the_dynamo Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) I m a single guy, and not just single as in not being in a relationship with a girl. I am practically alone, got hardy any family, I have friends but i don't really get close to them and I don't really have girls as friends, only some acquaintances and girl buddies who i don't really spend a lot of time with. so i have a feeling of isolation even though i live in a populated city. It's not that I can't socialize with people, I m actually quite natural in talking with people and can become buddies with people easily, but i hardly ever feel a real connection with people personality wise I am one of those who is ok with being alone, not that i don't enjoy company, but even for myself the lack of emotion support is starting to get to me. Naturally i have tried to become closer to my friends and asked a few girls out. unfortunately my yearning for emotional support rears itself in one way or another when i try to get into something with a girl. I involuntarily start thinking too much about the girl and once the girl ofcurse picks up on the vib and distances herself from me. so I have girls who don't reject me at first, but with whom I never form a relationship. and this just brings me down big time. If these girls would reject me in the beginning at least i wouldn't become obsessed with them and i d move on, but they agree to go out with me and i get all excited to finally become intimate with someone and then suddenly they back away. everyone tells me to just ask girls out more frequently but i just feel that it's an uphill battle, like i have so much weight on my shoulders and I have to climb a ladder. sometimes I just want to give on trying to date women, and other times I try to energize myself to go out and do it but i quickly run out of steam. all these girls i ask out they have tons of support behind them, It even seems like they have no need for boyfriends but, me, there isn't even someone to pat me on the back. I just don't know what to do I work constantly to get my mind off of this, but it still lingers at the back of my head Edited February 25, 2011 by the_dynamo
Author the_dynamo Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I guess no support here too! It's just as well I guess I just wanted to vent myself. I got pick up the pieces and hope that after a while i will be desensitized to women
Jannah Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 We support you. What are some things that interest you? There are lots of things to do, you could join a gym, take dance classes, visit local points of interest, go to concerts, plays - all sorts of things! :bunny:
Author the_dynamo Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I have tired thing like that, but i sorta feel detached from people in general. It might be how i was raised. I don't open up to people, non of my friends even know that I m a little depressed, cause around them I m all cheer and happy. and because of this no one ever tries to emotionally support me, they think I m ok! but I m starting to get tired of this internalization.
AverageJoe Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 unfortunately my yearning for emotional support rears itself in one way or another when i try to get into something with a girl. I Would you mind providing an example of this?
Author the_dynamo Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Would you mind providing an example of this? like I send a text that sounds like i am desperate. I don't know I think some of them even notice it from my tone of voice and the words i use. I ve tried to reverse this but then i just start seeming like an arrogant jerk
AverageJoe Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 like I send a text that sounds like i am desperate. I don't know I think some of them even notice it from my tone of voice and the words i use. I ve tried to reverse this but then i just start seeming like an arrogant jerk I might be off the mark here based on what little I have read but it sounds like you need to build some self confidence. Some serious confidence where you need to usher out that co-dependent mentality. I will tell you this. Being an arrogant jerk is better than being a clingy doormat. Women do not find desperation attractive at all. You will never hear a female tell her friends how hot you made her from your desperation. If she calls you a jerk you are doing something right. I know, it seems very strange but don't apologize for it.
Author the_dynamo Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I might be off the mark here based on what little I have read but it sounds like you need to build some self confidence. Some serious confidence where you need to usher out that co-dependent mentality. I will tell you this. Being an arrogant jerk is better than being a clingy doormat. Women do not find desperation attractive at all. You will never hear a female tell her friends how hot you made her from your desperation. If she calls you a jerk you are doing something right. I know, it seems very strange but don't apologize for it. I can see how you come to that, and there might be some insecurity in me. but for most part I confidant in my looks and I think i m an alright guy. the issue is i just want these girl badly once i go out a few dates. It doesn't help that the girls i m attracted to and ask out are ones that are really satisfied with their lives and just seem to see dates with me as some extra entertainment. and like i said they don't really seem to be in a hurry to start a relationship. on the other hand i m not happy and I think of going out with the girl is the best part of the week for myself.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I believe that intimate relationships are the most difficult and last kind that a person should work on. What you need to do is start by building up your network of friends. Try to get some real close friends. Learn how to be a good friend to someone. Finding things you like to do is a good way to find friends and enlarge your world. That kind of isolation can also be mostly mental. For a while last month I felt that way about my family that you do about your friends. It took time and work but I was able to see that I wasn't as alone and lonely as I thought. Once you do this you will have the emotional support needed to climb that ladder. You will be able to fly up that ladder like it's nothing.
