How to Not String Someone Along

[SunsetRed]

I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks now. He's nice to me and does nice things for me, but I can tell (because he's told me) that he's hoping his efforts will get him sex and a gf. He's not looking to get laid, he is seriously considering me as a gf.

 

I'm just not feeling it with him. My body wants to pull away from him every time he touches me. I don't "dislike" him because he's "nice." In fact I don't dislike him at all, its just that he's not good bf material for me.

In spite of being "nice" he can be very crass and rude in public and he has to kiss me, hug me or try and pick me up every 20 seconds or so. I feel like his need to hug/kiss constantly is about being terroritial and not about me.

 

Lol, the nice that he's done is that he's paid for all 4 of our dinners, he won't let me go dutch and he did buy me a Valentine gift. He wanted to take me out this weekend for my bday, but I declined because I don't want him to spend anymore $$ on me if I know I'm not going to sleep with him.

 

I'm very passive about rejecting and hurting anyone, but at some point I need to with this guy or else I'm just stringing him along. It is so hard for me to be upfront and tell him I can't see him anymore but if i don't, then this is just going to drag out and sooner or later I'll have to break it to him.

 

Anyone have advice on how a very passive person can avoid stringing someone along?

[Cee]

Try to see breaking it up with him is the humane thing to do. He wants a girlfriend and you aren't it. By being assertive you are preserving both of your dignity.

 

I'm not a fan of the telephone break up, but you can tell him over the phone that you aren't feeling a boyfriend/girlfriend connection. The good thing about the phone break up is that you aren't on a date and can't get convinced to back off. I think the phone break up is better than stringing a person along.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that he may already know this is his coming. His public displays may have been a response to you shrinking away from him.

 

You can have a friend nearby when you make the call. That way you are accountable to following up with the break up.

[musemaj11]

After four free dinners, might as well continue doing what you are doing.

 

If you really feel bad, you would have stopped at dinner number two.

 

It seems the problem is that you have been enjoying the perks, but as it dawns on you that you are unavoidably going to have to give something back, you suddenly look for an exit.

[fishtaco]

I'm very passive about rejecting and hurting anyone, but at some point I need to with this guy or else I'm just stringing him along.

 

Surprise! You're already stringing him along. Good news, it's no big deal. He's dumb for allowing you to do this. He should have seen the signs and bailed. I would have.

 

Anyway, tell him you like him, but not that way, or any of those over used phrase. You think of him like a brother, he's your best friend, whatever. Then if he still doesn't get it, it's his own fault. The reason to use these over-used phrase is because they are like the industry standard for saying no, I'm not interested. It gets the message across, which is what you want. If you come up with something super creative, then there's actually a higher chance he won't get it.

 

If you want to be nice, reject all future attempts at date-ish activities. Bring a friend (but tell him, don't act like it'll be you two then surprise him with a friend). If you want to be average, then after you've made it clear you're not interested, you are free to accept all future perks. It's his fault for not understanding the situation.

[SunsetRed]

I DID tell him after date number 2. And, I've always offerd to go dutch, but he insists on paying. After date #2 he was sexting me and I politely responded that I'm newly single (after a recent break up) and that I wasn't ready to get cozy w anyone. I then added that I didn't want to be a tease and string him along. I said that specifically.

 

He then invited me to a party at his place and said there were no strings attached and he wanted me as a friend. After the party he said he really wanted someone to spend Val. day with so I went. After Val day, I felt like I owed him one more date as he'd bought me a gift.

 

On that last date, I REALLY tried to be open to him. I wasn't ready for sex, but I tried to be open to a little fooling around but my body just won't cooperate and I always want to pull away from him.

 

SO...I did decline on going out for my bday, but now he's sending me texts about liking me and feeling lonely and wanting to be held. I'm trying to end this without saying anything mean.

[Mrlonelyone]

The least mean thing you can do is to just tell him the direct and honest truth in a tactful way.

