Not Healing--Close Door to "Future Friendship"? Been NC for 3 Months.

[Gossamer]

Hi All.

 

It's been 6 months since he dumped me on a train track before a date, and I found myself waking up tonight, crying, and so, so angry. I still think about him daily, all the time, have been writing him a letter in my head these past 6 months, and I really want to send it and "call off" the "future friendship" he had extended, and I had agreed on, based on a beautiful, 6-page loving letter he mailed me around Thanksgiving.

 

Prior to his relationship with me, he had been in a marriage and contentious divorce, dated another woman 4 months later for 2 year before dumping her before they moved in together. A couple of months later, he met me, pursued me very hard. He is much younger than I am, and I pushed him away for many months, even citing his brief periods of being single in-between long-term relationships, but I think most people tend to be unable to tough out that kind of loneliness after breakups. We talked a lot about my doubts that he was ready for the kind of relationship he proposed, but 6 months in, he flew me to meet his parents. He was the most attentive, supportive man I'd ever met, and contributed so much to my life.

 

It's been discussed on here that the dumpers can "paint us black" when they want out. I don't deny that we had problems, but I was willing to work on them. He accused me, after he dumped me, of being "emotionally abusive" based on incidents that had happened nearly a year before, and incidents that he had told me made him respect me, because I had been honest with him. I admit that I have a critical streak, but where I'm stuck in getting over him and past the breakup is that he pulled out everything that wasn't working for him and how awful I was to him, as reasons for the way he broke up with me. He later told me that a lot of it was inconsequential, but then months later after a vacation and lots of GIG, he again told me that I was "emotionally abusive" when I diplomatically asked for some things back that I had loaned him while we were in a relationship.

 

After the breakup, he wrote me a beautiful 6-page letter, and after reading it, I felt a great deal of empathy and hope that in a year or more, we could be friends. I have several friendships, lifelong ones, out of failed romantic relationships, and while I don't hang out often with all my exes, I am proud of the work that was done on both sides. I'm a big believer in post-relationship friendships, and the wives/mates/girlfriends have met me, we hang out on occasion, it's a win-win for everyone, and I like being able to bump into some of the men I've dated and be able to warmly/enthusiastically greet and hug, without baggage, on the street. Then again, I'm an artist and the art world is very small, ex-lovers can become collaborators, and support for each other is important lest everyone starve alone.

 

My recent ex is a lawyer. Not an artist. I guess I was his tourist trip through the non-corporate life he wanted to experience. I warned him not to overly romanticize having an artist girlfriend, but as my therapist said, it's what he wanted to do.

 

I feel like I'm not healing because I left the door open to a future friendship, and it seems he's back again to feeling that I am emotionally abusive. I have not contacted him since Thanksgiving after I got his letter.

 

I woke up at 6am, crying, started moving furniture around to find the letter I had hidden behind an armoire, then got it out, folded it up intending to put it in an envelope and mail it, "vindicating" myself/standing up for myself, to explain why I was not emotionally abusive to him, and then to close the door, permanently, to any future friendship.

 

I can't stop thinking about communicating that I do not want a future friendship with him, that he has not made clear and proper amends, as the letter is only words.

 

I feel that my NC for 3 months, since Thanksgiving, isn't working in the sense that I haven't communicated that I have permanently closed the door on him. I don't like the feeling that he thinks he can contact me in future if/when he wants to.

 

I know he is dating, while I lapsed into depression and gained weight, which I am working off. I have a profile on a site which I have recently been visiting again and having chats on. A couple of guys have been in hot pursuit to meet, but I DO NOT FEEL ATTRACTIVE, not yet.

 

I feel that while the door is still open to friendship, I am stuck, in pain, struggling. I am in therapy and my therapist's concern is that if I contact him with a final toodle-oo, he'll respond, even if I tell him not to. And that that might be harder for me.

 

Please, some people on here have such blunt and rude advice as I've experienced some months ago. I'm really not looking for that right now. Thanks.

 

/Gossamer

[broken-and-lost]

Hi sorry for you pain i'm going through a tough breakup myself right now and i'm 5 months down the road but gone NC only a few weeks ago my ex has painted me black to the point i'm not sure who i am anymore. I wrote her loads to get things off my chest but nothing helped with the moving on you have to ask yourself what do you actually think it will achieve??? by going NC you are already telling him no friendship if you don't want me in your life as partner your not getting me in your life.

 

Writing a letter will do nothing but prolong your pain i know as it's what has happened to me as you'll just get a slap down and put yourself back, taken me 5 months to realise nothing you say to the other person helps only thing that helps is helping yourself by going on with your life and cutting them out of yours same way they did to you, it hurts but in most cases it's the only way

 

I'm looking to find balance in my life, i hope you can find some in your life

[Rose T]

Gossamer, I'm so sorry you're going through all this pain. You've done amazingly well with the three months NC and while I'm sure you feel frustrated that there's still a lot of hurt and anger there, just imagine how much worse it would have been if you hadn't maintained this dignified silence.

