Is some insecurity in a relationship normal?

[Cee]

Just got off the phone with my boyfriend. Nice phone call although he sounded a little distant. Totally understandable because he had a tough workday and has to get up early in the am for a trip...

 

...Yet, I have a bit of uneasiness. Not a big deal or anything, but I have these twinges of insecurity sometimes. I'm not freaking out or anything and I'm not upset. Just unsettled.

 

We haven't been together long - a little over a month. It's going very well, but I'm not totally secure. I think security will come in time as we build intimacy and trust.

 

I haven't had a good relationship in 10 years so I forget what it's like in an early relationship. Could people share their experiences about uncertainty and insecurity? Is it normal to feel this way?

 

Thanks for letting me dump it here instead of on him.

[cerridwen]

Is this free-floating insecurity or is it around specific issue(s)?

I think the latter, when based in some reality, is quite normal.

 

I've been very insecure in relationships before--but about specific things.

In one relationship, there was a marked aged difference so I worried about measuring up to younger women. I never quite worked through it and that wasn't healthy. He didn't help the situation any with his wandering eye.

 

In another relationship with a high-powered globe-trotting man, I worried about being interesting enough. This dissipated because of his unsolicited reassurance on the subject. I was very happy in that relationship though the beginning was rough.

 

Is what you feel insecure about based on anything?

Edited February 26, 2011 by cerridwen

[Cee]

I think the insecurity is based on being single for over 6 years. I'm out of practice in relationships. And the last time I loved somebody was 10 years ago, which feels like a lifetime ago. I feel new at this again.

 

I do have some other fears such as our large age difference driving us apart. But I can't control me being older, so I don't dwell on it.

 

None of the insecurity comes from how he treats me. We have regular contact, frequent dates, and intimate conversations. He's affectionate and caring toward me.

 

...Sigh... I teeter between feeling grounded and feeling uneasy. I guess I'm a little scared.

[lonely79]

Hi Cee, popping over from the LDR section... I dont know if i can give great advice, as I am newly back into the dating pool after having been married for 5 years.......and as you know, i am in a new-ish relationship that is also LDR (we work together and he had decided to move cuz his life was so not going anywhere , and right at that exact time is when we discovered this crazy crazy crazy chemistry/attraction/connection and thus the LDR now)... but i think its normal to be a bit insecure in a new relationship. you dont know each other's communications styles so well yet, you are too shy/new to bring up hard topics and so you dont, but then you draw conculsions. Im not sure if this is making any sense, but I think we both just should vent on here before we get all crazy and dramatic with our SOs!!

[jane100]

Sometimes when I'm exhausted I find it hard to sound enthusiastic (if thats what was going on with your guy).

 

I think getting older makes it harder in some ways too - and after a long spell away from dating in particular as you say. I guess you just have to keep going, what other choice ?!

 

(For me, its not the same kind of insecurity as when younger I don't think. It is actually less dramatic, but deeper and more sensitive if that makes sense.)

 

p.s. I should add I am also going through something similar, though its more lack of contact in the first place and I have no real idea why.

Edited February 26, 2011 by jane100

[Kamille]

I think it's normal to feel some insecurity, especially in the first few months, as you're growing increasingly attached but also still learning about each other's communication and emotional styles.

 

I had moments of insecurity in the beginning of my current LTR, mostly linked to my interpretation of his organizational style. BF is the kind who can work from morning daylight to well past midnight for something like 3 days in a row (out of obligation because of impending deadlines) and, at first, that would mean he would "disappear" for those 3 days and then out of commission for a day. Except, I didn't really know his organizational style, had no idea what was going on and was mostly left wondering why he wasn't getting in touch with me (and interpreting the disappearance emotionally). With time, we've discussed the issue, I now understand how he works and, not only that, he now calls me when he takes breaks or, when possible, we work together. But all of that came with time.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am not an ageist, and if I were single (and when I was single) I would go out with men who were a lot younger than I. Still, personally, I am afraid that this age difference might contribute to feelings of insecurity in a "real" relationship.

