Depression and threats in a relationship- who's right, who's wrong?

[xpaperxcutx]

My girlfriend and I had a row last night. She accused of me of being immature and insincere, which I tried to take accountability for but nonetheless, her admonition was a slap to the face.

 

The problem is that we haven't seen each other for two weeks and save for a small texting session back on Wednesday, we have had limited to no contact. I didn't even return her missed call.

 

Now before anyone decides to jump down my throat for being so insensitive and impassive for neglecting my relationship, I have something to confess- I suffer from depression. It's not something that I'm proud of, neither is it something I'm going into details here ( unless you're so curious that you're going to look through my post history ). I suffer from the usual symptoms- I become withdrawn and antisocial, and I am prone to angry outbursts. When I get into one of my phases, I can only lock myself in my room and hope to ride out my depression. Unfortunately, my parents have to suffer through my emotional instabilities because I am literally a walking timebomb.

 

All in all, my relationship with my girlfriend came to a head last night. I had texted her a simple hi, and I was thrown into an emotional rollercoaster of being accused of being a brat and coward. And then she threatened me that if I liked hiding and being alone so much, I had better watch out for what I wished for.

 

So now, not only is she the one angry, I'm the one annoyed. I tried to explain my position and apologize for my behaviour, but I feel like she's asking for alot more than a simple apology, rather, I kind of feel like she wants me to apologize for having depression.

 

We're not speaking to each other right now. She told me to call her and apologize when I'm ready.

 

I'm embarrassed to be honest. I don't like to talk about my illness and I personally don't want to go into details about the things I get into when I am depressed ( Let's just say I become a drunk David Hasselhoff trying to eat his hamburger ).

 

So honestly, who's wrong, who's right? I'll take my fair share of responsibility here for being a d1ck but I don't like to be threatened by someone I love, it builds resentment. I'm at an impass.

Edited February 27, 2011 by xpaperxcutx

[Nexus One]

I don't think it's a question of who's right or who's wrong here, but at least one of you will have to step forward for things to turn around and get out of this impasse.

 

Why not propose her the following: "I've fallen into a depression and unless someone pulls me out, this thing is going to last for I don't know how long."

 

Also note that a lack of sunlight can create depression in a human being, sunlight actually kick-starts some chemical processes in the body that make you feel good and it also contains vitamin D. So if you lock yourself up in your room, then you're going to encourage depression. Also eating or refraining from eating certain foods can cause a lack or surplus of certain chemicals and induce/encourage depression, again due to certain chemical processes.

 

May I ask if there's a particular reason you're depressed? Is it due to an ex?

Edited February 27, 2011 by Nexus One

[xpaperxcutx]

I don't think it's a question of who's right or who's wrong here, but at least one of you will have to step forward for things to turn around and get out of this impasse.

 

Why not propose her the following: "I've fallen into a depression and unless someone pulls me out, this thing is going to last for I don't know how long."

 

Also note that a lack of sunlight can create depression in a human being, sunlight actually kick-starts some chemical processes in the body that make you feel good and it also contains vitamin D. So if you lock yourself up in your room, then you're going to encourage depression. Also eating or refraining from eating certain foods can cause a lack or surplus of certain chemicals and induce/encourage depression, again due to certain chemical processes.

 

May I ask if there's a particular reason you're depressed? Is it due to an ex?

 

 

 

Unfortunately, locking myself up is the only way I know how to cope. There was a time I could have locked myself up for months until my parents intervened.

 

I am seeking help for my problems, but I get terrible mood swings that really f- up my social life.

[Leeway Harris]

I know where you're coming from. I have long-standing issues with depression myself, and it's controlled, but not all the time. Last Halloween, I crashed pretty hard, and it was a shock, because things had been going so well for me before that. For three months I was basically a robot, going to work, coming home, going right to bed.

 

I find that when this is going on, I avoid people who I know can't handle it. I don't lash out in anger, like you do. It's more like I become withdrawn and don't see or talk to anybody. I don't know a lot of people who know what depression is, or how to deal with somebody who has it. My friends don't know how to be a friend to me in those times, and I don't know how to be a friend to them. So I end up going underground and doing whatever I can to just get through the day. I don't know if this is the best strategy, but I don't know what else to do.