 

No-one says that NC is an easy option. It's not. It's a healthy option, and when the weeks and then months start to pass, it can feel straightforward, which is what it is, really. But it's not easy. It's not a cop-out, and it's not as passive an action as it looks. NC is about resisting the temptation to send one more email, letter, sms, FB post, instant message, voice-mail. I'm sure NC was a lot easier before we had all this technology, lol!!

 

We all have bad days and crappy weekends and relapses. But you are doing so, so well. You know exactly what you need to prioritise to move on - your own self-worth, which might involve getting into shape or a little make-over, if that floats your boat - to help get you in the right direction of feeling attractive again. This resonates a lot with me because I lost a LOT of self-esteem in my last break-up (and the tail end of the relationship) and only now am I starting to feel attractive again. I almost feel I'll need to shake off the winter too, to really get there, but it's a good, positive goal.

 

He doesn't deserve that letter. He doesn't deserve whatever he'd get out of it - because even if you want to communicate one thing, he'd been bound to see it as an ego-stroke, or evidence that you're not moving on, that he somehow really got to you. Don't give him the satisfaction, please. Burn the letter and close the chapter yourself. Focus on your art.

 

Personally speaking? I don't believe in friendships with exes, as all my exes have let me down in some way and I don't need friends like that. You said so yourself, the exes who were artists remained in your circle - well, lawyer guy doesn't need to. I think in this case, the healthiest option for you is to let go, completely, to move on now.

[Art_Critic]

The door is already closed.. you closed it but forgot to tell yourself.

 

We all have a least relationship in our lives that we have trouble letting go, I had one right after my step mom passed away, I lost my dog, and grandparents that year and a couple of other professional losses so when the relationship went in the tank I was tired of losing things that were important to me so I wouldn't let go.

 

You will get past this Gossamer.. give yourself time.. and please start dating other guys.

Finding another will put the nail in the coffin on that old relationship.

Edited February 26, 2011 by Art_Critic

[Gossamer]

Hi sorry for you pain i'm going through a tough breakup myself right now and i'm 5 months down the road but gone NC only a few weeks ago my ex has painted me black to the point i'm not sure who i am anymore. I wrote her loads to get things off my chest but nothing helped with the moving on you have to ask yourself what do you actually think it will achieve???

 

 

broken-and-lost, I'm so sorry that your ex has been painting you black. They seem to do it to justify avoiding their share of responsibility for the failures in the relationship. Just make sure you are taking inventory of your own side. It's tough, I know, but what I want to try to focus on.

 

by going NC you are already telling him no friendship if you don't want me in your life as partner your not getting me in your life.

 

Thank you. It's hard to think that is has any effect. But I have to keep remembering that NC may also have a subtle message.

 

Writing a letter will do nothing but prolong your pain i know as it's what has happened to me as you'll just get a slap down and put yourself back, taken me 5 months to realise nothing you say to the other person helps only thing that helps is helping yourself by going on with your life and cutting them out of yours same way they did to you, it hurts but in most cases it's the only way

 

Yes. This helps me to understand that writing/sending the letter to say "I don't want a future friendship, you're not good enough for it/you haven't earned it" would just be pointless.

 

I'm looking to find balance in my life, i hope you can find some in your life

 

Thank you. Your support means a lot to me. I treasure it. BTW: What are you doing specifically that, if anything, is helping you to find balance after your breakup?

 

/Goss

[Gossamer]

Gossamer, I'm so sorry you're going through all this pain. You've done amazingly well with the three months NC and while I'm sure you feel frustrated that there's still a lot of hurt and anger there, just imagine how much worse it would have been if you hadn't maintained this dignified silence.

 

Rose T, thank you for responding. It means a lot to me to have your support, and more, for reframing NC as a way to maintain "this dignified silence". I love that so much! Because this feels anything *but* dignified. Though I guess since we're the ones who are living in our own experience of loss, we don't see how strong we might appear to the dumper for NC.

 

No-one says that NC is an easy option. It's not. It's a healthy option, and when the weeks and then months start to pass, it can feel straightforward, which is what it is, really. But it's not easy. It's not a cop-out, and it's not as passive an action as it looks. NC is about resisting the temptation to send one more email, letter, sms, FB post, instant message, voice-mail. I'm sure NC was a lot easier before we had all this technology, lol!!

 

Yeah, the "ease" in the breakup seems to be the dumper's ease. Thank you for reminding me that, realistically, this *isn't* easy. Not if you were really invested. I think that's part of where my imagination keeps going, all the fun my ex is having, adventure, travel, romance, because of his lifestyle. And my process being a struggle to fall in love with myself and my life again. But as you say, it's a passive action. I need to remember this. It's actually very powerful. And empowering.

 

We all have bad days and crappy weekends and relapses. But you are doing so, so well.

 

Rose T, thank you so much for saying this. I need to hear it. Your words are great motivation.

 

You know exactly what you need to prioritise to move on - your own self-worth, which might involve getting into shape or a little make-over, if that floats your boat - to help get you in the right direction of feeling attractive again.

 

Yeah! I got out the flat iron yesterday that's been collecting dust doing just that, getting myself in a different headspace. Operation Pamper Gossamer! That's a significant, lifelong project!

