Author mbm69 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 The guy I was talking about. It ended pretty badly. He won't even talk to me now. And back way back when we were best friends. But people change and life marches on. We just gotta do the best we can do. :bunny: I find that sad, that it ended badly for you, especially considering that you were friends. I do hope that I can be friends with OM at some point. Because there was a good friendship 20 years ago that was muddled by getting involved back then. I think I'll eventually be able to be friends with him at some point. Not now, but eventually, yes... I truly believe it.
coffeeaddict Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Have you told your significant other about the affair?
Author mbm69 Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Have you told your significant other about the affair? Well, he doesn't know the whole story. He knows that we have seen each other, that we had a history in the past. I also told him I had unresolved feelings regarding OM. He doesn't know the extent of my attachment though and he doesn't know about the kissing part.
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Have you tried CBT to help you with your PTSD? (Cognitive behaviour therapy)..Don't give up! I LOVED Peter Krause in SFU. But I never watched Parenthood. It is on my list of series to watch now. I also want to get into Dexter now. But I think I'm going to start with Parenthood. Oh, you will love Parenthood, so many great actors and actresses on the show, very funny yet very intense at the same time. Dexter scares me!!
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I know I am responsible for my own happiness, or my own unhappiness. I had a major 'event' happen to me 3 years ago and have been dealing with PTSD ever since. Actually the 'event' is recurring so I can't get over the PTSD right now. I did IC for more than 18 months without any effect. Medication just made me numb. I know that my unhappiness is related to the PTSD which I can't get over. I did get support from my spouse in the beginning, but eventually he got tired of all the 'support' and has basically abandonned me. I do understand that it is mentally draining for him though. I just don't know how to get out of the spot i'm in. I've never had PTSD, so it's hard for me to imagine. I have some friends who struggle with it because they are in the military and have spent a lot of time in war zones. What I can say about it... is that those who cope better are the ones who get help. If yours is recurring... that is a situation you need to remove yourself from. You can continue to submit yourself to that... but it may cause permanent damage. Actually it sounds like it already has. I know if it was easy you would have already done it. You might have to make huge sacrifices... but maybe it would be worth it long term. I've been dealing with the fear of rejection for most of my life. My lack of confidence and my insecurity have always been my downfalls. You are not alone in that. Just a tip from my life. If you focus on treating other people well, and really try hard to be happy and content with what you have in life, while also working to change things for the better... for some reason the insecurity lessens. Confidence is another animal entirely. Physical fitness helps me more than anything with that. Yeah, I feel the guilt all right. And you are absolutely right that right now the rejection feelings are worse than the guilt. But I know it will come and haunt me later. No, I'm not a sociopath. I'm not the most emotionally stable individual in the world... but a sociopath no. I am not narcissic by nature, but did become so over the years... mostly because of the type of work I do. Over the years, I had to develop a sort of detachment from my job because I have obsessive tendencies and if I do not detach, I become overly invested in what I do. I think it's this detachment that I can do so well now that made me able to cross over the line Personally, the rejection isn't that bad. It's intense for a while but it does go away. The guilt doesn't feel like much at first, but builds over time. Suddenly you can't watch the cheater Lifetime movies anymore because you are now the bad guy/girl. Everything that reminds you of that time makes you feel 1 inch tall. It doesn't fade like the rejection. It builds in layer upon layer. If your SO starts really being nice... it piles on faster than you can imagine. Of course some people are immune. I think most of the MOW's on this site could easily be guilt-free serial killers provided enough motive. I hope your not like that.