 

If this is a really close friend, you need to be sensitive to each other's issues. It hurts her when you withdraw into yourself, maybe she feels like you're abandoning her. Explain that you're dealing with something difficult, and it's not something she can help with, but you're doing the best you can and she'll need to be patient with you if she wants you as a friend.

 

Also, are you getting help for this? From qualified people? Because like I said, your friends can't do much in this situation. That's one reason it's so frustrating for them. If you're suffering from depression and not getting the help you need, it hurts not only you, but also the people who care about you. So I hope you're getting the help you need.

 

ETA: Okay, so you're seeking help. That is good. There's hard work ahead, but you owe it to yourself and the people who care about you to stick to it. Good luck!

Edited February 27, 2011 by Leeway Harris

[Titania22]

Papercut, I just wanted to let you know I have suffered depression and panic attacks on and off too, so I know what you are going through.

 

My daughter is full on in the middle of it right now too, she was crying her eyes out and complaining of the lack of sharp knives in the house. What I am trying for her, is to get some iron into her. (foods that contain iron are meat, lentils, beans (legumes and green), brocilli, cauliflower, spinach, eggs)(dairy food doesn't have much iron), and natural vitamin C as it helps the iron absorb.

 

I know that doesn't help other causes of depression, but at least it should help with the biological causes. If you can manage to get yourself some of these foods, it might help lift you a bit.

 

Honestly I don't know how relationships work for depression sufferers, people who haven't had it, don't get what it's like, and being with someone who also has it, makes it hard to get out of once one of you falls in it.

 

I wish I could give you a hug, because just like my daughter I know you are a totally awesome girl, and you will feel better soon.

[xpaperxcutx]

I know where you're coming from. I have long-standing issues with depression myself, and it's controlled, but not all the time. Last Halloween, I crashed pretty hard, and it was a shock, because things had been going so well for me before that. For three months I was basically a robot, going to work, coming home, going right to bed.

 

I find that when this is going on, I avoid people who I know can't handle it. I don't lash out in anger, like you do. It's more like I become withdrawn and don't see or talk to anybody. I don't know a lot of people who know what depression is, or how to deal with somebody who has it. My friends don't know how to be a friend to me in those times, and I don't know how to be a friend to them. So I end up going underground and doing whatever I can to just get through the day. I don't know if this is the best strategy, but I don't know what else to do.

 

If this is a really close friend, you need to be sensitive to each other's issues. It hurts her when you withdraw into yourself, maybe she feels like you're abandoning her. Explain that you're dealing with something difficult, and it's not something she can help with, but you're doing the best you can and she'll need to be patient with you if she wants you as a friend.

 

Also, are you getting help for this? From qualified people? Because like I said, your friends can't do much in this situation. That's one reason it's so frustrating for them. If you're suffering from depression and not getting the help you need, it hurts not only you, but also the people who care about you. So I hope you're getting the help you need.

 

ETA: Okay, so you're seeking help. That is good. There's hard work ahead, but you owe it to yourself and the people who care about you to stick to it. Good luck!

 

She's my girlfriend, not just a girl who I'm friends with. If there is a particular person who I don't want to see me like this, it's her. She has enough on her plates right now to have to worry about me.

 

The only reason I lash out at people is because I get extremely agitated when I'm in my moods. My parents, especially my mom, have been the ones who have to bear the weight of my problems. That is why I like to be alone. I can't deal with my emotions, not like normal people anyways.

[xpaperxcutx]

Or at least by the tone of her voice, I can tell she's still annoyed at me. She just asked me two questions on the phone, whether I'm still going out with her or having brunch with her the next day. And when I said no, she said goodbye.

 

I'm seriously done. I don't think there need be an official " we're through" speech.

[xpaperxcutx]

Papercut, I just wanted to let you know I have suffered depression and panic attacks on and off too, so I know what you are going through.

 

My daughter is full on in the middle of it right now too, she was crying her eyes out and complaining of the lack of sharp knives in the house. What I am trying for her, is to get some iron into her. (foods that contain iron are meat, lentils, beans (legumes and green), brocilli, cauliflower, spinach, eggs)(dairy food doesn't have much iron), and natural vitamin C as it helps the iron absorb.

 

I know that doesn't help other causes of depression, but at least it should help with the biological causes. If you can manage to get yourself some of these foods, it might help lift you a bit.

 

Honestly I don't know how relationships work for depression sufferers, people who haven't had it, don't get what it's like, and being with someone who also has it, makes it hard to get out of once one of you falls in it.