 

This resonates a lot with me because I lost a LOT of self-esteem in my last break-up (and the tail end of the relationship) and only now am I starting to feel attractive again. I almost feel I'll need to shake off the winter too, to really get there, but it's a good, positive goal.

 

Yes, shaking off the winter *is* a good, positive goal, and I'm so so glad you're feeling attractive again. Your beautiful spirit shines through in your posts and words, so, I want what you have and am going to follow your path closely! Very motivating. ;-)

 

He doesn't deserve that letter. He doesn't deserve whatever he'd get out of it - because even if you want to communicate one thing, he'd been bound to see it as an ego-stroke, or evidence that you're not moving on, that he somehow really got to you. Don't give him the satisfaction, please. Burn the letter and close the chapter yourself. Focus on your art.

 

These words are the most important anyone's given me since the breakup. I need to frame this.

 

Personally speaking? I don't believe in friendships with exes, as all my exes have let me down in some way and I don't need friends like that. You said so yourself, the exes who were artists remained in your circle - well, lawyer guy doesn't need to. I think in this case, the healthiest option for you is to let go, completely, to move on now.

 

Hahahahah, Lawyer Guy. OMG. What a great, reductive strategy for dimishing his power. You have such great insight. Rose T, you're right, focus on my art, join a pro boxing gym, live in the sun more.

 

You are so lovely, my dear. I cherish everything you've written me. Thank you, thank you.

 

/Goss

[depplover_1980]

Hi Goss,

 

My advice is going to go a little against the grain here.

 

Now this could be one horrible low so it is easy to react against this emotional onslaught. I say if by next Sat you still feel that the letter needs to go then send it, but only if the following points are noted:

 

1. You're not expected a reply. No honestly, if deep down you want a reply and this is the true reason for sending then DO NOT SEND IT.

 

2. He may well reply negatively reaffirming his original ideas that you are the one to blame. If this won't bother you then send it, but if this will send you into another ferocious tornado of frustration then DO NOT SEND IT.

 

However if clearing your own conscience is greater than the potential come back then send. I recall you have mentioned this letter you've written before to me, so it has a sizable personal value in your head. Therefore my instinct (which is seldom wrong) also believes that this could elevate you to a further stage of closure. I think no contact is a very effective form of recovery, but often for it to work, you have to have truly exorcised yourself in an effective manner.

 

I'll speak further with you after your reply. x

[Rose T]

Gossamer, you don't know what a battle I'm having with NC myself at the moment - it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I go for weeks, feel like I'm climbing out of the pit, and then fall back in. You've done three months! You're so much stronger than I am, stronger than so many people on these boards, even if you don't feel it.

 

We also have to remember that we're responsible for our own self-esteem, not our exes. If we want to feel bad about ourselves, its because we're allowing ourselves to. This has been a hard lesson for me and goes with the realisation that I have to work on myself now. Focussing on my ex, painting him black is not difficult; criticising his new relationship, or the way he treated me, is so easy it's becoming an obssession. Acknowledging what I did wrong, learning how to grow and become a more compassionate and less controlling person is a huge lesson for me. They say NC is all about you because it's not only a chance to rediscover your peace, but it's also the right time to poke around in those corners and clear out your own cobwebs. Take care of yourself now and work out what part you played, forgive yourself and look forward to growing. It's all in you. Take care. xxx

[Gossamer]

The door is already closed.. you closed it but forgot to tell yourself.

 

I can't tell you how much I LOVE THIS. I don't feel like I've closed the door, but hey, if you tell me I forgot to tell myself I closed it, I have no choice but to believe you.

 

We all have a least relationship in our lives that we have trouble letting go, I had one right after my step mom passed away, I lost my dog, and grandparents that year and a couple of other professional losses so when the relationship went in the tank I was tired of losing things that were important to me so I wouldn't let go.

 

I'm sorry for your losses. It sounds like you have a great capacity for love and caring. It helps me to remember right now that having this capacity attracts better things for us. Thanks for that.

 

 

You will get past this Gossamer.. give yourself time.. and please start dating other guys.

Finding another will put the nail in the coffin on that old relationship.

 

Ugh. Dating other guys. I am back in NYC where it is so so so brutal for single women to find meaningful relationships. There are nearly 2 women for every man here. And the men know it. I am also just not attracted to anyone enough to meet with them for flirting or curiosity.

 

How the hell do I start becoming attracted to guys again?!!!???

 

I think about my ex constantly...we had amazing chemistry.

 

And isn't it selfish of me, the guys who want to meet me for a drink are guys I'm not interested in/attracted to.

 

I'm a hot mess.

 

But thank you for all you contribute.

 

I really do treasure your insights and support. You rawwwwwk Art Critic!!!!!

 

/Goss

[Gossamer]

Hi Goss,

 

My advice is going to go a little against the grain here.

 

Now this could be one horrible low so it is easy to react against this emotional onslaught. I say if by next Sat you still feel that the letter needs to go then send it, but only if the following points are noted:

 

1. You're not expected a reply. No honestly, if deep down you want a reply and this is the true reason for sending then DO NOT SEND IT.

