How long does it take for the pain to go away?

[mbm69]

I'm so heartbroken.

 

I know I should be out and doing things to get my mind off OM... i've been sick for the last 2 weeks and just don,t have the energy to do anything. I haven't been eating, been sleeping too much. I feel so much pain...

 

I don't remember heartbreak being so painful when I was younger. I never want to go through this ever again.

 

Any advice on how to get past this... and especially respect NC in the process???

[neveragain1]

I'm so heartbroken.

 

I know I should be out and doing things to get my mind off OM... i've been sick for the last 2 weeks and just don,t have the energy to do anything. I haven't been eating, been sleeping too much. I feel so much pain...

 

I don't remember heartbreak being so painful when I was younger. I never want to go through this ever again.

 

Any advice on how to get past this... and especially respect NC in the process???

 

seeing as how your husband is the one that should truly be hurting, how about putting all your energy into him?

[ladydesigner]

I'm so heartbroken.

 

I know I should be out and doing things to get my mind off OM... i've been sick for the last 2 weeks and just don,t have the energy to do anything. I haven't been eating, been sleeping too much. I feel so much pain...

 

I don't remember heartbreak being so painful when I was younger. I never want to go through this ever again.

 

Any advice on how to get past this... and especially respect NC in the process???

 

I don't think there really is a time limit on how we get through pain, as every person and situation is different.

 

For myself, and I am almost 2 1/2 years out, there is no more pain. When I look back at how I was treated upon ending, that still causes me slight pain, but not for very long.

 

You just have to go through it. It comes in waves, some bigger than others. Eventually it becomes less and less.

 

Keeping busy, focusing on what was negative about my XAP (why we never would have worked), and redirecting my thoughts really helped.

 

There is no easy fix and I understand your pain. Hang in there. Reading and posting on LS has been a godsend for me.

[Heather1]

Drag yourself out of bed!!! Take a shower & put on some cool tunes to dance around the house to!! Get out of the house!!

 

I just posted on another thread to do 2 things a day (i'm stealing that from somewhere else) to make yourself happy. I've been swimming & it makes me feel a lot better. I did a swim workout the other day w/ a group & I didn't think about it the whole time (was hoping just to make it across the pool & not come in last). You gotta get out of your house though!! Can you bundle yourself up & just go to a movie?

 

Free time is not your friend right now.

 

Oh, the reason why it's so much harder is because when you date you both make the choice it's not working w/ a lot of no hard feelings. The R never plays itself out.

 

The other good thing about swimming is you have no access to your cell

[mbm69]

I did take a shower. Doing laundry now and cooking lunch for the kids (who cannot stop fighting and they are driving me crazy!!!!). I need a few hours to myself... all by myself to do something I want without the kids driving me insane.

 

My kids are on spring break this week. My oldest was on a ski trip Monday thru Wednesday and I went skiing with my youngest Monday thru Wednesday. But when my kids are together they don't get along at all, and they have very different interests which makes it tough to do stuff with them.

 

It's making me feel even more resentful towards my life right now.

[Heather1]

Do you work (outside the home)? Staying home w/ kids is the hardest thing to do!!

 

Do you have any nearby friends or family that can watch your kids so you can go to a movie or spa? Or are your kids old enough to stay home alone (and not kill eachother?) You do need a break, something to take your mind off of everything.

[mbm69]

I usually work, but I'm off work this week because of spring break. No one around to watch the kids so I can do other stuff. And they are a little young for me to go off on my own for more than 45 minutes.

[Owl]

Well, I'm asking because this does affect the HOW you try to deal with all the pain...

 

I missed it in your other thread...but does your H know about your affair? Does he know that it's ended, and that you're going through this grieving process now?

 

What are you doing to fix things in that relationship? Do you intend to stay married, or divorce?

 

I ask, because trying to focus on fixing that relationship can help you "get over" the end of this relationship. Or dealing with ending your marriage can help you "get over" dealing with the end of the affair.

