Kamille Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 When I was single, I didn't want to feel like I was doing a guy a favor by going out with them. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being complimented and told I was great, beautiful, smart. I didn't enjoy guys who played push-pull games. But I also didn't like the smell of desperation. What I was looking for was a man who made me feel like when it came to dating, he had criteria. A man who paid attention to things I consider important, namely maturity, compatibility and the desire to build an honest, healthy relationship. I was attracted to men who didn't make me feel like all they needed to fall in love with me was that I pay them attention. In other words... I was attracted to men who were hard to get. Thoughts, comments, experiences?
SingVoice Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 I get what you are saying. Although...I don't look at it like "hard to get." I look at it as being attracted to someone who has STANDARDS and values things other than just the physical. You know you don't want to feel like you are just anyone to them. Just like I don't want to date "just anyone."
Ay Diesel T Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 So you went for men that kind of made you work for their affection, in other words?
SingVoice Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Umm...I'm sorry...but that is NOT what I was saying at all. I don't want a player. I want someone with standards who values certain qualities other than "can i get with this girl she is hot."
Mrlonelyone Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) Umm...I'm sorry...but that is NOT what I was saying at all. I don't want a player. I want someone with standards who values certain qualities other than "can i get with this girl she is hot." The question in my mind is ... what makes you think a guy who tries to get with you dose not have standards? I mean you think you are a worthwhile and love worthy person right? If he comes after you then you must meet his standards. One more thing.... Why does it not make a man look more desperate, to women, if he's dating allot of different women? Wouldn't a man who's fine with himself by himself be just as allureing? Or is it just a matter of people wanting what they see others with...in this case particular men? Edited February 26, 2011 by Mrlonelyone
Author Kamille Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 I get what you are saying. Although...I don't look at it like "hard to get." I look at it as being attracted to someone who has STANDARDS and values things other than just the physical. You know you don't want to feel like you are just anyone to them. Just like I don't want to date "just anyone." I figured the use of "hard to get" would be more provocative! I agree it is about having standards. But for me it's more than standards. It's men who show an appreciation of what it takes for two humans to make a relationship work. So you went for men that kind of made you work for their affection, in other words? No, my boyfriend didn't make me work for his affection. () Not an ounce. But he made me feel like we were "dating", ie, like we were getting to know each other. Like he was paying attention to me, and who I was, in the process of deciding whether or not we had what it took to be in a committed relationship. It wasn't work at all, it was a dialogue about what we had in common. In this case, it was obviously quite enjoyable! The question in my mind is ... what makes you think a guy who tries to get with you dose not have standards? I mean you think you are a worthwhile and love worthy person right? If he comes after you then you must meet his standards. Guys on this board were the first to point this out but... How can a guy who's never spoken to me know enough about me to know whether or not we're compatible? Sure, maybe I meet his standards of beauty, but until we actually talk to each other, he has no idea who I am. Why does it not make a man look more desperate, to women, if he's dating allot of different women? Wouldn't a man who's fine with himself by himself be just as allureing? Or is it just a matter of people wanting what they see others with...in this case particular men? I'm not sure what you're refering to. Only once have I dated a multi-dater, and I found it exhausting. Usually, when I date a guy, we're both only dating each other - so really, "dating a lot of women" has never been a criterion for attraction to me. But, maybe the guy who dates a lot of women is more likely to apply standards, since he doesn't feel thrilled that someone is going out with him. Maybe guys with more experience are less likely to be overly keen on pleasing, thereby forgetting that they also have to decide whether or not the person they're dating is right for them.
jane100 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 hmmm... hard to get you say Kamille? I think what I find attractive is a man who is confident, he knows what he wants (me in this instance), and he's going to come after me. He doesn't have to be like that all the time - that would just be oppressive, needy and would come across the wrong way. But confident, comes after me, I find that attractive at certain times. To me thats not really playing hard to get is it, but rather the opposite? Or do you mean something else?