 

2. He may well reply negatively reaffirming his original ideas that you are the one to blame. If this won't bother you then send it, but if this will send you into another ferocious tornado of frustration then DO NOT SEND IT.

 

However if clearing your own conscience is greater than the potential come back then send. I recall you have mentioned this letter you've written before to me, so it has a sizable personal value in your head. Therefore my instinct (which is seldom wrong) also believes that this could elevate you to a further stage of closure. I think no contact is a very effective form of recovery, but often for it to work, you have to have truly exorcised yourself in an effective manner.

 

I'll speak further with you after your reply.

 

x

 

 

 

Wow, you have given me a lot to consider. I want to further digest your proposal. There are things that I still "want" from him, and they range from him telling me he's madly in love and that I'm the biggest priority in his life, demonstrating that, and getting back together and working out our stuff, to him just absorbing what it is I have to say, and then leaving me alone so that I have the "upper hand"/power. Get to the be the one to express that he's not good enough for me.

 

At the moment, it's this and a lot else all tangled together, but it feels "physical" inside me now, to get it out, where before, it was all in my spirit/head.

 

I don't know if it's progress that my anger over feeling betrayed is now feeling like I have to get to the gym with my boxing gloves every day, but at least I'm getting "something" out of it. Maybe I am passing through the "just grief"?

 

I guess that's why it feels all tangled together. Moving in and out of these stages. It all just feels annoying.

 

Not to mention my intense sexual frustration...

 

...and I don't feel like shagging anyone else at any time soon...not in real life anyway...

 

You are amazingly insightful.

 

I will think on your proposal...you've created a very interesting exercise for me to consider.

 

I really want to thank you for being so insightful/providing a guideline here.

 

You're a bright, beautiful light on here.

 

/Goss

[depplover_1980]

Thank you very much, I am just gifted in seeing emotions, behaviours and can predict outcomes. Being here is helping me get stronger with this talent and I genuinely care. I think 80% of the posters on this section are kind loving people, who get lost and want to find a way back.

 

You definately need to weigh it up considerably however, as it's not just a matter of simply sending a letter - it has the potential of crushing any ground (no matter how small you feel) you've made, or offering you a ladder to a highly plain. Obviously that line upon initial inspection is so fine, but if you break it down into sections with the guidance questions and your own expansions - you may well find some closure you weren't expecting.

 

The sexual frustration is a difficult one to discuss. I personally can detach myself from the act; I've met guys for a date and then second date ended up screwing because I needed it and then find myself not interested. Over time I have become upfront about it. But a lot of women cannot do it so easily. But perhaps try it, but with safety provisions - I don't think it could make you feel too crap, at least not any worse than you currently feel. If anything it may offer relief and it's not unheard of to accidently hook up with someone you go on to really like!!

 

PM me on the main bit if you want any private view. x

[willpower]

Hi Goss,

 

My advice is going to go a little against the grain here.

 

Now this could be one horrible low so it is easy to react against this emotional onslaught. I say if by next Sat you still feel that the letter needs to go then send it, but only if the following points are noted:

 

1. You're not expected a reply. No honestly, if deep down you want a reply and this is the true reason for sending then DO NOT SEND IT.

 

2. He may well reply negatively reaffirming his original ideas that you are the one to blame. If this won't bother you then send it, but if this will send you into another ferocious tornado of frustration then DO NOT SEND IT.

 

However if clearing your own conscience is greater than the potential come back then send. I recall you have mentioned this letter you've written before to me, so it has a sizable personal value in your head. Therefore my instinct (which is seldom wrong) also believes that this could elevate you to a further stage of closure. I think no contact is a very effective form of recovery, but often for it to work, you have to have truly exorcised yourself in an effective manner.

 

I'll speak further with you after your reply. x

 

I love this post. I'm 5 months in (almost) and recently sent a letter of closure. It's surprising what effect it had. It did make me much better almost overnight but also brought a whole new round of grieving. That sounds weird but I felt the pain in my heart lessen a great deal although it was as if sending it made my subconscious actually realise she was gone for good which made me sad. Sad but with less pain, I can't explain it any better than that.

 

As for seeing other people, if you have no expectations then it's only a good thing really. Just don't expect to find your ex out there.

 

Your not alone, I'm still far from ok, think the best way out once you stop feeling physically I'll is to find a new person. Not easy if you chose well last time around. Honestly, and Id never actually do this, I have felt like there's no point going on many times in the past months. It's hard but if we get our heads down the pain can help us achieve great things. I've run personal bests on the track (that's my sport) and my business revenue has grown every month since she left. None of that makes me feel significantly better right now but I know when I'm better I'll be proud of myself.

 

I just think "I'm in the eye of the storm right now, I can't trust my emotions but if I just keep pushing for the things that were important to me before this happened I'm not going too far off a good path"

Edited March 2, 2011 by willpower

[depplover_1980]

Great support Willpower. After my last major breakup I took 6 months to even date casually and a good year before I felt happy within myself, when I was truly free from the grief.

