Still strugling

[willowthewisp]

Trust me, it's a vibe a woman gives off. For example, going back to when I was out the other weekend there were a number of good looking ladies in their 30's. Now I'm not in the market for anyone but it was scary. They were like man eaters ready to pounce. There was one lady there who was intelligent, who didn't brag about her career (despite the fact she was the most successful of the lot of them)

 

She was the only one just talking, interested in what others had to say, quite honestly the only one I'd have considered dating if that's where I was in my life. My advice to you is stop being so anxious to meet anyone, people can spot it a mile off. Ohh and never, ever, ever chat about your ex or complain to anyone (I'm sure you don't anyway) if your in male company.

 

Well I knew it would be my fault, everything always is right? It's always the standard response, you must be doing something wrong, you must be doing something to turn guys off, you must be ugly, you must be giving off a vibe.

 

Fact is Rob, I am an attractive women, intelligent, caring, loyal, nice, honest, faithful, interesting, fun and witty. The guys I have dated recently have all said they would like a relationship with me, I have turned them down. I am still very good friends with one of them and I asked him what he saw in me, his answer was that I am honest, attractive and I make him laugh.

 

I'm not being big headed here, but I do not think I am a minger, I am a UK size 10 (US size 6) 5ft 8" tall, long dark brown hair, brown eyes, big boobs, long legs. I don't think that is the problem.

 

I am intelligent, so I don' think that is the problem, unless of course you guys just want a bimbo.

 

I am not desperate for a man, so I do not beleive I am giving off any kind of vibe and I most definately do not talk about my ex.

 

I don't think I am the problem here, I think it's more to do with a mans ego. Most of the men I meet are younger than me and are really only interested in getting laid, so when they realise I have a brain and I am not going to go home with them it's game over. The men my age who are single, are few and far between, but most of them are single for a reason, this is a generalisation but in my expereince so far they fall into one of the following camps

 

1 have not grown up and are obsessed with getting laid and that's all they want

 

2 mental health issues

 

3 still hung up on the exW

 

4 thick as s*** and threatened by intelligence

 

5 in dead end cr*p jobs and threatened by a women who has a good earning capacity (maybe it makes them uncomfortable as they make less money)

 

I have a lot to offer to offer someone, ANY man would be extremely lucky to have me. Why? Because I am a decent human being who cares about other people, I have morals and interigrity and I am also extremely fun to be around, I am unique and witty. I also love sex, IF I am in a committed relationship, just because I do not go around screwing everything that moves does not mean I am prude or that I don't enjoy it.

 

At the end of the day, I don't need a man to make me happy or complete or whole or any of that stuff, I am perfectly OK as I am. I would like a man to share experiences with, but I am not desperate.

[gallop30]

willow,you're self esteem seems to be little off.

it doesn't matter how you think about your looks or how many men want to date you,it all comes down to giving off the wrong vibe. that will attract all kind of losers who can sense that vulnerable but mistake it with easy.

[willowthewisp]

willow,you're self esteem seems to be little off.

it doesn't matter how you think about your looks or how many men want to date you,it all comes down to giving off the wrong vibe. that will attract all kind of losers who can sense that vulnerable but mistake it with easy.

 

Erm, I really don't know where you got the impression there is a problem with my self esteem, I know what I am worth, I don't think I am giving off a vibe or that losers are attracted to me. I think the problem is that where I live is a really bad area economically and where I go out only has a certain type of man.

 

I don't think I am the problem at all. When I was online dating I had plenty of interest from educated men with professional jobs who wanted an equal relatinship, it's just that they were not living near me, pretty much because there are no decent jobs here, we are an area with the some of the worst poverty in the UK.

 

I'm sure if I manage to get a job in a different area when I finish with uni soon, things will definately pick up on the dating front.

 

My friends complain of the same problem. I went out a few months ago in a nearby city and within the space of 3 hours, I had been chatted up by a doctor, two company directors, a professional hockey player and a postgrad student.

Edited May 18, 2011 by willowthewisp

[robf1971]

, pretty much because there are no decent jobs here, we are an area with the some of the worst poverty in the UK.

 

I'm sure if I manage to get a job in a different area when I finish with uni soon, things will definately pick up on the dating front.