 

I wish I could give you a hug, because just like my daughter I know you are a totally awesome girl, and you will feel better soon.

T, self-harm is on my resume, but it's not something I partake in anymore. As for food, I don't have a normal eating pattern, I have relapses in my ED that I'm just trying to get by getting my daily calories without getting upset and wondering whether I'll get fat.

 

Relationships just don't work for me, that is why my last R was 2 years ago.

 

Also, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter.

Edited February 27, 2011 by xpaperxcutx

[Nexus One]

Are you still in school/college/university? Do you have a job? Or anything else that gets you out?

[xpaperxcutx]

Are you still in school/college/university? Do you have a job? Or anything else that gets you out?

 

The stupid thing is that I took the semester off. But even when I had been in school, I found myself cutting alot of classes and that's really affected my class attendance and gpa.

 

The worst thing is my mom is leaving in March for China, so I'm kind of afraid that I might relapse or something worse.

I've been doing so well up until now.

 

Of course this is the same reason my mom got me my dog. She thought animal therapy would cure me... and all I do is neglect him...

Edited February 27, 2011 by xpaperxcutx

[xpaperxcutx]

So my girlfriend texted me right now and she tells me that she's not upset anymore but we're going to have a talk when we see each other next.

 

Again, everything feels like a rollercoaster ride.

[Nexus One]

The stupid thing is that I took the semester off. But even when I had been in school, I found myself cutting alot of classes and that's really affected my class attendance and gpa.

 

The worst thing is my mom is leaving in March for China, so I'm kind of afraid that I might relapse or something worse.

I've been doing so well up until now.

 

Of course this is the same reason my mom got me my dog. She thought animal therapy would cure me... and all I do is neglect him...

 

Not sure how old you are or how far you are regarding the completion of your education, but what about trying to apply for a job (after school)?

Or perhaps trying to set up a business? (doesn't have to cost much)

And what about traveling, do you like traveling? (doesn't have to cost much, budget flight tickets + bidding on empty hotel rooms online)

 

Hey and give that dog a big hug and treat for me. You better, that's a living being you know.

[Titania22]

 

 

Also, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter.

 

It's genetic, from me, and she's had to put up with my swings all her life and having a psychopath for a father, so it's amazing she does as well as she does.

 

For me, like her it started in puberty. And I can tell you that I developed stratergies for myself over the years, and rarely get it now. Not because I am cured, but because my stratergies and ways of being in the world work for me, however I don't know how well I will go when the day comes I have to be really productive or starve.

 

Perhaps you can make some stratergies to help you cope when your mum goes away. My experience has been that when I am abandoned suddenly (say the kids spontaneously go to their dad) then I have a hard time coping, but when I know it's happening I get ideas of things I want to use the time for (like watch a movie or go out), then when the time comes I do what ever I feel, but know I have a backup plan I can stick to if i want.

 

Anyway, I have lots of ideas regarding depression, because I have dealt with my own for over 20yrs, and medicating was worse for me, so I deal with it drug free. (I don't remember if you are vegetarian, but I would say that it would be worth forcing down a small steak now, even if you don't feel like it.)

[Titania22]

Or perhaps trying to set up a business? (doesn't have to cost much)

 

Nexus One I am curious if you have ever had depression, because in the midst of it getting out of bed is a huge accomplishment, I think setting up a business is quite a leap.

 

I agree with you that cuddling her dog might be a good step.

[Sanman]

So my girlfriend texted me right now and she tells me that she's not upset anymore but we're going to have a talk when we see each other next.

 

Again, everything feels like a rollercoaster ride.

 

 

Hey Paper cut,

 

Nexus one is right in that there is no right or wrong in this situation. There is only a situation that works for the two of you and one that does not. You need to be honest with your gf and let her know what is going on. Not telling her the truth keeps the roller coaster going because she does not know what to think and in turn reacts based only on what is in her head. For all she knows, you get a new bf and decided to ignore her. If you are honest with her, she may reject you and that will be difficult to deal with for you. However, if you keep rehashing this pattern she will leave for sure or it will get more destructive. I know your pattern is to close yourself off and run into your next relationship rather than facing the issues at hand. Get off okcupid, be honest with your gf, and kind someone you can be completely open with about your issues. Be it a therapist or a friend, keeping it in rather than confronting it will only prolong your agony. Be nice to yourself and let the emotions out in a healthy way rather than holding them in until you hurt yourself or have an outburst.