 

You have to hit the ground running, be persistant and don't give up any longer than a couple of days (it is fine to fall down at times). Eventually you will love again and you'll find yourself with more to offer. Aim to be richer in ways that are important to you whether that be wealth, sport, psychologically, family etc.

[Gossamer]

I love this post. I'm 5 months in (almost) and recently sent a letter of closure. It's surprising what effect it had. It did make me much better almost overnight but also brought a whole new round of grieving. That sounds weird but I felt the pain in my heart lessen a great deal although it was as if sending it made my subconscious actually realise she was gone for good which made me sad. Sad but with less pain, I can't explain it any better than that.

 

As for seeing other people, if you have no expectations then it's only a good thing really. Just don't expect to find your ex out there.

 

Your not alone, I'm still far from ok, think the best way out once you stop feeling physically I'll is to find a new person. Not easy if you chose well last time around. Honestly, and Id never actually do this, I have felt like there's no point going on many times in the past months. It's hard but if we get our heads down the pain can help us achieve great things. I've run personal bests on the track (that's my sport) and my business revenue has grown every month since she left. None of that makes me feel significantly better right now but I know when I'm better I'll be proud of myself.

 

I just think "I'm in the eye of the storm right now, I can't trust my emotions but if I just keep pushing for the things that were important to me before this happened I'm not going too far off a good path"

 

 

 

Willpower, I'll need to read this a few times as it's after midnight. But the exact repurcussions you cite, another wave of grief, is what holds me back from writing the "I rescind my friendship-in-future agreement with list of reasons" letter.

 

I am really of 2 minds, 24/7, listening to advice to just let go and leave the door shut, go NC "no matter what".

 

And then the other part of me that wants him to know that he doesn't deserve my good faith, care, thoughts anymore.

 

The problem I'm having at present is that tomorrow I'm going to a panel for artists, and he belongs to the organization as a business member helping artists.

 

I need to utilize the services of the organization, but I fear running into him with or without a "date", but especially the latter as there are many mix-and-mingles the organization sponsors.

 

He hasn't maintained any real friendships with his past partners in his post-college life, and I am the third in line to be dumped, so, I have declared him to be "serial dumper" and don't feel that he's even capable of reaching out to me in friendship, based on his past "moving on quickly" from other long-ish-term relationships.

 

I probably wouldn't be obssessing over shutting down his too-easy-friend-in-me assumptions quite as much if not for the organization in which we both have vested interest.

 

This is all I can write for tonight, but I really thank you so much for coming to my thread and sharing your proactive form of closure, the aftermath, and your generosity of spirit.

 

You come across as being a really wonderful man, I am presuming...and I look forward to more dialogue on going NC or a letter explaining why he hasn't earned a future friendship.

 

Thank you. And a sleepy goodnight from NYC...

 

/Goss

[Gossamer]

You make me smile and feel so eager/inspired to be the strong, feisty, independent woman I was before the breakup. I've lost that feeling over the last 6 months, and am grieving that loss, too. But your words remind me and others that we can recover our free and feisty spirits. And gain even more amazingness, if that was even possible. You rawwk!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Great support Willpower. After my last major breakup I took 6 months to even date casually and a good year before I felt happy within myself, when I was truly free from the grief.

 

You have to hit the ground running, be persistant and don't give up any longer than a couple of days (it is fine to fall down at times). Eventually you will love again and you'll find yourself with more to offer. Aim to be richer in ways that are important to you whether that be wealth, sport, psychologically, family etc.

[Rose T]

I just think "I'm in the eye of the storm right now, I can't trust my emotions but if I just keep pushing for the things that were important to me before this happened I'm not going too far off a good path"

 

 

I love this idea and it's something I've been trying to do myself, telling my heart that my head's going to take over for a while, that it's for the best, and that it will all make sense soon. I've never been through a break-up like this most recent one and just when I think I'm getting better I find there's a whole layer of healing to get through.

 

I was recently in touch with my ex, against my better judgment, as he asked me to meet up, so I went on IM to give a reply. He cheated and put me through a whole world of pain, but I found myself saying to him, 'Iwanted you to know, I also take responsability for the fact that we failed and I know I wasn't always an easy person to go out with'. It floored him and really helped me get to the next level of healing. I wasn't condoning his actions but it helped me get out of victim mode and see the relationship for the five year "story" that it was, not just the last six nightmare months.

 

Communicating that with him did make me feel better and then worse, as contact always does. But it's another important step for me and I felt I also earned some respect back.

[Gossamer]

Hi all.

 

I've really needed and appreciate and respect all your input. Even in the days since I posted my dillemma about my never-ending rumination about communicating to my ex that I'd made a mistake by leaving the door open to future friendship, I'm feeling like I've made some tiny caterpillar steps toward letting go.

 

I can't say I'll be in this place next week, though, as for me, it's been a confusing and painful one step forward, 2 steps back process.

 

This is such a weird, weird process. One week I'm awake at 5am and crying and shoving furniture around my place trying to find his "let's be friends" letter, not even knowing exactly what to do with it except stick it in an envelope back to him with a letter of my own outlining the 20 reasons why he is an Epic Fail at any sort of friendship he'd proposed.