Ay Diesel T Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Depends. Women that are secure wouldn't mind going for a guy who they know has options on the table. Insecure women usually don't even go for it, out of fear of rejection, being hurt, they don't want to have to prove themselves, or because they want a guy to kiss ass from the jump. Insecure women can't stand a guy with options, yet, that same insecure woman may have several options on the table. It all comes down to who's confident and who's not. It only makes sense that a confident attractive guy is going to attract a confident woman. An insecure attractive woman is going to go for the guy who comforts her insecurities the most, whether it be direct or indirect. That's why sometimes you see attractive women with not so attractive guys. Obviously there's other factors like personality, money, etc. But don't believe for a second that the woman is secure in herself, and her ability to keep a man. The sick part is that the insecure partner in the relationship is usually the first one to start acting up, or cheating. I've got a homeboy that's really insecure. He cheated on her girlfriend, but yet, he's worried to death about her leaving him for someone else. It's a sick and vicious cycle sometimes lol.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Guys on this board were the first to point this out but... How can a guy who's never spoken to me know enough about me to know whether or not we're compatible? Sure, maybe I meet his standards of beauty, but until we actually talk to each other, he has no idea who I am. Chicken and the egg. It has to start somewhere. Unless you are friends first... which allot of people strongly belive cannot lead to romance.... a man can't know you before he takes you on a date. You meet the mans beauty standard... so he tries to get to know your personality. If he meets your attractiveness standard you are more likely to want to get to know his personality. Hence you go out on a date. Then if your personalities mesh you keep dating. I guess the way to know if a man does not have standards is to go on a date with him. Be a stone cold vitch dressed like a slob... and see if he still wants a second date. If he's turned off by that then he must have standards and will play hard to get because he won't want to date you.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 No, my boyfriend didn't make me work for his affection. () Not an ounce. But he made me feel like we were "dating", ie, like we were getting to know each other. Like he was paying attention to me, and who I was, in the process of deciding whether or not we had what it took to be in a committed relationship. It wasn't work at all, it was a dialogue about what we had in common. In this case, it was obviously quite enjoyable! Oh ok. So could you explain what the original idea of your post was? I'm not quite sure. You want a guy to be more or less, hard to get, through what kind of behavior? Where he's not all in from the jump? Clingy? Doesn't just give himself to you but rather sees where your head is at, who you are as a person, then decides to slowly become emotionally invested?
Mrlonelyone Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Ay Diesel T What you say about insecure men and women is very true. The thing is most people are insecure about something or the other. For example a poster here who I will not name considering dropping her BF because "he's too smart for her". Where he's not all in from the jump? Clingy? Doesn't just give himself to you but rather sees where your head is at, who you are as a person, then decides to slowly become emotionally invested? Isn't that called being friends first? I hear again and again from so many sources that's a big mistake in the dating world. Mostly on Eharmony's advice boards. (a den of serial daters if I ever saw one.) What you describe is what has lead to every significant relationship I have had.
