First date in 2 years yikes!

[kourtney01]

I just got out of a 2 yr relationship with a guy that I was head over heels in love with but who couldn't bring himself to stop cheating on me. We were engaged. It's been very hard.

 

I finally took the initiative to move on and changed my number (so he would stop calling and begging me back). The SAME day I did that, I met this really attractive genuinely nice guy. There was great chemistry, we danced all night and even kissed when he walked me to my car. I felt over-whelemd with emotion...like I didn't know how to feel. I met him in the salsa commnunity, and since my ex and i are both salsa dancer, my ex found out right away from various people that I was already out dancing with another guy.

 

To top it off, it's only been a week and I'm already loosing interest. I feel like this guy is over the top. Too nice...compliments me every 5 seconds. .. there's no challenege. I love the way we dance however and really need a partner. In the same time I wonder if the only reason I'm turned off is because I'm so used to dating a jerk? Or is there such a thing as being 'too nice'? Or maybe I'm just not ready to meet anyone?

 

I didn't ask for this. We met by fluke but I don't want to screw up a good oportunity with a great guy...we went on a date last night and nothing felt right. I kept wondering how the heck did my loser ex manage to cheat on me so many times without getting this sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach that I just got from meeting a new guy so soon after the break up.

 

Is there something wrong with me? Meeting this guy has made me miss my ex even more...I don't know why because he's actually more successful, mature, honest and respectful than my ex and a way better dancer. They're both attractive.

 

The worst part is that EVERYONE in the salsa community saw us dancing the night that we met and there was obvious chemistry. I don't want to look like an idiot and I genuinely has such a good time with him that night so why didn't our first date feel the same? Why am I trying to run...?

Trying to make sense of all this...

Edited February 25, 2011 by kourtney01

[GivenUp0083]

You need to ask yourself "what do I want?"

 

Do you want a relationship where you are happy and treated well?

 

Or do you want to chase a jerk around and like the thrill of trying to win someone over? Maybe you like the drama (it's ok, everyone likes drama to a certain extent).

 

It depends on what you want. I don't think you want a good dude, you're not ready. You left the jerk for a reason, because you weren't happy, but it seems that's what you're attracted to so maybe you just need to accept that with your satisfaction of dating this type of guy, you'll just have to bite the bullet and deal with his mistreatment. Maybe after a while of jerk-dating you'll realize how great the other dude was.

 

As for compliments and being nice...that's normal. That's what good dudes do for girls they like. The don't treat them like ****. They try to make them feel special because decent women like that.

 

You need to be honest with the guy, tell him that you're not the type of girl that can appreciate a man of his nature, and that despite how great of a catch he is, you're not worthy for him because you don't know how to appreciate him. That way you will not waste his time and he can find a girl that does appreciate him. If you lead him on and keep him around for your own selfish reason (i.e. needing a dance partner) then you could burn him, and this would ruin him for the next girl because he could have baggage or bitterness after dating someone as low as you. That wouldn't be fair to the decent women out there, would it? Do the right thing, let him go.

 

Good luck with your jerk ex and future jerks you date. Hopefully you don't find one that abuses you or anything, just treats you ****ty enough while still staying within the confines of the law.

Edited February 25, 2011 by GivenUp0083

[heartshaped]

I just don't think you are ready for a relationship of any magnitude even something casual isn't something you can handle right now. Right now, you need to work on you and get yourself emotionally stable before dating anyone again. I'd just be honest with the guy and tell him just that- you've gotten out of a ltr and you aren't ready to date at this time.

 

I hope for your sake though you do realize your ex isn't going to change and you stay away from him and men like him.

[kourtney01]

You need to ask yourself "what do I want?"

 

Do you want a relationship where you are happy and treated well?

 

Or do you want to chase a jerk around and like the thrill of trying to win someone over? Maybe you like the drama (it's ok, everyone likes drama to a certain extent).

 

It depends on what you want. I don't think you want a good dude, you're not ready. You left the jerk for a reason, because you weren't happy, but it seems that's what you're attracted to so maybe you just need to accept that with your satisfaction of dating this type of guy, you'll just have to bite the bullet and deal with his mistreatment. Maybe after a while of jerk-dating you'll realize how great the other dude was.

 

As for compliments and being nice...that's normal. That's what good dudes do for girls they like. The don't treat them like ****. They try to make them feel special because decent women like that.

