Why did he get so mad at this question?

February 25, 2011

So I've been seeing a guy pretty intensely for a little over 3 months. We talk everyday and hang out whenever possible (he lives an hour away). Things have been going really great, and although his actions hadn't changed towards me, I'd noticed that he hadn't really verbalized much in regards to his feelings like he used to (we're not official but aren't seeing anyone else).

So on yesterday we were talking on IM and I semi-jokingly asked him if I was in his friend zone. And well to make a long story short, he basically flipped out and said the question was "interesting" cause I "was not his sister" and then just abruptly logged off. I texted him afterwards (cause I figured he wouldn't answer the phone seeing he was mad) and was like "I didn't mean anything by the question just sometimes you're hard to read.". He then replied "I answered the question. You're not my sister." So I go "well am I in the friend zone?" And he said he "wasn't answering that" and I haven't spoke to him since.

So what on Earth do I make of this? I'd asked if I offended him and he told me "no and he just didn't know what to say." But if I wasn't being friend zoned or what have you, shouldn't this have been an easy question to answer?? I really care about this guy and maybe the question was in poor taste seeing his actions seemed good. But he's told me he's had commitment issues in the past and I was just really wanting to hear him say things were still kosher on his end since things were becoming more serious. Any advice?

Edited February 25, 2011 by MRevolver

February 25, 2011

To be honest, he sounds rather immature to flip out over such a question and then refuse to say why. I don't think your question was "poor taste", just a silly thing we might all say.

My advice: leave him alone and see if he comes back and how.

p.s. sometimes "I've got commitment issues" can just mean I'm Not That Into You :-(. And if he has got commitment issues, well maybe let him sort them out by himself.

Edited February 25, 2011 by jane100

February 25, 2011

You've been seeing a guy intensely, hang out or talk almost every day, yet you ask that question? I would be annoyed too because it's a leading question that seems passive aggressive. Don't have your first relationship discussion arise out of a "joke". He probably sees right through that game. Sorry I know you think it's an innocent way of talking about the relationship but it's kind of immature. So, you got immature behavior in return. You should have initiated the discussion in a more mature and direct way that respects the sweet time you've spent together.

February 25, 2011

To be honest, he sounds rather immature to flip out over such a question and then refuse to say why. I don't think your question was "poor taste", just a silly thing we might all say.

My advice: leave him alone and see if he comes back and how.

Totally agree. He flipped out, you have no idea why. You reached out. He pushed you away. It is now up to him to take responsibility for his actions/reactions/emotions.

Don't get roped into doing all the "caring-work" in the relationship. I've been there in the past, with a self-professed commitmentphobe, and it was exhausting.

Don't make a big deal of it. Lead your life and have faith that if this guy is worth your time, he will be mature enough to fix the situation. (By the way, also learned that men do appreciate being able to fix situations and will eventually feel smothered if we ladies go about always trying to do all the caring/fixing in the relationship.)

So your job is to not make a big deal about this. Go to the gym, hang out with your friends, have faith he'll make it better.

p.s. sometimes "I've got commitment issues" can just mean I'm Not That Into You :-(. And if he has got commitment issues, well maybe let him sort them out by himself.

Or sometimes it just means: I'm too immature to have a relationship. Alternatively, it can mean: I use emotional-distance to stay in control of the relationship.

None of those meanings warrant empathy. If you coddle a commitmentphobe, they'll only get more distant. Don't fall into that trap. His commitmentphobia is his problem, not yours.

February 25, 2011

You've been seeing a guy intensely, hang out or talk almost every day, yet you ask that question? I would be annoyed too because it's a leading question that seems passive aggressive. Don't have your first relationship discussion arise out of a "joke". He probably sees right through that game. Sorry I know you think it's an innocent way of talking about the relationship but it's kind of immature. So, you got immature behavior in return. You should have initiated the discussion in a more mature and direct way that respects the sweet time you've spent together.

