Not Healing--Close Door to "Future Friendship"? Been NC for 3 Months.

[Gossamer]

this...I hope people on here find this and read it. Thank you for putting it so beautifully and so succinctly.

 

 

Gossamer, you don't know what a battle I'm having with NC myself at the moment - it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I go for weeks, feel like I'm climbing out of the pit, and then fall back in. You've done three months! You're so much stronger than I am, stronger than so many people on these boards, even if you don't feel it.

 

We also have to remember that we're responsible for our own self-esteem, not our exes. If we want to feel bad about ourselves, its because we're allowing ourselves to. This has been a hard lesson for me and goes with the realisation that I have to work on myself now. Focussing on my ex, painting him black is not difficult; criticising his new relationship, or the way he treated me, is so easy it's becoming an obssession. Acknowledging what I did wrong, learning how to grow and become a more compassionate and less controlling person is a huge lesson for me. They say NC is all about you because it's not only a chance to rediscover your peace, but it's also the right time to poke around in those corners and clear out your own cobwebs. Take care of yourself now and work out what part you played, forgive yourself and look forward to growing. It's all in you. Take care. xxx

[Gossamer]

thank you for helping me weigh out the pros and cons. I'm sorry that the last communication you had with your ex was when you were in a less than good place.

 

I feel like, realistically, we're not in a good place. Short of being destructive, harassing, stalking, etc., I sometimes feel like most of us are a lot harder on ourselves when we're expressing our hurt and anger, than our exes are shortly after they dump us.

 

It sounds like you needed to get it out...though for you it feels like a high price, I wonder how it would be if you had not been honest and expressed your true hurt?

 

Thank you for sharing this. It makes me weigh the relief and closure I might feel against an unknown relapse...

 

It sounds like you have carried on though, despite feeling like you moved back a bit.

 

Like your handle "Movingthrough".

 

/Goss

 

 

First i will say that so many of us have gone through this, its not just you, it always helped me to hear that (i know others have said it).

 

I always say this but i think NC has to be done at certain times. When you say NC hasnt worked, its because you still have things on your mind, and while everyone will say "dont do it!", its so much easier said then done. The reality is, we have to get certain things off our chest, say certain things to really go NC - we have too. The problem lies in doing it in a mature and confident matter. IMO if you still "feel" like you need to say something, then nothing will stop you, just do it right.

 

On the other hand here is my story and it shows how in all honesty making contact will not serve the purpose you want (most likely).

 

Months after my breakup i started to feel guilt. I came to terms that i made mistakes in the relationship, and was really opening up more about what happened and what didnt happen in the relationship. For weeks i had this thought that i needed to contact her, i was not trying to talk to her and i knew i could handle writing a message.

 

I wrote up a very bland and straight forward message saying i wanted nothing in return but that i wanted to put some things out on the table now that everything had "died down", i wasnt apoligizing but as an adult i wanted to more or less own up to things. I sent it, and a week later she responds by text basically talking about something else that she thought i was talking about in the message, but that wasnt why i wrote it, so my vision on writing it wasnt even taken the right way. It was a weekend so i was doing a little drinking, i responded very politely and quick, something else came up and because of drinking and what she said striking a chord, i went off a little bit. Nothing more came of it and i wasnt hurt over it, the point is it just so happened i was drinking when she messaged back, in other words not the best time to be messaging. So just know that if you write him something, you dont know if he will respond, you dont know what he will say, it probably wont be good, and what if he responds during a bad day?

 

Most likely nothing will come out of it that you want to happen. Im not saying what i did was right, but i will say the guilt is gone, and im NC now because there is literally NOTHING else i could say to her - nothing. That makes NC really easy when everything has been exhausted, but as you can see in my situation....it also comes with a price.