findingnemo Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 YES, YES, YES. Absolutely. I have spent a lot of time thinking because of this reunion: what if I had done this, or what if I had done that? I have made so many bad decisions, mostly personal/professional decisions that have made my life miserable. And I have wished I could of gone back in time. Five, 10, 15 or even 20 years. I don't regret my kids. I absolutely do not. But I regret a lot of the circumstances that I have put myself in. And yes, definitely spending time with OM was so refreshing... and I did turn back time momentarily. And I got a glimpse of how my life could've been. I was out of town to get out of the city this week. I live in a large suburb of a large metropolitain area. One of my biggest regrets in life is living here. I HATE it here. I hate the city. I hate traffic. I hate crowds. Always have. But I moved here to be with my current SO, 17 years ago. Going back to my hometown this week... spending time in a small town... It was fantastic! And I spent only a few hours with OM. Three days were spent alone. When I came back to the city, I felt an intense wave of nausea. It just amplified how much I hate it here. But I have a life here which is ok. It took me a long time, but I have friends here now. My parents eventually moved here, and so did my brothers. So my family is here now. My kids are born and raised city kids... and my oldest would be less than happy to move. My youngest couldn't care less. mbm69, It seems like your whole world is falling apart and you've reached what I call "The Crossroad". You have to make decisions about your future and can no longer postpone those decisions. The heartache and illness is a manifestation of the need for change. From your older thread, I thought that you needed to leave SO and start a new life on your own. I can see that you want to deal with him later. In light of what I've read here, I think you have a bigger problem than SO. My advice to you is to not think your heartahce is about OM and/or SO. Your heartcahe is about you and your life. So why don't you sit down and make a list of pros and cons of your life as it is right now. Then resolve to sort out the cons. This exercise will get you 1) out of bed, 2) out of depression because you will actually being doing something you are interested in, and 3) will help you to understand where you are and how you have changed. Sometimes we keep going day by day and the wrong choices we made just keep piling up. We can ignore them for sometime, but at some point they become overwhelming and push to the surface. Be grateful that you haven't yet had a nervous breakdown - usually the last resort for your brain to tell you to stop whatever it is you're doing. ((((mbm69)))))
Heather1 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Suddenly you can't watch the cheater Lifetime movies anymore because you are now the bad guy/girl. That made me laugh, I know!! The "guilt free, serial killer" comment, not so much... Seem you have a whole lot of stresses all at the same time. Believe me, your kids will get older & you'll enjoy their company & it happens so quickly!! IC didn't work? There's these books I used to read about your brain (how not to turn into a serial killer after an A...ha,ha). Seriously though, there's one called "Brain Rules," another is "The Brain in Love." There's a selection of topics on hypnosisdownloads.com that really help w/ my days. It's just a more logical approach, instead of talk therapy. There's also (I might have the title wrong), "Living in the Now." A goal & something to look forward to helps a lot!! I picked up a great hobby, I absolutely love it!
Author mbm69 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 @findingnemo: I think you hit the nail smack on the head. I'm at a point where I have to reassess my life and do something about it. @Heather: my mom is a psychotherapist and I talked to her about my issues... surprisingly, she was very supportive of what I've been going through. She said that IC would be a waste of money for me: she thinks I have a lot of insight and am just in need of some changes in my life. But that IC won't help me figure out those changes. I think I know what kind of life changes I need to make. I'm not certain at all that they involve a change in spouse. I think they involve a career change, or at least a modification of how and where I work. I did a lot of brainstorming today and I think I may have found a project I would like to work on in the next couple of months that would lead me to a career change in a year or 2. Also, I pretty much figured that I need to move. Just getting my brain going today has helped me out. It certainly got my mind partially off of lots of things. I feel better this evening. I also decided I'm taking a 'technology' break. Deactivating my FB, and leaving my personal email behind as well as my cell phone, IM.... etc. My cell phone is going to be turned off from now on except for when I need it for emergencies. Tomorrow, I'm going back to yoga classes, even though I'm still sick. Going back to martial arts training this week as well. I feel better just feeling like I'm taking certain things under control. Let's just hope I'm on the right track.
coffeeaddict Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) Well, he doesn't know the whole story. He knows that we have seen each other, that we had a history in the past. I also told him I had unresolved feelings regarding OM. He doesn't know the extent of my attachment though and he doesn't know about the kissing part. I figured that might be the case. So he knows you and other guy have seen each other recently in some capacity, and he knows that you were once romantically involved, but that's a very different thing from knowing about passionate kissing. He knows enough to see red flags, but he doesn't know that an affair took place. The next question that comes to mind, do you plan on telling him? Edited February 28, 2011 by coffeeaddict
Author mbm69 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 I do intend on telling him. But I do want to wait til the dust settles. Right now, I couldn't handle his reaction regarding it all.