 

Yeah , that could be part of it. Lol I remember getting offered a job in Crewe, I took one look at the place and turned it down. Ended up in Oxford. I'd totally recommend it round here, I think there is next to no unemployment, loads of life and fun and not much crime.

[gallop30]

online dating doesn't count ,those men can be fake or not.

that excuse of men not being close to you because of some economical downturn doesn't make sense right now unless you live in some village with population 20:)

the truth is you don't need a man to be happy right now. accept that and you'll be fine

[willowthewisp]

online dating doesn't count ,those men can be fake or not.

that excuse of men not being close to you because of some economical downturn doesn't make sense right now unless you live in some village with population 20:)

the truth is you don't need a man to be happy right now. accept that and you'll be fine

 

I do indeed live in a small town on the coast, there is no employment here, it's a massive problem, the local council are trying to rejenerate the area with businesses. Most of the shops are empty, all gone bust, even the big highstreet names have gone because there is no money here to be spent in the shops! Trust me, the majority of people who live here are retired (with money) or single mothers on welfare or unemployed men or emplyed men working in factories or warehouses, take aways or pubs. There is also a huge amount of drug crime because we are on the coast and it gets brought into the coves round here. This leads to regular knife attacks, in fact sometimes it can be a bit scary going out locally to clubs etc. The police presence is extremely high, vans parked up ready to arresst drunks bc the culture is one of escapism, heavy drinkers. I went to a local nightclub a couple of weeks back and the toliets were full of girls snorting coke.

 

I know I don't NEED a man to be happy, I am happy, I am about to finish up at uni and embark ona great new profession (lawyer), all I ever meant on this thread is that sometimes I am a bit lonely. We all would like love, we all want a partner and a family, there is nothing wrong with that. I am just frustrated because i have a lot to offer and can't seem to meet anyone to offer it too.

 

Rob, Oxford is lovely. I'm applying for work all over at the moment, so keep your fingers crossed for me.

Edited May 18, 2011 by willowthewisp

[gallop30]

of course we all want a partner,but that's not the answer to our happiness.

if you want a lawyer job,come to Chicago. i have two lawyers working for me and they both kinda suck:)

English accent lawyers will do good here...

[just_some_guy]

...

I know I don't NEED a man to be happy, I am happy, I am about to finish up at uni and embark ona great new profession (lawyer), all I ever meant on this thread is that sometimes I am a bit lonely. We all would like love, we all want a partner and a family, there is nothing wrong with that. I am just frustrated because i have a lot to offer and can't seem to meet anyone to offer it too.

 

Sounds like g_d or the great pumpkin, the universal consciousness or whatever greater power you might believe in, has put you in a place where you aren't going to find your man...just yet.

 

Maybe take this time not as a curse, but as a gift of time to continue your healing journey and finish your university program. I am sure when the time is right, you'll have many good men to choose from.

[willowthewisp]

I think I've decided to stay single permanently, I just don't like the way people treat each other. I have always tried to treat others with respect and love but it seems most people only care about themself. I just cannot see the point anymore, it all ends in hurt and you get hurt on the way.

 

I just think society has become really depraved, everyone is obsessed with sex, it seems to fuel everything. Whatever happened to love, respect, friendship, compassion, understanding, being united with a partner and the expression of that through sex, rather than sex as a physical act first and foremost. It's not all about what you can get, what you want, it's about mutual love for each other. Where did that go?

 

I realised today for the first time that I truely do not love my ex anymore. I just feel indifferent towards him. I occasionally get anger still, but I think that is because, for a long time, due to low self esteem problems from emotional abuse, I was turning the anger that he deserved inwards on myself. It's a numb feeling, indifference, I thought it would feel elating and liberating, but it just feels normal, nothing. There is a tiny bit of sadness, but for the years I wasted on him and the fact that it all means absolutely nothing to me now. He destroyed my memories, so I literally have nothing, it all meant nothing, but I am indifferent to that, if that makes sense?

 

If my ex turned up now and asked me back you know what I would say?

 

"There is nothing to go back to, I have no feeling for you and I am not the smae person you left, you leaving changed me forever"

 

I am now just mad and sad at what I have been left to face, a single life with no hope of ever loving again bc he has changed me, I can never love like that again.

[YSS]

Wilow

I have been following this thread for sometime and your journey has been insightful, honest and inspirational.

