simplyxnoor Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) Me and my first boyfriend parted ways about 2 months ago right before the new year. (we're both 21 yrs old) He asked me if we can still be friends and I told him that it would be best if we had NO CONTACT for a while so that we can get over our feelings and try to build a healthy friendship in the future after the break... we would start off slow by talking through email and stuff. It's been two months now... 2 long months. I'm not sure if I should break the no contact rule yet or not? I miss him a lot, I'm definitely not over the feelings but sometimes I just want to know how he's doing since he's got some issues... I also wonder if he misses me too and I wonder if he's learning what he lost. So should I break the no contact rule yet and give the friendship a shot? or is it too soon???? HELP!! more info about the relationship is below... Long story short: key words= emotional cheating, Ocd, germaphobia, neglect, first relationship disaster and disappointment. Long story.... I would describe the whole relationship as unstable, but we had many good times and memorable moments together. I broke up with him, after 7 months of being with him because i felt neglected, and I always felt like I was the only one holding on and trying hard for things to work, while he just gave up on the idea of us... This was the first relationship for both of us and to make things more difficult he had Obsessive Compulsive disorder (with germaphobia/agoraphobia) and he was dwelling in the past... apparently "in love" with his best friend. The OCD/germaphobia got in the way of our relationship because after about 2 months of being together he had fear of contamination and physical contact so we couldn't kiss anymore. After a while he wasn't affectionate and as the months went by I saw him less and less. Maybe once every 3 weeks to a month. It got pretty bad. We lived far (about an hour or 2 away from each other) and he had a "fear" of leaving his home or neighborhood and told me about his struggles with that. Although I know he has these real struggles, sometimes I felt like he used them as an excuse more than necessary... After our 6 months anniversary, the holidays were approaching and so was my birthday. He did nothing special for me, or for us. i didn't see him until a day before new years eve... i had to mail his xmas gifts to him and his parents b/c we couldn't meet up etc etc. Things got out of control and i felt like I didn't belong in his life anymore. I felt like he was pushing me away and I didn't know why... I kinda knew why though... A month before the holidays approached I got really sad and desperate to find out what was going on aside from his ocd, so i snooped around ( I know it was wrong of me, and I felt really bad about it but I felt like i had no other choice). I checked his email and found this story he wrote about himself, me, and his best friend (a girl) titled "i love you". He wrote about how he had an amazing girlfriend who truly cared for him but "it isn't her he loves." He wrote about the girl he "loves" and from the description I knew that it was his best friend he was writing about. It completely broke my heart into a million pieces and I got really depressed. I still am depressed but not as much as I was back when this all happened. In a way, his best friend was one of his obsessions... and he had feelings for me and her. According to one of his friends... my bf secretly wanted to test the waters with his best friend, while keeping me hanging on a shelf and keeping me "off the market." I thought it was selfish of him to do that to me all for his own benefit. I refused to be a back-up plans so i broke up with him because of all the mess he made and for the neglect and insecurity he made me feel. I don't know what love is but from what I do know of love, I could say that I truly loved him. I still love. He is sooo special to me and he is a great guy! very romantic and all but he had a whole lot of baggage and a few flaws. Too much to look past and muddle through I guess. For a first relationship that lasted less than a year it was quite a drag and a big disappointment. sigh... I know I did my part though. I remained supportive, understanding, caring, hopeful and quite a fighter (a constant internal battle to make things work!). I was selfless and did everything in my power to be there for him but he just gave up on us so soon. It's so sad that our time together ended sooo soon when I wanted it to be forever with him. I love him, and I miss him... always. Edited February 26, 2011 by simplyxnoor
BelieveInUs Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 I have to congratulate you on not letting him string you along. Stringing people along should be reserve for your enemy and not for the woman you love. I have always been careful on not letting women used me. However, in your case as it is in my case, we detected deceptions early and we were able to formulate a response to deceptions. If your boyfriend was deceiving you, stringing you along, and preventing you from finding a new life, you need to let your ex-boyfriend go. Sincerity should be one of your criteria in deciding whether or not to give your ex-boyfriend a second chance. I am still confuse and sad over the woman that I had dinners with. The only thing I can tell you is that it is good for you to detect and respond early to your ex-boyfriend deception. For me, I will use my first experience to enhance and perfect a better second relationship. I will tell you what I keep in my heart to weather the storm at my end = Love Always and Forever. Always remember to keep love close to your heart so that love can never be lost. Take care. Sincerely, One of the Man