[mo mo]

In my opinion, in these cases, no one is right and no one is wrong.

 

I know someone who suffers from bipolar personality disorder (among other things) and it can be really hard to be his friend at times. I have known him for years and there have been times where he has really tested my patience.

 

You see, the thing is, even though I understand he has his problems, that negative energy can be harmful to his relationships. Quite honestly, somebody like him asking for people to put up with his problems is asking a lot. He can't just expect people to give him free passes all the time when he is in one of his moods, because with or without him, the world keeps turning and things need to get done.

 

You realize your gf has her own issues and you know that you shouldn't be trying to blame her for any of your issues or anything like that, which is good. I'd say the fact that you are aware of your issues and you came here for some advice shows that you really care about her and your relationship with her. I hope you do realize just how amazing she really is for pulling through with you all of this time, and you should definitely thank her for her support throughout your relationship.

[kdark]

I'm in the same boat as you, papercut. I feel like I'm not fit for a relationship because I know that once one of my mood swings come around, things get very, very difficult to handle. Just look at some of my previous threads I started.

 

I wish I had some constructive ways of dealing with things, but I'm looking for answers on how to cope just like you are. My plan has been to just stay single so no one gets hurt, but things are getting pretty lonely...

[whichwayisup]

This isn't about who's right and who's wrong. More like can your girlfriend support you and be understanding of your depression and all that it brings? I do believe though, you can't use your depression as an excuse to take things out on her, and be cruel.

 

Do you trust your girlfriend 100%? You say you don't open up much about your depression, but can you 'talk' to her about things? Feel she's got your back no matter what? If no, then maybe you two aren't good for eachother.

 

Depression is hard to deal with and it takes a patient, kind and special person to be around someone who has it. No offense to you, I have suffered from mild depression at times, but mostly it's anxiety and panic attacks, though CBT has really helped me and I know what to do and how to handle it now.

 

Continue with therapy. Reach out to people and talk. The worst thing you can do is isoloate yourself and do nothing.

 

Papercut, I just wanted to let you know I have suffered depression and panic attacks on and off too, so I know what you are going through.

 

My daughter is full on in the middle of it right now too, she was crying her eyes out and complaining of the lack of sharp knives in the house. What I am trying for her, is to get some iron into her. (foods that contain iron are meat, lentils, beans (legumes and green), brocilli, cauliflower, spinach, eggs)(dairy food doesn't have much iron), and natural vitamin C as it helps the iron absorb.

 

I know that doesn't help other causes of depression, but at least it should help with the biological causes. If you can manage to get yourself some of these foods, it might help lift you a bit.

 

Honestly I don't know how relationships work for depression sufferers, people who haven't had it, don't get what it's like, and being with someone who also has it, makes it hard to get out of once one of you falls in it.

 

I wish I could give you a hug, because just like my daughter I know you are a totally awesome girl, and you will feel better soon.

 

Have you given your daughter B12 shots? It can help with the iron levels. Ask your Dr next time she gets blood tests done..

 

She's my girlfriend, not just a girl who I'm friends with. If there is a particular person who I don't want to see me like this, it's her. She has enough on her plates right now to have to worry about me.

 

The only reason I lash out at people is because I get extremely agitated when I'm in my moods. My parents, especially my mom, have been the ones who have to bear the weight of my problems. That is why I like to be alone. I can't deal with my emotions, not like normal people anyways.

 

Does your gf understand depression? If she is an important part of your life, then she needs to see you at your worst and be there for you. If she can't handle it, meaning are you two talking marriage in the future? if yes, she has to be around you, be able to cope with all this. It's a forever thing.

 

Do more counselling when your mom is away. Maybe even group therapy will help you too..

 

So my girlfriend texted me right now and she tells me that she's not upset anymore but we're going to have a talk when we see each other next.

 

Again, everything feels like a rollercoaster ride.

 

She's reacting to what you are reacting to and the problem is, you two are coming at things from two different angles, opposites.

 

As for the dog, ask someone to help you while your mom is away. It's not fair for the dog to suffer because it's too much for you to handle.

 

P, ask for help. I know it's hard, but the more people you let help you, the better you will be in the long run. to have friends who will help you at your lowest and be there to help.