 

You need to be honest with the guy, tell him that you're not the type of girl that can appreciate a man of his nature, and that despite how great of a catch he is, you're not worthy for him because you don't know how to appreciate him. That way you will not waste his time and he can find a girl that does appreciate him. If you lead him on and keep him around for your own selfish reason (i.e. needing a dance partner) then you could burn him, and this would ruin him for the next girl because he could have baggage or bitterness after dating someone as low as you. That wouldn't be fair to the decent women out there, would it? Do the right thing, let him go.

 

Good luck with your jerk ex and future jerks you date. Hopefully you don't find one that abuses you or anything, just treats you ****ty enough while still staying within the confines of the law.

 

Maybe I should have madce myself more clear: I DO NOT LIKE DATING JERK. I was trying to say that I'm not used to having a nice, normal date with somneone...it's been years. And I'm trying to figure out if THAT is the reason why I felt so strange on our date, OR if it's because I'm not ready to see anyone right now.

 

I am very aware of how great of a guy he is which is why I mentioned that I don't want to ruin a great opportunity.

 

I'm just trying to make sense of why I feel the way I feel. I know I made the right decision leaving my ex for good...there's a lot of history there ... basically, had I known he was chetaing the entire time I would have left sooner...but he promised to change yadda yadda...same story you hear from every girl that's been cheated on. Doesn't make me low or deserving of that kind of treatment however.

[kourtney01]

I just don't think you are ready for a relationship of any magnitude even something casual isn't something you can handle right now. Right now, you need to work on you and get yourself emotionally stable before dating anyone again. I'd just be honest with the guy and tell him just that- you've gotten out of a ltr and you aren't ready to date at this time.

 

I hope for your sake though you do realize your ex isn't going to change and you stay away from him and men like him.

 

Do you know why that is? Why am I not ready? I really want to be! I wasn't expecting to feel sick to my stomach on our date after how great of a time we had the night that we met.

 

I didn't even miss my ex at all until last night...

 

I really don't want to be alone and let that cheater win because he had no problem meeting girls while we were still together...so why do I have a problem meeting guys now that we are broken up?

 

This really sucks.

[heartshaped]

Do you know why that is? Why am I not ready? I really want to be! I wasn't expecting to feel sick to my stomach on our date after how great of a time we had the night that we met.

 

I didn't even miss my ex at all until last night...

 

I really don't want to be alone and let that cheater win because he had no problem meeting girls while we were still together...so why do I have a problem meeting guys now that we are broken up?

 

This really sucks.

 

Unfortunately, you just need more time. Emotions can't be switched off like a light switch even when we want to treat them like that. It just isn't how it works. You need to be to the point where you don't miss your ex or get upset about the situation before you go on a date with someone else. It just wouldn't be fair to them or to yourself to put you in a situation that you aren't emotionally ready for.

 

He hasn't 'won'. He's lost you. I don't think you have a problem meeting guys at all- you met this attractive guy all on a fluke, but that doesn't mean you are ready to date.

 

I dated a guy for three years, got engaged, found out he cheated on me and then, when we tried to work things out I found out he was up to the same old thing. Maybe not cheating the second time, but doing shady stuff behind my back. So I know the position you are in. I know how this feels and I know how much you just want to get over this in a day and go on with your life.

 

But it doesn't work like that. Just give yourself some time and don't have any contact with him- that's the only way you can heal.

[GivenUp0083]

I am very aware of how great of a guy he is which is why I mentioned that I don't want to ruin a great opportunity.

 

Too nice...compliments me every 5 seconds. .. there's no challenege.

 

we went on a date last night and nothing felt right.

 

Meeting this guy has made me miss my ex even more...

 

You are being selfish. You don't like him, you said so yourself, look above, he even makes you think of your ex. You just know he'd be a great opportunity for OTHER WOMEN, not for you, so you're gonna hold on to him just in case you're ready someday for him.

 

I honestly hate girls like this, it's been done to me, and it sucks for the guy and I really hope this guy can see right through you at an early point and realizes he should run away.

 

You're selfish, you're emotionally unavailable, and you are focused more on what HE can offer you than what YOU can offer him in a relationship and that's the wrong way to go about it.

[kourtney01]

You are being selfish. You don't like him, you said so yourself, look above, he even makes you think of your ex. You just know he'd be a great opportunity for OTHER WOMEN, not for you, so you're gonna hold on to him just in case you're ready someday for him.

 

I honestly hate girls like this, it's been done to me, and it sucks for the guy and I really hope this guy can see right through you at an early point and realizes he should run away.

 

You're selfish, you're emotionally unavailable, and you are focused more on what HE can offer you than what YOU can offer him in a relationship and that's the wrong way to go about it.

 

Clearly there's lots of bitter men on here..

