be platonic friends with men, but with this man, is even that possible? Listen to what your feelings, your gut instincts, your heart say about these matters and then work to honour those feelings.

 

You have problems trusting people because of how your relationship with him went: dealing with that is far more important than getting revenge or getting back with him. Take this opportunity in your life to read up on assertiveness training, and emotionally abusive relationships, and to have some simple fun as an individual. Find things that make you happy and do them - and invariably you'll meet other people who do them and be able to make new connections to new people, and maybe from that, you'll meet someone who is ready to be with you for the duration. And even if you don't meet that someone, you'll be doing things that make you happy.

 

Be honest with yourself and honour your feelings.

[trusanctum]

Betterdeal, maybe talking to him has not made me feel happy per say, but it has helped me confront some issues and given me clarity 12 years later. Something I feel like I haven't had. I NEEDED this.

 

They have been at war with each other for years, almost from the start... eh, that's not my problem. But sad hearing how they argue right in front of a 9 yo child. Makes me cringe.

 

I do appreciate and respect what you posted, but assertiveness is not an issue with me, I just use it with respect. People KNOW where I stand tho. I am also a SERIOUS people-person so meeting new people.. Not a problem. Intimacy IS a problem and I can't put all the blame on him, this thing just reinforced that because together we broke through many a trust issue. He trusted me enough to share when she came back, right? And to ask my opinion. So really I miss THAT more than I miss HIM (now).

 

But you are all right, I don't need to pay back. It's just sometimes the high road sucks too. It's a struggle, dam mit! lol Even nice people have dark and selfish thoughts.

 

Can't I be mean this ONCE? But an STD? Ewwwww, no thanks and noted.

 

Actually I would be just as happy if I had a chance to tell her how I felt, I did once, single parent to single parent. Then she resorted to passive-aggressive tactics to get me completely out of the picture as fast as she could. That's when I decided "I'm sending him to THAT?" This is and was someone 10 years older than me. Not cool.

 

That makes me think. My OP IS passive-aggressive, isn't it? Don't mind me.. rambling helps me process.

Edited February 27, 2011 by trusanctum

[tami-chan]

Look at it this way, if there was no legally binding agreement between them (among other things-kids, finances, properties, etc.etc) he would probably also leave her- QUICK...and go back to you, but would you want a man like that?

 

I don't advocate throwing anybody under the bus...BUT...this might be an exception...let the wife know what her husband's been up to .... then walk away....move on...can you do that?

[findingnemo]

SO here we are, after 12 years when he left me for an old girlfriend of his. I mean she literally popped in out of nowhere (after their breakup she left the state and cut off all contact with him) . What did she have that I didn't? His child.

 

Maybe I did what anyone who truly loves someone would do, I told him I knew what the child meant to him and if going back made him happy, I wanted him to. I meant that. All good, right?

 

But all this within a week's time, she called him constantly, sent letters wanting him to move out of state to be with her and using manipulation, he was gone before I could even catch my breath. It was so fast, so confusing that the **** left me seriously damaged. I still can't open to anyone new.

 

And I've resented her, especially when I hear news from friends about him asking about me, even more when I hear how she controls him. He deserved better, he dove right into what she is. They got married, they had another kid.

 

THen there is now. He's calling me. He hates her and at the same time seems absolutely obsessed. He wants to have a separation and drive to my state to see me. It's almost an affair with us, the only thing missing now is the act itself. He's comparing me to her and we ARE as opposite as I knew we are.

 

Part of me wants to do it. Give his wife a sample of the pain and the insensitive (humiliating) way I was treated, I won't even get into all of that. Their marriage is already a huge messy garbage heap of power-control issues so I can't be blamed for breaking up the marriage, right?

 

Maybe actually doing this will help me FINALLY let it go for good? Plus a cleansing dose of payback will be REALLY nice.

 

I don't want him back, not even close. I just want my heart back. At the same time, I really do still miss my best friend.