[flowergirl77]

For me-the intensity lessened after about 6 weeks, but I am still not completely 'over it' after 3 months NC. It gets easier, and that intense craving to see, and talk to OM will lessen with time. BUT if you break NC-you are back at square one. Even a phone call, or hearing about him through someone else will set back your healing progress. Been where you are...totally sucks. There is no easy way through it IMO.

[starlight102]

I'm so heartbroken.

 

I know I should be out and doing things to get my mind off OM... i've been sick for the last 2 weeks and just don,t have the energy to do anything. I haven't been eating, been sleeping too much. I feel so much pain...

 

I don't remember heartbreak being so painful when I was younger. I never want to go through this ever again.

 

Any advice on how to get past this... and especially respect NC in the process???

 

I'm so sorry that you are hurting like this.

 

I apologize, but I don't know your whole story, but I take it from what you wrote that this the NC is something that your MM requested?

 

Please be sure to start taking care of yourself......that's very, very important. It's probably the most important advice I can give you right now. I know you're in pain and don't want to do anything, but please try to even if you start doing little things at first.

[Mrs. Jones]

Hello mbm69,

 

It took me about 6 weeks for the clouds to start lifting. I am sorry you are going through this, as it is very painful. I too did not eat or sleep for weeks.

 

When I first came to LS, I took the advice of many who mentioned to feel the pain and to not suppress it or dismiss it. My husband knew I would grieve, but I did not do this in front of him. I did it on my lunch hours, drives home from work, or in bed.

 

At some point you stop the crying, and start the healing and moving forward. I still think about him constantly, and I know it will take a long while to get over what we shared. But it does get better with time. It’s been 3 months since he went NC. I honored it, but he broke that with me a couple of weeks ago (I knew he would, but did not expect it so soon). You do start from square one once it’s broken, but I feel stronger than I did the first time around and am continuing my healing and NC.

 

If you feel you want to break the NC, write or journal. I wrote so much and it helped a great deal. When I look back on some of my thoughts, it’s hard to believe I was feeling what I did at the time and was glad I did not express it verbally. It will also help you in the healing process as it documents your progress.

 

Good luck to you. I promise, it will get better…be strong. Time is your friend.

[Mrs. Jones]

seeing as how your husband is the one that should truly be hurting, how about putting all your energy into him?

 

Everyone hurts in this situation. Each relationship is unique and we all take care in our own ways.

 

I know for me I had no energy, and it was up to my husband to let me know what he needed…whether it was to talk or be alone. That was up to him and I tried to respect what his needs were. It’s not fair to assume this is not happening with mbm69.

[whichwayisup]

I'm so heartbroken.

 

I know I should be out and doing things to get my mind off OM... i've been sick for the last 2 weeks and just don,t have the energy to do anything. I haven't been eating, been sleeping too much. I feel so much pain...

 

I don't remember heartbreak being so painful when I was younger. I never want to go through this ever again.

 

Any advice on how to get past this... and especially respect NC in the process???

 

Being sick or having PMS/period time just makes everything else feel worse and magnifed 100x worse.

 

Write it out. Journal your feelings and thoughts, it'll help you.

 

Exercise and being around good friends and family, make sure to laugh about something stupid/silly daily.

 

Sorry you're hurting. It'll get better as time goes on, just might take abit to get there..But you will! Each hour/day/week that goes by you will get stronger even if you don't feel it. Make a big deal of it! fact that you haven't caved, is good!

[Quiet Storm]

Try allowing yourself a certain allotted time to grieve.

 

Tell yourself- I will allow myself to grieve and cry from 5-7, or something similar.

 

Fill the rest of the day with work, activities, exercise, etc.

 

You do have power over your emotions. You should ackowledge the feelings, give yourself time to sit with them and feel, but also move on with your life.

 

You don't have to let your feelings consume you.

[Heather1]

How are you doing today??

 

I agree w/ the allotting yourself time a day to grieve. Spend time on here, journal & then try to do something fun! There's no miracle cure or pill (well, there is & maybe that would help for awhile?) You need something to look forward to & are excited about.

 

One time, during a lengthy NC, I cleaned out my kitchen & my H & I went & bought all new pots & pans, dishes, silverware. It was something to try & re-bond w/ my H.

