he's come back into my life... now what?

[sweetblubrry]

No one answered my other post so I guess it was too long. So I will try to shorten it. I NEED ADVICE!!

 

So my ex and I broke up 4 weeks ago. We had a great relationship other than some communication issues but overall we never had any fights or issues. We were together for 7 months and we work together. I felt like the break up was just a bunch of lame excuses and it came out of nowhere. He was bawling and I don't even think he knew why he was doing it but just because he felt like he had to. I did NC for 4 weeks straight away besides the times where I saw him at work and would casually say Hi and walk away. Other then that, absolutely no phone calls or texts or emails. I only heard thru friends who said he was going thru some sort of life thing... all to do with him.

 

This past Sunday I had to work with him and it was strange. I was friendly but distant and he kept coming up to talk to me. I was short and went back to what I was doing. He asked me about about other jobs prospects, how the interviews I had went (must have gotten that from fb) and what I was planning to do. After 3 1/2 weeks of no talking, he is all the sudden so concerned with my life? The next day I ran into him after work and he sat down next to me on the bus. He was again being friendly and i was just texting my roommate. He asked me when I was moving.... I said 2 months and he's like if you need help moving just call me and I will help. What the heck? So I don't know what possessed me to do this... but I asked him if we could talk about what happened a month ago. But more for for myself because I felt like I never really got an answer.

 

So then he completely opened up to me. He does not feel happy with himself or his life (career-wise). He feels like a failure. I found out from a friend that he tells everyone he graduated college when he really didn't. He feels so ashamed that he didn't accomplish that... he dropped out. He also brought up how he just doesn’t trust anyone…. friends, family, relationships, coworkers, etc. He said he has no idea he just doesn’t. He is also unable to let anyone in… because he is afraid of getting hurt. He is one of those types that says he doesn't care what others think... but I think he is terrified of judgement. He is so scared at work of others judging him cause he broke up with me. So he said that lately he has been trying to put himself in social situations where he has to face judgement and learn to deal with it. By the way, he also told me that he is seeing a therapist. I was so surprised... and apparently he started seeing one when we were still together.

 

I told him that I realized that in our ENTIRE relationship he has never said no to me. And this is why he does not make plans. For some reason he just can’t say no… because he feels like he will disappoint the person. He also can’t stand when somebody will ask if he wants to do something and he already has plans because he feels obligated to do something with both people. And for some reason he just cannot deal with it… he cannot say no and ends up making an excuse or lie which is what he did to me. When I make the plans, he thinks oh that is what she likes to do... and establishes a pattern in his mind. Yet he can not enjoy it and will not say a word because he doesn’t want to upset me. He is so concerned with being perfect… Logically he knows that but he just can’t accept it… I for the life of me don’t understand where it comes from. He has very loving and supportive parents and comes from a close family, just like me. All these expectations on him are unrealistic, unhealthy, and they are all in his head. I've told him I've accepted his faults, and I am not his past exes who hurt him by spreading rumors and lies. That is not the type of person I am. I’ve told him that all his friends care about him and worry about him. And he said it makes it worse because he thinks they are wasting their time when they could be concerned with something else. Can he just not believe that somebody in this world might actually care about him? He talked about how everyone he trusts always ends up crapping out on him. I think that is a huge part of the trust issue.

 

I asked him that when he was able to resolve all these issues, would he ever consider a “second chance” kind of speaking from my point of view… like would he give me a second chance? He didn’t even take it like that… he said no one has ever given HIM a second chance. He said he doesn’t want to make a promise because it’s not fair… I said I totally understood and didn’t expect him to. But from what he was saying, I don’t see why he wouldn’t give it another chance if the opportunity came along. Of course I am not going to wait for him but I do hope he figures things out. But I have no idea how long that could take. I do feel he still cares for me, I just don’t know what to expect. He told me he feels AWFUL about putting me through this. He said he should have never asked me out because I don’t deserve to have to go through this. So after we talked about all everything, he initiated a hug and he just held me for like 20 seconds and it was definitely a relationship type hug and not a friend hug. I wanted to cry, I miss him so much in my life.

 

So the next day it was so weird at work. He was SO friendly and flirty with me. I felt like it was the first days of when we started dating. He literally followed me around at work and tried talked to me every chance he got. Even others noticed this! He would joke around and be annoying to me like a little kid who has a crush. We would have playful arguments. I just don't get it. His behavior confuses me so much. Someone even asked me if we were back together!

 

I feel a lot better because I feel like I finally understand what is want to talk about this that night because it’s such an internal part of him that he just cannot deal with. And I am very surprised that he opened up to me like that considering he just completely stopped talking to me for almost 4 weeks. He is a good guy, but obviously going through a lot of troubles right now. I am filled with so many emotions right now. I still love him and I don’t know what I should do. I want to support him but I also don’t want to be too much of a friend because that will hurt me. WHAT IS BEST IN THIS SITUATION IF I WANT HIM BACK EVENTUALLY?? I feel that NC will hurt because obviously he needs support. But I also don't want to be hurt. LC maybe???

Edited February 26, 2011 by sweetblubrry

[depplover_1980]

I'm sorry but didn't you post a couple of weeks back and I said I thought he was gay. He 'doesn't like sex' and the girlfriends before had immaturely told people they thought he was gay? I think he wants you as his best girl pal, which is why he won't commit to you but loves messing around as friends! I think this leads to genuine turmoil and the therapist may be for more than he is letting on, it may be encouraging him to accept himself more...

[sweetblubrry]

The major problem seems to lie in his success and failures... not a confusion of who he is. I have tons of gay guy friends... who even know him and I've asked (because of the rumors) and they don't think he is gay. All his friends are straight... it just doesn't line up.

[sweetblubrry]

Anyone else??

[depplover_1980]

So him not liking sex has nothing to do with his sexuality?