Still strugling

[LostAllHope]

( sorry - many typos! plight not plaight!)

 

Also - I am NOT in the looking-for-a-man mode and quite in the opposite field now - prefer my own company.

I've also dumped and told an old (male) buddy to F**** O** - he's going through a bad patch in his 25 year ols marriage and - naturally!) assumes that I am a discrete, safe, sex machine who will (naturally!) provide the place ( mine!) and time ( at the times that suit him! Of course!). If he dealt with his marriage he'd be happier but of course - he'd rather just look for the nearest (NOT)available female to bed. Sad sad man.

 

men don't get the F*** O** message - but trust me I'm happier dealing with dumping a buddy-who-wants-sex-for-free than with the ridiculous expectations said childhood (male) buddy has of me!

 

Men. AVOIDABLE.

 

I can feel your pain in your response here, WillowTheW!

 

Fact is, men react 100% different than women to most situations, you know that.

 

[tojaz]

It's so frustrating! Why do you guys keep telling me I am not meeting anyone, not moving on through my own doing? Gallon, I am not wearing my hurt on my sleeve and I am daring to dream of a new future, that's the problem, I get upset and hurt again because the future is not happening.

 

What I have been trying to express is that I am doing everything I can possibly do to make a better future for myself. Part of my dream for my future is to find a husband to share it with. There is nothing wrong with wanting that, I am not trying to find my happiness in someone else, it is perfectly NORMAL to want a spouse and a family, it is normal not to want to be alone, we were not made to be single creatures, if we were no one would bother with romantic relationships at all, after all look at the risk of hurt we all take! I am not desperate for a man, if I were I could have kept on dating either of the two guys I have dated, both wanted me, both asked for a relationship with me, I decided not to date them for very good reasons, if I were desperate or on the rebound I would have gone for anyone! My IC has told me that I am healthy, I have moved on, I have let go and am ready to find a new relationship. I am just trying to convey that I am finding it difficult because I do not seem to be getting anywhere.

 

I am doing everything I can, but unlike FL98 or any of the rest of you, Debtman 3 women interested, lucky you, Tojaz, Broken, Lupa, MayI, it's not working for me. I would love to be able to leave LS and go off and be happy with a new partner then pop back at some point and post an update about how great things are and how there is hope for a better life. But these updates aren't an accurate refelction of the reality for everyone. It doesn't happen that way for everyone, it's not happened for me. Reading these updates and then posts here on this thread just make me feel like a failure, like because it's worked out for everyone else, everyone assumes that it must in some way be my fault. I am too desperate or wearing my pain on my sleeve and turning guys off.

 

Why is it so difficult for you to beleive that perhaps I am presenting an accurate description and that perhaps I am doing everything you guys did but am getting a different outcome? Is it because to do that involves accepting the reality that perhaps there isn't hope for some of us?

 

What you are doing to me is like saying to someone who has been left that it was their fault their spouse left them because they must have been XY or Z. You're telling me it's my fault I am unhappy and unable to find a relationship because I must be doing something to turn guys off!

 

WHY? WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT? HAVEN'T I SUFFRERED ENOUGH? Is that what you all want me to think? That I am so rubbish guys can sense it? I am so damaged no one wants me? I am so unhappy and I deserve to be?

Willow (if your still reading) and everyone else.

There is no step by step guide Willow. There is nothing that you can do, say, add, etc. that is going to help you get over it...... you don't. Thats just the way it is. People move on, find other people to love, but the hurt, the scars, the damage will remain. The question is not as complex as "How do you move on" nobody here is going to have that answer, nor will you.

 

How everyone defines moving on is different and that definition can change over time. You can try everything that people here have said to do and have it not work because it is not the answer for you. It was just the answer for them. Even that is in question though, what is happy for them now may not be in a week, month, year. Healing is inside you! It isn't attached to a relationship, a career or education, or even how much counseling or LS posts we can scrawl down.

 

You list me among those you consider to have moved on, I dont know that this is entirely true although I have all those indicators you mention. Heres the truth as honest as i can make it.

Have I left LS? No. 6 am finds me in front of my laptop business as usual reading threads, digesting information. I tend to hang back and let stories develop now though. As you referenced Willow, there are a lot of regurgitated cookie cutter answers that are often forced along as the story goes rather then allowing a poster the space to find some of their own answers, so folks that are PM'ng me asking if Im dead or kidnapped by the chinese? I am alive and well and following along and giving a nudge when I see the opportunity.

 

Am I seeing someone? Yes, are there wedding bells in my future or is my life all rainbows and lollipops? No. To be honest dating someone makes things much harder at times and raises a whole no crop of emotions and questions most of which, even 2 years on the other side, I still question if I'm ready for or not. Having someone in your life again is not a cure all for the damage of a break up. Not at all! At the begining it may seem like it is, and you see the posts here of how it all gets better in the end because they find someone new, but those feelings are short lived as the magic wears off and the reality and stress of actually being in a relationship again surface, thats the part that is rarely seen here Willow. It is nice to have someone to share my time and affection, but there is not a day that goes by that i can honestly say I don't think of and miss my marriage and my wife. That love is gone and as much as i'd like to that will never come back because that was just between me and her and it will always be missed, even if I hopefully do find a new love... when I'm ready, that is still something I am not ready for.