 

I think you have reached a pivotal point in your healing whereby you feel indifferent towards your ex. This is a big milestone cause to get here much healing and growth had to occur. For any of us with broken hearts and spirits, now too well such growth hurts. It's painful and gut wrenching and some days it feels just too much. I am happy to read you have reached indifference. I do fear that you are looking at the fact that you are a different woman in a negative light. Willow, you have dine battles with your emotional bounds and peeled back the layers to deal wih it all honestly and authentically as we saw in your posts. Do not resign yourself to believing that your life will always be alone. Instead rejoice in your stage of indifference, stronger sense of self and self worth, a new career to embark upon along with the strong sense of accomplishment to complete law school. The world is your oyster willow, please try to see how bright and promising it really is.

 

I am 1.5 years out of my relationship and thoughts of my ex and memories still gut me. I can never imagine reaching indifference. Trust me willow, you should be toasting a glass to yourself and not being mad. I understand you feel frustrated cause you simply want to get on with it. It being sharing your life with someone deserving and wonderful. It will come, just have faith.

[trippi1432]

I don't think that it is you Willow...not at all. I was just chatting with a local girlfriend of mine earlier tonight ....she told me to be happy in the moment. I'm sorry, but being happy in the moment is a statement that someone who does not recognize what happiness really is. It's like someone saying to you "I don't know what I want". It's all non-commital, open relationship stuff.

 

It's not living in the moment..it's the happiness that is created in living those moments, good memories, that are the building blocks to a relationship. It's the "I don't know where this is going"...those are the things that are hard to find or, for some people, to understand any more due to being jaded.

 

So...(a) live in the moment to not know what you/he want(s) or (b) to live in the moment of happiness with someone who sees a future in figuring out where it is going...personally, I dumped A two weeks ago. You just have to find B.

 

BTW - sending you a PM of English humor your way. Better be hitting those books.

[just_some_guy]

If my ex turned up now and asked me back you know what I would say?

 

"There is nothing to go back to, I have no feeling for you and I am not the smae person you left, you leaving changed me forever"

 

I am now just mad and sad at what I have been left to face, a single life with no hope of ever loving again bc he has changed me, I can never love like that again.

 

Perhaps that isn't such a bad thing, in spite of the hurt of losing it.

 

Maybe you will find an entirely new way to grow in love, in ways that you have never imagined before.

[htctouchpro2]

stop beating yourself. there are better fishes out there. focus on your post grad exams and go on with your life

[Steadfast]

Willow doesn't need me to answer for her, but IMO she's not beating herself up. At least, not anymore. I've noticed a huge increase of balance, awareness and self love in our dear willow...the natural progression one goes though after extreme disappointment and heartbreak. We all express our feelings and emotions differently. This young lady knows her worth.

 

And, thanks to this forum willow and many of us have developed friendships. Good ones. Healthy ones. It is inspiring. It is good.

 

You're right willow, the world is full of selfish, shallow people and they're getting shallower. And while that group might be approaching majority status, the simple fact that you are not one of them proves not everyone falls into that camp. Wholesomeness and integrity should be encouraged. The world has too many followers and not enough leaders; people with the balls to be different and stand -sometimes alone- against the status quo.

 

Looking for a partner never works, but being receptive does. At least in my case. I will never again sacrifice my soul in a relationship. I'm convinced happy couples are comprised of people true to themselves first and foremost. Able to love and be loved, yet strong enough to stand on their own. When you're not leaning on someone, it's impossible for them to let you fall-

[change]

 

Looking for a partner never works, but being receptive does. At least in my case. I will never again sacrifice my soul in a relationship. I'm convinced happy couples are comprised of people true to themselves first and foremost. Able to love and be loved, yet strong enough to stand on their own. When you're not leaning on someone, it's impossible for them to let you fall-

 

This is just brilliant, Steadfast. I might hang it on my wall.

 

I ... am not strong enough to stand on my own. Well, I thought I wasn't anyway. I suppose two months of standing have proved me wrong, but I still frequently wake up in the morning with sensation of gut wrenching sadness and disappointment that I'm waking up to a life without my wife in it. Those first moments of consciousness are the worst, followed by nights like tonight where I reach out to her -- and don't hear back. These nights convince me that I'm NOT strong enough to not fall without someone to lean on.

 

But I have to be strong enough to stand on my own, don't I? With my wife. Without my wife. With someone else. It doesn't matter. The whole point is being a strong enough person to hold yourself up in these moments. If you can't do that, a happy relationship will not follow.

