wmrjw82 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 For those who don't know....here's my breakup story which occured Jan 14th, the day after my birthday: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t263936/ Today, as i'm writing this marks 1 month of NC for me. I wanted to just write out my feelings on this occassion and mark my thoughts. She did make contact on Feb 9th w/ 2 txts saying she was "praying for me" in regards to custody but I never replied thanks to the advice of LS.... Anyways, i'm still hurt beyond belief. Beyond words. I know alot of you can't understand that based on my story but I have a core belief that deep down my ex is a good person and I know she went thru pain in her own way. I think her pain was realizing that she wasn't ready for a family and knew I wasn't the one for her. I want to forgive her. I want to say I can be friends w/ her. I can't though. I'M SO ****ING HURT THAT SHE LET ME AND MY SON GO. Alot of you dont understand that I still see her good side but she was around for so many of my son's "firsts" and he even went thru a life threatening spinal surgery this past October and she was there for me and him throughout the whole process. She was there for his first words, the first time he stood up, the first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Xmas... it pains me that she is gone and could go through all that and still let go. Ive been through a tramatic emotion filled custody battle over the past year and she was always my rock. I asked too much of her. And we went too fast for just a 6 month relationship. We shouldn't have went so fast. So many regrets. So many what if's. Not a day goes by that I dont think of her or dream of her. Ive stuck the course though and will continue to do so. Any attempt by me to make contact or to say thank you to her for being there for so much will just seem like some attempt to get her back. Sometimes I feel so confused. So lost. Did I do everything I could have? Did I say too much after the breakup or not enough? But in reality it all comes down to the fact that if you truly love someone you dont walk away. In reality, she's not missing me. In reality her feelings are gone. And i'm stuck here waiting for time to heal me and for myself to move on without her. It goes slow and i'm getting better but it's so damn hard to act like everything is okay when its not. It WAS real love. But you can't MAKE anyone love YOU. I want her to beg for me back. I want her to say how sorry she is and that she's just lost. But it's not going to come and i'm slowly coming to terms with that. One day I will look back on her with a smile but I SOOOO wanted her to be the female figure in my son's life. She truly was amazing with him. I must stay the course. I must continue on and act like i'm above all this in her eyes but the heartbreak truly burns. How could she? I want to put the blame on something or someone whether it be myself, her, God, whatever. What's the use though? It doesn't change anything. It doesn't make her want me. It doesn't make our love come back. Nothing but time heals this. I know alot of you out there have been thru alot worse and for that I thank you for reading. It's all random thoughts right now and alot of it has been said already. I just needed to get it out. Thanks for being an outlet for me. LS makes it so that I dont drive those close to me insane with questions and my feelings. I will continue to post random things sometimes and i know i'll have good and bad days. And i know as times goes on that feeling I have for her will fade. I just dont want it to. My whole thought process feels like a big contradiction. Thanks for reading.
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