 

Finding answers. I have officially graduated from counseling LOL:rolleyes: My counselor pretty much had to inform me that there was nothing more for me to learn and that I would be wasting my money to come and see her. Coming to grips with both of our parts of the break down and being able to see things pretty clearly, and finding my own tools to rebuild. Once again, also not the magic bullet, but I was able to take a lot of peace just knowing that this was the case. Knowing why and how it happened does nothing to take the pain away much as a physical wound. It does give you better understanding how to treat it though.

 

The choice Willow, is if your going to be A Survivor, or a Victim and that choice is not always as cut and dry as it may seem. What we are going through is a lot like a sinking ship. Some of us get scooped up by a rescue boat easy as pie, the rest are left clinging to the wreckage adrift. What do you do? Do you continue to drift? Do you swim? Do you just give up and sink like a stone? Wouldn't be quite so easy to leave the security of that piece of wreckage thats keeping your head above water...... but, where will that take you? I chose to swim, and most of the survivors here chose to swim. I cant see land and i don't know that i ever will, but I made the decision to give it my best shot. Not because i know which direction I'm going, or that i know i can swim that far, but for me!

 

So what do you chose Willow? All the things you have tried, why have you tried them? because you thought it was the "right" thing to do, the "sensible" thing? Do you do it because you think it will make you "move on"? Or do you do them because it makes you happy and you can take pride in the choice? Do you go to school because you love the course of study? Or because you thing the career increases your odds? Do you go to the pub and smile at blokes because thats who you are or because you hate being alone? Are you trying to attract a partner? Or are you putting the real you out there and letting the chips fall where they may?

 

That was the key for me at least. I gave up trying to "Get over it" as others decided, I got sick of being unhappy and just said what the heck and went out and enjoyed myself, liberated myself. I stopped caring what I "should" be and what people expected me to be, and I just live those that want to join me can, those that don't, so be it. You can live for others expectations, or you can LIVE!

 

TOJAZ

[fltc]

Time to go.

 

I think it's probably time for me to take either a temporary or possibly permanant break from LS. Whether I will be able to stay away of not I don't know, LS has become a part of my daily life and the support people here provide will be missed, that is why I may find I have to come back, espically as I have no one else to talk to.

 

However, I don't think I can keep reading others stories anymore. The way people treat each other, the way someone who is supposed to love someone treats them, it is causing me to feel hopeless about my future. Sometimes the posts here evidence pure selfishness and justification. It boggles my mind how society became so depraved that some people now only think of themseleves. That's my opinion and i'm entitled to it before anyone decides to attack me for having moral values.

 

Reading all this and trying to help others to no avail many times, just makes me feel hopeless as to my own future. I have recently started to consider remaining single and just taking a series of short term lovers to meet my needs for affection and sex. THAT is not me and never has been.....so time to for a break from here I think.

 

THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to support me.

 

I know exactly how you feel, I came here looking for some help (I never told my story and won't now) and I did find some help but continued reading not helping now.....

[willowthewisp]

Willow (if your still reading) and everyone else.

There is no step by step guide Willow. There is nothing that you can do, say, add, etc. that is going to help you get over it...... you don't. Thats just the way it is. People move on, find other people to love, but the hurt, the scars, the damage will remain. The question is not as complex as "How do you move on" nobody here is going to have that answer, nor will you.

 

How everyone defines moving on is different and that definition can change over time. You can try everything that people here have said to do and have it not work because it is not the answer for you. It was just the answer for them. Even that is in question though, what is happy for them now may not be in a week, month, year. Healing is inside you! It isn't attached to a relationship, a career or education, or even how much counseling or LS posts we can scrawl down.

 

You list me among those you consider to have moved on, I dont know that this is entirely true although I have all those indicators you mention. Heres the truth as honest as i can make it.

Have I left LS? No. 6 am finds me in front of my laptop business as usual reading threads, digesting information. I tend to hang back and let stories develop now though. As you referenced Willow, there are a lot of regurgitated cookie cutter answers that are often forced along as the story goes rather then allowing a poster the space to find some of their own answers, so folks that are PM'ng me asking if Im dead or kidnapped by the chinese? I am alive and well and following along and giving a nudge when I see the opportunity.

 

Am I seeing someone? Yes, are there wedding bells in my future or is my life all rainbows and lollipops? No. To be honest dating someone makes things much harder at times and raises a whole no crop of emotions and questions most of which, even 2 years on the other side, I still question if I'm ready for or not. Having someone in your life again is not a cure all for the damage of a break up. Not at all! At the begining it may seem like it is, and you see the posts here of how it all gets better in the end because they find someone new, but those feelings are short lived as the magic wears off and the reality and stress of actually being in a relationship again surface, thats the part that is rarely seen here Willow. It is nice to have someone to share my time and affection, but there is not a day that goes by that i can honestly say I don't think of and miss my marriage and my wife. That love is gone and as much as i'd like to that will never come back because that was just between me and her and it will always be missed, even if I hopefully do find a new love... when I'm ready, that is still something I am not ready for.

