eleanorhurting Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 I am right now at the lowest point of my life. I was having problems with my boyfriend and had been trying to work them out for a while. I was upset that he never dedicated any time to me and he was basically just not there most of the time... I was a horrible selfish whore and I starte leaning on my best friend more than I should have. He immediately starting trying to take things further once he saw that I was having problems with my boyfriend. From late night calls to conversations and late night study nights that should not have happened... I always told him that NOTHING would happen and that we needed to take time apart and that he should let go because despite everything I still loved my boyfriend... but then something would happen and we would start talking again and texting all the time. My boyfriend knew and he talked to me about it at one point but didn't really do much about it. I felt that what was going on was wrong but I would always end up leaning on him or calling him when I was sad or stressed and he was really trying for something to happen. He has had this thing for years where he always falls for girls with boyfriends and he didn't seem to feel that what was going on was wrong. At one point I dont even remember what I was thinking but I finally gave in and we fooled around. I felt like absolute trash. He said he didnt feel bad because what happened was beautiful and that I should break up with my boyfriend (I know I CANT BELIEVE I WAS SO DUMB AND DIDNT SLAP HIM RIGHT THERE) I felt like the big piece of trash that I was and I ended telling my boyfriend (I felt it was the right thing) and of course he broke up with me. It has been one of the lowest lows of my life. I have since then cut all contact with my friend (which is hard because we have alot of mutual friends and i see him very often). I have also cut off contact with my ex boyfriend out of respect for his decision to move on with his life and so I can let go also. He told me he forgave me and that he was sorry for neglecting me for so long because he was busy but that that he could not be with me any longer. It has been almost 3 months and I still cry every single day. I feel that what happened was the grossest thing that has ever happened in my life. I feel like I am never going to be able to forgive myself for what happened... I just cant let go How do people move on after this? Its so hard specially when i have to see the person who i made the mistake with so often... and he is acting like a wounded puppy all the time which makes me feel even more guilty. I really dont know what to do with my life I am seriously getting depressed. This is all I think about... all I do is think about what a horrible whore i was. I dont know what to do... I would move away and start anew far from everything but I cant! I'm in the middle of medical school (yes you are probably thinking I will be a terrible doctor also).
Author eleanorhurting Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 I told my boyfriend 2 days after it happened. Just wanted to clear that up... It was the darkest Christmas I have ever lived.
Author eleanorhurting Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 I know... I am not trying to justify anything that happened I feel like it was the worst mistake of my life I just want to know how I move on from this place of guilt and sadness You said learn and move on with your life. I definitely learned from this... now how do I move on? I know what happened was horrible and I cut this person out of my life completely! Should have happened a long time ago... but better late than never. I am really trying to make good choices in my life now.
Author eleanorhurting Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 I'm trying to rebuild myself now. I know what happened was horrible and inexcusable and I have apologized to all parties involved and have cut contact with all of them. I know I will eventually move on but I feel like I have this huge scarlet letter... and I'm scared. Will I ever have a trusting relationship after this? I look at the person I used to be and I look at what happened and I cant believe we are the same person. Will I ever stop feeling like a needy, selfish cheater and start feeling like a person who cheated and learned from it? What can I do so that this does not define me? I am 24... I would like to get married someday and start a family and think of this as a far distant past. Will I ever be able to do that or will this scar be with me for the rest of my life? I know that deep down despite everything that happened I am a good person... a good person who strayed and is trying to get back on her feet. If there was not good in my heart then I would have continued making horrible choices but stopped and starting making good ones (too late though). I sincerely dont know how to stop punishing myself for this. It is starting to affect my school work... I go through these cycles in my head all day long of trying to forgive myself and then punishing myself again and living in my head again all the horrible things that happened... all the people I hurt... I dont know if I will ever be worthy of someone's love and trust after this! Should I ever tell anyone in the future about my mistake and my scar?