 

Just by it's nature, I think the NC creates a grief & yearning like no other & since it's an A, it's not like you can call a GF on the phone like other R.

 

Hope you have a better day!

[mbm69]

I'm still sick, and lots of people around me are starting to get worried. I think the sick part is amplified by all the crying i've been doing at night when everyone is asleep. I look really really bad... lack of sleep, crying and being sick will do that to you.

 

Didn't help that last night I finished the series Six Feet Under (that OM had lent me btw... maybe that wasn't such a good idea) and that the ending made me cry my eyes out.

 

Today i'm cleaning, doing laundry, picking up after the kids. SO is here and is doing the same.

 

To those who don't know my story... quickly... I reconnected with an old flame from my University years a couple of months ago via facebook (he contacted me). Initially catching up, it turned into an EA then a PA (minus the sex part... but lots of passionate kissing). He has since met another woman and has 'dumped' me. I have been with my SO (not married) for 17 years, 2 kids (10 and 7) and this is my first affair. I was ready to throw my whole life away for this guy. I loved him when I was 20 and still love him today. We had dinner together last Sunday (he hugged me and kissed me), said he loved me, but that we needed to be just friends. I decided then and there that I needed to go NC if I was ever to get over him again (he dumped me 20 years ago and I did well with NC then). But the attachment is much more deeply seated this time around than 20 years ago.

 

To answer the question about what I'm going to do with my SO. I honestly don't know right now. I was out of town at the beginning of the week (which is why I saw OM who lives about 150 miles away) and my SO texted me lots of sweet messages while I was gone. If only he were that sweet all the time, and not only when I am away from home I am definitely not in love with him anymore although I care very deeply for him. He's my best friend. This affair made me realize that I'm not IN love with him. I think I need to let the fog settle before I can make life altering decisions. But I know I'm going to have to make changes in my life if I want to be happy. I wouldn't of fallen for OM if I was happy.

 

Nothing planned on the agenda for today. The kids don't want to do anything, and neither does SO. And I,m too sick to do anything.

 

Actually, I'm glad I'll be going back to work on Monday. That will help.

[whichwayisup]

I cried at the ending of six feet under too. I loved that show.. Do you watch Parenthood? Peter Krause is in that one..He's adorable!

 

You need to see the Dr, so if you're not better by the weekend, please go on Monday!

 

Sorry, I can't remember, does your SO know about your A?

[Untouchable_Fire]

To answer the question about what I'm going to do with my SO. I honestly don't know right now. I was out of town at the beginning of the week (which is why I saw OM who lives about 150 miles away) and my SO texted me lots of sweet messages while I was gone. If only he were that sweet all the time, and not only when I am away from home I am definitely not in love with him anymore although I care very deeply for him. He's my best friend. This affair made me realize that I'm not IN love with him. I think I need to let the fog settle before I can make life altering decisions. But I know I'm going to have to make changes in my life if I want to be happy. I wouldn't of fallen for OM if I was happy.

 

If what you are saying is true then you expect your SO or OM or some other guy to MAKE you happy. Your happiness is completely derived from a man. Are you such an emotional pit that this is true? I doubt it.

 

Second, no guy is going to be sweet all the time. The sweet should be balanced with other things. We can't live on sugar alone... it isn't healthy.

 

So, your basically dealing with 2 emotional issues. First you are dealing with rejection. It hurts your self esteem and can make it a struggle to move on, but in the end you have to learn how to deal with that. You can't live in fear of rejection and you can't take it too personally. This will take a long time for you to deal with.

 

Second, you are dealing with guilt. Right now you can handle it by telling yourself how unhappy your SO made you. Yes, if he is a rotten SOB, then you can feel somewhat justified in doing what you did. You will have to overcome this lie. Whatever faults your SO has.... he didn't drag you into an EA and then dump you for something prettier. Does that mean he couldn't? I doubt it... chances are he could get a prettier, smarter, more faithful woman any day... but he chooses you. Maybe you feel that makes him MORE of an idiot... I don't know. Either way your are going to have to come to grips with this. Either lie to yourself and pretend he is the worst man in the world... or admit fault and work to overcome it.