 

Finding answers. I have officially graduated from counseling LOL:rolleyes: My counselor pretty much had to inform me that there was nothing more for me to learn and that I would be wasting my money to come and see her. Coming to grips with both of our parts of the break down and being able to see things pretty clearly, and finding my own tools to rebuild. Once again, also not the magic bullet, but I was able to take a lot of peace just knowing that this was the case. Knowing why and how it happened does nothing to take the pain away much as a physical wound. It does give you better understanding how to treat it though.

 

The choice Willow, is if your going to be A Survivor, or a Victim and that choice is not always as cut and dry as it may seem. What we are going through is a lot like a sinking ship. Some of us get scooped up by a rescue boat easy as pie, the rest are left clinging to the wreckage adrift. What do you do? Do you continue to drift? Do you swim? Do you just give up and sink like a stone? Wouldn't be quite so easy to leave the security of that piece of wreckage thats keeping your head above water...... but, where will that take you? I chose to swim, and most of the survivors here chose to swim. I cant see land and i don't know that i ever will, but I made the decision to give it my best shot. Not because i know which direction I'm going, or that i know i can swim that far, but for me!

 

So what do you chose Willow? All the things you have tried, why have you tried them? because you thought it was the "right" thing to do, the "sensible" thing? Do you do it because you think it will make you "move on"? Or do you do them because it makes you happy and you can take pride in the choice? Do you go to school because you love the course of study? Or because you thing the career increases your odds? Do you go to the pub and smile at blokes because thats who you are or because you hate being alone? Are you trying to attract a partner? Or are you putting the real you out there and letting the chips fall where they may?

 

That was the key for me at least. I gave up trying to "Get over it" as others decided, I got sick of being unhappy and just said what the heck and went out and enjoyed myself, liberated myself. I stopped caring what I "should" be and what people expected me to be, and I just live those that want to join me can, those that don't, so be it. You can live for others expectations, or you can LIVE!

 

TOJAZ

 

Got the message and checked in, thanks for the response but either I am not communicating it well enough or people just do not get what I am going on about (that's the problem I am having actually in essence).

 

Thanks for the well wishes Craig and Debtman. Take care everyone.

[jaymz]

Hey willow,

 

Your not old, I'm 34 nearly 35 and my whole world has just colapsed and the thought of starting again is very frightenting. There are some inspirational people and stories on here and I believe I will survive. I want to see what I look like on 8th May 2012 and see if all the advice from friends/parents/here is true, cant wait really.

 

"I'm size 6, tall, brunette, not amazingly beautiful but not butt ugly I don't think! I'm educated, I am hoping to be fairly wealthy one day down the track when I qualify as a solicitor, I'm independant, loyal, honest, faithful and when I am with someone I am committed"

 

I think you also mentioned you have a posh voice, sounds like my ideal woman

 

I'm in the UK (south east), so if your any where near and want to meet up for a good old fashioned "i hate the world" meet, then pm me.

 

I wish you all the best.

[willowthewisp]

Hey willow,

 

Your not old, I'm 34 nearly 35 and my whole world has just colapsed and the thought of starting again is very frightenting. There are some inspirational people and stories on here and I believe I will survive. I want to see what I look like on 8th May 2012 and see if all the advice from friends/parents/here is true, cant wait really.

 

"I'm size 6, tall, brunette, not amazingly beautiful but not butt ugly I don't think! I'm educated, I am hoping to be fairly wealthy one day down the track when I qualify as a solicitor, I'm independant, loyal, honest, faithful and when I am with someone I am committed"

 

I think you also mentioned you have a posh voice, sounds like my ideal woman

 

I'm in the UK (south east), so if your any where near and want to meet up for a good old fashioned "i hate the world" meet, then pm me.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

No posh voice! LOL I think maybe you got that becasue I mentioned I got told I am too posh? I was out in a pub, got chatting to this guy and when I told him what I do he told me I was too posh for him.

 

Thanks for the kind words and the offer unfortunately I am no where near the South East though.

[jaymz]

No posh voice! LOL I think maybe you got that becasue I mentioned I got told I am too posh? I was out in a pub, got chatting to this guy and when I told him what I do he told me I was too posh for him.

 

Thanks for the kind words and the offer unfortunately I am no where near the South East though.

 

I think people mistake those that talk correctly (I do not drop my 'T' or 'H') as 'posh' purely because you talk correctly. I have encountered the same prejudice but just ignore it, as I work in London I found it has been a great tool.

 

Maybe I should start to hang round polo clubs for the next Mrs Jaymz?

[willowthewisp]

I think people mistake those that talk correctly (I do not drop my 'T' or 'H') as 'posh' purely because you talk correctly. I have encountered the same prejudice but just ignore it, as I work in London I found it has been a great tool.

 

Maybe I should start to hang round polo clubs for the next Mrs Jaymz?

 

I think it was more because of what I do, he is a tradesman "no I don't base my opinion of someone on their job, the last guy I dated was a tradesman, it's personality and how they treat me that is important". He then commented that I was too posh for him because of what I do. Nice to know I am afforded the same respect huh?