Author eleanorhurting Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 well isnt the point of growing from this leaving it in the past? I would not want someone in the future to not trust me because of something that I did before... something that I learned from.
heartshaped Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 How do you move on? Forgive yourself. You are not infallible. People aren't infallible. Everyone makes mistakes. It's a fact of life. Your mistakes do not define who you are as a person. You did something wrong, you were honest about it, and now you need to forgive yourself and move on. There's nothing else to be done.
Author eleanorhurting Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Thanks... I really am trying. I know this situation will make me stronger in the end and a better person and better partner in the end. Looking back, even though I had never cheated on anyone before, this has helped me to recognize patterns that I have followed in the past that were not healthy at all (like leaning on guy friends or ex boyfriends when there were problems in my relationships or getting into rebound relationships shortly after one ended... basically trying to fix things by finding someone else... its horrible I know but I'm glad i realized it). I am seeing a therapist and my friends and family who were there all along when everything happened have been very supportive. I guess the only person left to forgive myself is me. Today it has been 10 weeks since the whole thing happened and even though I still feel like I'm in the slumps, I really would like to believe I will start feeling better. And to the person from the previous post, I am not saying I would lie about it, I just don't know if it is something I should disclose if I really like the other person and he does not ask. At what point in the relationship should I voluntarily say it? Although I believe what is past is past, I also believe that honesty is the best policy and I would like to think that the type of person that I would like to have a lasting relationship with in the future would accept me and not judge me for my past mistakes. Since I have been single, two people have shown interest in me and I have ended up telling them both pretty quickly that I am not interested in dating anyone right now because I came out of a relationship that ended because I was unfaithful and I am still recovering (they were both random people unrelated to anyone else in my life). It was actually a good thing that I told because one of them immediately backed off and told me that he respected me and that I needed time to heal (and I think he realized I was not interested anyway) and the other went on to be a horny jerk who somehow saw that as an opportunity to try to convince me to use him as a rebound and to "get distracted" from the whole thing. What a jerk! Maybe the situation makes peoples true colors come out and I can spot the *******s more easily! But I guess I disclosed it in those two cases because right now I am definitely NOT looking for anything with anyone until I heal completely. I don't know what the case will be in the future when I actually meet someone I like. Thank you for your support! It is sad but I guess it takes falling really hard to fix a problem.
Author eleanorhurting Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Thanks... I really am trying. I know this situation will make me stronger in the end and a better person and better partner in the end. Looking back, even though I had never cheated on anyone before, this has helped me to recognize patterns that I have followed in the past that were not healthy at all (like leaning on guy friends or ex boyfriends when there were problems in my relationships or getting into rebound relationships shortly after one ended... basically trying to fix things by finding someone else... its horrible I know but I'm glad i realized it). I am seeing a therapist and my friends and family who were there all along when everything happened have been very supportive. I guess the only person left to forgive myself is me. Today it has been 10 weeks since the whole thing happened and even though I still feel like I'm in the slumps, I really would like to believe I will start feeling better. And to the person from the previous post, I am not saying I would lie about it, I just don't know if it is something I should disclose if I really like the other person and he does not ask. At what point in the relationship should I voluntarily say it? Although I believe what is past is past, I also believe that honesty is the best policy and I would like to think that the type of person that I would like to have a lasting relationship with in the future would accept me and not judge me for my past mistakes. Since I have been single, two people have shown interest in me and I have ended up telling them both pretty quickly that I am not interested in dating anyone right now because I came out of a relationship that ended because I was unfaithful and I am still recovering (they were both random people unrelated to anyone else in my life). It was actually a good thing that I told because one of them immediately backed off and told me that he respected me and that I needed time to heal (and I think he realized I was not interested anyway) and the other went on to be a horny jerk who somehow saw that as an opportunity to try to convince me to use him as a rebound and to "get distracted" from the whole thing. What a jerk! Maybe the situation makes peoples true colors come out and I can spot the *******s more easily! But I guess I disclosed it in those two cases because right now I am definitely NOT looking for anything with anyone until I heal completely. I don't know what the case will be in the future when I actually meet someone I like. Thank you for your support! It is sad but I guess it takes falling really hard to fix a problem.
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