 

I am coming to realize mostly my ex is still very young, there was a large age difference, and I pushed him away for months because of it. Aside from his emotional immaturity, he was self-injuring before he met me.

 

I have been beating myself up over his accusations that I was horrible and deserved his vindictive and cruel dump, but it's more and more clear to me that he was very, very good at "hiding" his immaturity, self-injury and emotional dysregulation.

 

All the horrible things my ex accused me of after he broke up with me, ie, emotional abuse, I have conveyed to him already that they were projections. He agreed that this was true to an extent.

 

At this moment...but I know it can change...I am of the opinion that his not hearing from me is "worse" for his conscience than giving him something to hate me more for, ie, telling him I don't want to hear from him again.

 

But then what is best for *me* to do?

 

It's been a bit over 3 very, very, very hard months of NC, ruminating about him constantly, trying to understand his erratic and dramatic behavior.

 

Overall...this has been a decent week...compared to the one I was having when I posted.

 

I have some more questions...for all of you who have been responding to my post...

 

Thanks everyone...for not only letting me freely self-express out this confusion...but for pointing me in healthier directions.

 

I could not be doing this without you guys...nope.

 

Peace.

 

/Goss

 

 

 

 

Hi All.

 

It's been 6 months since he dumped me on a train track before a date, and I found myself waking up tonight, crying, and so, so angry. I still think about him daily, all the time, have been writing him a letter in my head these past 6 months, and I really want to send it and "call off" the "future friendship" he had extended, and I had agreed on, based on a beautiful, 6-page loving letter he mailed me around Thanksgiving.

 

Prior to his relationship with me, he had been in a marriage and contentious divorce, dated another woman 4 months later for 2 year before dumping her before they moved in together. A couple of months later, he met me, pursued me very hard. He is much younger than I am, and I pushed him away for many months, even citing his brief periods of being single in-between long-term relationships, but I think most people tend to be unable to tough out that kind of loneliness after breakups. We talked a lot about my doubts that he was ready for the kind of relationship he proposed, but 6 months in, he flew me to meet his parents. He was the most attentive, supportive man I'd ever met, and contributed so much to my life.

 

It's been discussed on here that the dumpers can "paint us black" when they want out. I don't deny that we had problems, but I was willing to work on them. He accused me, after he dumped me, of being "emotionally abusive" based on incidents that had happened nearly a year before, and incidents that he had told me made him respect me, because I had been honest with him. I admit that I have a critical streak, but where I'm stuck in getting over him and past the breakup is that he pulled out everything that wasn't working for him and how awful I was to him, as reasons for the way he broke up with me. He later told me that a lot of it was inconsequential, but then months later after a vacation and lots of GIG, he again told me that I was "emotionally abusive" when I diplomatically asked for some things back that I had loaned him while we were in a relationship.

 

After the breakup, he wrote me a beautiful 6-page letter, and after reading it, I felt a great deal of empathy and hope that in a year or more, we could be friends. I have several friendships, lifelong ones, out of failed romantic relationships, and while I don't hang out often with all my exes, I am proud of the work that was done on both sides. I'm a big believer in post-relationship friendships, and the wives/mates/girlfriends have met me, we hang out on occasion, it's a win-win for everyone, and I like being able to bump into some of the men I've dated and be able to warmly/enthusiastically greet and hug, without baggage, on the street. Then again, I'm an artist and the art world is very small, ex-lovers can become collaborators, and support for each other is important lest everyone starve alone.

 

My recent ex is a lawyer. Not an artist. I guess I was his tourist trip through the non-corporate life he wanted to experience. I warned him not to overly romanticize having an artist girlfriend, but as my therapist said, it's what he wanted to do.

 

I feel like I'm not healing because I left the door open to a future friendship, and it seems he's back again to feeling that I am emotionally abusive. I have not contacted him since Thanksgiving after I got his letter.

 

I woke up at 6am, crying, started moving furniture around to find the letter I had hidden behind an armoire, then got it out, folded it up intending to put it in an envelope and mail it, "vindicating" myself/standing up for myself, to explain why I was not emotionally abusive to him, and then to close the door, permanently, to any future friendship.

 

I can't stop thinking about communicating that I do not want a future friendship with him, that he has not made clear and proper amends, as the letter is only words.

 

I feel that my NC for 3 months, since Thanksgiving, isn't working in the sense that I haven't communicated that I have permanently closed the door on him. I don't like the feeling that he thinks he can contact me in future if/when he wants to.

 

I know he is dating, while I lapsed into depression and gained weight, which I am working off. I have a profile on a site which I have recently been visiting again and having chats on. A couple of guys have been in hot pursuit to meet, but I DO NOT FEEL ATTRACTIVE, not yet.

 

I feel that while the door is still open to friendship, I am stuck, in pain, struggling. I am in therapy and my therapist's concern is that if I contact him with a final toodle-oo, he'll respond, even if I tell him not to. And that that might be harder for me.

 

Please, some people on here have such blunt and rude advice as I've experienced some months ago. I'm really not looking for that right now. Thanks.

