bl22 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 And to be honest, I feel I'm doing a good job of it. Problem is, it scares me. I've never really had depression symptoms before, but every now and again, I feel them coming...and I feel like I have to physically fight against it and I don't know how long I can keep doing this succesfully and its beginning to scare me. My ex let me down big time, I'm left with a massive space in my life which she filled. I'm not ready to trust anyone again or begin dating, so that space is just kind of there and I can't do anything about it. The only thing keeping me going right now is the gym, improving myself and thinking of a future where I am happy and not paranoid of being let down anymore. The gym gives me great confidence, without it I'd be a mess. I feel in time I may be ready to date again but the thought of starting again scares me also....going through them first initial stages, does she like me? do i even like her? meeting her parents...etc etc the thought right now is the last thing i want to do. I know I'm extremely picky and would probably end up leading someone on which I don't want to do. Ive realised also, not only did I lose my girlfriend when she left me for someone else...I lost my best friend...i really did. I have other friends and have made some amazing new friends due to the breakup which im thankful for but I find it hard to find someone to do regualr things with except my family and I'm begining to feel like a loner for the first time. For example, this week I found out a band I really like are touring next month, and would have taken her, she would have loved it, but Im struggling to even find someone I'd want to go with...I even considered going by myself at 1 point...but do I really want to be THAT person?? Someone who goes to events by themselves because the person they shared everything with has dumped them? Thres been plenty of new films come out which we would have been to see together, now its me watching them on my own, making comparisons to the love we shared which I cant help. Its sad. I've never been a loner before but I'm finding myself doing more things by myself since she gone. Even going to bed without her there is stil hard sometimes. I wouldnt even take her back if she came back, even though I miss her more than anything. Stil doenst feel real, just over 4 months later. I've lost trust in people at the moment and I'm finding it hard to get back out there =/ Feel free to add in your own thoughts and comments, thank you
D78 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 It's great that you have the ability to recognize the fact that you're feeling depressed and fight it off. I bet you can continue, as long as you keep the future in mind. It sounds like you're on a great path. As far as going places alone... it made me think of this Olin Miller quote "We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do." I've gone alone to see a couple of bands play. I was proud of myself for getting out there and having fun again. I noticed many other people alone, and noticed that most people don't notice other people. There are meetup.com groups in my area for watching movies and for checking out the local music scene. Maybe you could go with one of those groups. Good luck
Graceful Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 And to be honest, I feel I'm doing a good job of it. Problem is, it scares me. I've never really had depression symptoms before, but every now and again, I feel them coming...and I feel like I have to physically fight against it and I don't know how long I can keep doing this succesfully and its beginning to scare me. My ex let me down big time, I'm left with a massive space in my life which she filled. I'm not ready to trust anyone again or begin dating, so that space is just kind of there and I can't do anything about it. The only thing keeping me going right now is the gym, improving myself and thinking of a future where I am happy and not paranoid of being let down anymore. One of the most common behaviors after a breakup is to isolate. That's right. It is a common reaction because most people feel so bad all they want to do is be alone, have the ability to cry alone , and not let everyone know how bad they feel, at least not after a while. Most of us don't want people telling us to "move on" and to try to get us out of the funk, either. We want to wallow for a while, some more than others. But honestly, I think you're headed in the right direction, because you can see what you need to do, and you're taking steps to try to do it, and that means you're trying not to isolate yourself. I was always a gym rat during my relationship, so going to the gym was nothing new for me, but it's such a comfort to be around people, even if you're working out alone. And you might begin to see familiar faces (if you haven't already), and it's nice to be able to say hello and smile at people who at least recognize you as being a "regular" around the gym. It's a great feeling. So, you're not ready to date? SO what? Don't date. Don't let anyone pressure you into the idea you should be dating, either. You'll either know when you're ready at some point, or you'll at least be ready to push yourself. The rest is like riding a bike. You'll get right on and you'll be riding in no time. Dating is just getting out and meeting people. It's not like you have to propose marriage or anything!! But wait until it feels right to you. Ive realised also, not only did I lose my girlfriend when she left me for someone else...I lost my best friend...i really did. My guy lined someone up, too. So I know how that feels. It sux. But you know something? "Best friends" don't ditch you. They don't line people up to take your place. So I would like to suggest that you stop thinking of your ex as your best friend. Done and done. For example, this week I found out a band I really like are touring next month, and would have taken her, she would have loved it, but Im struggling to even find someone I'd want to go with...I even considered going by myself at 1 point...but do I really want to be THAT person?? Seriously? What do you mean by "that" person? I think it's the coolest thing in the world to be able to go see a band alone. You're there for the music, right? So just go, buy yourself a beer and enjoy yourself. That's what us music lovers do. We don't care if we're alone or not!! And going to the movies is the same thing. I can identify with the idea of going to a movie alone and feeling funny at first. But really? You sit there, no one talks during the movie, then you leave. So who cares if you're alone? Don't short change yourself from seeing a movie if you want to see it and find you are going alone. You can go to any show you want, early, late or a matinee. You get to call the shots. You don't have to comb your hair or anything either! Just go. Your ex does not own the clubs. She does not own the movie theatres. She is not the one that makes it possible for you to enjoy music. You do. The more you prove to yourself that you can enjoy the same activities and just do them, the more confident you will feel. And then you will be ready to share yourself with someone new later on. It all comes together. I wouldnt even take her back if she came back, even though I miss her more than anything. Stil doenst feel real, just over 4 months later. I've lost trust in people at the moment and I'm finding it hard to get back out there =/ Gosh, you sound nice. Four months is not a long period of time, even if it feels like an eternity since the breakup. Frankly, I think you're headed in the right direction. Take back your interests and engage yourself in them, even if you have to go alone. If you are out and about, you're not isolating, and you will show yourself that you are still engaged with some of your favorite things to do, you don't need your ex (or anyone else) to do that. It is possible to maybe make a "movie buddy" at some point, someone you know who you can get together with for movies. I really think you have the right attitude, if you can push yourself a little bit more. I have faith in you, and hope you continue to focus on what you need to do to push through this tough period in your breakup. Take care.