findingnemo Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 @findingnemo: I think you hit the nail smack on the head. I'm at a point where I have to reassess my life and do something about it. @Heather: my mom is a psychotherapist and I talked to her about my issues... surprisingly, she was very supportive of what I've been going through. She said that IC would be a waste of money for me: she thinks I have a lot of insight and am just in need of some changes in my life. But that IC won't help me figure out those changes. I think I know what kind of life changes I need to make. I'm not certain at all that they involve a change in spouse. I think they involve a career change, or at least a modification of how and where I work. I did a lot of brainstorming today and I think I may have found a project I would like to work on in the next couple of months that would lead me to a career change in a year or 2. Also, I pretty much figured that I need to move. Just getting my brain going today has helped me out. It certainly got my mind partially off of lots of things. I feel better this evening. I also decided I'm taking a 'technology' break. Deactivating my FB, and leaving my personal email behind as well as my cell phone, IM.... etc. My cell phone is going to be turned off from now on except for when I need it for emergencies. Tomorrow, I'm going back to yoga classes, even though I'm still sick. Going back to martial arts training this week as well. I feel better just feeling like I'm taking certain things under control. Let's just hope I'm on the right track. One step at a time. Sometimes I crave a break from technology too!! Good luck, mbm69. I think you are on the right track.
neveragain1 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 seeing as how your husband is the one that should truly be hurting, how about putting all your energy into him? I can see this isn't an option.
Author mbm69 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 Neveragain: I understand your bitterness because of your past experience, but you know nothing of me and your comments don't do anything to help my situation. If anything, it just makes matters worse right now.
kuma Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I have spent a lot of time thinking because of this reunion: what if I had done this, or what if I had done that? I have made so many bad decisions, mostly personal/professional decisions that have made my life miserable. And I have wished I could of gone back in time. Five, 10, 15 or even 20 years. I don't regret my kids. I absolutely do not. But I regret a lot of the circumstances that I have put myself in. You're not alone. We all make bad decisions. But if you keep dredging up past mistakes, it will only cause you more pain and unhappiness. I think you should stop filling your mind with negative thoughts.
neveragain1 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Neveragain: I understand your bitterness because of your past experience, but you know nothing of me and your comments don't do anything to help my situation. If anything, it just makes matters worse right now. all I said was that you should put your energy into your husband. and based on your responses, that isn't a consideration.
Author mbm69 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Hey everyone... I have so much appreciated reading everyone's comments. It has really gave me food for thought, even those that I have found bitter. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past week. I guess that was to be expected. I am trying to come to terms with everything that has gone on in the last few months. I have come to a few conclusions: 1) SO isn't perfect. I ain't either. We have 2 young kids together. SO IS my best friend. I can't tell him the whole story about OM, because I think him not knowing is preferable... He would be very very hurt if he knew. I know a lot of people won't agree with this strategy, but I think I have to live with the guilt. He doesn't deserve to be the brunt of it. Some things are better left untold. 2) I was never in love with OM. Infatuated, yes. In love, no. He was just an escape from a deep deep dissatisfaction with my life. 3) I cannot keep living the way I live. My job... The city... I will not live 10 years if I continue on the path I'm on. Me and SO have talked a lot in the last week or so. He is need of change as well. I need to breathe some life into me, into my routine. I'm shooting in different directions right now. Looking into possibly a career change. A job change. A move to a smaller city. But everything is being discussed with my spouse. In that sense, WE are looking into bettering OUR life together and I guess I am putting my relationship with him on the frontline. I broke NC with OM. I shouldn't have but I did and it was a mistake. I wanted to make peace saying that I was ok being friends, that I was definitely moving on. He told me his new GF didn't want him talking or seeing me. It's either the truth OR a front because he doesn't want the friendship. Either way, I will be respecting his wishes now. So I guess it's case closed on this front. I guess it's for the best.
neveragain1 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Suddenly you can't watch the cheater Lifetime movies anymore because you are now the bad guy/girl. That made me laugh, I know!! oh yall can watch them, you just can't yell at the screen venting at the cheater on the show (well ya can, but it would be hypocritical)
neveragain1 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Hey everyone... I have so much appreciated reading everyone's comments. It has really gave me food for thought, even those that I have found bitter. awwww *sniff*
Author mbm69 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 awwww *sniff* Don't be sad... I did say it was helpful
neveragain1 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Don't be sad... I did say it was helpful no sadness here. sadness would have been if I stayed with the wench.
wheelwright Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I'm so heartbroken. I know I should be out and doing things to get my mind off OM... i've been sick for the last 2 weeks and just don,t have the energy to do anything. I haven't been eating, been sleeping too much. I feel so much pain... I don't remember heartbreak being so painful when I was younger. I never want to go through this ever again. Any advice on how to get past this... and especially respect NC in the process??? I am sorry for your heartbreak. My immediate answer is WTF 2 weeks? It takes time. More so if you loved and it's not ego making you feel bad. If you loved, then expect it to last until you fall in love again, or until you settle for someone who takes your mind off it. If you didn't, then the world's your plaything. You'll manage very well.
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