Author Kamille Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 hmmm... hard to get you say Kamille? I think what I find attractive is a man who is confident, he knows what he wants (me in this instance), and he's going to come after me. He doesn't have to be like that all the time - that would just be oppressive, needy and would come across the wrong way. But confident, comes after me, I find that attractive at certain times. To me thats not really playing hard to get is it, but rather the opposite? Or do you mean something else? This thread is actually a reaction to this citation from this post: Irc333 Also, if I did do that, I think I'd be dateless. lol I mean, when I FINALLY get a woman's number (and of course , no other woman is interested in me), I finally get one that's AT LEAST somewhat interested, I probably won't give up as easily. Being hard to get (having standards) did not stop BF from pursuing me. He knew he wanted to get to know me more until the point he knew he wanted to be with me. I was attracted to guys who made me feel like they had an idea what they were looking for, beyond looks. I was attracted to guys who took the time to get to know me. While bf pursued from the beginning, his interest levels seemed to increase exponentially as he got to me. He didn't think his job was "landing a woman". He paid attention to how we clicked. He paid attention to us.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 This thread is actually a reaction to this citation from this post: Irc333 Being hard to get (having standards) did not stop BF from pursuing me. He knew he wanted to get to know me more until the point he knew he wanted to be with me. I was attracted to guys who made me feel like they had an idea what they were looking for, beyond looks. I was attracted to guys who took the time to get to know me. While bf pursued from the beginning, his interest levels seemed to increase exponentially as he got to me. He didn't think his job was "landing a woman". He paid attention to how we clicked. He paid attention to us. Lol I'm confused, isn't this all standard dating protocol? When I get a date with a woman I don't just kick back with my arms folded like "I did my part, I landed you......so?" That's like, an absurd amount of ridiculousness. When I'm on a date with a woman, I'm seeing what's up. What does she value? Morals? Substance? How does she get along with me? I don't turn the first couple of dates into a questionnaire, I get all this information through interaction with her. Isn't this how dating is supposed to be?
somedude81 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 This thread is actually a reaction to this citation from this post: Irc333 Being hard to get (having standards) did not stop BF from pursuing me. He knew he wanted to get to know me more until the point he knew he wanted to be with me. I was attracted to guys who made me feel like they had an idea what they were looking for, beyond looks. I was attracted to guys who took the time to get to know me. While bf pursued from the beginning, his interest levels seemed to increase exponentially as he got to me. He didn't think his job was "landing a woman". He paid attention to how we clicked. He paid attention to us. If you made this thread in a reacion to Irc333 then what you are saying is you want a man who doesn't take crap from women. To me, hard to get, describes somebody who takes a lot of prodding to get their phone number or get them out on a date then may needlessly cancel them. As for your BF, I'm 99% sure that your looks was the first thing he noticed and based his desire to get with you upon that. Then he took the time to get to know you.
Author Kamille Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 Chicken and the egg. It has to start somewhere. Unless you are friends first... which allot of people strongly belive cannot lead to romance.... a man can't know you before he takes you on a date. You meet the mans beauty standard... so he tries to get to know your personality. If he meets your attractiveness standard you are more likely to want to get to know his personality. Hence you go out on a date. Then if your personalities mesh you keep dating. I guess the way to know if a man does not have standards is to go on a date with him. Be a stone cold vitch dressed like a slob... and see if he still wants a second date. If he's turned off by that then he must have standards and will play hard to get because he won't want to date you. We agree about the fact that there needs to be attraction (physical) and that the only way to know about compatibility is to date and get to know each other. I disagree that one needs to put "tests" in place to figure out if a man has standards or not. In fact, I would say men who don't have standards are fairly easy to spot - just as are men who've given relationships a thought and know what they want. The way they interact with you is completely different. In the first case, a man who is thankful you're dating him, is actually less likely to ask you questions about yourself. They're more likely to spend more time trying to impress and less time trying to get to know you. They're also most likely to overlook major incompatibilities and to be stunned when you tell them you don't think it's going to work out. A guy who has standards pays attention to you, is interested in what you say and tends to actually be more open emotionally (and less likely bent on trying to impress). Often time, a date and I have rationally and simultaneously reached the conclusion that we both liked each other as people, but that we did not have enough in common for a long term commitment.
Author Kamille Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 As for your BF, I'm 99% sure that your looks was the first thing he noticed and based his desire to get with you upon that. Then he took the time to get to know you. Again guys, I'm not saying looks don't matter. I'm saying I was attracted to guys who were physically attracted to me, but who didn't think that was a sufficient criterion to pursue me desperately. Yes were attracted to each other, and then he spent a lot of time getting to know me. With him I feel like we're actually made for each other, precisely because our interest for each other evolved over time, as we found out more and more about each other.
