Drained978 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Hello everyone, posting on a forum is pretty new to me, so please bear with me...I just really need some advice from a total stranger's perspective and thought what better place to get that than on a forum, so here's my story...I'm going to just warn you that this is LONG (sorry!)... I've been with my husband for almost 6 years now. We didn't start off great (yes I know not everyone starts out "great" etc). We started off with trust and communication issues, which of course...are still the crux of our problems today. He had just got out of a long term relationship, or so he claims, and he was still very much in love with his ex while he was with him (he was still in love with her a good 6-9 months into our dating). He claims this was alright because we were just "dating" and not committed. Ok fine, but he continued to keep in contact with her almost 2.5 years into our relationship, and I would catch him in lies here and there that he would make about her. He finally completely cut off all communications with her when she told him that she had cheated on him while she was with him. About 3 years into our relationship, I was diagnosed with HPV, that I most definitely got from him...I know HPV is a common thing now, but for me going through HPV and surgery shook me up pretty bad. Right after my HPV diagnosis, we moved into together. In hindsight, it was probably a big mistake. I'm the type of person that thrives on being independent and having my own place, my career, my school etc. So it was a big adjustment for me, because I was moving into his place, and that always had made me feel uncomfortable just because I felt like I didn't pay for this place, it's not really mine even though I paid half the maintenance when I moved in. I also caught the herpes cold sore from him, yes I know about 80% of the population has it, but for me, again this was another big shake up. Every time I get a cold sore I feel so damn ashamed... A few months after the whole hpv/cold sores scenario, he ends up proposing to me, and we get engaged, and eventually end up getting married. To make a very long story short, we had been having pretty bad fights after my hpv/cold sores episodes, which somewhat stopped a bit when we got engaged. We got caught up in the whole wedding planning whirlwind, and were actually happy for a while with each other... A few months before we got married, his parents had asked him if I was with him for his money. Which is absolutely unacceptable and shocking to me, I have a masters and I'm in law school, I have worked so damn hard and made many sacrifices to get to each and every point that I have in my life. Going through struggles has made me who I am and I take great pride in that. So it hurt to hear that. A month or so after we got married, we decided to buy a place together. At this point I had just started my first year of law school, and was working at the same time. So I put in about 25% and he put in 75% into our apartment. Now I am hearing that his sister was on his case to not buy an apartment with me at the time. (Also after our fights got out of hand, he started talking to her because he felt like she was the only one he could really talk to, and she has been "on his case" to kick me out for the past couple of months...) Right after we got married, it became pure hell. I was under super stress between work and school, and he just could never take a step back. We would have petty fights which escalate beyond belief. I eventually got to the point where these fights took over me mentally and physically and went into deep clinical depression. I would beg him to just take a step back at the beginning of every fight and he just couldn't do it. So up until recently, I had started to lash out at him physically (kicks, pushing, and occasional punches) and would just say anything and everything horrible to him so that he'd stop, but obviously that didn't work. Now, I would just like to say there is no justifying my actions here, and I am completely disgusted with myself for getting to these points. But before I started getting physical with him, he would always try to run after, pin/throw me down, sometimes bite, and would just get very overwhelming and I started to just snap I guess...I also got a herinated disc in all of this, not sure if it was from the physical fights or what....I'm not sure if there is any way to make up for my part in this as far as my unacceptable actions? Now about a month ago, we got into another very petty fight which just escalated again, and he became very vicious when I tried to step back and would just sit there and cry all night (would tell me to shut the f* up/calm the f* down etc). I lashed back at him by talking trash about him and his family, etc. (Now at this point, I had just quit my job, and switched to full time law school) So he kicked me out of our apartment because he believed I had got physically and verbally abusive and I should leave because he owns most of the apartment anyway and that it was not my home. Now, all I want is just to move on and walk away, obviously we're just volatile when together and no good for each other. There is no way I can ever go back and live with him again knowing how he views me and his property and assets. I just want to put this entire relationship behind me and move on. He wants to work it out, but on his time and his terms (he wants a separation of 3-6 months, during which he would pick a time of when I get to move back in, and when we would see counseling etc). There is absolutely no way of communicating with each other on civil terms without getting into screaming and arguing pointlessly...He now accuses me of having a boyfriend and that is the reason I want out etc (I have no idea where he's getting these ideas from, it just rubs off as pure immaturity at this point). Is there a way I can ever communicate with him in a mature civil manner and make this a peaceful divorce?? Or is it just a lost cause at this point, and just file the papers and accept it for what it is? Any advice would be greatly appreciated...thanks in advance, and sorry for the long story!
BlindRage Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 You have already stated that you have an extremely unhealthy relationship. That should give you an answer to both your questions. I don't think that's something strangers can clear up for you.
sammyd Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Wow, seriously, you need to walk away from this for both your sanity. This is a volatile and abusive relationship on both sides. I think you're probably better off just communicating through a solicitor.
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