 

Perhaps it was done to you...but at some point you did it too because the fact of the matter is, noone dates with other people's feelings in mind...they date with their OWN feelings, interests and desires in mind! And sometimes your interests come at the expense of others' but we all watch out for number one!

 

I want honest advice only...from people that have been in my shoes so I can make sense of what's going on because this is my first date in YEARS..

 

Don't need bitter remarks from people that have been on the receiving end of rejection. Thank you!

 

The last thing I want to do is hurt this guy...and there's no harm in going on a few dates to see if I feel any different. At the end of the day EVERYONE takes a risk when dating...risk of rejection, risk of not being ineterested, risk of not being compatible etc etc etc

 

Anyhoo...if anyone has been in my shoes and can relate to what I'm feeling, I would appreciate some insight. I haven't dated in a long time and I think this guy is great but I can't figure out why i feel this way

[ALonerAgain]

I just got out of a 2 yr relationship with a guy that I was head over heels in love with but who couldn't bring himself to stop cheating on me. We were engaged. It's been very hard.

 

How long has it been since you broke up?

 

I finally took the initiative to move on and changed my number (so he would stop calling and begging me back). The SAME day I did that, I met this really attractive genuinely nice guy. There was great chemistry, we danced all night and even kissed when he walked me to my car. I felt over-whelemd with emotion...like I didn't know how to feel. I met him in the salsa commnunity, and since my ex and i are both salsa dancer, my ex found out right away from various people that I was already out dancing with another guy.

 

To top it off, it's only been a week and I'm already loosing interest. I feel like this guy is over the top. Too nice...compliments me every 5 seconds. .. there's no challenege. I love the way we dance however and really need a partner. In the same time I wonder if the only reason I'm turned off is because I'm so used to dating a jerk? Or is there such a thing as being 'too nice'? Or maybe I'm just not ready to meet anyone?

 

I didn't ask for this. We met by fluke but I don't want to screw up a good oportunity with a great guy...we went on a date last night and nothing felt right. I kept wondering how the heck did my loser ex manage to cheat on me so many times without getting this sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach that I just got from meeting a new guy so soon after the break up.

 

Is there something wrong with me? Meeting this guy has made me miss my ex even more...I don't know why because he's actually more successful, mature, honest and respectful than my ex and a way better dancer. They're both attractive.

 

The worst part is that EVERYONE in the salsa community saw us dancing the night that we met and there was obvious chemistry. I don't want to look like an idiot and I genuinely has such a good time with him that night so why didn't our first date feel the same? Why am I trying to run...?

Trying to make sense of all this...

 

 

Listen, you're still grieving. You feel 'bad' probably due to feeling guilty, maybe cos it's 'too soon' and because you're subconciously using this new guy to cover up your feelings for your ex. Yes, this new guy could well be your Prince Charming, but unless you actually properly deal with your feelings, it's not going to work out and it'll end up a big mess.

 

You don't need anyone to tell you this - you already know. Remember that sick feeling you're getting? That's your gut telling you that the situation (not necessarily the new guy) is inappropriate for you right now.

 

Does the new guy know about your situation with the ex?

Does he know you just broke off an engagement?

What are his intentions? He may be a 'nice' guy now but I bet you thought that about your ex in the beginning?

 

And who cares what anyone else thinks. So you had a good time dancing with someone other than your EX. givenUp might be being a tad harsh, but he made a very valid point:

 

What Do You Want?

 

Although, I would re-phrase that slightly to read, "What Do I Need?" as in 'what-do-I-need-to-do-to-heal-and-recover-myself-so-that-I-don't-end-up-getting-into-situations-I-can't-seem-to-handle-with-a-clear-head?.

[kourtney01]

How long has it been since you broke up?

 

Listen, you're still grieving. You feel 'bad' probably due to feeling guilty, maybe cos it's 'too soon' and because you're subconciously using this new guy to cover up your feelings for your ex. Yes, this new guy could well be your Prince Charming, but unless you actually properly deal with your feelings, it's not going to work out and it'll end up a big mess.

 

You don't need anyone to tell you this - you already know. Remember that sick feeling you're getting? That's your gut telling you that the situation (not necessarily the new guy) is inappropriate for you right now.

 

Does the new guy know about your situation with the ex?

Does he know you just broke off an engagement?

What are his intentions? He may be a 'nice' guy now but I bet you thought that about your ex in the beginning?

 

And who cares what anyone else thinks. So you had a good time dancing with someone other than your EX. givenUp might be being a tad harsh, but he made a very valid point:

 

What Do You Want?

