EricLuther21 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 My ex and I dated for a year and about 2 months. We've had some problems, but all in all we've been very happy together. We have broken up twice during this time, but not any longer than a couple of weeks. And honestly, it was over petty crap that doesn't matter. I'd get mad over her wanting to drink and party and stuff. Well, I cut down on the bickering about it, but didn't completely cut it out.We were seemingly fine after getting back together for the last 4 months. But then all of the sudden on Sunday night, (After we spent the day at my moms house and had a good day) she asks me if she can't see forever, is it fair to stay? Of course I told her "yes it's fair because no one sees forever and that there is only here and now because no one is promised tomorrow." She ended up breaking up with me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since. I've made some mistakes in this process because she asked me to give her space to find out if she's truly happy with me. I couldn't give her space because she's my best friend. She and I usually talk all day everyday. But I've been okay about it. I tried not to text her unless she did first. But then I started begging, and telling her I'd change and that all the petty crap didn't mean anything anymore. I even asked to see her because we were in the same building on campus. She says she loves me and doesn't want to break up but she has to for her. What does all of this mean and what should I do? I know what I was doing to cause these problems, but i can't make her see that I know how to fix it too. I took her independence away by asking her to change who she was... how do I make this right? Our pictures (we took lots of pictures) show our happy fun times... i don't get it. How do I let her know that I want to be the guy she fell in love with again? That I will be that guy again?
willowthewisp Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 The advice that I always see given on these boards is to give her what she wants and do a u turn. What that means is stop begging, pleading etc and go against your gut instinct. Show her you are moving on, act like you are happy around her and in living your life without her in general. Go out with friends, have fun. Apparently this can work, I say MAY work because people want what they can't have. But to be honest, do you really want someone who isn't willing to work on realtionship problems, when a lot of the relationship is good? You said for the most part you have good times and are compatible, each others best friend, so do you really want someone who would quit on you? Does that bode well for the long term? Don't you think you deserve someone who understands that all realtionships have ups and downs, problems, changes and that they take work. That no one is 100% perfect and people will always change throughout their life. Don't you want someone who gets that and is willing to work and adapt and change with you, rather than just dump you because of one thing that you are doing that they don't like? From the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like a massive problem? You're not being abusive or anything, it sounds more to me like you were just asking for your needs to be met?
Author EricLuther21 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Here are things that I have learned since last Sunday. 1. I was being smothering. Needy if you will. I wanted all her free time to be spent with me. 2. She didn't feel independent anymore. 3. I didn't want her to drink and party (this isn't really a big deal to me, I just think I may be bipolar lol, cuz when she goes and comes back, it's no big deal) 4. She felt like I didn't trust her. Which I did, I just didn't show it by letting her be friends with who she wanted. 5. A continuation of the last one-- I didn't like her making new guy friends. I'm paranoid I guess. I know everyone will say, well you wont change this and that because you just say you will. I've honestly worked on some of this.. but I'd still say things about partying and guys. ALSO: She's been really really stressed lately. She's a Pre-physical therapy major.. so her classes are extremely hard. She works on campus and then at a fast food restaurant where her managers are complete Bi***es. Then there's me in her free time if she's not at the library. Where's her friends? exactly. I took all that time. The day this happened, we were fine. BUT she had a huge midterm the next morning. Had to work (sunday) and then she told me she was going home for the weekend next weekend to go to the Mardi Gras festival in stl. I of course got upset before i got all the details. Do you think stress played any part in this?
Author EricLuther21 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Bump - Please guys... I need any advice I can get!
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Stop begging. It will only make matters worse.
Author EricLuther21 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 It seems like everyone on here thinks when someone breaks up that it's completely over. And neither should try to reconcile... I don't get that. If you were in love once, shouldn't you at least try to figure things out together?