 

Follow the advice in this video.

http://www.girlsaskguys.com/Break-Up-Videos/being-honest-when-breaking-up.html

[fishtaco]

I DID tell him after date number 2. And, I've always offerd to go dutch, but he insists on paying. After date #2 he was sexting me and I politely responded that I'm newly single (after a recent break up) and that I wasn't ready to get cozy w anyone. I then added that I didn't want to be a tease and string him along. I said that specifically.

 

Well, he's REALLY dumb then. He needs to learn a hard lesson so he could wake up and smell the coffee. And that would be doing him a favor. But I don't think you have what it takes to do it. You're too nice.

 

What I said earlier stands. If he keeps shoving perks down your throat, you're not obligated to not take it, and you are not obligated to give him anything back in return. You can just keep taking. As far as I'm concerned, you already told him. From this point on, it's his own fault.

 

But if you want to be nice and end it, you'll have to be more... blunt. This guy won't be able to be just friends with you, let me tell you that right now, so get that out of your mind that it'll be possible to stay friends after this. You have to go for no contact. He's not socially aware enough to be able to only back off to friend distance.

 

Anyway that's what I think. I'm sure other LS people would have different advice. Go with what you think is best.

[Distant78]

Just let him go. You were already stringing him alone, wasting his time and money. If he wasn't the guy in the first place, be real and let him know. Playing with people's hearts like this can sometimes lead to mortal danger. You gotta be an adult next time and let them know you don't like them.

[Ay Diesel T]

Just be upfront and honest with him. Tell him what you're telling us here. You've already wasted this dude's time, money and energy. The worst you could do is let him down easy, and continuing to let him waste 3 valuable things he'll never get back.

 

Women, smh.

[Eddie Edirol]

Tell him exactly what it is about him that makes you unattracted to him, and then STOP TALKING TO HIM! Youre trying to avoid rejecting him because you cant deal with your own guilt, you know you dont care about his feelings, especially since you let it go on this long. When you tell him what to do to avoid getting taken advantage of again, he will appreciate it. for example, you tell him that when a woman cancels on him, and doesnt kiss him, shes not interested but wont say it directly. Dont avoid telling him things just because YOU cant handle people saying the same thing to you. Hes a guy, he can take it. Grow a pair and tell him what he needs to know so he will leave you alone.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If there isn't a "Woman's Club" mentality in this Dating Section... Then were are the ladies that should be telling her what she is doing is WRONG. So far it's all guys saying this. Yet she is clearly stringing this poor guy along. By constantly saying YES she is sending mixed signals.

 

The best so far is Cee just saying SR should dump him and how. Dump him? What the hell? How about send him a check for the dates and say due to a lack of chemistry she isn't interested in further contact?

[jane100]

Perhaps Sunset, you were just giving him a "chance".

 

For his part, he probably hoped if he saw you a few times you might begin to have feelings for him.

 

So, don't feel too bad about it!

 

Some people make a relationship from such begininngs, though I confess I never have.

[xpaperxcutx]

If there isn't a "Woman's Club" mentality in this Dating Section... Then were are the ladies that should be telling her what she is doing is WRONG. So far it's all guys saying this. Yet she is clearly stringing this poor guy along. By constantly saying YES she is sending mixed signals.

 

The best so far is Cee just saying SR should dump him and how. Dump him? What the hell? How about send him a check for the dates and say due to a lack of chemistry she isn't interested in further contact?

 

U_F, quit your holier- than- thou attitude, just because it's all the guys telling her she's in the wrong here doesn't mean we ( the women) aren't against her behaviour.

 

OP, you're being impassive and selfish. Your behaviour is an contributing factor to why men find dating exhausting and women, the devil reincarnate.

 

 

Nothing can justify your actions, not even your need to avoid ' hurting his feelings".

Edited February 27, 2011 by xpaperxcutx

[Distant78]

U_F, quit your holier- than- thou attitude, just because it's all the guys telling her she's in the wrong here doesn't mean we ( the women) aren't against her behaviour.