ALonerAgain Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) I believe that intimate relationships are the most difficult and last kind that a person should work on. What you need to do is start by building up your network of friends. Try to get some real close friends. Learn how to be a good friend to someone. Finding things you like to do is a good way to find friends and enlarge your world. That kind of isolation can also be mostly mental. For a while last month I felt that way about my family that you do about your friends. It took time and work but I was able to see that I wasn't as alone and lonely as I thought. Once you do this you will have the emotional support needed to climb that ladder. You will be able to fly up that ladder like it's nothing. I totally agree with this. True intimacy can only really be acheived when you are truly comfortable and secure with who you are. Going by what you've said, it sounds like you're an introvert by nature. I am too. And yes, it can be harder on you emotionally living in a city surrounded by people who seem to be constantly making connections so easily. I've often wondered this too. I would not advocate acting like anything other than yourself. that includes coming across as 'arrogant' or 'desperate'. Work on your self-esteem and changing your mindset. For a long time, I've believed that I've been alone because I felt lonely. But I only felt like this because I had suffered from years of past rejection, which had distorted the way I viewed myself: that I wasn't worth being around. Over the last few years, I've learned to open up to people a bit more. In fact, I've just come back from having a really in-depth conversation with a school friend and we've shared some stuff about each other that neither of us really talked about before - and that's after years of 'knowing' each other! Similarly, I've grown closer to my mum and sister since my dad died, even though they've always been there, I just never came to appreciate them until now. So look around: really look around. Is there something that you've always wanted to know about any of your firends, family, acquaintances but have been too shy to ask? You never know: you might just find the connection you've been longing for right in front of you, but were too afraid to find out... Edited February 25, 2011 by ALonerAgain
max2go Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 I agree with what has been suggested, that you need to build on your self confidence. Having groups of friends around you, be friends with a woman lst, enjoy her company, maybe ask her out with a group, bowling or to dinner, football match, what ever you both enjoy. Build on it and let things happen, if they are going to, naturally, then you will slowly get to know one another without the awkwardness of being alone from get go...........and stop worrying!
Author the_dynamo Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) thank you, Mrlonelyone & Aloneragain. I appreciate your feedback, and I do believe much of this is mental isolation rather than true isolation. and it's true while i might not be an obvious introvert in public, i do think my personality is like that, and that's partly why i don't get really close with people. and with most of my family being dead, except my brothers who live away from me. I can't rely on family members. I have tired getting closer with friends, it's payed off a little. but I don't think anything short of a good relationship is really gonna solve this for me. I also have lots to do which makes me impatient to wanted take things slow with a girl. i want to get to the point quickly. plus why waist my time if in the end the girl isn't going to start a relationship with me. Edited February 26, 2011 by the_dynamo
ALonerAgain Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) thank you, Mrlonelyone & Aloneragain. I appreciate your feedback, and I do believe much of this is mental isolation rather than true isolation. and it's true while i might not be an obvious introvert in public, i do think my personality is like that, and that's partly why i don't get really close with people. and with most of my family being dead, except my brothers who live away from me. I can't rely on family members. Your welcome. I think it's quite a popular myth that one can spot the introvert a mile off as they're usually the 'quiet one in the corner'. But in today's society - and especially in the city, introverts have been 'forced' to adapt to hide this stereotype, seemingly blending in with our more open counterparts, so others will never really know. My aforementioned schoolfriend said she would never have known about my introversion had I not mentioned it, as I come across as quite confident in myself. But that's taken years of practice. Does that mean I'm 'cured' of my introversion? No, because that is essentially my nature: it's part of who I am and I'm coming to appreciate it day by day. I have tired getting closer with friends, it's payed off a little. but I don't think anything short of a good relationship is really gonna solve this for me. And that 'good relationship' is the one that you have with yourself. Seriously, 99.9% of society think that finding that special person is gonna cure their problems. BS. But that's the society we live in. People need people, yes. But does everyone know what makes them unique besides having a boyfirend/girlfriend? Do people really think that all their emotional crap will disappear after they've found someone? And what happens if that connection then ends? The same crap will somehow magically re-appear - but with the added crap of a failed relationship! I also have lots to do which makes me impatient to wanted take things slow with a girl. i want to get to the point quickly. plus why waist my time if in the end the girl isn't going to start a relationship with me. What 'point' is this? The 'Are-you-going-to-be-my-girlfriend-or-not?' point? All we can do is be honest and clear about what we want in and from a relationship. the rest we can't control (i.e. their wants; desires; and reactions). Do you know what you want? But more importantly, if you do know what you want, do you match up to those standards yourself? Edited February 26, 2011 by ALonerAgain
Mrlonelyone Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Your welcome Dynamo. I hope some of what I said I useful. I think what the three of us have as a problem is that we don't lack confidence or self esteem. We all are very confident and ok with ourselves by ourselves. It gives us very little motivation to put ourselves out there the way people who date much more do. I'll bet the two of you could relate to the following statement: My big problem is finding someone that I am interested in romantically. I am in most of my life considered outgoing. I was a salesperson at one point. I have interacted with the public in a customer service way face to face. I can rap with anyone. When it comes to piqueing my romantic interest....that just does not happen all that often. Only once has that happend "at first sight".
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