Eddie Edirol Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) What they didnt tell you is that EVERY time you: smothered her, spent too much time with her, didnt give her space, tried to change her, etc etc, theres too much to list - during the 6 months, you chipped away at her attraction for you. You started that 2 months in. Eveyrthing you did wasnt attractive in the least. Shes not stressed from school, shes stressed from YOU. She said school, but she was stressed about dealing with your breakup. Shes been thinking about it for the last couple months. She broke up with you because she didnt want to be around you, not because she wanted to see if she if she missed you. When a woman HAS to get away from you like that, you most likely wont get her back. Its not attractive to be controlling, jealous, paranoid, insecure. You treated her like property, and for all she knows, if she gets back with you, you will stay like that. She still has that in her head, and that wont make her attracted to you again, so you lost her for good. She knows there are plenty of guys at school with many friends that wont worry about where shes going, and who shes partying with, because they have a life, and they know she has a life, and they dont need to spend all their spare hours with her. They make her ask to spend time. When she has to work for it, she'll appreciate it more. Dont call or text her, dont answer all of her texts, youre too busy. Go party, and act like it doesnt affect you, this will drive her nuts if she cares. She will then know that she has to work for you and will make you attractive again. To be attractive again, you have to be confident, and you have to NOT NEED HER. When she notices you dont need her, she might get curious. She MIGHT. She might not, but thats your best bet. If she knows youre ready to move on to someone else quickly, when she knows other women are attracted to you, THAT will make you attractive again, and then you apply your changes. By then you would have moved on to another girl anyway. Let this be a lesson to you, if you want to keep your girl, do the OPPOSITE of everything you did with this one. You deal with them how you met them. They wont change for you unless they want to. Dont try to change anyone, it never works, and makes you look foolish. You see how you didnt change until it was too late????????? This is SOO important: Let her party however she wants. You met her as a partier, you accept it. You dont have to be jealous if you have the confidence to know she will be thinking of you while shes partying. You also dont care if she is or not. Dont get so attached to them so quickly, you will just look like a wimp. Everyone wants to earn the heart they desire, they dont want it handed to them. You ever see how people your age treat expensive things they get for free? Let them call you most of the time, girls your age, they want to. Get some friends and a life god dammit! No one likes a lonely guy. Your not getting your ex back, women dont move backwards when they broke it off. But now that you want to change, go get a new, better looking girl, and dont make the same mistakes with her. Edited February 27, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
Author EricLuther21 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 There are plenty of girls attracted to me... but I don't WANT them. What I do want is to be able to show my girl that I'm not the same idiot I was. I haven't talked to her in 2 days and it's been pretty hard. She knows I still love and care about her. And I know for a fact she loves and cares about me. I think she's afraid that it'll just go back to how it was. But when your eyes get opened like this, you wont fall into that same rut.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 There are plenty of girls attracted to me... but I don't WANT them. What I do want is to be able to show my girl that I'm not the same idiot I was. I haven't talked to her in 2 days and it's been pretty hard. She knows I still love and care about her. And I know for a fact she loves and cares about me. I think she's afraid that it'll just go back to how it was. But when your eyes get opened like this, you wont fall into that same rut. Do you not understand anything I wrote? Are you blind in depression?
Author EricLuther21 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Dude, you don't have to be a dick... I'm just saying that not everyone has to be over when they break up. Especially us. Im not trying to be mean here, or be in any kind of denial, I just know how much she cares for me. She's told her good friends that she still misses me and loves me and can't stop crying.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) Dont worry about me bieng a dick, worry about what Im trying to tell you. Im trying to give you knowledge here. Your girl wont CARE that you are trying. She is away from you fro a reason, and she wont go back when she thinks that you want her back. You have to not want her for her to notice. Or at least ACT like you dont want her. Thats how it works. You cant tell her you got your shyt together, she has to find out indirectly. Im telling you that everyone is over when they break up. She wont tell you its over because she cares about your feelings, but in her mind its over. So you have to keep away from her for even the remote chance for her to miss you. That means no communication until she comes looking for you asking to try again. No communication with her friends either. Edited February 27, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
Author EricLuther21 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 It's a wonder anyone gets back together if they all listened to you guys... I may be in a little bit of denial here, but I think that if given another-one last chance- we would be that same fun loving couple from before. All it takes is for me to bite my tongue about stupid S*it that doesn't matter. I mean afterall, she's dumped me and come back before... just like I dumped her and decided it was wrong.
Author EricLuther21 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Here's another thing... Her friends are my friends too. So when they ask me how I'm doing, am I suppose to lie? I don't want them to reassure her that she's done the right thing. But I want her to miss me too.. I'm so confused here. I've even gone to reading horoscopes... Do any of you believe in them? What about when her family talks to me? (we became really close over this time)
wildcars Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Eric, Listen to what the others are saying, it works! If your relationship is strong enough, then she will be coming around to you and begging you back... I went under the radar, and started quadding, bungy jumping, sky diving, and i'm going to Europe in a few weeks, all these things my ex knew from her friends.. And guess what, she sms me 3 nights ago that she "miss me".. But i did not react on that, wait that was a lie, i said "i miss you too" which was a mistake. But i didn't regret it.. I kept on NC, and then 2 in the morning she BBM me, "hi" x 5 times.. Use her friends, as a means of a information portal to your ex, that you are enjoying your life.. If she is worth it, SHE WILL COME BACK, if she doesn't.. Atlesast you are on your way of moving forward... It's hard, i know, i'm in the same boat..
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