 

But how can I be his friend and want to hurt someone he really does love, even if I don't get it why, even when I truly DO know how bad she has been for him.

 

trusanctum,

 

Why do you focus on the W so much? Your MM consciously chose to marry her. You say you also thought that the child was important enough for him to go be with her. If you meant that, why are you so angry at her?? To me you should take some responsibility for MM marrying her since you did not fight to keep him. If you take some responsibility, then you have to admit that you made a mistake. Well...maybe he did too. If both of you made a mistake, then admit it. The W has her own problems - you can be sure she is not very happy in her M. That's enough punishment.

 

Regarding his M, stay totally out of that one. Do not become his adviser or emotional crutch. He needs to make his own decisions as it is his life that is supposedly miserable. Let him sort it out.

 

"I don't want him back, not even close. I just want my heart back. At the same time, I really do still miss my best friend.

 

Who exactly took your heart? Him or her? I think it was him and that you are mad at him but couldn't admit that to yourself. 12 years is a long time to be angry at someone you don't love. Are you sure you don't want him back?

[spice4life]

SO here we are, after 12 years when he left me for an old girlfriend of his. I mean she literally popped in out of nowhere (after their breakup she left the state and cut off all contact with him) . What did she have that I didn't? His child.

 

Maybe I did what anyone who truly loves someone would do, I told him I knew what the child meant to him and if going back made him happy, I wanted him to. I meant that. All good, right?

 

But all this within a week's time, she called him constantly, sent letters wanting him to move out of state to be with her and using manipulation, he was gone before I could even catch my breath. It was so fast, so confusing that the **** left me seriously damaged. I still can't open to anyone new.

 

And I've resented her, especially when I hear news from friends about him asking about me, even more when I hear how she controls him. He deserved better, he dove right into what she is. They got married, they had another kid.

 

THen there is now. He's calling me. He hates her and at the same time seems absolutely obsessed. He wants to have a separation and drive to my state to see me. It's almost an affair with us, the only thing missing now is the act itself. He's comparing me to her and we ARE as opposite as I knew we are.

 

Part of me wants to do it. Give his wife a sample of the pain and the insensitive (humiliating) way I was treated, I won't even get into all of that. Their marriage is already a huge messy garbage heap of power-control issues so I can't be blamed for breaking up the marriage, right?

 

Maybe actually doing this will help me FINALLY let it go for good? Plus a cleansing dose of payback will be REALLY nice.

 

I don't want him back, not even close. I just want my heart back. At the same time, I really do still miss my best friend.

 

But how can I be his friend and want to hurt someone he really does love, even if I don't get it why, even when I truly DO know how bad she has been for him.

 

You have received some excellent advice especially in findingnemo's post. Honestly, you have a grand opportunity to let this go once and for all right now. Him getting in contact with you has brought up all of the old hurts from the past and the best time to deal with them is when they are on the surface...like they are right now. Be honest with him and take ownership for not being truthful with him about how you really felt back then and ask him to take ownership of the choices he made for himself. They had nothing to do with you and he made those choices all on his own. You also need to be truthful with him about how you feel now. Let him know how disappointing it is (and was) that he is trying to pull you into his drama once again. These are his issues to resolve and they have nothing at all to do with you. Tell him he needs to be a man and take ownership of his own choices and deal with them without pulling you into the mix.

 

If you allow him to pull you in then you will only get embroiled into the passive aggressive drama that exists between them. You will then become a victim of his projections because he is not dealing with the situation with integrity and in an honest way. He needs to resolve his s**t first, put it to rest before involving you. If he doesn't then he will only project his anger and frustration about her onto you. Who needs that right?

 

Be honest, take ownership of your feelings, tell him to take ownership of his own stuff and then close the door. You can always revisit it later AFTER he puts closure on his relationship with her and has "emotionally divorced" himself from her. Then and only then will there be even a smidgen of a chance to explore a relationship with him. It will be a clean slate and you can actually see "for real" if he is someone you want to be with in a relationship. If he is still intertwined emotionally with her then you won't see the "real" him - you will only see a man who is carrying an excessive amount of baggage. His baggage will be the guiding force behind his actions.