screwball Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Seriously? What do you mean by "that" person? I think it's the coolest thing in the world to be able to go see a band alone. You're there for the music, right? So just go, buy yourself a beer and enjoy yourself. That's what us music lovers do. We don't care if we're alone or not!! And going to the movies is the same thing. I can identify with the idea of going to a movie alone and feeling funny at first. But really? You sit there, no one talks during the movie, then you leave. So who cares if you're alone? Don't short change yourself from seeing a movie if you want to see it and find you are going alone. You can go to any show you want, early, late or a matinee. You get to call the shots. You don't have to comb your hair or anything either! Just go. Your ex does not own the clubs. She does not own the movie theatres. She is not the one that makes it possible for you to enjoy music. You do. The more you prove to yourself that you can enjoy the same activities and just do them, the more confident you will feel. And then you will be ready to share yourself with someone new later on. It all comes together. Good advice! I think that's the stage where you really get comfortable and love being single instead of simply trying to fill the void that the ex left. When you can go on trips or to restaurants and bars by yourself without feeling uncomfortable or needing the companionship of family and friends - that's when you're truly confident and comfortable being yourself and are telling the world "I am here and this is my space".
Author bl22 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 One of the most common behaviors after a breakup is to isolate. That's right. It is a common reaction because most people feel so bad all they want to do is be alone, have the ability to cry alone , and not let everyone know how bad they feel, at least not after a while. Most of us don't want people telling us to "move on" and to try to get us out of the funk, either. We want to wallow for a while, some more than others. Yeah you're right, i do feel very isolated at times. Alot of people keep pestering me to come out with them but I havent got the motivation to do so right now. But honestly, I think you're headed in the right direction, because you can see what you need to do, and you're taking steps to try to do it, and that means you're trying not to isolate yourself. I was always a gym rat during my relationship, so going to the gym was nothing new for me, but it's such a comfort to be around people, even if you're working out alone. And you might begin to see familiar faces (if you haven't already), and it's nice to be able to say hello and smile at people who at least recognize you as being a "regular" around the gym. It's a great feeling. Yeah i was WELL into the gym during the relationship, very dedicated and disciplined but towarsd the end of the relastionship i lost interest as I felt I had no one to impress anymore because I had her and wanted to spend more time with her (made her come gym few times but she was never into it) I've definately regained that dedication and discipline, I go 5 x a week and eat very well. I'm deffo back in shape though which is great for my confidence and im very inspired to achieving new goals in and out of the gym. I feel like Im going upwards whilst she will end up going downwards sometime soon when the honeymoon period ends with that new guy. So, you're not ready to date? SO what? Don't date. Don't let anyone pressure you into the idea you should be dating, either. You'll either know when you're ready at some point, or you'll at least be ready to push yourself. The rest is like riding a bike. You'll get right on and you'll be riding in no time. Dating is just getting out and meeting people. It's not like you have to propose marriage or anything!! But wait until it feels right to you. Yeah ive had a few chances to go out with new people but....its just not there, you know. That connection isnt there, its forced. With my ex with clicked instantly, more so than any other. I've never been able to make someone laugh as much as I did her. Thats another thing I miss, im a very fun and joeky person naturally but only the close people to me get to see that side, and she did more than anyone. It was pretty much the first time i could totally be myself around someone and totally be at ease. It was a perfect mix of intamacy/passion but also playfulness/fun as well as being there for each other. Hard to take... My guy lined someone up, too. So I know how that feels. It sux. But you know something? "Best friends" don't ditch you. They don't line people up to take your place. So I would like to suggest that you stop thinking of your ex as your best friend. Done and done. Never thought of it like this before...you're so right. Best friends dont ditch you. Seriously? What do you mean by "that" person? I think it's the coolest thing in the world to be able to go see a band alone. You're there for the music, right? So just go, buy yourself a beer and enjoy yourself. That's what us music lovers do. We don't care if we're alone or not!! Haha, I'm sorry...i dont mean to cause offense by saying 'that' person. I happen to work in a theatre part time so I often see people coming in by themselves and you know what, they are blissfully happy. But they look like theyve never had a date in their life. Thats what I meant by that person. But the thought of going somewhere alone to me is a little scary. Almost like if I didnt enjoy it, It'd be doubley worse because I'm by myself. Never been like that before. Having said that though, I've made a great friend through this site 'SimonSerenade' turns out he lives about 15 minutes away from me and is a really good guy, we have mutual friends already which is so weird. We used to hang out at the same places few years back so we know pretty much the same people. We've been helping each other through this hard time and ive invited him to that gig coming up. Who knows? Maybe we'll meet some nice new women there? And