 

Honestly, unless you are kind of sociopathic... as you overcome the rejection the guilt will be more and more powerful. Some people get over this in a month, others require years.

 

Best of Luck!

[Heather1]

work will help keep your mind off of stuff. Right now, it's just going to be a one day (or minute) @ a time thing. Is that your choice not to be M? Maybe it's just because of the situation, but you sound miserable. The stress is manifesting itself into illness for you, you need to do something about that part ASAP.

 

What can you do today to take your power back? New shoes? watch Zoolander? Go read a book in a coffee shop?

[Waitress]

I think that the renewed relationship might have brought up a lot of issues for you that (maybe??) you hoped falling in love again would resolve?

 

When we get together 20 years later with someone we knew during our formative years we can't help but do an inventory of the time since then and what we have and have not done. Around our 40s is a natural time to think about our lives anyway.

 

So, maybe you saw him as a sort of fresh start or salvation? And maybe now you're mourning the loss of that possibility as much as the loss of him? It was probably a little like you got to go back and do things over. Not just with him but with your adult life.

 

That is what happened to me when I got back in touch with an old flame. And it didn't work out. I think we each were so broken and we were both hoping to be back face-to-face with the fresh-faced other person we remembered.

 

Not that this happened to you. But there are a lot of emotions involved with a reunion like the one you went through. And there is the added drama of reckoning with a man you've been with for a decade and a half but never married. Two children with that man.

 

Yeah, there's a lot to figure out. But I hazard to guess it's more about you and your feelings about your life than a great love for this guy. Maybe???

[mbm69]

If what you are saying is true then you expect your SO or OM or some other guy to MAKE you happy. Your happiness is completely derived from a man. Are you such an emotional pit that this is true? I doubt it.

 

I know I am responsible for my own happiness, or my own unhappiness.

 

I had a major 'event' happen to me 3 years ago and have been dealing with PTSD ever since. Actually the 'event' is recurring so I can't get over the PTSD right now. I did IC for more than 18 months without any effect. Medication just made me numb. I know that my unhappiness is related to the PTSD which I can't get over. I did get support from my spouse in the beginning, but eventually he got tired of all the 'support' and has basically abandonned me. I do understand that it is mentally draining for him though. I just don't know how to get out of the spot i'm in.

 

So, your basically dealing with 2 emotional issues. First you are dealing with rejection. It hurts your self esteem and can make it a struggle to move on, but in the end you have to learn how to deal with that. You can't live in fear of rejection and you can't take it too personally. This will take a long time for you to deal with.

 

I've been dealing with the fear of rejection for most of my life. My lack of confidence and my insecurity have always been my downfalls.

 

Second, you are dealing with guilt. Right now you can handle it by telling yourself how unhappy your SO made you. Yes, if he is a rotten SOB, then you can feel somewhat justified in doing what you did. You will have to overcome this lie. Whatever faults your SO has.... he didn't drag you into an EA and then dump you for something prettier. Does that mean he couldn't? I doubt it... chances are he could get a prettier, smarter, more faithful woman any day... but he chooses you. Maybe you feel that makes him MORE of an idiot... I don't know. Either way your are going to have to come to grips with this. Either lie to yourself and pretend he is the worst man in the world... or admit fault and work to overcome it.

 

Honestly, unless you are kind of sociopathic... as you overcome the rejection the guilt will be more and more powerful. Some people get over this in a month, others require years.

 

Yeah, I feel the guilt all right. And you are absolutely right that right now the rejection feelings are worse than the guilt. But I know it will come and haunt me later. No, I'm not a sociopath. I'm not the most emotionally stable individual in the world... but a sociopath no. I am not narcissic by nature, but did become so over the years... mostly because of the type of work I do. Over the years, I had to develop a sort of detachment from my job because I have obsessive tendencies and if I do not detach, I become overly invested in what I do. I think it's this detachment that I can do so well now that made me able to cross over the line

[mbm69]

So, maybe you saw him as a sort of fresh start or salvation? And maybe now you're mourning the loss of that possibility as much as the loss of him? It was probably a little like you got to go back and do things over. Not just with him but with your adult life.

