Socal11 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 My girlfriend of just over 4 years is studying abroad and told me yesterday that she had sex with another guy when she was extremely drunk. She told me almost immediately after it happened because she said she never sobered up so fast in her life when she realized what had just happened. She had never done anything to hurt me during those four years. I am honestly waiting to wake up from this horrible dream. She has wrote me a couple of emails telling me how she feels like the biggest trash bag ever and has felt like she was going to puke since it happened. She says she completely understands if I never want to talk to her again but know that she will always love me but she hopes someday/somehow I will forgive her. She vows that she would stop drinking for the remainder of her trip and would wait around as long as it took me to start talking to her again. To say im hurt is an understatement... im completely stunned. The more I think about her and another guy, the more I want to never talk to her again. The more I think about all that we have experienced and felt for eachother, the more I want to somehow make it work. I was even planning on visiting her and proposing when I went... I do believe her when she says she made the worst decision of her life and regrets every second of it. She has called me crying but I don't want to talk to her... im really confused... The guy has a girl in the states and told her. I guess he is semi suicidal about the whole situation. He responded to my harsh facebook message saying how sorry he was and how ashamed he is and doesnt deserve to live. Someone wake me up... Please.... Thanks in advance for any help or tips!
knighttemplar Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I know this hurts. But ask these questions to yourself: 1. do i love this girl? 2. am i willing to do anything to make it work? 3. is she doing things that are life threatening or a danger to me or her? 4. Have i ever made a mistake? 5. Was there a time in my life that i did something and asked for forgiveness? 6. What would live be without her? 7. Is there a perfect person, relationship on this earth? 8. Do i believe in a higher power? 9. When i look into her eyes, can i imagine growing old with her? 10. I wanted her to be honest with me, am i ready to deal with that honesty? or is it better for her to lie to me? when you do,,, you have your answer
seibert253 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 For what it's worth, I actually think it's a good sign she told you. She could have very easily said nothing and tried to forget it ever happened. From then on, your relationship would have been built upon a lie. But, she didn't. She "manned up" and told you right off the bat. I don't give her props for what she did, but at least she came right out and told you about it, without you even asking or knowing anything about it. When my first fiance' cheated, she never admitted to anything, even when confronted after the other dude told me what happened. Only thing I ever got was a I'm sorry. When my FWW cheated I practically had to drag it out of her before she fessed. If I hadn't had absolute proof, I'd never got anything. So, in that aspect, you are lucky. There is a ray of hope in your case.
USCGAviator Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 You lucky dog. Not everyone is as fortunate as you to discover the enemy before she infiltrated your bank acct.
paleblue Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 bummer. sorry this happened. yes, its nice she told you, and also that he apoligized, but unfortunately it doesnt change anything. been in your shoes before. sucks. knowing what i know now i should have just walked away back then instead of allowing it to slowly and painfully drag out. i do understand tho its hard to walk away at the time when you have such a history together. in my opinion it all comes down to trust. i wanted to forgive her. but the more i was around her the more resentful i became no matter how much i wanted to forget. it was always in the back of my mind. will she do it again. and how can i feel good about myself while being with her. i wasnt able to feel the same way anymore. its not exactly happy news here but im not going to sugar coat it for you. that was the ultimate breach of trust. at the very least you should take some time for yourself and think about things. take time until you are sure how you really feel about her now and what you want to do.