 

OP, you're being impassive and selfish. Your behaviour is an contributing factor to why men find dating exhausting and women, the devil reincarnate.

 

 

Nothing can justify your actions, not even your need to avoid ' hurting his feelings".

 

Hey don't get on UF like that.

[xpaperxcutx]

Hey don't get on UF like that.

 

Are you going to force me to apologize? I don't think I did anything wrong calling out his behaviour and his need to berate a certain gender of this community.

 

Just to add, my subsequent paragraph addressing the OP proves him wrong.

[Distant78]

Are you going to force me to apologize? I don't think I did anything wrong calling out his behaviour and his need to berate a certain gender of this community.

 

A certain gender?

 

Just to add, my subsequent paragraph addressing the OP proves him wrong.

 

How does it prove him wrong? You're agreeing with him. Doesn't make sense.

[xpaperxcutx]

A certain gender?

 

 

 

How does it prove him wrong? You're agreeing with him. Doesn't make sense.

 

I'm not going to say his use of a " women's club" is any way of an attack, but the connotation is the same.

 

Agreeing with him is also a way of proving his miscontrued notion that most women find the OP's behaviour acceptable.

[Ay Diesel T]

I'm not going to say his use of a " women's club" is any way of an attack, but the connotation is the same.

 

Agreeing with him is also a way of proving his miscontrued notion that most women find the OP's behaviour acceptable.

 

Just stop it Papercut.

[Distant78]

I'm not going to say his use of a " women's club" is any way of an attack, but the connotation is the same.

 

No that's the same and it's what you implied. You talk about how he's attacking gender and you're doing the same.

 

Agreeing with him is also a way of proving his miscontrued notion that most women find the OP's behaviour acceptable.

 

Then why attack then want to agree with him? This is why a lot of women don't know how to hold relationships. Say one thing then do another, then switch back.

[Untouchable_Fire]

U_F, quit your holier- than- thou attitude, just because it's all the guys telling her she's in the wrong here doesn't mean we ( the women) aren't against her behaviour.

OP, you're being impassive and selfish. Your behaviour is an contributing factor to why men find dating exhausting and women, the devil reincarnate.

Nothing can justify your actions, not even your need to avoid ' hurting his feelings".

 

I like it!

 

I just want to point out to you why some of the guys here think the way they do. I know it isn't intentional, but sometimes it really comes across as giving female bad behavior a free pass.

 

Are you going to force me to apologize? I don't think I did anything wrong calling out his behaviour and his need to berate a certain gender of this community.

Just to add, my subsequent paragraph addressing the OP proves him wrong.

 

No need. I don't think Distant78 has had a chance to get to know you yet.

 

It's just I hear lots of people constantly complaining about a "Gender War" on this portion of the site. Although I would not say the ladies started it... I believe that the women here have the key to fixing it. The guys here literally CANT change without the women approaching them in a different way.

 

I'm not going to say his use of a " women's club" is any way of an attack, but the connotation is the same.

Agreeing with him is also a way of proving his miscontrued notion that most women find the OP's behaviour acceptable.

 

Silence is a form of agreement.

 

I want you to notice that the women on LS tend to treat Woggle differently from other male posters with gender mistrust issues. Why?

 

You do realize that if the women treated guys like WayneBrady the way they treat Woggle, WB will slowly change his tune.

[xpaperxcutx]

No that's the same and it's what you implied. You talk about how he's attacking gender and you're doing the same.

 

 

No, I called out his behaviour. If I was attacking an entire gender, I would make reference to men being something they're not.

 

 

Then why attack then want to agree with him? This is why a lot of women don't know how to hold relationships. Say one thing then do another, then switch back.

 

Generalizing about a gender doesn't make you any better either.

[Distant78]

I would make reference to men being something they're not.

 

But you did.