going to the movies is the same thing. I can identify with the idea of going to a movie alone and feeling funny at first. But really? You sit there, no one talks during the movie, then you leave. So who cares if you're alone? Don't short change yourself from seeing a movie if you want to see it and find you are going alone. You can go to any show you want, early, late or a matinee. You get to call the shots. You don't have to comb your hair or anything either! Just go. Yeah, I've watched a few films alone. It is very nice, but I miss having her there to laugh along with. I miss being able to turn to her when someone says something on screen that relates to us, and her give me that look that she knows exactly what I'm thinking. I miss making her jump through scary films and her digging me for it. I miss giving her giving me a kiss when the couple on screen are being 'lovey dovey' I could go on here but i wont....ill just say it hurts more than anything to know she's now doing that with someone else. Your ex does not own the clubs. She does not own the movie theatres. She is not the one that makes it possible for you to enjoy music. You do. The more you prove to yourself that you can enjoy the same activities and just do them, the more confident you will feel. And then you will be ready to share yourself with someone new later on. It all comes together. Yeah you're right. I'm a musician and song writer, always been a music lover. Got her into ALOT of music so there must be so many reminders for her when it comes to that thing. Thank you for this advice, I havent been holding back on watching and listening to music even though it reminds me of her. I feel the more I do so, the less it will hurt in the future. I find avoiding it only makes the pain longer. Gosh, you sound nice. Four months is not a long period of time, even if it feels like an eternity since the breakup. Frankly, I think you're headed in the right direction. Take back your interests and engage yourself in them, even if you have to go alone. If you are out and about, you're not isolating, and you will show yourself that you are still engaged with some of your favorite things to do, you don't need your ex (or anyone else) to do that. It is possible to maybe make a "movie buddy" at some point, someone you know who you can get together with for movies. I really think you have the right attitude, if you can push yourself a little bit more. I have faith in you, and hope you continue to focus on what you need to do to push through this tough period in your breakup. Take care. Thank you Yeah 4 months is nothing. I found out she had put up a picture of her and the new guy after around 2 months of breaking up with me. This was a picture of them 2 up close basically kissing, her looking into his eyes doin the face i used to see, the face which I thought I only got. My heart sank into a million pieces and a spent all christmas holidays in bed not being able to do anything, whenevr I fell asleep Id just dream about them 2, worst time of my life. Thankfully I feel so much stronger and more optimistic but left with a very, very sour taste in my mouth. Thank you for replying
Author bl22 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 It's great that you have the ability to recognize the fact that you're feeling depressed and fight it off. I bet you can continue, as long as you keep the future in mind. It sounds like you're on a great path. As far as going places alone... it made me think of this Olin Miller quote "We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do." I've gone alone to see a couple of bands play. I was proud of myself for getting out there and having fun again. I noticed many other people alone, and noticed that most people don't notice other people. There are meetup.com groups in my area for watching movies and for checking out the local music scene. Maybe you could go with one of those groups. Good luck Thanks for replying, Ive thoutht about internet dating, but again im just not ready for it. seems like too much hassle. Ive not heard of these meetup.com groups before? Sounds interesting, what are they?
D78 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 www.meetup.com It's not internet dating. It's just a website to meet people doing things you like. I joined the photography group, a group of singles, a vegetarian group, a group for weird people, a group that makes sandwiches for homeless people each weekend, and a group that meets at the art museum each Friday night. So the groups post events on their pages, and you RSVP to them. You can back out if you decide not to go. The events are usually free, and there's generally no charge to join a certain group. Meetups are basically the only thing keeping me from total isolation right now The people are usually very friendly and welcoming. It is useful also for business connections (but I would avoid many of the referral groups). I used Simon's location as a reference, and here's some of the groups in your area: - Film Fans Meet Up Group (as a former theatre employee, I'm also weird about watching movies alone); - I Like Good Music But My Friends Don't Group, Heavy Metal & Rock Group, RnB & Hip Hop Group, and West African Drum Circle Group; - Hiking & Outdoor Adventure Group, Hiking & Cycling Club, and Sports & Adventure Club; - Book Club @ the Lass O'Gowrie; - a group for almost every language; and - Singles Meetup Group and Social Friends Meetup Group.
Sugarkane Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Hey I totally get how you feel. My ex was also my best friend aswell and he betrayed me. Too make it worse I became good friends with his friends aswell. So I got dumped by a whole group of people! Not easy! I isolated myself after the breakup, which just made things even worse. Its 100% easier on my ex because he was the dumper and he didn't have to make new friends after. I became very depressed. So please don't do this! Meetup is great and I wish I had heard about it years ago. Keep moving on no matter what!
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