jnj express Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Hey Socal---your main problem is you are in a LD relationship, and really haven't much sway over the situation, she could be telling you one thing, and doing something completely different If you wanna keep this Relationship---then set up some boundaries---no more alcohol, no more spending time with any guys for any reason--no more partying-----but your problem is you can't moniter her Best for you to give her your boundaries, hope she sticks to them---but stay with a good 180 till she returns home----also do not commit to anything----let her do the heavy work to win you back---just don't be overly lovey-dovey at this point She knew what she was doing when she had her sexcapade---drop dead falling down drunks know RIGHT FROM WRONG----everything depends upon what you want
Wolfhound Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 [sIZE=5]Although the situation sucks to be in it sounds to me that, as long as she does what she says and curbs her drinking, you have about the best woman you could hope for from the human race. Anyone can make a bad decision at some point in their life. Although there are many people who are in relationships who have never cheated there are still temptations, it's just that these people were always strong in the moment and made the right decision, whether or not they will continue to do so in the future is still open. I feel the important thing is that she immediately told you. She didn't have to, it would have had a much smaller negative impact on herself if she had simply put it behind her and never said a word to you about it, but instead she immediately came to you with the truth. This shows that she respects you and unquestionably puts you first in the relationship. Sure she cheated but as long as there are temptations there is going to be an occasional bad decision made by someone who is at all other times a good person. If she had planned on this being to her benefit she never would have told you. It doesn't sound like she even took time to think about all the options and consequences, she simply reacted and came clean with you. There are a hell of a lot worse people than that in the world and although there are many who have never cheated I don't think that means they are necessarily better, they've just made better decisions so far. As long as there are temptations there will be chances for good people to give in to a moment of weakness, drunkeness or whatever. It's what they do after that that really defines them. [/sIZE] [sIZE=5]Just don't ever give a third chance at forgiveness and you won't have to worry about being walked all over.[/sIZE] [sIZE=5]It's my opinion that you had better get in contact with her pronto, before she begins to put herself in the frame of mind to rebuild her life and move on, which will happen sooner or later. Now her attention and her emotions are focussed most keenly on you and if anyone ever had an opportunity to have a relationship where they can be confident in having honest communication you have that opportunity. I wouldn't let it slip away while you are sitting around feeling terrible about things. You can still feel terrible about it and she can still feel sorry about it but if you two are talking honestly and trying together to repair the relationship then that should make it that much stronger in the long run. [/sIZE] [sIZE=5]Sure it's terrible and sure it hurts, don't try to make yourself or her think any differently about it. But also don't dwell on it because that is only going to make the experience that much more horrible and life altering. Don't try to paint it better than it is and don't let it grow into something worse than it is. Move on. And don't use it in the future by bringing it up when you have a disagreement over something unrelated, it sounds like she is well aware of what she has done. [/sIZE] [sIZE=5]One other thing that you might get a small degree of relief from is that it sounds like the guy she hooked up with isn't the worst person in the world either, at least give her credit for not just flopping down with some total piece of s**t, at least that one sounds like he has some ethical or moral standards even if it is in hind sight, there are many guys that would use something like this to simply feed their egos and that can be a whole lot more humiliating and devastating to you.[/sIZE] [sIZE=5]I'm sorry you have to go thru this, just keep it in perspective and go slow and it will heal with time. At least you don't have to wonder if your girl is really being honest with you or not, despite this crappy experience it sounds like you have the basis for a really wonderful relationship. Take care.[/sIZE] [sIZE=5][/sIZE]
dreamingoftigers Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Talk to a counselor and don't put too much pressure on yourself to make a decision about this right away. There are degrees to cheating, it sounds as if this one was a huge huge regret from an otherwise honest and moral person. It also sounds like something that won't be repeated.
Bryanp Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been?
mitchell Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Wait until she returns from her trip abroad and discuss this with her face to face. Have sex with her. Do everything you've always wanted to do (anal, etc...) since she will be so relieved to be with you. Then dump her cheating a$$.
neveragain1 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 She has called me crying but I don't want to talk to her good, let her cry. i'd cut all contact with her and not even respond to any of her attempts at contact. She doesn't even deserve to hear its over if you so decide. (and you should so decide IMO) The guy has a girl in the states and told her. I guess he is semi suicidal about the whole situation. He responded to my harsh facebook message saying how sorry he was and how ashamed he is and doesnt deserve to live. ignore him too. his mental state isn't your problem. block him and your so-called gf.
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