Author Kamille Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 Lol I'm confused, isn't this all standard dating protocol? When I get a date with a woman I don't just kick back with my arms folded like "I did my part, I landed you......so?" That's like, an absurd amount of ridiculousness. When I'm on a date with a woman, I'm seeing what's up. What does she value? Morals? Substance? How does she get along with me? I don't turn the first couple of dates into a questionnaire, I get all this information through interaction with her. Isn't this how dating is supposed to be? ADT, we agree. Yup. Believe it or not, this thread is meant to empower the men who get stuck feeling desperate. I know, shocker right? Why would a person want to not tear down any member of the opposite sex??? I believe empowering men empowers all of us. And that empowering women does the same.
Author Kamille Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 Isn't that called being friends first? I hear again and again from so many sources that's a big mistake in the dating world. Mostly on Eharmony's advice boards. (a den of serial daters if I ever saw one.) I don't think of it as being friends first. Getting to know the other partner usually happens while dating.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 The thing is what you call desperate sounds like simply trying to date a woman. IRC333 was dealing with a woman who after two calls did not call back. How is that desperate? Desperate to me sounds like calling a woman up...who you've just met.. and leaving a message like. You are the most wonderful, beautiful, smart, angelic, woman to ever grace the face of the earth. Please please please date me. I love you I love you I love you. That would be desperate. I don't think anyone here is doing that. I don't think of it as being friends first. Getting to know the other partner usually happens while dating. I don't think so. To me people are usually on some BS or the other when dating without being friends first. It has been my experience that people will reveal to a friend things they never would to a date. IMO one month of being friends is worth two months of dating all else being equal.
Author Kamille Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 The thing is what you call desperate sounds like simply trying to date a woman. IRC333 was dealing with a woman who after two calls did not call back. How is that desperate? Desperate to me sounds like calling a woman up...who you've just met.. and leaving a message like. You are the most wonderful, beautiful, smart, angelic, woman to ever grace the face of the earth. Please please please date me. I love you I love you I love you. That would be desperate. I don't think anyone here is doing that. I'm not taking issue with the fact that he called twice (now three) times to set up a date. I'm tackling the sentiment of "desperation" that he himself expressed over the fact that when a woman shows interests, that prompts him to pursue harder because it happens so rarely. To me, the scarcity of shows of interest isn't a valid reason for deciding to pursue beyond a few calls. If you've gone on a few dates with a person and feel there's something there, then, by all means, pursue! If you hardly know the person and haven't been on a date, don't waste too much time or energy on them. I know this is obvious to most, but clearly it can be stated and restated again. I also wanted to give a woman's perspective on attraction and pursuing. Here's how it is: make sure the amount your pursue is in line with just how much you're actually compatible. I don't think so. To me people are usually on some BS or the other when dating without being friends first. It has been my experience that people will reveal to a friend things they never would to a date. IMO one month of being friends is worth two months of dating all else being equal. Sure. Both techniques are equally valid. But the fact that people tend to reveal less of themselves on dates is precisely why it's important to use the dating process wisely.
Author Kamille Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 if a guy see a girl show intrest he pruses harder. isnt that natuiral? to girls its called desperaton. cause they want jerks/players you're typing away at such madening speed there, I can hardly decipher your concoloson. My point is, pursue, but pursue with dignity. No man should feel so desperate that he's not allowed to have criteria, or so desperate that he has to latch on to any show of interests that's thrown his way.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 " No man should feel so desperate that he's not allowed to have criteria, or so desperate that he has to latch on to any show of interests that's thrown his way." Could you give a concrete example of something a man does that you would call desperate. That would really clarify just what you mean.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Kamille I appreciate what you are trying to do but here is what it sounds like to me... "Desperate attention from a man" Really means. "Any attention from a man I'm not interested in." "I like a man who has standards." Really means "I like men who aren't really into me because I have a low opinion of myself." or.. "I like a man who I'm attracted to or otherwise interested in".
PJKino Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 when you havent had a date in 7 years youll take the scraps i agree,i havent had a date in my 30 years on earth,i cant afford to be picky
Recommended Posts