 

Just as an aside, I ran into the guy I dated recently this weekend whilst out, he asked me out again, was so difficult to say no and I felt like such a b!tch doing it, the look on his face at being rejected

[Steadfast]

Having someone in your life again is not a cure all for the damage of a break up. Not at all! At the begining it may seem like it is, and you see the posts here of how it all gets better in the end because they find someone new, but those feelings are short lived as the magic wears off and the reality and stress of actually being in a relationship again surface, thats the part that is rarely seen here Willow. It is nice to have someone to share my time and affection, but there is not a day that goes by that i can honestly say I don't think of and miss my marriage and my wife.

 

This is one of the most profound things I've read on LS, and I've read a lot of them. Please forgive me for posting Willow...I know you asked me not to, but I simply had to comment on this statement. The truth inside of it reveals it may take years to overcome the hurt and disappointment. And for some perhaps, a lifetime. At 51 I can't 'start over'. She was my family, the mother of my kids. Happiness is obtainable, but we're changed.

 

Damaged goods. But prizes can and are made from such things.

[trippi1432]

Sorry, I digress....I don't agree...not profound at all but more a bit of martyrdom. At any age you can start over and you do. We come here to LS to remind ourselves of a love lost....someone who rejected us...didn't want us. Are we trash...to be taken out to the curb? I don't agree.

 

Are we changed..yes. Split between what once was and what is now...and there are many nice surprises in that...in you or in you and somebody you can love. I am happy with being alone and doing what I want to do...I can find comfort in a man anytime I want..that is easy. But the dynamic on this thread is that no one can let anyone else in due to the damage that has been done to them....that is martyrism...dying on the cross for someone...guess what...no one here is a GOD much less a GODDESS.

 

I've loved three times in my life and the first one doesn't count because I was a child..and no that 3rd one wasn't my exH...not for what he put me through...an open heart is just that..it only opens when you feel it...but the magic only wears off when one person decides it does. When one person no longer wants to be in the marriage or the relationship. I have found twice that there is nothing you can do about it but find a way to be happy and continue being you..True to yourself.

 

There is nothing profound in continuing to push out people who love you for the memory of someone who doesn't...it only serves to cheat the one who will love you in future for the ghost of a past. I know this first-hand as my exH from 20 years ago thinks that I know him better than anyone else...I only know the man from 20 years ago...that is NOT him today. Do you see how that comes full circle? A man who abandoned his wife and child with a note on the table because I demanded that he get a job.....he thinks that I know him...after 20 years....sorry..moronic moment.

 

The gist is..in every relationship..we make sacrifices..and NO...I don't want to hear your sacrifices..I want to know if you know your parters sacrifices. If you think that who you are today is who you are going to be tomorrow in a relationship with someone..you are sadly mistaken. Men think that women want to change them..but what they tend to come to hate is that they change to suit the woman....women do this too...it is called equal footing. Once two people get on equal footing...the power struggle ensues....point for the A team..point for the B team..a tit for tat. Give it 10 years and see the frustration build. THAT IS WHY WE ARE ALL HERE.

[debtman]

At any age you can start over and you do.

 

Split between what once was and what is now...and there are many nice surprises in that..

 

I am happy with being alone and doing what I want to do...

 

Couldn't agree more. I spent the first 2-3 months wallowing in how crappy things were, how hurt and lonely I was, etc. I finally decided that I didn't WANT to be that person and life is too short. I wasn't going to let someone else have that effect on me. Your happiness is YOUR choice. I've grown to appreciate making my own decisions, taking my own actions and doing what I want to do when I want to do it without constantly worrying about how someone else was going to judge me.

 

 

the magic only wears off when one person decides it does. When one person no longer wants to be in the marriage or the relationship. I have found twice that there is nothing you can do about it but find a way to be happy and continue being you..True to yourself.

 

Absolutely. I also think (now) that one of the keys to a successful relationship is to remain true to yourself while IN the relationship. Once you start to change for the other person you're not being true to yourself. Relationships require sacrifices, but you can't sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship...

[Steadfast]

But the dynamic on this thread is that no one can let anyone else in due to the damage that has been done to them....that is martyrism...

 

I can't speak for Tojaz, but that isn't my position or prediction.

 

On the surface your post is spot on Trippi, but it's misdirected. Again, I can't speak for Tojaz, but I have no intention of allowing the past to influence how I deal with the present. No one is talking about rejecting love because love once rejected you. If anything, I have a deeper appreciation for life's gifts than I did before, because I know how much it hurts to lose them. At the same time, I'm also more aware of my faults and personality traits. Screw pity! I have no desire to let life beat me.

 

I find that comment profound because in relation to willow's struggle, a new love -or renewed, healthy self esteem- simply isn't a cure all for wiping away the past. We're all great at analyzing the problems of failed romance...the tricky part is dealing with the good parts. I'm pleasantly reminded of my ex in our children, an old photo, or the scar on my shin from the time I caught her falling off her bike. No matter how 'complete' our recovery or how successfully we've moved on, the past is part of us. Is our happiness or ability to love again dependent on burying it? I hope not.

