bubbly03 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 I've been reading a bunch of y'alls stories and it's heartwarming to definitely realize I'm not alone! I wish each and everyone of you the best and hope that you find happiness within your unique situation... Now for my story... Just 5 days ago, my (now ex) boyfriend of a year ended things. I know for a fact that he has issues with depression that have occasionally caused him to retreat so when he began acting flaky about two weeks ago I didn't pay that much attention to it. And no, just to get things straight, it wasn't like I was neglecting the situation, he refuses to seek help from a professional and has mentioned for me NOT to be overly sympathetic because he feels like he is a burden. Anyways, the main reason's for the breakup on his part were the typical: -Things have been weird lately between us, do you want to maybe take a break to figure things out? I rejected the idea of a break because past experience has let me realize it's normally just a delayed breakup. -He mentioned he wasn't sure he was being a good bf anymore/wasn't sure he really wanted to try/kind of needed space -I asked if he wanted to break up and at first he hesitated thinking he knew he would later "regret" it -I was thrown some generic "We'll still run into each other (we have common friend groups, common bar hangouts, go to the same university)," "Maybe we'll run back into each other and things will spark back up" "We'll probably go to different grad schools in a year anyways" -I was pretty calm and didn't start crying until I realized he would eventually have to drop me off.. he ended things saying he would call me in a few days to see how I was (and that he still cares for me, would do anything for me and if he could take all my pain of me and put it on him, he would) -I dealt with it pretty well compared to what most people would expect, as I have a solid group of friends to count on, a difficult major and lots of outside activites. He didn't contact me that day, but the very next day he contact via FB chat to see how was doing since we talked yesterday. I let him know I was obviously upset, but managing fine to which he replied he was doing about the same. Then I told him I had to go to run along to class. I honestly didn't expect my "check up" call for a few more days. -The next day he contacted me... again. This time he called and left a voicemail. He said he was just checking to see how I was doing and how my day was. Then he said he would talk to me when I called him back. -Yep, I admit, I probably called him back wayyy too soon (like 3 hours later). -He then was with friends, and said he would call back when they left. -Unintentially, when he called back we got into about a half hour long conversation. -Basically the gist was yes, he's sad and misses me, but doesn't want to negiotiate anything with me because he "feels" it is the "right" thing -I mentioned to him regardless what happened with us, he needed help w/ his depression to which he goes "wow, maybe we really should talk in person' (I'd already kind of hinted it, oops) -THENNN the NEXT day, he FB chats me once again. He was making small talk/flirtacious jokes to which I wasn't too respondant with. He also mentioned he was working on a paper, so I suggested he get back to that. And he was like ha ok? talk to you later. No contact the next day. Then the following day, he FB messaged again saying "hey bud did you still want to meet up today" -Being fed up I answeed, "Sorry, I'm actually really busy this weekend/week. And I've actually been thiking that this is really the best thing for now. I'm not bitter in anyway but I think it would be best for us to not chat for awhile. If you want to chat down the road that's completely fine, but I think we both just need space -He just replied with 'well if that's what you want then that's fine' -I mentioned I'm not trying to be snarky, I just think if he really wanted to be friends it's probably better for now to things don't get blown out of proportion. I told him to say hey to his roommates for me, have a good spring break and that I had to go" Now I guess I'm officially in No contact mode. Ideally, I would love to work things out as there really were no conflicts to begin with... I just don't know if I should have phrased my conversatin that way... or blown him off. -I'm basically confused because every thing he SAYS adds up to I don't want a relationship with you. But everything he DOES completely contradicts that. I think he might feel guilty and wants to make sure I'm dealing OK, but my guy friend (different guy) said that when he breaks up w/ a girl he is done as in he hasn't spoken to most (90%) of his ex's again. Sorry this was an entire novel... I'm just beyond confused and frustrated!!!
Author bubbly03 Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 I know that was long but please, I would really really needing neutral advice!
Movingthrough Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 More people will chime in soon, but im pretty sure they are going to say the same thing. This behavior is typical, everyone of us on here has been through it and maybe even done it. Basically he knows and you know it isnt going to work out, but its not easy to let go of, thats why you get these messages etc. Its almost like "well what can i do to stop this hurt feeling i have". You guys are emotional right now, every one is after a breakup, so if he sees you online he will probably say something, why not, you had a connection. This doesnt help with the healing though, thats why we delete them of FB and go NC. Lets be honest, what are you gaining from talking to him now, or him talking to you? Not trying to be negative but.....nothing, thats what its doing. You seem mature and down to earth, so i would cut contact, you already said you think the break is best, there is nothing else to say. Like i tell everyone, NC is to stop the BS, as you can see, nothing has come from talking to him, nothing will, so there is not point to keep doing it.
Rose T Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Movingthrough is spot on, our exes are so used to us that they still reach out for comfort even after the break-up. But once you're not a couple any more, you get moved into this wierd "comfort-zone" where they would like to keep you FOREVER. I'm not joking, if your ex is anything like mine, he'd be happy moving on, finding a new love, getting on with his life, and keeping you in a little box somewhere to stroke his ego whenever he needed it. All the better if you don't find anyone else or move on with your life. It's insensitive and disrespectful, although it's dressed up as "how are you?", "I was thinking about you!" and even "I miss you". Really, it's about them and the emotional crutch, although they might not even realise it themselves. Your reply was perfect and NC is important now because he's clearly not got the self-discipline not to reach out to you, so he's an ideal candidate for the cold turkey method. See how he really likes being broken up when you're nowhere to be seen. Try and stay NC for a few weeks and he'll either break or realise that he has to man up and respect the distance (after all, he was the one to ask for it.) It seems counter-intuitive but those early weeks of NC really bring the break-up home to the dumper. Stay strong. It will give you some answers.
Author bubbly03 Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 I probably should have been more specific... I really don't actually agree that much with the break up, nor did it really see it as the "right" thing to do at the time. Basically I thought our relationship could have been worked on and still salvaged. Do you not think there is any hope at all of starting over or mending things? He always talked so futuristic about us and seemed excited about the relationship but suddendly it just stopped.
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