[Simone84]

I canont stress enough that getting in contact with this guy in any shape or form - especially via a letter - is a bad, bad, BAD idea. If you feel terrible now, trust me, you will feel a million times worse if you send him a letter and get nothing back. If he's seeing someone now, then chances are that you WONT hear back. And even if you do get SOMETHING back, some sort of response good or bad - you'll still feel worse than you already do now because every time we have contact with our ex, it takes us right back to square one in some ways. Do you want to go back to square one? No.

 

The longer you can go no contact, the more likely he'll get in touch with you sooner or later for some reason. You posted your thoughts about my current ex situation last week - and thank you for that - but seriously, if you just leave it well alone, he'll contact you eventually. For whatever reason, even if it's just mere curiosity.

 

That's the thing with no contact - it's a win-win situation... For YOU. 1. It makes them curious why they havent heard from you, so they're more likely to contact you... and 2. in the meantime, by the time that happens, it's not really even a big deal to you anymore because it's just been too long and you don't care anymore.

 

Hopefully by that point you may even be seeing someone. Which means you'll care even LESS.

But i know what you mean about it being hard to hook up with other people - and the ones that do show interest are not the ones you find attractive at all. It sucks that way.

 

Just please i hope you take my advice - leave.it.alone. NO LETTER. It took my ex almost 6 months to contact me, but he did. Yours will too. Whether that's 6 months from now, or (more likely) sooner than that.

[Gossamer]

Simone84, wow, I feel like you just reached down from the sky and shook my shoulders like God would. Ok, I don't know if I believe in God, but I believe the truth and honesty and care people share on here is that sort of lightning bolt of insight/awareness that we need to help us snap out of depression/denial/rumination over unfinished business/nursing hurts and resentments. Or even worse, getting it stuck in our heads that we should continue chasing after them into infiniti and our own obliteration.

 

Your message really got to me. I needed the emphasis on "bad" ...and "BAD idea" and your other all caps.

 

I have a very, very good "forgetter" and "forgiver" while simultaneously wanting to punch the sh*t out of him.

 

On top of the train track dump, throughout our relationship he had given me a house key and insisted upon me storing my things at his place as I was running out of room. He kept wanting to help me pack boxes and bring them. I am not used to a guy wanting me to essentially move in over a period of time, and then 2 days later, seeing all my boxes and some gifts to him and things like cleaners I had used to clean his apartment and open box of cake flour, packed up and ready to go in his foyer. Of course, one internalizes this sight as it signifies what they are doing to you.

 

Of course, his dumping his ex-wife and having a contentious marriage and divorce, dumping his last ex, dumping me has nothing to do with someone running away from problems and not being able to be honest and work out problems.

 

D*ck.

 

Your ex, too.

 

thank you thank you thank you thank you

 

This is another post I need to laminate/print/hang on my walls, put under my pillow like a baby tooth for the breakup fairy to find and when I wake up I'll have discovered she sprinkled magic dust all over my room.

 

;-)

 

 

 

 

I canont stress enough that getting in contact with this guy in any shape or form - especially via a letter - is a bad, bad, BAD idea. If you feel terrible now, trust me, you will feel a million times worse if you send him a letter and get nothing back. If he's seeing someone now, then chances are that you WONT hear back. And even if you do get SOMETHING back, some sort of response good or bad - you'll still feel worse than you already do now because every time we have contact with our ex, it takes us right back to square one in some ways. Do you want to go back to square one? No.

 

The longer you can go no contact, the more likely he'll get in touch with you sooner or later for some reason. You posted your thoughts about my current ex situation last week - and thank you for that - but seriously, if you just leave it well alone, he'll contact you eventually. For whatever reason, even if it's just mere curiosity.

 

That's the thing with no contact - it's a win-win situation... For YOU. 1. It makes them curious why they havent heard from you, so they're more likely to contact you... and 2. in the meantime, by the time that happens, it's not really even a big deal to you anymore because it's just been too long and you don't care anymore.

 

Hopefully by that point you may even be seeing someone. Which means you'll care even LESS.

But i know what you mean about it being hard to hook up with other people - and the ones that do show interest are not the ones you find attractive at all. It sucks that way.