 

I find no gain in denying pain. It hurts when you smash your thumb, but that doesn't mean I'm never going to hammer a nail again. It's like someone once said, we all have two lives; the life we planned, and the one we have. We live, and hopefully we apply those lessons.

 

Again, sorry for stepping back in uninvited willow. Hope you are well-

[debtman]

a new love -or renewed, healthy self esteem- simply isn't a cure all for wiping away the past.

 

Absolutely, we can see that by watching the cheater's relationships fail. More important to learn how to love yourself than relying on the love from someone else.

 

It hurts when you smash your thumb, but that doesn't mean I'm never going to hammer a nail again.

 

Fabulous analogy...well said...

[trippi1432]

Sorry Steadfast, what prompted that post was your comment that u can't start over at 51....

 

We all have good memories....sometimes they are hard to look at because they bring back pain..only time will help you to look at those without feeling the pain. It took me many years to not feel a twinge of pain after my first marriage broke down.

 

Pretty much, I feel that most of us here are in those cycles...we get to one spot, get stuck a little...some get over the hump easily, some take a little longer. But none of us are meant to be alone forever...it isn't always startng over...sometimes it is just a new chapter.

[willowthewisp]

 

I find that comment profound because in relation to willow's struggle, a new love -or renewed, healthy self esteem- simply isn't a cure all for wiping away the past.

Again, sorry for stepping back in uninvited willow. Hope you are well-

 

No problem Steadfast, your advice is valued.

 

Also to Debtman about loving oneself,

 

Um, I do have self esteem, see below

 

Just as an aside, I ran into the guy I dated recently this weekend whilst out, he asked me out again, was so difficult to say no and I felt like such a b!tch doing it, the look on his face at being rejected

 

If I was simply looking to find happiness by finding a partner then why I have turned this ex BF down 3 times now? There is a very good reason for not dating him (I don't want to make it public on here, but trust me it's a valid reason), if I had low self esteem or was looking to find happiness in someone else making me happy I would, as my IC said, go out with anyone!

 

What brings you all happiness? List the things that make you feel happy, make you feel good, make you enjoy your life in the sense that they enrich it, you can live your life without those things, but it's sweeter with them, correct?

 

For me, I find sweetness in coupledom, long term, marriage, family etc. That doesn't mean I am walking about unhappy, that I don't enjoy my daily life, but it does mean that I am aware that after two years being single now I would very much like to find a new partner. What this thread is actually about is my frustration at not being able to find anyone, at there being no avaliable men my age.

 

I am having huge difficulty meeting nice guys my age and those I do meet, which is very few, are completely incompatible with me. Since being back on the dating scene I have had a range of bad experiences, including a guy seriously into hardcore BDSM (said goodbye to him very quickly) and I mean HARDCORE, scapels were mentioned. The ex BF, again not going to post about that. A number of time wasters etc etc.

 

My thread has never been about trying to happiness in someone else, or about finding someone else to get over and forget my ex, that is the reason I have waited to date, I did not want a rebound. I really don't know how else to explain what this thread is about, I have tried serveral times now but as I said before it seems either I am not communicating it well enough or people just do not know what I am going on about?

[Steadfast]

Sorry Steadfast, what prompted that post was your comment that u can't start over at 51....

 

Apologize? For caring, support and cheer? I won't hear it.

 

As a father and a husband I've had my run, but it's still going. My beautiful daughter is graduating from high school next week. I take great pride in that, as I've cared for her the last three years alone. My kids are the world to me, along with my beautiful girlfriend, her family and my wonderful friends. I have taken despair and twisted it into a life worth living. Blessed.

 

I don't regret her...our marriage, any of it. Would I rather still be married to her, enjoying more free time together and looking forward to birthdays, holidays and special times with our 'someday' grandkids? Yes. But that won't happen. Early in this thread I laid out some scenarios that have nothing to do with cheating or 'willed' breakups (sickness, accident, etc) with the purpose of pointing out that things do indeed happen out of our control. And while there is more honor in that, grief is grief in the end.

 

And in the end, it's how we deal that counts. It's better with love.

 

If I was simply looking to find happiness by finding a partner then why I have turned this ex BF down 3 times now?

 

Therein lies your hope willow. If you have that, you have the rest of the tools to succeed. And you will. It could be worse. Settling would be worse.

 

What brings you all happiness? List the things that make you feel happy, make you feel good, make you enjoy your life in the sense that they enrich it, you can live your life without those things, but it's sweeter with them, correct?

To me, balance is happiness. Writing, photography, studying scripture, working around the house, motorcycles, my kids, nieces and nephews, music. These are things I could live without, but each is made sweeter having the love of someone special. Someone who thinks I'm special.

 

For me, I find sweetness in coupledom, long term, marriage, family etc. That doesn't mean I am walking about unhappy, that I don't enjoy my daily life, but it does mean that I am aware that after two years being single now I would very much like to find a new partner.

I know this. How could anyone feel denying that is appropriate? Still, like many that is the life you want and not the life you have. But, there exists in all of us the ability to survive. I could say moving to or near any large city will provide you with an abundance of single men your age, but the reality is no matter where you go...there you are. That's why Trippi and so many others press the critical aspect of happiness in one's own skin.