 

Yeah, there's a lot to figure out. But I hazard to guess it's more about you and your feelings about your life than a great love for this guy. Maybe???

 

YES, YES, YES. Absolutely.

 

I have spent a lot of time thinking because of this reunion: what if I had done this, or what if I had done that? I have made so many bad decisions, mostly personal/professional decisions that have made my life miserable. And I have wished I could of gone back in time. Five, 10, 15 or even 20 years. I don't regret my kids. I absolutely do not. But I regret a lot of the circumstances that I have put myself in.

 

And yes, definitely spending time with OM was so refreshing... and I did turn back time momentarily. And I got a glimpse of how my life could've been.

 

I was out of town to get out of the city this week. I live in a large suburb of a large metropolitain area. One of my biggest regrets in life is living here. I HATE it here. I hate the city. I hate traffic. I hate crowds. Always have. But I moved here to be with my current SO, 17 years ago.

 

Going back to my hometown this week... spending time in a small town... It was fantastic! And I spent only a few hours with OM. Three days were spent alone. When I came back to the city, I felt an intense wave of nausea. It just amplified how much I hate it here. But I have a life here which is ok. It took me a long time, but I have friends here now. My parents eventually moved here, and so did my brothers. So my family is here now. My kids are born and raised city kids... and my oldest would be less than happy to move. My youngest couldn't care less.

[mbm69]

I cried at the ending of six feet under too. I loved that show.. Do you watch Parenthood? Peter Krause is in that one..He's adorable!

 

You need to see the Dr, so if you're not better by the weekend, please go on Monday!

 

Sorry, I can't remember, does your SO know about your A?

 

I LOVED Peter Krause in SFU. But I never watched Parenthood. It is on my list of series to watch now.

 

I also want to get into Dexter now. But I think I'm going to start with Parenthood.

[Quiet Storm]

I wouldn't of fallen for OM if I was happy.

 

 

It is not your SO's responsibility to make you happy. It comes from within. Do things that you enjoy. Be happy regardless of the status of your love life.

 

Also, it is completely normal to be attracted to others. It does not mean you are with the wrong person. Just because you are married does not mean you are no longer human.

 

Those feelings of attraction for OM would have passed- but you assigned importance to them. You fed those feelings.

 

You can feed the relationship with your husband, just like with OM.

[Waitress]

YES, YES, YES. Absolutely.

 

I have spent a lot of time thinking because of this reunion: what if I had done this, or what if I had done that? I have made so many bad decisions, mostly personal/professional decisions that have made my life miserable. And I have wished I could of gone back in time. Five, 10, 15 or even 20 years. I don't regret my kids. I absolutely do not. But I regret a lot of the circumstances that I have put myself in.

 

And yes, definitely spending time with OM was so refreshing... and I did turn back time momentarily. And I got a glimpse of how my life could've been.

 

I was out of town to get out of the city this week. I live in a large suburb of a large metropolitain area. One of my biggest regrets in life is living here. I HATE it here. I hate the city. I hate traffic. I hate crowds. Always have. But I moved here to be with my current SO, 17 years ago.

 

Going back to my hometown this week... spending time in a small town... It was fantastic! And I spent only a few hours with OM. Three days were spent alone. When I came back to the city, I felt an intense wave of nausea. It just amplified how much I hate it here. But I have a life here which is ok. It took me a long time, but I have friends here now. My parents eventually moved here, and so did my brothers. So my family is here now. My kids are born and raised city kids... and my oldest would be less than happy to move. My youngest couldn't care less.

 

I know just how you feel. Really, I do. Not that I have been in the same exact situation but all those regrets! OY!

 

It might take some time for you to work through this. But look at it as a wake-up call to take stock of your life. It sounds like that is just what you are doing. None of us lead completely "tidy" lives. And I think you know you were looking for answers in all the wrong places and ways. We ALL do that at times. Nobody here is angelic or perfect 100% of the time. Really.

 

The guy I was talking about. It ended pretty badly. He won't even talk to me now. And back way back when we were best friends. But people change and life marches on. We just gotta do the best we can do. :bunny: