fishtaco Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I try to balance positive and critical posting so I don't "call out" people on everything. I tried to stick to the crimes I have once committed or someone did to me so I can give experienced feedback. I hope other posters understand that anytime I point the finger at a behavior, that I am pointed the finger right back at myself. I am far from a saint in the dating arena, but I have come a long way. I see this "not calling out your own gender" all the time. This part I agree with U_F. Being a guy, I tend to notice it more when women do it. I'm sure male posters are the same. Like some women will give me an internet punch in one thread because the "victim" is a woman. Then the same but gender reversed situation happens to a male "victim", then it's crickets. But in this case, I believe there's no "calling out". SunsetRed didn't do anything wrong. The guy is the one that needs a slap upside the head.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 She tried to tell him that she's not interested anymore. Her mistake was she was trying to tell him using women languages. Is it women language, or is it passive language due to personal guilt? People wont tell the truth because they think no one can handle it. She wont tell him "Im not interested in you, heres why, dont call me anymore.." because shes doesnt want anyone to think shes "mean". But that is the real men language! Ive seen too many women even on here do this. So basically even though she will never see this guy again, shes piling her own perceptions of other people on herself that dont exist, and using that as the excuse not to tell him what he really needs to hear, rather than gettin him off her back. So is it woman language, or is it selfish behavior? Maybe she doesnt know whether or not he will go away if she tells him in direct words, but if she thinks she wont hear from him again, that isnt what she wants?
Mrlonelyone Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Eddie in my reply to the OP I posted a video where a relationship therapist says it best. "I think when people talk about letting people down easily their really thinking in terms of letting themselves down easy." What will make breaking up the easiest is to give the other person closure. Without said closure it only makes things more difficult.
fishtaco Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Is it women language, or is it passive language due to personal guilt? People wont tell the truth because they think no one can handle it. She wont tell him "Im not interested in you, heres why, dont call me anymore.." because shes doesnt want anyone to think shes "mean". But that is the real men language! Ive seen too many women even on here do this. So basically even though she will never see this guy again, shes piling her own perceptions of other people on herself that dont exist, and using that as the excuse not to tell him what he really needs to hear, rather than gettin him off her back. So is it woman language, or is it selfish behavior? Maybe she doesnt know whether or not he will go away if she tells him in direct words, but if she thinks she wont hear from him again, that isnt what she wants? I see your point. But personally, she would need to do more than this before I would mark her as selfish. But I also have a harsh world view, so my threshold for bad behavior, for both men and women, tend to be lower. So I would say this is woman language. I would have read it loud and clear. And in fact I did several months ago. I took one woman off of my rotation at the time, and she did even LESS than what SunsetRed did in terms of communicating disinterest. But because I'm more socially adapted than this loser guy, I was able to back off exactly to friend zone and keep communication going, completely from my efforts alone, she didn't do crap, I had to take the lead in this transition. Later she confirmed she did lose interest, although she felt the need to barf up a giant excuse for that too, which promptly went out my other ear because I didn't care. So no, I don't think SunsetRed is selfish. Although I'm sure you and others disagree.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 @fishtaco Would you at least agree that sunset red is not really truly thinking of the feelings of this man. That alone does not make her selfish...but she is certainly not doing him any favor with the way she's going about things.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) opps DP Sorry. Edited February 27, 2011 by Mrlonelyone
fishtaco Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 @fishtaco Would you at least agree that sunset red is not really truly thinking of the feelings of this man. That alone does not make her selfish...but she is certainly not doing him any favor with the way she's going about things. I believe you are spot on with your analysis. So oh course not. Only truly altruistic and understanding human beings with deep understanding of human psychology can pull that off. She's just a random woman. I would not expect that out of her. Especially since I'm just a random guy, and I don't behave any better or worse than she would. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I have sinned in the past, and I am absolutely damn sure I will sin again in the future. I'm not condemning her for this little thing. And again, it's the guy's own responsibility. No baby sitting.
musemaj11 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I DID tell him after date number 2. And, I've always offerd to go dutch, but he insists on paying. After date #2 he was sexting me and I politely responded that I'm newly single (after a recent break up) and that I wasn't ready to get cozy w anyone. I then added that I didn't want to be a tease and string him along. I said that specifically. He then invited me to a party at his place and said there were no strings attached and he wanted me as a friend. After the party he said he really wanted someone to spend Val. day with so I went. After Val day, I felt like I owed him one more date as he'd bought me a gift. On that last date, I REALLY tried to be open to him. I wasn't ready for sex, but I tried to be open to a little fooling around but my body just won't cooperate and I always want to pull away from him. SO...I did decline on going out for my bday, but now he's sending me texts about liking me and feeling lonely and wanting to be held. I'm trying to end this without saying anything mean. You are just making excuses. You are making it sound like you were 'forced' to go to dinners with him when all you had to do was ignore his calls if you really did not want to go. I'm not condemning her for this little thing. And again, it's the guy's own responsibility. No baby sitting. Dumb and desperate men like this guy are the reasons why gold diggers exist. If all men stopped throwing money at women, this phenomenon would suddenly disappear. We are living in a tough economic time. Guys need to watch out. There are a lot of hungry women out there.
fishtaco Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Dumb and desperate men like this guy are the reasons why gold diggers exist. If all men stopped throwing money at women, this phenomenon would suddenly disappear. While I wouldn't make such a remark so specific to gold diggers, I absolutely agree with the direction you're going with this. I could care less what women do. They do women things and are of no concern to me. It's important that men stop being dumb. Then the system will self correct. And flip the genders, since I don't want to start a gender war. Women should do the same. Make sure you're not dumb, then crappy guys will bounce off your windshield like little dead bugs. Then the system will correct itself. Personal responsibility. You can't change the world, you can't control what other people do. But you can make sure you're not stupid. Although I have to disagree with you regarding SunsetRed. That "excuse" could be applied to anything. People are posting advice on LS for selfish reasons. It's not to help people, it's to prove they're right, to satisfy their own ego... whatever. With a little creativity, anyone that has posted anything on LS could be psychoanalyzed to be selfish biotches. So what she did, or didn't do, is small and inconsequential. I would not blame her. The guy being stupid is an erupting volcano next to a camp fire that is SunsetRed.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 So what she did, or didn't do, is small and inconsequential. I would not blame her. The guy being stupid is an erupting volcano next to a camp fire that is SunsetRed. It's not inconsequential when one fails to communicate properly. Six weeks is a long time to " fail' to pick up the phone and tell the guy it's not going to work. SHe needs to take some responsibility especially since she's the one complaining about where things are heading. If there's a person to blame for prolonging this, she can't hardly say she's not the culprit.
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