 

/Gossamer

[depplover_1980]

This is positive and realistic at the same time Goss. Projection of behaviour is an awful thing to recieve and wow it really does do what it says on the tin, leading the unlucky reciever to actually question their own sanity. It is this very self questioning that has extended your recovery time because the break up caused so much confusion.

 

Had you been lucky enough to have a cleaner break, I am very confident you'd be more 2 steps forward, minus the 1 backward. But hey ho, what is placed in our path IS placed in our path...

 

What are your further questions?

[Gossamer]

depp, yeah, thanks for that. It was the most cruel/abrupt one I've ever experienced. I have to keep remembering that my extended period of not being interested in dating at all, not being ready to "get back out there", and still feeling crap (though not as intensely or as often) is because it wasn't a respectful/mature breakup.

 

Well, depp, one question I have is if Willpower was agreeing to a future friendship with his ex, and then changed his mind, then sent the closure/NC letter. I wasn't clear on whether this was a clean break letter without a future friendship agreement, or like in my case, the future friendship had been agreed upon, and then nothing, from the ex, to back that up.

 

But I'd like to hear from everyone and anyone...of course...and I think will tap Willpower on his post...

 

Thank you depp...

 

/Goss

 

 

This is positive and realistic at the same time Goss. Projection of behaviour is an awful thing to recieve and wow it really does do what it says on the tin, leading the unlucky reciever to actually question their own sanity. It is this very self questioning that has extended your recovery time because the break up caused so much confusion.

 

Had you been lucky enough to have a cleaner break, I am very confident you'd be more 2 steps forward, minus the 1 backward. But hey ho, what is placed in our path IS placed in our path...

 

What are your further questions?

[Gossamer]

I so appreciate your response. I replied to it a couple of days ago, but have been formulating a question to you, one in which I hope you wouldn't mind sharing a further response.

 

I wanted to know, as regards your final termination of communication with your ex, were you agreeing to a future friendship with your ex? Or was it more a "I need a clean break" letter after your breakup.

 

The reason I'm asking about the distinction is because I think many of us jump at the chance for friendship, as I did, and then when it's obvious that our exes are not backing up their words, we dumpees feel "doubly played".

 

willpower, did you have an exchange with your ex in which you felt like friendship would be possible, and you both agreed to it. Then changed your mind and sent the closure/NC letter based on understanding that your ex just wasn't going to "make good" on her words of friendship?

 

Either or in any way your letter was motivated, I was wondering if you could share its basic theme.

 

Also, I am writing 12 different letters in my head...ranging from factual and brief, to emotionally generous, but firm on permanent NC.

 

Thank you once again for your contribution to this thread.

 

/Goss

 

 

 

 

I love this post. I'm 5 months in (almost) and recently sent a letter of closure. It's surprising what effect it had. It did make me much better almost overnight but also brought a whole new round of grieving. That sounds weird but I felt the pain in my heart lessen a great deal although it was as if sending it made my subconscious actually realise she was gone for good which made me sad. Sad but with less pain, I can't explain it any better than that.

 

As for seeing other people, if you have no expectations then it's only a good thing really. Just don't expect to find your ex out there.

 

Your not alone, I'm still far from ok, think the best way out once you stop feeling physically I'll is to find a new person. Not easy if you chose well last time around. Honestly, and Id never actually do this, I have felt like there's no point going on many times in the past months. It's hard but if we get our heads down the pain can help us achieve great things. I've run personal bests on the track (that's my sport) and my business revenue has grown every month since she left. None of that makes me feel significantly better right now but I know when I'm better I'll be proud of myself.

 

I just think "I'm in the eye of the storm right now, I can't trust my emotions but if I just keep pushing for the things that were important to me before this happened I'm not going too far off a good path"

[PurpleReign]

Yes, write him an email. Put in it EVERYTHING you need to say, I mean EVERYTHING. All that is good and bad, without worrying about how it sounds or how he'll interpret it.

 

When you're done, send it to yourself. Read it every time you feel the need to communicate with him. Remind yourself what you were feeling.

 

Get it out, but NEVER let him know.

[depplover_1980]

Gossamer feel free to PM me if you need any eyes over the letter/emails. It probably won't surprise you but I am really good at writing such things, I have obliterated ex-boyfriends with the power of the written word. I walked away dusting my hands together knowing they had really been told what bastards they truly were, but in a concise articulate manner - I am descriptive regarding their psychological character flaws! I always have to do it for closure personally.

[Movingthrough]

I feel that my NC for 3 months, since Thanksgiving, isn't working in the sense that I haven't communicated that I have permanently closed the door on him. I don't like the feeling that he thinks he can contact me in future if/when he wants to.

 

First i will say that so many of us have gone through this, its not just you, it always helped me to hear that (i know others have said it).

 

I always say this but i think NC has to be done at certain times. When you say NC hasnt worked, its because you still have things on your mind, and while everyone will say "dont do it!", its so much easier said then done. The reality is, we have to get certain things off our chest, say certain things to really go NC - we have too. The problem lies in doing it in a mature and confident matter. IMO if you still "feel" like you need to say something, then nothing will stop you, just do it right.