 

Although, I would re-phrase that slightly to read, "What Do I Need?" as in 'what-do-I-need-to-do-to-heal-and-recover-myself-so-that-I-don't-end-up-getting-into-situations-I-can't-seem-to-handle-with-a-clear-head?.

 

WOW

 

Thank you for your input.

 

It has only been 2 weeks since the break-up. The thing is...it was a long time coming because I knew he was cheating again 2 months ago! I just never had any concrete proof up until 2 weeks ago when I ended the relationship. I thought this would be easier since I was prepparing for it since Christmas time.

Him and I worked SO HARD to overcome our past and move forward... I really thought that this time around was different or I never would have agreed to marry him! When I realised he was cheating again...I felt so hurt and betrayed. More so than the first time...that's why I don't understand why I can't bring myself to move on once the opportunity presents itself even though, up until I met this new guy, I felt fine. More angry than anything else. Now I can't stop crying...

 

And you're right...I thought my ex was a nice guy when I frist met him too...

 

This new guy KNOWS my entire situation and he is still trying to move forward with me a lot faster than I am comfortable. I actually had to clarify things fro him over the phone but I don't think he gets the point yet.

 

The weird thing is, when I met my ex he moved REALLY fast too...we fell in love so quickly and travelled Europe together after only knowing each other for a short period of time and moved in together right away too...

 

So I find it strange that with this new guy also moving a bit fast and telling me how much he likes me just like my ex did...I get turned off and uncomfortable right away.

 

I guess I'm just not ready.

[cerridwen]

Fabulously Strong Kourtney,

 

You've been through A LOT and the breakup is so recent, so you're right to slow your roll, girl .

 

Nothing good can come of dating right now.

In fact, you run the real risk of being driven back to the Ex.

You're above using someone as a rebound and your honesty with New Dude shows that.

 

There used to be a (unscientific) rule of thumb about breakups: For every year together, figure 3 months to get over the person.

While it's difficult to quantify heartbreak, what stands true is time is needed--plenty of time.

 

So, don't trip about being put off by this guy. You're simply healing.

It doesn't mean Ex won--don't try to compete with him.

He's a different kind of creature. He goes for stupid, shallow, ego-boosting encounters.

Consequently, that's all he'll ever have.

You're after something deep and meaningful and you'll find it by acting in accordance with your goals; namely, healing, learning your worth, and finding someone loyal, loving, fun, and as hawt as you.

 

Big hug. You've come a long way.

[ALonerAgain]

It has only been 2 weeks since the break-up. The thing is...it was a long time coming because I knew he was cheating again 2 months ago! I just never had any concrete proof up until 2 weeks ago when I ended the relationship. I thought this would be easier since I was prepparing for it since Christmas time.

 

Him and I worked SO HARD to overcome our past and move forward... I really thought that this time around was different or I never would have agreed to marry him! When I realised he was cheating again...I felt so hurt and betrayed. More so than the first time...that's why I don't understand why I can't bring myself to move on once the opportunity presents itself even though, up until I met this new guy, I felt fine. More angry than anything else. Now I can't stop crying...

 

It's hard because even though you knew what he was like it seems that you wanted so desperately to be proven wrong. You wanted to trust him. He broke your trust. You said yourself that you feel betrayed. That kind of hurt takes time to heal from, even though you were already aware of his behaviour for a few weeks (perhaps longer). You're still emotionally attached. Until you can truly sever those ties, your heart and head will be out-of-sync.

 

And you're right...I thought my ex was a nice guy when I frist met him too...

This new guy KNOWS my entire situation and he is still trying to move forward with me a lot faster than I am comfortable. I actually had to clarify things fro him over the phone but I don't think he gets the point yet.

 

And yet he's considered 'nice'?? What's so 'nice' about disrespecting your boundaries??

 

The weird thing is, when I met my ex he moved REALLY fast too...we fell in love so quickly and travelled Europe together after only knowing each other for a short period of time and moved in together right away too...

 

So I find it strange that with this new guy also moving a bit fast and telling me how much he likes me just like my ex did...I get turned off and uncomfortable right away.

 

One of the major reasons for having time to grieve after a relationship is to not only evaluate what went wrong, but to recognise any negative patterning. You've just identified a major red flag. It's up to you if you want to ignore it or take responsibility for the choices you've made/you'll make.

 

I guess I'm just not ready.

 

And that's really no bad thing at all. Take your time - choose wisely and if this new guy is still around at that time, then by all means go into it with your eyes open.

Edited February 27, 2011 by ALonerAgain