Losing someone due to insecurities, is it possible they created them?

[turokturok5]

I've been thinking about it quite a bit since i learnt that i was actually dumped for being too clingy/needy and not actually for the reasons i assumed. I look back now and figured it was my fault with being insecure with myself, i always told her i was lucky to have her, she was too good for me and that i worried sometimes because i was afraid of losing her, she told me it was fine and that i wouldnt lose her. She eventually got sick of it and broke up with me, im lucky she let me down easily, but i just think it was a bit unfair that she didnt let me know that my insecurities was pushing her away, if i would've known this i could've made it better.

 

So i've pretty much pinned the blame on myself. But when i look back to my previous relationship, which lasted 8 months, with a girl who was mourmon, 16 year old and wasnt meant to have a boyfriend, i had no insecurities with her at all. She would call me, send me pictures of herself writing things like i love you on her hand and she just made me feel loved, i never once thought about her breaking up with me. And it was a lot different, she made sacrifices to be with me, lied about where she was going so her parents wouldn't suspect anything.

 

My first girlfriend didnt have a phone, so we could only contact eachother over Myspace, or through her sisters phone and i didnt have a car so it was difficult for us to meet up, although i did see her at school. My latest girlfriend had a phone, her parents were fine with us dating and they liked me, i had a car, so i could see her whenever we wanted to and she didnt live very far away from me. The problem was though, she never called me, rarely texted me and when she did she would take ages to reply, she used her family as an excuse so i couldn't go see her despite the fact that i had met them numerous times and got along well with them, she wouldnt organise things for us to do, it would always be me, it was very difficult for me to tell her i loved her, i never could do it because it just didnt seem as if she felt the same (little things such as not doing posting love hearts on facebook or w/e when i would do it) and when i asked her to organise something it would be with a group and not just together and she was too scared to kiss me or hold me or anything in front of friends let alone people we didnt know, so i started to feel insecure with the relationship and worry about losing her, which in turn labelled me as clingy and she dumped me.

 

My point is, i've thought of myself as an insecure person now and blame myself for losing someone i really cared about, i keep thinking if i can show her how i've changed, and that im not insecure anymore then maybe she'll take me back, but is it really necessary, could she be the cause of why i became insecure, i mean i did like her for a long time, about 6 months to be exact and i finally got to know her, exept this was the exact same case with my first girlfriend. The only differences were my first girlfriend had other boyfriends before me, only lasting about a month though (we were 16) My second girlfriend (we were moving into adulthood, both 17 turning 18) had never had a boyfriend before and never really did communicate well with other guys, she was a shy person. And the fact that it was a lot easier to be dating my second girlfriend than it was with the first, so was it really my fault for the insecurities, do i actually need to change?

Edited February 26, 2011 by turokturok5

[D78]

Did she do something to purposely make you insecure? You were insecure, but your post doesn't explain what she may have done to cause you to feel that way.

[turokturok5]

Did she do something to purposely make you insecure? You were insecure, but your post doesn't explain what she may have done to cause you to feel that way.

 

"The problem was though, she never called me, rarely texted me and when she did she would take ages to reply, she used her family as an excuse so i couldn't go see her despite the fact that i had met them numerous times and got along well with them, she wouldnt organise things for us to do, it would always be me, it was very difficult for me to tell her i loved her, i never could do it because it just didnt seem as if she felt the same (little things such as not doing posting love hearts on facebook or w/e when i would do it) and when i asked her to organise something it would be with a group and not just together and she was too scared to kiss me or hold me or anything in front of friends let alone people we didnt know, so i started to feel insecure with the relationship and worry about losing her, also on two occasions which really got me thinking ; One, i was invited to a party, i invited her, but the host said she may not be able to go, so i said to her i was willing to just go to the movies with her or something instead, she said she couldnt go to the movies because her parents say she goes out too much, yet she ended up going to the party. My mate organised a movie night, it was likely that it wasnt going to happen so i said to her if it doesnt happen me and you should go out somewhere, she says she couldnt be bothered going anywhere after work, yet she goes to the movie night. This made me really think does she actually want to be with me?

[D78]

I'm sorry she sent you all those mixed signals. I can understand why you were frustrated with her. It seems like she just wasn't the right girl for you. Your two other relationships seem good compared to this one. I wouldn't blame yourself; it's probably just a chemistry thing.

 

Also, never ever say things like "I'm too good for you." It's great to feel that your SO is so great that you can't believe how much you lucked out when you met her. Just don't say it out loud.

 

Think of it from her perspective. When you say things like that, in my experience, girls hear "You were so wrong when you decided to go out with me. I mean, look at me (or at least all the negative qualities I possess) and look at you (in an unrealistically positive light, flawless). You should not be with me. You should be smart enough to know that. Why are you so dumb?" If you say these things enough, you will push her away.

 

Instead, you could say things like "You're so great" or "I really love spending time with you." Try to find ways to express your feelings that don't suggest anything negative about you or her. And by her, I mean your next girlfriend, who no doubt will treat you much better than your most recent ex. Good luck.

[depplover_1980]

I would put this one down to experience. It seems she cared less than you, which in turn made you insecure, which in turn pushed her more away - a vicious circle.

 

Just look forward to being in a more equal relationship and don't repeat any of your previous mistakes and don't beat yourself up about it. Hold your head high and commence with life.