 

How one does this is entirely a mystery to me...

[tojaz]

This is just brilliant, Steadfast. I might hang it on my wall.

 

I ... am not strong enough to stand on my own. Well, I thought I wasn't anyway. I suppose two months of standing have proved me wrong, but I still frequently wake up in the morning with sensation of gut wrenching sadness and disappointment that I'm waking up to a life without my wife in it. Those first moments of consciousness are the worst, followed by nights like tonight where I reach out to her -- and don't hear back. These nights convince me that I'm NOT strong enough to not fall without someone to lean on.

 

But I have to be strong enough to stand on my own, don't I? With my wife. Without my wife. With someone else. It doesn't matter. The whole point is being a strong enough person to hold yourself up in these moments. If you can't do that, a happy relationship will not follow.

 

How one does this is entirely a mystery to me...

 

You do it by doing exactly what your doing here. Being strong enough to stand on your own has a lot to do with being able to accept the things that make you feel weak.

 

The fact that you are sad or hurt at such a great loss should never be seen as a sign of weakness, those feelings never go away, they lessen, become more infrequent but months years down the road, a song, a photograph, or a familiar place can bring them back to bear.

 

The weak will hide from these moments, the strong accept them as part of who they are.

 

TOJAZ

[willowthewisp]

Sometimes I wonder why I am even trying to carry on. It's just one knock after another.

 

I'm trying so hard to get my life into a good place, to get out from this living enviroment where I am emotionally abused, but I just find it so hard to keep going.

 

I have exams in two weeks, my last exams in February I was sick, I did them anyway and somehow manage to pass but not as well as I would have hoped for. Now I have hurt my damm back, how I don't know, probably from sitting on my bed all the time and at a dresser working instead of a desk because I have no where else to work and avoid sitting downstairs due to the constant tirade of verbal abuse.

 

Tonight, I asked my mum if I could put an ice pack in the freezer for my back and was met with "you selfish b!tch, all you ever do is complain, why don't you make some more work for me, you're going to kill me you know that don't you, I know you don't care. I've had a bad back for a month now, but you don't hear me complaining to do, no I just get on with it. You never stop whinging, you love it, you love being sick you enjoy it don't you."

 

This triggered a menory from when I was a teenager. I had hurt my back (this is a recurent problem), I could not move for the agony, I could not get up to use the bathroom unaided. My mum gave a similar rant at me, I think because she felt put out that I need assitance. She then told me she was going to commit suicide and left the house. I couldn't move, we did not have a phone at the time and I could not move to get help for either her or myself. I had to lay on the bed until she came back 5 hours later.

 

What kind of mother does that to her child? I think I was about 13 or 14 years old.

 

Everytime I take exams, my mum seems to make it her mission to crank up the abuse, it's like she wants me to fail, she wants me to break. Why? Why does she do this to me? I noticed this pattern last exam time, so I made a consious decison to be observant this time and see if it was my imagination. It isn't. She was OK (for her) up until two weeks ago, since then she has not stopped bullying me and shouting at me for no reason. At lunchtime today I opened some chesse that had gone bad, I know to check with her before I throw it in the trash, because she has to control everything, so if I didn't, that would have been wrong. So I checked and first she told me to eat it. I refused, which lead to her telling me not to eat it but then blaming me, well, for nothing really. She screamed and ranted for over an hour about how she can't cope and how the chesse being bad was my fault.

 

As usual at exam time she has taken to invading my privacy, walking in on me, disturbing my work, making as much noise as possible all day and night so I can't study. Ranting at my dad (yes she abuses him as well) in the early hours of the morning so I am not getting enough sleep to be able to study properly and I am tired all the time.

 

*sigh* I just look at my life and I just wonder why I am even trying. I haven't been able to get a job yet and these exams are hard enough without all this added pressure and stress and now my back as well.

 

I don't wnat my ex back, he is not the person I loved, that person would not have done this to me, but I do want my life before he did this back. I was so happy.

[tojaz]

Everytime I take exams, my mum seems to make it her mission to crank up the abuse, it's like she wants me to fail, she wants me to break. Why? Why does she do this to me?

 

It is a common type of emotional abuse Willow. You are doing something to remove yourself from the situation and from her. An abuser relies on having someone there to abuse, so of course she will do what she can to damage those chances and increase the stress.