 

That's the start willow. Not the end. If the things we truly desire are not coming to us, then we must go to them. Each of us feel that struggle.

 

All encouragement and warmth to you willow. You have friends here (and, it seems, a few admirers...) so all is not lost. Your desire is the key.

[willowthewisp]

Apologize? For caring, support and cheer? I won't hear it.

 

As a father and a husband I've had my run, but it's still going. My beautiful daughter is graduating from high school next week. I take great pride in that, as I've cared for her the last three years alone. My kids are the world to me, along with my beautiful girlfriend, her family and my wonderful friends. I have taken despair and twisted it into a life worth living. Blessed.

 

I don't regret her...our marriage, any of it. Would I rather still be married to her, enjoying more free time together and looking forward to birthdays, holidays and special times with our 'someday' grandkids? Yes. But that won't happen. Early in this thread I laid out some scenarios that have nothing to do with cheating or 'willed' breakups (sickness, accident, etc) with the purpose of pointing out that things do indeed happen out of our control. And while there is more honor in that, grief is grief in the end.

 

And in the end, it's how we deal that counts. It's better with love.

 

 

 

Therein lies your hope willow. If you have that, you have the rest of the tools to succeed. And you will. It could be worse. Settling would be worse.

 

To me, balance is happiness. Writing, photography, studying scripture, working around the house, motorcycles, my kids, nieces and nephews, music. These are things I could live without, but each is made sweeter having the love of someone special. Someone who thinks I'm special.

 

I know this. How could anyone feel denying that is appropriate? Still, like many that is the life you want and not the life you have. But, there exists in all of us the ability to survive. I could say moving to or near any large city will provide you with an abundance of single men your age, but the reality is no matter where you go...there you are. That's why Trippi and so many others press the critical aspect of happiness in one's own skin.

 

That's the start willow. Not the end. If the things we truly desire are not coming to us, then we must go to them. Each of us feel that struggle.

 

All encouragement and warmth to you willow. You have friends here (and, it seems, a few admirers...) so all is not lost. Your desire is the key.

 

What do you mean admirers? And also re the other bolded part, I sincerely hope you are not trying to suggest that my ex had HONOR in leaving me after inviting a vicar round to our house after 19 years and setting a date for our wedding? Besides which it is possible my ex did indeed cheat on me, I will never know for sure but I have my reasons for my suspicions. What exactly do you mean by nothing to do with willed breakups? Accident? How does someone break up with someone by accident?

Edited May 10, 2011 by willowthewisp

[Steadfast]

What do you mean admirers? And also re the other bolded part, I sincerely hope you are not trying to suggest that my ex had HONOR in leaving me after inviting a vicar round to our house after 19 years and setting a date for our wedding? Besides which it is possible my ex did indeed cheat on me, I will never know for sure but I have my reasons for my suspicions. What exactly do you mean by nothing to do with willed breakups? Accident? How does someone break up with someone by accident?

 

Glad to clarify willow.

 

I'm not suggesting anything, simply stating that there are many ways a person can lose a loved one. By honor, I meant there's more of it in losing them to sickness or accident, as opposed to cheating/dumping or leaving someone used and abused. In the end the grief and sadness are similar. I have an insight; my mother misses dad terribly after 63 years of marriage. But he did not choose to leave, so the honor of their relationship is intact.

 

My ex and yours have none...at least where their past relationships apply.

 

Your admirers are coming out of the woodwork. A fellow a few posts ago was chatting you up and the some other guy has asked you out three times? Your response, your business, but you seem to be in demand...

 

 

**EDIT** You know, it occurred to me that I may not be making any sense with this. The original point was a concern you had that something might wrong with you...something that affects relationships both past and future. Call it fate, bad luck or just plain circumstance, how we deal with pain and heartache is at least as important as to why it happened in the first place. That's my way of saying there's no curse willow. Just life.

Edited May 10, 2011 by Steadfast

[trippi1432]

I really don't know how else to explain what this thread is about, I have tried serveral times now but as I said before it seems either I am not communicating it well enough or people just do not know what I am going on about?

 

My thoughts: this thread is about how we can think, as a couple, we are on the same page and the same path until life throws us a curve ball. It's about the unknown, the change in the relationship dynamic that we have no answer for..no closure to. Even more, why can't people who claim to love each other work things out instead of continuing hurting each other? It's about trying to move forward and not seeing the viable options because of all the hurt in the world that people go through at other's expense, it makes the dating world laden with problems. It's about being thrust into a world of constant change that we didn't ask for.

 

As I said before..men are plentiful....and eager...doesn't mean they are viable relationship material which Willow has pointed out. (Yes, I would back out too and have been on that side as well in being asked out....not lately..almost 2 years ago....sick::sick: <---- sorry, personal interjection...but WTF?? Still boggles my mind!!! and was actually a college buddy that I dispatched when he revealed that side of himself!).

 

At the end of things...it's about how to work forward and finding what you are looking for....and when you look at the dating world, for viable people who are healthy and looking for the same thing...how do you find the "diamond in the rough" that is looking for you?