 

Just please i hope you take my advice - leave.it.alone. NO LETTER. It took my ex almost 6 months to contact me, but he did. Yours will too. Whether that's 6 months from now, or (more likely) sooner than that.

[Simone84]

Lol! Sorry i had to write it in caps but seriously, this **** just makes me mad. Because how you sound now, is how i sounded the first three months after my ex dumped me. Then somewhere halfway through month four... things started to change. Bit by bit. But they were definitely getting better. I just know exactly how you feel and i'm giving you this advice because i wish that i could have given myself the same advice just after he broke up with me - I AM BANKING ON HIM CONTACTING YOU, just give it a little while and be patient. And sorry about the caps again

 

Here's my theory... It's human nature. We want what we can't have. When we have it, we don't value it - especially if it's good to us. It's so f**ed up, but it really honestly is the truth. It's only when it's gone that you recognise its worth. The ironic thing is that after you get dumped, you feel like **** - but then gradually you get better. For the dumper - it's the opposite. Initially they probably feel nowhere near as bad as you, but gradually they actually start to feel worse and worse. And usually this is due to not hearing from you. Which is when they contact YOU.

 

Case in point - as you already know, my ex just contacted me. And you know what? It was a MASSIVE ego-boost. Do you want to be an ego-boost to your ex? No you don't.

 

It's a matter of time before you hear from this guy - they always come back in one way or another, sooner or later, wanting SOMETHING. So stick this up on your ceiling for each time you wake up in the morning: he'll come crawling back. And then YOU will say NOTHING. And that is called karma

[Gossamer]

I hadn't thought of the actual sending/mailing part...it's ingenious. I realize that I have a weird "ritualistic" streak wherein the act of "doing something" makes me feel "heard" or that something is "complete". But as I'm learning, that can be entirely incorrect, because it's just expecting too much when the breakup has already occurred.

 

Damn, thank you for helping to reroute some misfunctioning wiring in my brain that makes me think I still have a voice/impact in his life, even if just to say "I Can't Be Your Friend".

 

You remind me that it most likely would backfire to have contact.

 

Thank you for letting me "think about pulling the trigger" but to have the "safety on".

 

I do have...a definitely OCD streak though...so I could see myself going to the post office every day for the next 3 months...and mailing a letter to myself...hahahahah...dunno, maybe it'd be a cool art project...hee hee heee.

 

;-)

 

/Goss

 

 

 

Yes, write him an email. Put in it EVERYTHING you need to say, I mean EVERYTHING. All that is good and bad, without worrying about how it sounds or how he'll interpret it.

 

When you're done, send it to yourself. Read it every time you feel the need to communicate with him. Remind yourself what you were feeling.

 

Get it out, but NEVER let him know.

[MissMoni]

First off, congratulations on maintaining NC for 3 months!! That is quite the accomplishment!! I would say, though, if you feel like you aren't healing, you may not be ready to be friends. There's nothing wrong with that. It just means that you're human, and that being friends with someone you once loved is very hard.

[Gossamer]

Hi MissMoni

 

Thank you for your "congratulations" on NC for 3 months, and counting.

 

But like the title of the thread says, the point is that I want to close the door to friendship. Keeping the door open is what is causing me to not heal. I do not want to ever be friends now, as my original thread's title and the posts are helping me understand. My quandry is whether to write him a letter, or not, rescinding our agreement to remain friends, based on his not deserving it. Not because I am not not over him. It's because he was a d*ck and does not deserve my friendship. I agreed to be friends with him 3 months ago, but I am not healing because that door is still open.

 

Hope that makes sense and good luck in your own recovery and return to sanity. ;-)

 

/Goss

 

 

 

First off, congratulations on maintaining NC for 3 months!! That is quite the accomplishment!! I would say, though, if you feel like you aren't healing, you may not be ready to be friends. There's nothing wrong with that. It just means that you're human, and that being friends with someone you once loved is very hard.