spiderowl Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) Hope someone can help me out here. I've been in touch with a guy via a dating site for a few weeks now. He contacted me initially. There is one problem which I felt would make a big difference (he smokes) and I said so early on. He accepted this but somehow we've kept in touch. I'm really beginning to like this guy after our email exchanges. We seem to have a real connection. I've given him chance to opt out of exchanging messages, but he always comes back and says he likes reading my messages (and I like reading his). We've flirted a bit and he is very respectful and funny, but obviously the issue is at the back of our minds. If he doesn't write for a bit longer than usual, I tend to leave my response longer because I think maybe he wants to opt out, given the incompatibility, but he encourages me back. So, I thought we were getting on so well it would be interesting to talk to him anyhow. It might have been a relief in a way because if we hadn't clicked on the phone then things would have been clearer. So, on an impulse I gave him my number, thinking he might call. He didn't. After a longer-than-usual pause, he responded with another friendly, chatty message and then said at the end that he had reservations about calling in case he really liked me. I was a bit dumbfounded at this. I only gave him my number because I felt this connection and thought he'd want to talk. I can understand his response because his habit would make things awkward and there's no point getting closer and closer to someone if it's not going to work, is there? Despite everything, I still like the sound of this guy and don't know what to do. I look forward to his messages and he says he enjoys reading mine and if I look like I'm losing interest, he encourages me to stay in touch. I'm not going to pressure him to talk on the phone and he hasn't offered his number. I do feel he's genuine and not married or anything like that. Things feel a bit unequal at the moment. In a recent message he was a bit more revealing about personal circumstances. Why would he be like that if he wasn't interested and wanted to cut off? So I'm a bit stuck really, wondering what to do. Do I just say goodbye and forget - not easy? Is compromise possible and should I even suggest it, given that I'm the one who has said his habit is a barrier? It would be very difficult for me and presumably him too. He might be just writing for entertainment and perhaps it doesn't mean much to him, I don't know. I don't get that feeling. I don't know what to do now, I've sent a message pretty much saying I'm not sure where we go from here but is that the right thing to do? Edited February 26, 2011 by spiderowl
SmileFace Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 All I can say is that he may be married. Or in a relationship or mute but I doubt it is the last one.
DatingForLOLs Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I would guess that his hesitation to call makes him either a very shy man, or involved in a relationship. What about texting? If he were to give you his number to text, but not to call, it would show that he's not holding back over something like a wifey seeing the messages. If he won't even let you text him, I'd say there's definitely something up. Either way, is smoking really such a big deal that you'd let it get in the way of a good relationship? I don't understand that at all. I'm not a smoker, but we all have our flaws. If nictone is your only compatibility issue, you're setting your expectations a little too high in my opinion.
Author spiderowl Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Thanks for your thoughts. He's not into texting. Don't like to ask for a number, might just give up. Don't feel he's in a relationship, I think he genuinely feels it's impractical. It's easy to think it shouldn't be a dealbreaker but I think the reality would be difficult. Guess I know there's no point in continuing with messages but we both seem to want to carry on all the same.
AirbenderAang Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 He smokes. That is usually enough of a deal breaker for most folks.
Author spiderowl Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 Thanks, guess it is a dealbreaker without any hope of him stopping. It's sad really. Maybe it's best to stop communicating if it's hopeless. Not sure what I'd say. I think he'd understand.
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