ally21 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 I recently ended a two-year relationship with my ex fiance, Josh. It was a very complicated and toxic relationship. We both were abandoned by our parents when we were young, so we both have a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. - In the beginning, Josh was just a rebound for another ex that I had been together with for over a year, Jason. Over the course of Josh and I's relationship, I realized I needed to get over Jason so I broke up with Josh. At first I was okay with our break up, but I messed up and started seeing Jason again. Jason and I finally ended things, and I was able to let him go. I still loved Josh very much, so when he started messaging me about how much he missed me after a month, I decided to go back to him. After a week of being back together, he broke up with me. I realized he had only done it to take back the control he had lost when I broke up with him. The rejection it made me feel was almost unbearable, and I began to fight like no other to get him to want me back. One day, I actually went to his house and read him a letter explaining everything. We got back together, but it was on his terms - all under his control. He even started testing me from the very beginning of how much he could get away with. He took advantage every day of how much he knew I felt guilty for breaking up with him. He would start only wanting to be around me when he could use things like my vehicle, or for sex. He also had become very emotionally abusive. He would go through cycles of pure meanness, and then be extremely sweet. I know that abusers - especially emotional abusers are terrified of their significant others leaving them, so they will do everything in their power to make their significant other feel unworthy, so they will never leave. He knew all of my demons, and he knew exactly how to manipulate and control me. He was no longer the fun, loving, and caring guy that I had dated before. I held on to the hope for so long that he would come back. Eventually, Josh proposed to me, and I didn't hesitate to turn him down. I asked him why he loved me, and he could not name a single thing. I finally broke. I ended up breaking up with him, and he had agreed that it was probably for the better. He kept saying he knew he could not treat me the way he was, and he didn't know why he did it. Right before we were going to say goodbye, he did what I had secretly hoped for, and asked that we have a break instead - he didn't want to break up. Well, my hopes were that I could control him, and that he wanted the "break" to prove he wanted to make things work. Looking back, I realize now that he only wanted the break to regain control of me breaking up with him, yet again. We have been broken up for about two months now. Because of my own control/abandonment issues, I have found it very hard to let him go, even though I dumped him. I realize that I never wanted us to be over, I had simply wanted to control/change his abusive behavior. I had hoped that me leaving would make him want to change. - On some level, I know that this is not right, and the only thing that make a person change is themselves. We both go to school, and live right across the street from each other. We had broken up over Christmas break, and upon coming back to school, it was very hard to see him. I honestly expected him to give a crap less about me, and the break up since during our relationship, I felt like I never made him happy, and he never wanted to be around me unless he was using me. I came to find out that he had started doing drugs and drinking very heavily, and hadn't gone to any of his classes. It surprised me very much, and played into that devil of hope that he would come around. We fell back into bed together, which has been a huge downfall of mine. I love his love. - Afterward, we had a talk about our relationship, and he told me that he doesn't care about me anymore like he should. He doesn't love me, and I don't mean anything to him. It really hurt to hear that after we had just slept together. Control. -- Facebook is a huge problem for relationships/break ups. I find myself checking his stuff frequently, and know he does mine as well. He will post things like our songs and hate music trying to tell me he doesn't care about me. He hangs out with another ex of mine, knowing how bad that ex had hurt me; hoping for control again. He also has put his cell number all over his FB as if begging for me to contact him. I have had NC for about a week now, but I did have to see him at dinner over this week. I didn't look at him, but my friends told me he could not keep his eyes off of me. I guess I am just having a hard time understanding. I understand the issues of control better than ever, now. I am no longer in the depression stage of grief, and have done a lot for myself. I love my friends, and I have recently got a new job. I am going to Italy in the summer, and am looking at all of the positives, and I have started seeing a counselor for the control/abandonment issues.. yet, I still am clinging onto that hope that one day I will have a message in my inbox from him. =/ I miss him dearly, but I have come to realize that I miss the Dr. Jekyll side, not Mr. Hyde. I realize what NC is all about - empowering yourself - but is it possible that NC will just push him away further? This is NOT what I want, at all. I know we both love each other dearly, we just need to stop trying to control each other and push each other away, because that is the last thing we truly want. I am just scared that truly letting him go - he will be gone forever, even though his actions blatantly show he still loves me.
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