eerie_reverie Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I've been half-heartedly dating someone since the start of the year. Becuase of how lukewarm I feel about his potential, I know we're going to break up, but I'm wondering if y'all think I'm shallow for having let these things bother me: 1. He is financially less responsible than I am For example, he quit the job he has now 2 years ago becuase he "couldn't take it anymore", cashed in on his 401K, went back to grad school for a teaching degree (incurring more than 50K in debt in the process) only to decide he didn't want to do that either. So now he's back doing the same thing as before, but says he'd quit again if he didn't have so much debt. 2. He smokes 3. He doesn't work out 4. He has no passions or ambitions. He doesn't aspire to much in his career, have any serious interests, didn't even want kids until he met me because they sounded like they were too much responsibility. 5. He's disturbingly eager to please. Example: he's made out with a couple of guys in the past to be "agreeable". 6. He is content with being unhappy This kind of ties in with all of the above and is probably the biggest difference between us. I am by no means perfect, but my life has been improving steadily since a couple of years ago. I know what I want, and I've been working really hard to get there. On the other hand, he seems ok with having a 9-5 he doesn't care that much about, and blowing all his money on going out to drink too much with his friends. On the plus side, he's loyal, emotionally available, smitten with me, smart, and a good conversationalist. I trust him. He's a good boyfriend... by far the best I've ever had. And he's been twisting himself into a pretzel just to please me. I think I could mold him to be whoever I want... which is tempting, if it weren't such a turn-off. Am I wrong for dumping him for the above? FYI, I'm mid-twenties, he's almost 30.
zengirl Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 #1 bothers me, but I get the feeling. Cashing it out to do something he loved would be one thing, but his indecision is a big issue. #2 seems petty to me, but many people list it as a dealbreaker. I hate smoking, but I've seriously dated smokers before. #3 seems shallow to me. By itself. #4 is a good dealbreaker. People need passions. Goes to #1 and #6. #5 isn't bothersome until the example. Okay, I get "disturbingly" now. Yes, that's odd. #6 is the worst one to me, and that'd be an automatic dealbreaker for me. How do you have a good time with someone who's unhappy? How can they be emotionally available? If he has no passions, he's not even emotionally available to himself; it's merely codependence he's showing off.
J200 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 No one can answer that for you; it depends on YOU. if YOU don't feel comfortable with it then he's not for you. Personally I have dated a man who was 26-27 making $8 an hour while I was making over six figures at the time. Not only did he make $8 but he also stole from me and abused me, and at the time I was ok with it but that was ME. Everyone has to make the decision for themselves what they want out of life. Personally I would would have no prob dating a guy who was 30 and made $30k because I make my own money and don't like successful men. I can provide for myself and don't mind helping out the guy a bit if I have too (not to the extent of my ex obviously).
Knittress Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) Hm. I suppose if you look hard enough you can always find a reason NOT to be into someone. Once you get to know them, all people are aggravating and full of turn-offs. Some of that stuff would even bother me as well. But I suppose it comes down to figuring out whether this stuff is important over the long haul or if you're just looking for excuses to cut and run. (PS - Made out with guys 'just to be agreeable'? Come ON! Wimp!! Doesn't have the balls to say, "Hey I was drunk and curious..." Issues! ::shakes head:: ) Edited February 27, 2011 by Knittress
Eddie Edirol Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Youre shallow because of number 3, but he is a wimp. If youre gonna be shallow, just own it and it wont be such a surprise that certain things are a turnoff. At least you listed what you like about him and how well he treats you. You know whats important to you, and too many things about him turn you off. At least do him a favor and start threatening to break it off with him about these things for like a month so he sees it coming and isnt blindsided. let him try to improve if he thinks he will lose you.
Author eerie_reverie Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Just curious, but why is #3 shallow? I view it akin to #2 - it shows he doesn't care about his health. Note that I didn't say anything about his appearance.
zengirl Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Just curious, but why is #3 shallow? I view it akin to #2 - it shows he doesn't care about his health. Note that I didn't say anything about his appearance. Because it's not a real criticism of the person. I don't assume that just because someone doesn't work out they are completely unhealthy. Alone, it would be a shallow (lacking in depth) reason to break up with someone because it doesn't say anything meaningful about their character; just a basic habit. It's like breaking up with someone because they play video games too long or speed on the highway or wear brown shoes with black slacks; it just seems petty, and there's probably a deeper reason. But that's just my view of it. And in this case, you have deeper reasons.
P&R Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Just curious, but why is #3 shallow? I view it akin to #2 - it shows he doesn't care about his health. Note that I didn't say anything about his appearance. Do you have anybody other guy that you like?
westrock Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 1. He is financially less responsible than I am For example, he quit the job he has now 2 years ago becuase he "couldn't take it anymore", cashed in on his 401K, went back to grad school for a teaching degree (incurring more than 50K in debt in the process) only to decide he didn't want to do that either. So now he's back doing the same thing as before, but says he'd quit again if he didn't have so much debt. This alone does not make him financially less responsible. Investing in oneself is never financially irresponsible -- it is the best investment one could ever make. Just because he has decided that he doesn't want to be a teacher, it doesn't mean he wasted his money or that he cannot use those skills elsewhere in the future. 6. He is content with being unhappy This kind of ties in with all of the above and is probably the biggest difference between us. I am by no means perfect, but my life has been improving steadily since a couple of years ago. I know what I want, and I've been working really hard to get there. On the other hand, he seems ok with having a 9-5 he doesn't care that much about, and blowing all his money on going out to drink too much with his friends. This is not consistent with your point #1. Obviously he's not content with a 9-5 job, but maybe he realizes he has no choice at the moment because he has this debt to take care of. It's not like he has a lot of options at the moment. It takes a lot of guts to do what he did. He quit his job to pursue a passion of becoming a teacher, but then for whatever reason decided he didn't want it, and decided to go back to what he was doing until he can pay off the debt. None of that sounds like a guy who is ok with having a 9-5. He sounds like a guy who actually wants to improve his life but has run into a few bumps in the road. Why hold that against him? Instead, maybe spend more time focussing on the positive aspects you mention about him.
Knittress Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Instead, maybe spend more time focussing on the positive aspects you mention about him. Eh, I think if you have to psych yourself into appreciating someone's company then it's just a waste of everyone's time.
Author eerie_reverie Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Update: it's over. And my gut tells me there was more wrong with him than met the eye. He wasn't too upset as I was leaving. Rather, he seemed to think the breakup was par for the course, telling me that if I hadn't fcvked with his mind so much going back and forth on wanting to be with him, he probably would have already broken up with me already out of boredom.
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