 

Its also a time when you are the most vulnerable having all the added stress of exams and your injury to cope with, makes her job all that much easier.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this Willow, the best I can offer is to turn that into a driving force to do well on your exams and to possibly find somewhere else to do your studies. If you can minimize the visible effects of her abuse, she gets nothing from it and will eventually direct her attention elsewhere, unfortunately that seems to be your father. :o:(

 

Best of luck on your exams Willow.

 

TOJAZ

[willowthewisp]

It is a common type of emotional abuse Willow. You are doing something to remove yourself from the situation and from her. An abuser relies on having someone there to abuse, so of course she will do what she can to damage those chances and increase the stress.

 

Its also a time when you are the most vulnerable having all the added stress of exams and your injury to cope with, makes her job all that much easier.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this Willow, the best I can offer is to turn that into a driving force to do well on your exams and to possibly find somewhere else to do your studies. If you can minimize the visible effects of her abuse, she gets nothing from it and will eventually direct her attention elsewhere, unfortunately that seems to be your father. :o:(

 

Best of luck on your exams Willow.

 

TOJAZ

 

Yes, unfortunately there will be hell to pay if I fail as well, she puts pressure on for me to suceed, be perfect, but then tries to sabotage it.

 

I can't go anywhere else to study because that would involve either a lift (ride) from my dad to the libary or a bus ride and if I ask dad that will be wrong because then I am being a selfish cow expecting my dad to run me about and if I go on the bus, that will be wrong because then I am wastful with money. It's no win.

 

I don't let her see any effects of the abuse. I just stand there and take it and then walk away, then carrying on as normal, make her tea etc, chat be nice and just generally try to keep out of her way.

Edited May 27, 2011 by willowthewisp

[tojaz]

Impossible expectations are another tactic Willow. Its her not you! I know you know that but it never hurts to hear every once in awhile. Your strong enough to get through this, your stronger then she is, otherwise she wouldn't feel compelled to be this way.

 

TOJAZ

[just_some_guy]

 

What kind of mother does that to her child? I think I was about 13 or 14 years old.

 

The answer is that only a *sick* mother would do that to her child. She's ill, emotionally and mentally. She has no idea what she's doing.

 

You can't reason with unreasonable people and her sickness has made her unreasonable. Don't try to make sense of it.

 

I understand. I grew up with the same sort of abusiveness and sabotage. Nothing I ever did was good enough. A "B" should have been an "A". An "A" should have been a 100%. A 100% should have had extra credit. A 100 with extra credit meant that I had merely gotten into a class for retarded kids that was obviously too easy. Add in the screaming, the physical abuse and neglect, and wow, what a family.

 

At some point, we have to see our natal families and their problems not as we were as children trying to survive and get by, but as adults who lived through it all and will overcome it.

[Steadfast]

It is her, and not you willow, but you're not helping by putting enormous pressure on yourself. It is a tough world. Sooner or later, we all taste it.

 

The thing that is tough hearing, is the hopelessness.

 

Only you can work on -and ultimately defeat- that, but allow me to remind you that if you gained happiness before, you're capable of gaining it again. But you are smarter now, more experienced and focused. It'll be better.

 

I maintain you are on the right track. Knowing what you don't want is a great start to finding what you do. In this way, you've grown tremendously.

 

Vent away! Your friends are here for you-

[benmajer]

I know the feeling. Whenever something bad happens to yourself, you always go blaming yourself. But it's not your fault. Now since I don't know about your ex or so, but here's some questions you can answer for yourself.

How old is he?

How old is the new girl?

 

A lot of times, at least to my experience, men often leave their wives/girlfriends that they've had for a long time because they need change. They need that little adventure of having a new.

[willowthewisp]

Impossible expectations are another tactic Willow. Its her not you! I know you know that but it never hurts to hear every once in awhile. Your strong enough to get through this, your stronger then she is, otherwise she wouldn't feel compelled to be this way.

 

TOJAZ

 

 

Thanks for the support to all who took the time to reply.

 

Tojaz, I don't get the bolded part?

[jaymz]

Oh willow, I feel like driving down your way and rescuing you like some k oght in shining armour. Pm me your details and I could be there tomorow and damn the consequences!

 

You are super nice and deserve so mucj better.