 

 

 

 

Generalizing about a gender doesn't make you any better either.

 

But see I didn't generalize. I said a lot, not all.

[xpaperxcutx]

[

QUOTE=Untouchable_Fire;3268964] I like it!

 

I just want to point out to you why some of the guys here think the way they do. I know it isn't intentional, but sometimes it really comes across as giving female bad behavior a free pass.

 

 

 

I understand your intentions, but there's no need to add salt to a wound that's merely covered, not healed.

 

 

 

 

No need. I don't think Distant78 has had a chance to get to know you yet.

 

It's just I hear lots of people constantly complaining about a "Gender War" on this portion of the site. Although I would not say the ladies started it... I believe that the women here have the key to fixing it. The guys here literally CANT change without the women approaching them in a different way.

 

 

I have no desire to know the culprit behind the gender wars, I merely wish there were people who mediate rather than pour oil into the flames. The best way cooperate is to not choose sides but be fair and logical when reasons are warranted.

 

Silence is a form of agreement.

 

I want you to notice that the women on LS tend to treat Woggle differently from other male posters with gender mistrust issues. Why?

 

You do realize that if the women treated guys like WayneBrady the way they treat Woggle, WB will slowly change his tune.

 

What does Woggle have anything to do with the OP's plight? This is where your reasoning is wrong. Do not bring a forum's issues into an independent thread. If you want to discuss " equality" between members, take the issue into the " water cooler" section. Don't hijack a thread for your personal/ selfish motives.

 

OP, I apologize for diverting the thread. I'm done here.

[fishtaco]

Oh yeah? Well girls are gross because they have cooties. Take that xpaperxcutx!!!

 

Just kidding.

 

Untouchable_Fire, I agree with a lot of things you said, and you've even opened my eyes to a couple of concepts that has lasting impacts with me. But in this case, I'll have to bring your attention to SunsetRed's reply to my post.

 

She really DID try to disconnect since the 2nd date. The guy is a dumbass that's why he's still there. At first I thought like you, because I thought all this time SunsetRed's been playing along. But after her reply to me, I realized she hasn't. She tried to tell him that she's not interested anymore. Her mistake was she was trying to tell him using women languages.

 

Someone like me, that is somewhat socially experienced, would have figured it out and bailed. I do manage, once in awhile, to interpret women languages correctly. So to me, I believe SunsetRed IS trying to disconnect, but the guy is the one making himself the victim of being led on.

 

Plus my view of the dating world is personal responsibility. And I'm no hypocrite when it comes to the gender war. So although in this case, the guy seems to be getting the short end of the stick, I say too f-ing bad. Even if SunsetRed was intentionally leading him on (which for the record I don't think so), it's STILL his own responsibility to not be in that situation. I mentioned this in other threads before, and have gotten into internet fights over this -- absolutely no baby sitting.

 

I also believe real change, a deep change, is impossible unless the person really wants to. The most direct way to get the "want", is trauma. Hence if SunsetRed really is a user bitch (which for the record, I also don't think so), it'll actually be good for the guy. He'll learn real quick, once the house of cards comes crashing down, and he's staring face to face with failure due to his own inadequacies.

 

So U_F, as must as I like your other posts, sorry bro, I'll have to side with xpaperxcutx on this one.

 

So to SunsetRed, your only mistake was trying to using women languages to disconnect. Other than that, I believe you have done nothing wrong. Here's the man language - I'm sorry, this is not working out, I don't think we should see each other anymore. Then don't answer any more communication from him.

 

Or you can do the guy a favor and become a user bitch. Just use him for whatever he gives you. But I don't think you have the personality for this.

[Cee]

I try to balance positive and critical posting so I don't "call out" people on everything. I tried to stick to the crimes I have once committed or someone did to me so I can give experienced feedback.

 

I hope other posters understand that anytime I point the finger at a behavior, that I am pointed the finger right back at myself. I am far from a saint in the dating arena, but I have come a long way.