 

Ask yourself - is that what you want? Or would you rather nip this in the bud, close the door and tell him not to contact you until he is "free and clear" and "emotionally divorced" from her? You don't have to settle for any less and don't let your own unresolved issues about him be your guiding force behind your actions.

 

Best wishes. I hope you figure this all out and come to peace with yourself very soon.

[Woman In Blue]

But how can I be his friend and want to hurt someone he really does love, even if I don't get it why, even when I truly DO know how bad she has been for him.

What I truly don't get is why you're even giving this creep the time of DAY after the horrific and disrespectful way he treated you?

[fooled once]

SO here we are, after 12 years when he left me for an old girlfriend of his. I mean she literally popped in out of nowhere (after their breakup she left the state and cut off all contact with him) . What did she have that I didn't? His child.

 

Maybe I did what anyone who truly loves someone would do, I told him I knew what the child meant to him and if going back made him happy, I wanted him to. I meant that. All good, right?

 

But all this within a week's time, she called him constantly, sent letters wanting him to move out of state to be with her and using manipulation, he was gone before I could even catch my breath. It was so fast, so confusing that the **** left me seriously damaged. I still can't open to anyone new.

 

And I've resented her, especially when I hear news from friends about him asking about me, even more when I hear how she controls him. He deserved better, he dove right into what she is. They got married, they had another kid.

 

THen there is now. He's calling me. He hates her and at the same time seems absolutely obsessed. He wants to have a separation and drive to my state to see me. It's almost an affair with us, the only thing missing now is the act itself. He's comparing me to her and we ARE as opposite as I knew we are.

 

Part of me wants to do it. Give his wife a sample of the pain and the insensitive (humiliating) way I was treated, I won't even get into all of that. Their marriage is already a huge messy garbage heap of power-control issues so I can't be blamed for breaking up the marriage, right?

 

Maybe actually doing this will help me FINALLY let it go for good? Plus a cleansing dose of payback will be REALLY nice.

 

I don't want him back, not even close. I just want my heart back. At the same time, I really do still miss my best friend.

 

But how can I be his friend and want to hurt someone he really does love, even if I don't get it why, even when I truly DO know how bad she has been for him.

 

I am struggling to understand why you are mad at his wife? Why? Because she got pregnant? Isn't he partly responsible for that? He chose to be with her and get married and have another child. Why so much venom for her? Isn't it HIM you should be angry at since he CHOOSE to end the relationship with you?

 

And after 12 years, you still hold to much anger towards him/her.

 

You have no idea what their marriage is like - you are hearing his whine and complain...because that is his way to get you in bed. If he told you he loved her dearly, they had a great marriage and life was bliss, then he wouldn't get your sympathy and you feeling sorry for him for being with that "horrible" woman.

 

 

This guy knows how to work it so you are feeling sorry for him!

 

He made this bed. Its his marriage.

 

Don't allow him to continue to hold your life hostage.

[NoIDidn't]

But you are all right, I don't need to pay back. It's just sometimes the high road sucks too. It's a struggle, dam mit! lol Even nice people have dark and selfish thoughts.

 

I completely agree with this. I feel the same way. Sometimes I don't want to take the high road, but I don't deal well with the consequences of taking the low one.

That makes me think. My OP IS passive-aggressive, isn't it? Don't mind me.. rambling helps me process.

 

Rambling helps me too. It helps better, though, when people don't respond to everything that I ramble on about.

 

LOL

 

Good luck and good vent. I understand. I did this once (sent the ex off to be with the woman they later married because of a child - but this child was no longer living - guilt trips), so I understand where you are coming from. But you'll likely find that he is no prize if he could up and leave and then start calling you behind her back. I'd take the 12 years coming closure, and not take the man attached to it.