 

This might be due to societal pressures, unfortunately, more if it's the woman who is the older person. Read ADT's characterization of "cougars" for some unpleasant insight on this. Also, though, I think that people with such an age disparity have more moments to think about possible differences in what each wants out of a "serious" relationship ... for example, if the younger one ultimately wants to have children, this could result in an "elephant in the room" of the relationship.

 

Now that I've said all that, I also believe that when a relationship is new, there are many opportunities for feeling insecure no matter what the ages of the people. You are really learning each other. After only a month, the relationship has many stages to go through before the two of you get into a comfortable routine. Neither of you know what the stages are. I think some insecurity would be normal and expected. I felt it in the early stages of my relationship, though I would not allow it to take any kind of hold on me. I had a lot of trust and belief in this man and in "us" and I know that my own insecurity could be toxic.

[Cee]

Hey, thanks for sharing the feedback. I want to post honest things on the board about my dating life and insecurity is part of it. Gelling with another person is an adventure that I'm not used to. But so far, it's been really great. Learning new things about him is pretty exciting.

 

He has expressed a little anxiety too. When we called each other BF/GF, he got nervous. I asked him why and he said that in the past when he thought things were going well, the woman started fights and things fell apart. I think he's okay to trust me because I am available, balanced, and smitten with him.

[zengirl]

Just got off the phone with my boyfriend. Nice phone call although he sounded a little distant. Totally understandable because he had a tough workday and has to get up early in the am for a trip...

 

...Yet, I have a bit of uneasiness. Not a big deal or anything, but I have these twinges of insecurity sometimes. I'm not freaking out or anything and I'm not upset. Just unsettled.

 

We haven't been together long - a little over a month. It's going very well, but I'm not totally secure. I think security will come in time as we build intimacy and trust.

 

I haven't had a good relationship in 10 years so I forget what it's like in an early relationship. Could people share their experiences about uncertainty and insecurity? Is it normal to feel this way?

 

Thanks for letting me dump it here instead of on him.

 

In early relationships, sounds normal to me. I'm always a bit unsure for a bit. Whenever I've encountered it later into the relationship, it's wound up being a real problem. By then, you know the person, and you're picking up on REAL signals rather than just your own fears. But a month in? And the first relationship back in 10 years? It really could very well be nothing.

[Butterflying]

Insecurity is never healthy in a relationship. A little jealousy, however, is to be expected. Jealousy and insecurity are two different things.

 

Jealousy is what one feels when someone else is getting what they want, or what they are used to getting. It's okay as long as you know where you stand in the relationship. There is nothing really to fear.

 

Insecurity is when you feel threatened, like you could possibly lose what you have. This is not good because you will be compelled to "hold on" or "defend" what's yours. In a relationship, this could be extremly toxic.

[Ay Diesel T]

Insecure girlfriends are pretty annoying. Jealous girlfriends are even worse.

 

Both normal human behavior? Yeah. Both acceptable behavior? Nope.

[Eddie Edirol]

Youre insecure because you WANT to feel insecure, as if you have nothing else to think about. Maybe you want to think he is pulling away from you. Maybe you want more control or maybe you need a relationship more than he does. You should find some things to do so you can stop thinking about insecurity.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Just got off the phone with my boyfriend. Nice phone call although he sounded a little distant. Totally understandable because he had a tough workday and has to get up early in the am for a trip...

...Yet, I have a bit of uneasiness. Not a big deal or anything, but I have these twinges of insecurity sometimes. I'm not freaking out or anything and I'm not upset. Just unsettled.

We haven't been together long - a little over a month. It's going very well, but I'm not totally secure. I think security will come in time as we build intimacy and trust.

I haven't had a good relationship in 10 years so I forget what it's like in an early relationship. Could people share their experiences about uncertainty and insecurity? Is it normal to feel this way?

Thanks for letting me dump it here instead of on him.

 

I think this is fairly normal. You should just fight through it.

 

For some women insecurity in a relationship is like crack. It gives the sensation of butterflies and they can't feel anything without it. Just don't get to that level and you will be Ok.

[Els]

You will never be completely secure 100% of a time in a relationship. Especially not one this new. Honestly, I thought it was common sense? Has anyone ever been 100% secure about ANYTHING? Job, friends, life? No? Why should a R be any different?