 

Just my take on it Willow..these days I keep myself busy with music and finally getting into a band....but even that comes with problems from my perspective. Entertainment is entertainment..but it ends when the mic turns off.

 

Like I said...my thoughts...but a place we never expected to be..in some cases trying to make the best of it...but trying to work through as well.

[trippi1432]

What brings you all happiness? List the things that make you feel happy, make you feel good, make you enjoy your life in the sense that they enrich it, you can live your life without those things, but it's sweeter with them, correct?

 

 

Apologize? For caring, support and cheer? I won't hear it.

 

Never undersell yourself Steadfast..you are who you are..and be proud of it!!

 

To me, balance is happiness. Writing, photography, studying scripture, working around the house, motorcycles, my kids, nieces and nephews, music. These are things I could live without, but each is made sweeter having the love of someone special. Someone who thinks I'm special.

 

Those are things that someone should appreciate..that you have someone to appreciate

 

I know this. How could anyone feel denying that is appropriate? Still, like many that is the life you want and not the life you have. But, there exists in all of us the ability to survive. That's why Trippi and so many others press the critical aspect of happiness in one's own skin.

 

Just be who you are..if someone doesn't respect that..then they aren't the right one. Comfortable....when you can be that with someone..that speaks volumes.

[willowthewisp]

Glad to clarify willow.

 

Your admirers are coming out of the woodwork. A fellow a few posts ago was chatting you up and the some other guy has asked you out three times? Your response, your business, but you seem to be in demand...

 

 

 

But that's just it, that is what I am trying to say and have been trying to convey all throughout this thread, I'm not in demand, I can't even get a date!

 

Yes, my ex BF from highschool has asked me out 3 times, I dated him but there is a really good reaosn why I cannot date him anymore, I wish I could because I really like him but other than him I don't seem to be able to meet anyone.

 

Seriously it's like I am invisible or something, no ones looking at me, checking me out, smiling at me. I can smile at a guy in a bar and he will look at me like I am mental or something. Urgh, maybe I am just ugly? I just don't get it?

 

I even went to a bar the other weekend for over 25's (as opposed to 18 here in the UK) and the place was full of men in their 40's and 50's, not one guy my age, nope, because they are all at home with their wives and children aren't they? My ex left it too late to leave me and now I am in this horrible position of not being able to meet anyone my age because they are all taken.

 

What can I do? It all feels really hopeless, I don't have much family, no siblings and I really do not want to spend the rest of my life alone.

[Steadfast]

But that's just it, that is what I am trying to say and have been trying to convey all throughout this thread, I'm not in demand, I can't even get a date!

 

Willow, I have no idea what you look like but I'm sure you're fine. The plain fact is, I can't help you with that. No one here can, unless you get lucky in a chat room or something. I recall reading that didn't suit you (which I understand) and can add that many women share the same complaint. The women here are much better qualified to advise you on your love life, but I can tell you what generally attracts a man. It's pretty simple. We're pigs.

 

 

For me it's pretty hair...pretty teeth and the ability to communicate. After that, it would have to be an openness...a welcome vibe. No one likes being lumped in. If I sense a woman is comparing me to her ex or sizing me up, I'm gone. Typically, the older a man gets the more he appreciates intelligence, confidence and independence. But remember; men are wired to protect and fix. I have no idea what women are wired for.

 

A truly wise man knows just how stupid he really is.

[tojaz]

I can't speak for Tojaz, but that isn't my position or prediction.

 

On the surface your post is spot on Trippi, but it's misdirected. Again, I can't speak for Tojaz, but I have no intention of allowing the past to influence how I deal with the present. No one is talking about rejecting love because love once rejected you. If anything, I have a deeper appreciation for life's gifts than I did before, because I know how much it hurts to lose them. At the same time, I'm also more aware of my faults and personality traits. Screw pity! I have no desire to let life beat me.

 

I find that comment profound because in relation to willow's struggle, a new love -or renewed, healthy self esteem- simply isn't a cure all for wiping away the past. We're all great at analyzing the problems of failed romance...the tricky part is dealing with the good parts. I'm pleasantly reminded of my ex in our children, an old photo, or the scar on my shin from the time I caught her falling off her bike. No matter how 'complete' our recovery or how successfully we've moved on, the past is part of us. Is our happiness or ability to love again dependent on burying it? I hope not.

 

I find no gain in denying pain. It hurts when you smash your thumb, but that doesn't mean I'm never going to hammer a nail again. It's like someone once said, we all have two lives; the life we planned, and the one we have. We live, and hopefully we apply those lessons.

 

Again, sorry for stepping back in uninvited willow. Hope you are well-

 

Exactly

 

Often here on LS there is a lot of ex bashing and a lot of very strong advice that tends to lean toward that end. Amongst all the "your better offs" and "you could do betters" and other positions of perceived strength, there are the ones that honestly don't buy into that. Its like a child losing his best friend only to snap back "I never liked him anyway". Strange thing is, if you boil it down, these are all tactics from the WAS playbook! Except turned around in order to try and protect ourselves.

 

A big part of moving forward is being able to look back and see where you've been and how far you've come and at times how much you have retained of your self or even some things you have regained that you thought you may have lost.