 

On the other hand here is my story and it shows how in all honesty making contact will not serve the purpose you want (most likely).

 

Months after my breakup i started to feel guilt. I came to terms that i made mistakes in the relationship, and was really opening up more about what happened and what didnt happen in the relationship. For weeks i had this thought that i needed to contact her, i was not trying to talk to her and i knew i could handle writing a message.

 

I wrote up a very bland and straight forward message saying i wanted nothing in return but that i wanted to put some things out on the table now that everything had "died down", i wasnt apoligizing but as an adult i wanted to more or less own up to things. I sent it, and a week later she responds by text basically talking about something else that she thought i was talking about in the message, but that wasnt why i wrote it, so my vision on writing it wasnt even taken the right way. It was a weekend so i was doing a little drinking, i responded very politely and quick, something else came up and because of drinking and what she said striking a chord, i went off a little bit. Nothing more came of it and i wasnt hurt over it, the point is it just so happened i was drinking when she messaged back, in other words not the best time to be messaging. So just know that if you write him something, you dont know if he will respond, you dont know what he will say, it probably wont be good, and what if he responds during a bad day?

 

Most likely nothing will come out of it that you want to happen. Im not saying what i did was right, but i will say the guilt is gone, and im NC now because there is literally NOTHING else i could say to her - nothing. That makes NC really easy when everything has been exhausted, but as you can see in my situation....it also comes with a price.

Edited March 6, 2011 by Movingthrough

[Gossamer]

Thank you very much, I am just gifted in seeing emotions, behaviours and can predict outcomes. Being here is helping me get stronger with this talent and I genuinely care. I think 80% of the posters on this section are kind loving people, who get lost and want to find a way back.

 

Yes. *And* you love Depp, so the world's priorities are even more sorted and clear.

 

;-p

 

 

You definately need to weigh it up considerably however, as it's not just a matter of simply sending a letter - it has the potential of crushing any ground (no matter how small you feel) you've made, or offering you a ladder to a highly plain.

 

Thank you...I think this is the bit of caution that I really need to keep heeding when I'm feeling the opposite. Like I just want to take it all back...my last honest but diplomatic letter leaving the door open to friendship when our last exchanges after he read it were that he would get back to me and never did.

 

 

Obviously that line upon initial inspection is so fine, but if you break it down into sections with the guidance questions and your own expansions - you may well find some closure you weren't expecting.

 

Yeah, I'll go back to this part...

 

The sexual frustration is a difficult one to discuss. I personally can detach myself from the act; I've met guys for a date and then second date ended up screwing because I needed it and then find myself not interested.

 

I appreciate that. I've gone through more than one period in my life in which I was in rebound mode, but had the wherewithall to choose partners who weren't interested in relationships. Now I'm recharging the metaphorical and drugstore batteries and there isn't a wedding in sight for me to get drunk and flingish at. But I'm in a space right now in which I feel like the universe will provide.

 

Last week the universe decided that I should try to focus on other things. I am broke right now and a personal coach through some acquaintances approached me and offered me a month of free coaching.

 

My goal for this month is taking out my sexual and other frustrations/angers out on the punching bag...and to stop procrastinating about continuing my boxing training. I felt really blessed that something powerful arrived, not what I "wanted" but that I think can go a long way toward "rewiring" my upset brain.

 

Over time I have become upfront about it. But a lot of women cannot do it so easily. But perhaps try it, but with safety provisions - I don't think it could make you feel too crap, at least not any worse than you currently feel. If anything it may offer relief and it's not unheard of to accidently hook up with someone you go on to really like!!

 

Yes, that's very true...responsibly exercising our freedoms of choice, sexually, is healthier than denying we are sexual beings.

 

PM me on the main bit if you want any private view. x

 

Thank you...I would really like to take you up on this...

[Gossamer]

Rose T, what you write below about another whole layer of healing to get through is very true. But it does sound like your process is "healing", even if it doesn't make sense. I'm also glad that you were able to be in a place of strength and healing where you were able to communicate with your ex beyond what you call the "story" of the last 6 months. The apology sounds like you really shifted into a place of removing yourself as the victim...not that you deserve what happened. Only that 2 partners have contributions, not necessarily equal, when a relationship has inevitable problems. It makes me really happy to hear...that's very strong. Thank you for sharing that. I needed to hear it.

 

 

I love this idea and it's something I've been trying to do myself, telling my heart that my head's going to take over for a while, that it's for the best, and that it will all make sense soon. I've never been through a break-up like this most recent one and just when I think I'm getting better I find there's a whole layer of healing to get through.

 

I was recently in touch with my ex, against my better judgment, as he asked me to meet up, so I went on IM to give a reply. He cheated and put me through a whole world of pain, but I found myself saying to him, 'Iwanted you to know, I also take responsability for the fact that we failed and I know I wasn't always an easy person to go out with'. It floored him and really helped me get to the next level of healing. I wasn't condoning his actions but it helped me get out of victim mode and see the relationship for the five year "story" that it was, not just the last six nightmare months.

 

Communicating that with him did make me feel better and then worse, as contact always does. But it's another important step for me and I felt I also earned some respect back.