D78 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 ... I'm not sure if I should break the no contact rule yet or not? I miss him a lot, I'm definitely not over the feelings but sometimes I just want to know how he's doing since he's got some issues... I also wonder if he misses me too and I wonder if he's learning what he lost. So should I break the no contact rule yet and give the friendship a shot? or is it too soon???? HELP!!... The goal of NC is to get over your ex, so I think you should stick with it until you are over him. You want him to learn what he's lost, but if you contact him he hasn't really lost anything. He still has your devotion. And, to answer a question you didn't ask, I think you should just let this one go, because... ... A month before the holidays approached I got really sad and desperate to find out what was going on aside from his ocd, so i snooped around ( I know it was wrong of me, and I felt really bad about it but I felt like i had no other choice)... I'm not criticizing you for snooping, but once you get to the point that you're going to snoop, the relationship is over. You would have been better off breaking up with the guy than reading his emails. And on a side note, I know 2 guys who are faithful and so sick of girls snooping through their stuff, they keep fake texts on their phones and a fake email from a girl who doesn't exist. They figure if she snoops and finds them, she's not worth it. ... I would describe the whole relationship as unstable... i felt neglected, and I always felt like I was the only one holding on and trying hard for things to work, while he just gave up on the idea of us... and he was dwelling in the past... apparently "in love" with his best friend... ... After a while he wasn't affectionate and as the months went by I saw him less and less. Maybe once every 3 weeks to a month. It got pretty bad. We lived far (about an hour or 2 away from each other) and he had a "fear" of leaving his home or neighborhood and told me about his struggles with that. Although I know he has these real struggles, sometimes I felt like he used them as an excuse more than necessary... ... After our 6 months anniversary, the holidays were approaching and so was my birthday. He did nothing special for me, or for us... ... I checked his email and found this story he wrote about himself, me, and his best friend (a girl) titled "i love you". He wrote about how he had an amazing girlfriend who truly cared for him but "it isn't her he loves." He wrote about the girl he "loves" and from the description I knew that it was his best friend he was writing about. It completely broke my heart into a million pieces and I got really depressed. I still am depressed but not as much as I was back when this all happened... ... my bf secretly wanted to test the waters with his best friend, while keeping me hanging on a shelf and keeping me "off the market."... I refused to be a back-up plans so i broke up with him because of all the mess he made and for the neglect and insecurity he made me feel. ... ... I don't know what love is but from what I do know of love, I could say that I truly loved him. I still love. He is sooo special to me and he is a great guy! very romantic and all but he had a whole lot of baggage and a few flaws. Too much to look past and muddle through I guess. For a first relationship that lasted less than a year it was quite a drag and a big disappointment. sigh... ... I know I did my part though. I remained supportive, understanding, caring, hopeful and quite a fighter (a constant internal battle to make things work!). I was selfless and did everything in my power to be there for him but he just gave up on us so soon. It's so sad that our time together ended sooo soon when I wanted it to be forever with him. I love him, and I miss him... always. My first LTR ended when I was around your age when he cheated with his best friend (quite physically, though, not emotionally like yours). I know how much it hurts, but I promise you won't love him always. You gave everything you had and worked hard to keep this relationship going. What did you get in return? Your first birthday as his girlfriend and he does nothing special? Your first holidays together and he does nothing special? You had already been together 6 months, and he did nothing. That's messed up. You say he's so romantic, but I say no he isn't. He wanted to hook up with his best friend, but not break up with you first, because if it didn't work out with her you were an acceptable second choice. Good for you for recognizing this and standing up for yourself. You can't have this unbalanced of a relationship and be happy. You should receive about as much as you give. This guy didn't seem to give you anything good. Ask yourself, why do you even want to be friends with someone who would do that to you? Are you sure you don't want to be friends with the person he used to be, or the person you thought he was? Because, he's not so great. He's dishonest and uncaring, actually. You seem like a very caring person with a good head on her shoulders. I have no doubt you can find a guy who will see you as a great first choice. You can also make quite a list of traits to avoid in your next relationship. All of us have "struggles," but don't you want to find someone who is at least trying to get past them? More importantly, don't you want to be with a guy who's honest and cares enough for you to not put you on the shelf until he figures out whether his other options will work? So, yeah, stay NC. Forget him. Convince yourself that you deserve better. Once you do that, you can break NC and contact him again (but why?). Good luck
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