 

Yeah, I miss my wife, and it makes me sad at times. It took a long time but I literally had to tell myself that it was ok for me to feel that way 2 years the other side of divorce. Am I nailing myself to a cross? No, I'm being true to myself and just letting myself feel the things I do. I don't see getting married as a mistake, and even knowing the hell I've gone through and how it all ended, I still wouldn't trade those years for anything, they don't own me though, I have a lot of years to live.

 

But that's just it, that is what I am trying to say and have been trying to convey all throughout this thread, I'm not in demand, I can't even get a date!

 

Yes, my ex BF from highschool has asked me out 3 times, I dated him but there is a really good reaosn why I cannot date him anymore, I wish I could because I really like him but other than him I don't seem to be able to meet anyone.

 

Seriously it's like I am invisible or something, no ones looking at me, checking me out, smiling at me. I can smile at a guy in a bar and he will look at me like I am mental or something. Urgh, maybe I am just ugly? I just don't get it?

 

I even went to a bar the other weekend for over 25's (as opposed to 18 here in the UK) and the place was full of men in their 40's and 50's, not one guy my age, nope, because they are all at home with their wives and children aren't they? My ex left it too late to leave me and now I am in this horrible position of not being able to meet anyone my age because they are all taken.

 

What can I do? It all feels really hopeless, I don't have much family, no siblings and I really do not want to spend the rest of my life alone.

 

Theres a lot of life to live outside of a relationship Willow, a lot of things to experience and a lot of joy. Everyone wants that special person there to share it with, but that is not always possible. Do you know any hunters Willow? A few of my friends hunt and I asked them if they ever stopped to appreciate the forest that surrounded them, I usually get a silly look but its a valid question since I often walk the same woods with my camera. Guess what, I have a lot more lucky photos of deer then they have trophies on their wall.

 

TOJAZ

[jaymz]

But that's just it, that is what I am trying to say and have been trying to convey all throughout this thread, I'm not in demand, I can't even get a date!

 

Yes, my ex BF from highschool has asked me out 3 times, I dated him but there is a really good reaosn why I cannot date him anymore, I wish I could because I really like him but other than him I don't seem to be able to meet anyone.

 

Seriously it's like I am invisible or something, no ones looking at me, checking me out, smiling at me. I can smile at a guy in a bar and he will look at me like I am mental or something. Urgh, maybe I am just ugly? I just don't get it?

 

I even went to a bar the other weekend for over 25's (as opposed to 18 here in the UK) and the place was full of men in their 40's and 50's, not one guy my age, nope, because they are all at home with their wives and children aren't they? My ex left it too late to leave me and now I am in this horrible position of not being able to meet anyone my age because they are all taken.

 

What can I do? It all feels really hopeless, I don't have much family, no siblings and I really do not want to spend the rest of my life alone.

 

I'm sort of in the same boat as you but not really too serious about meeting another partner. Going out and trying to meet someone is daunting, so instead I go out and have fun and not try to meet people - it has the opposite affect.

 

The other thing I've tried is internet dating (plentyoffish) is free and you can chat to others, this may really help me re-learn how to talk to women again but with a little distance. I was really surprised how many women are on that site with the exact same complaints as you. It may not work out for you but atleast it may be fun to try and find out?

[trippi1432]

The crux of my previous posts Willow, is the fact that with the influx of divorced people entering the dating world, finding viable options for what you are looking for does make it harder. (And thank you Tojaz for clearing up that your response above was not a personal rebuttal or accusation to my previous position - offline.)

 

For me, I find sweetness in coupledom, long term, marriage, family etc. That doesn't mean I am walking about unhappy, that I don't enjoy my daily life, but it does mean that I am aware that after two years being single now I would very much like to find a new partner. What this thread is actually about is my frustration at not being able to find anyone, at there being no avaliable men my age.

 

I am having huge difficulty meeting nice guys my age and those I do meet, which is very few, are completely incompatible with me.

 

My thread has never been about trying to happiness in someone else, or about finding someone else to get over and forget my ex, that is the reason I have waited to date, I did not want a rebound. I really don't know how else to explain what this thread is about, I have tried serveral times now but as I said before it seems either I am not communicating it well enough or people just do not know what I am going on about?

 

Half the battle is finding someone who has those same values for happiness that you do. Yes, on this forum it is hard to advise as most are not looking for those same things....a complete start over. Same in the dating world, trying to find a viable option of someone who is open to marriage and children seems slim these days....add compatibility to that, which takes time..etc. Honestly, the dating world is laden with both men and women who do not know what they want other than companionship due to so much divorce.

 

Perhaps the best place to meet someone with those like-minded values is not in a bar or club...too easy to run into men who are playing the field, into games or become "time-wasters". Have you checked out resources for marriage-minded men in your area?

 

You are NOT invisible, you just really know what you are looking for which may be why the few nice men you meet are incompatible. I feel the last thing you are looking for is to "wake up" a year down the road with someone who cannot even put a label on the relationship much less a ring on your finger. (Using the term "wake up" as a mental awakening)

Edited May 12, 2011 by trippi1432