I thought he was the one....

[kiwi29f]

OK, my husband and i seperated a few months ago, we've been having problems for years and i finally got up the courage to tell him i wanted out. A few weeks later I ran into an old high school friend i'll call "bob", i was friends with him and his sister, he's 2 years older than i am. His sister died in a car accident in high school and he disappeared and moved back up north where he was from. This was 10 years ago...I had always wondered what happened to him and I found him on facebook. We started talking and the first night we talked on the phone we talked for 5 hours...and every day after that we would talk anywhere from 4-6 hours (on and off) every day after work. now my husband still lives in my house altho we are seperated and he sleeps on the couch, we both do out own thing and we even are doing the every other weekend with the kids. (just a small back story on this) I dont consider talking to "bob" cheating bc theres no chance of reconsiliation, its been over for year we just finally made it official. Well "bob" lives about 2 hours away and one night he asked me to come up, i didn't have the kids so i did, needless to say we hit it off even more in person than we did over the phone. Things started getting serious pretty fast after this. We had such an strong emotional connection...something I've never felt with anyone, not even my soon to be ex-h. He would go back and forth about talking to me bc he was "falling" for me and i was married, even tho we are seperated it bothers him. and I kept telling him if thats how he feels i understand and we can stop tlalking til after he moves out or the divorce which ever he's more comfortable with, but he would always say that he didn't want to stop talking to me, that he thinks it would drive him crazy not to talk to me for a day.

Let me give you a small history about "Bob"...hes one of those artsy, depressive not quite emo but he has his moments. He has Post Tramatic Stress Disorder and high anxiaty and severe depression. A few years ago his uncle was involved in a murder and he saw the body and went to the police, got the 3 people involved put in jail, the actualy murder trail is coming up in a few months and he's had death threats against him saying if he testified they would kill him, he's been stabbed while walking in the grocery store. He does have alot on his plate and i understand that and have tried to support him and I had planned on being there for him through his hard times.

 

Ok back to the original thing, each time I'd go visit him he would be extremely depressed the day after I left. and i guess this should have told me something...well the weekend b4 last i went up there and spent the whole weekend with him, it was amazing, we had so many serious and deep conversations, he's 30 yrs old and never been married and doesn't have any kids but wants kids one day. He told me he loved me and he wanted to start a family with me one day, that every since his sister died he couldn't get close to anyone and he'd alway push them away, but i was different, i knew his sister and was friends with her, i loved her and his sister would "approve" of me. he just couldn't see him pushing me away. I was on cloud 9, I fell head over heels in love with him, i didn't know I could feel this way again, I thought that part of me was dead. well when I had to leave Sunday he was pretty upset and didn't wantme to leave. i talked to him on valentines day and he said he missed me..i went to see him tuesday but he was hung over and wasn't feeling well so i didn't stay long...wednesday he called me and said we needed to talk about our relationship.

He went on to tell me he thought we needed to end things bc i was still married and he couldn't handle things. It completely broke my heart, I dont remember ever feeling pain like this before, it literally felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. Fast Forward to this past wednesday...I had left some clothes and a few other things at his house and he called me and told me he was coming to town and he would bring my stuff, when he got in town he called and told me he was in town so i told him I'd come the next day. sigh....I went over there yesterday..now i haven't seen or talked to him since the "break up" and i wanted a better explination than what i got. so we talked about 30 mintues and he basically told me that it was too hard on him not being able to see me and he kept thinking about me having to go home to my husband (again we're seperated and looking for him a place of his own that he can afford) I asked him if he ment all the things he said and he said yes his feelings haven't changed but with the murder trail coming up, problems at home (oh did i mention his grandmother has pretty much disowned him bc of all this bs altho if he wouldn't have talked he could have went to jail as an accomplis to murder when he was nowhere around when it happened, he was at home at his moms house and just happened to walk outside when his uncle got there and saw the body) and bills piling up, his best friend had nowhere to go so moved in and then his "girl" is still married and we had to keep the relationship a secret until after the divorce and it was just too much for him.

I get all that and its still so hard to even think about what we had and what we could have had...I'm so sad I haven't been able to sleep or eat. I've been putting on a happy face for my kids and breaking down at night. And then I asked him if he thought we'd eventually be ok again and be able to be friends at least bc i didn't want to loose him completely and he wouldn't say anything so I said so thats a no? he was like its just so hard...so thats pretty much it...I just can't understand how..if you say you love someone you can just completely cut them out of your life just like that. I understand he's got alot going on but i do too, I understand he's depressed and altho i can't really understand that bc i've never been a depressive person i wanted to be there for him and help him through his issues. I'm so heartbroken and know i need to just forget about him but i just dont think i can. I love him, am I being unrational thinking this could have worked? i wish this wouldn't have happened until after the divorce but it didn't but we ARE seperated and fixing to go through a divorce. i'm just so sad and I miss him so much, ive never fell so hard for someone and going from talking for 4-6 hours every day to absolutly no contact has been so hard for me. Why doesn't it seem hard on him? Was i "played" or does he in fact have too much going on and he couldn't handle it with him having severe depression and anxiaty? Please help me understand alittle more so i can try to get over this :-(

[Duckduckgoose]

Sounds like the timing might be right to work things out with you H. You didn't mention what kind of problems ya'll had been having. Are you both willing to put the effort into solving them?

 

You've seen that the grass isn't greener with "Bob".

 

Pray about it or ask a pastor or counselor, they will lead you down the right path of what to do.

 

Dealing with rejection is super hard when you are going through a divorce too, you have my sympathy with that.

 

But girl, you gotta get your head on straight before you can start dating other men... I am dealing with the SAME THING right now and it's not easy but you gotta do what's right.

[Nexus One]

This is a long shot, but there's a chance they're going to put him in a witness protection program. He HAS had death threats made against him and he HAS been stabbed. If the police that are handling his case have a brain, then they're going to offer to put him into a witness protection program. Perhaps he knows this and knows that while you are not separated yet he can't take you with him into his new life. But that's a really long shot.

[kiwi29f]

Duckduckgoose- No theres no change for my and my H to reconcile, I've been trying for year and he's got alcohol issues and granted he's been doing better since the seperation theres just no feelings left there. I feel like I've tried for too long to make it work, We've been married for 8 1/2 yrs, and been unhappy for 6 of those years,he's cheated on me twice years ago, hes an alcoholic, he has an obsession with golf where he was playing so much he was only seeing our kids for about 15-30 min before bedtime every night, so only about 2-3 hours a week, I'm just done, I dont want to be unhappy for the rest of my life and my kids deserve to be in a happy household. and I know i need to get my head right and i def didn't mean for this to happen, I had no intentions of dating until the divorce was over but it just happened and now I love him and it hurts, i didn't even feel this much pain when i walked in on my H cuddling in bed with another woman.

 

Nexus One...idk abt the witness protection program, i hope he is put in one and the whole situation is crazy and he's such a good person. he hasn't said anything to me abt them doing that and not sure if he would be able too, he did tell me once the trail started he may not be able to talk to me and he might have to go away while the trail was going on and he was legally gagged but i thought it was just bc he wasn't allowed to talk abt the trail while it was going on. so idk...it still hurts bc i fell in love with him and if that was the case i would hope he wuldn't have started anything with me and especially told me he loved me and then do this. :-(