And you don't think his reaction was passive aggressive? IMO, he takes the cup in the above scenario.

February 25, 2011

So I've been seeing a guy pretty intensely for a little over 3 months. We talk everyday and hang out whenever possible (he lives an hour away). Things have been going really great, and although his actions hadn't changed towards me, I'd noticed that he hadn't really verbalized much in regards to his feelings like he used to (we're not official but aren't seeing anyone else).

So on yesterday we were talking on IM and I semi-jokingly asked him if I was in his friend zone. And well to make a long story short, he basically flipped out and said the question was "interesting" cause I "was not his sister" and then just abruptly logged off. I texted him afterwards (cause I figured he wouldn't answer the phone seeing he was mad) and was like "I didn't mean anything by the question just sometimes you're hard to read.". He then replied "I answered the question. You're not my sister." So I go "well am I in the friend zone?" And he said he "wasn't answering that" and I haven't spoke to him since.

So what on Earth do I make of this? I'd asked if I offended him and he told me "no and he just didn't know what to say." But if I wasn't being friend zoned or what have you, shouldn't this have been an easy question to answer?? I really care about this guy and maybe the question was in poor taste seeing his actions seemed good. But he's told me he's had commitment issues in the past and I was just really wanting to hear him say things were still kosher on his end since things were becoming more serious. Any advice?

Some men hold the belief that a man and a woman cannot ever be friends, only lovers, unless the woman is family. I think that was what he was referring at. Personally I think the way he reacted comes across as hardheaded and immature.

I think men and women can be friends, but personally I think it becomes difficult when one party falls in love. However it can be great that you start out as friends and fall in love with each other over time. It's said that such relationships, where the man and woman are also friends, tend to be the most stable.

Edited February 25, 2011 by Nexus One

February 25, 2011

You've been seeing a guy intensely, hang out or talk almost every day, yet you ask that question? I would be annoyed too because it's a leading question that seems passive aggressive. Don't have your first relationship discussion arise out of a "joke". He probably sees right through that game. Sorry I know you think it's an innocent way of talking about the relationship but it's kind of immature. So, you got immature behavior in return. You should have initiated the discussion in a more mature and direct way that respects the sweet time you've spent together.

Completely see what you're saying but we have approached things before in a lighthearted manner, not all the time, as this was by no means was our first serious discussion, but a few times in the past. But it was the first "us" one in awhile so maybe I should have waited. And I did apologize and cut straight to the heavy but by then I guess he was already irked. I just don't get why considering if he still really likes me, this should have been an easy yes or no response I feel.

February 25, 2011

And you don't think his reaction was passive aggressive? IMO, he takes the cup in the above scenario.

Definitely. But she has to correct what she did to resolve this. She shouldn't wait until he does. She initiated this whole thing. She should be the one to point blank tell him 'sorry for making a comment like that when obviously we are more than friends,' and she understands 'why you would react that way. I'm really sorry babe. Now can we talk?'

You have no idea what awesome communication just putting aside her pride for a few moments and saying that will open up for them!

If you are the one who spurts an issue then you should take the initiative to resolve it, and not blame the other person. This is dead in the water if she sits and waits for him to come to her.

February 25, 2011

Completely see what you're saying but we have approached things before in a lighthearted manner, not all the time, as this was by no means was our first serious discussion, but a few times in the past. But it was the first "us" one in awhile so maybe I should have waited. And I did apologize and cut straight to the heavy but by then I guess he was already irked. I just don't get why considering if he still really likes me, this should have been an easy yes or no response I feel.

He might have felt hurt after putting so much of himself out there, and then closed up. As long as you have apologized sincerely, then just give him time to come around. If his feelings are still there (which it sounds like they probably are), he'll come around.

February 25, 2011

I just don't get why considering if he still really likes me, this should have been an easy yes or no response I feel.

So was your comment a test? Because if so, that I'm afraid Glimmer is partly right. But you're trying to force an interpretation here.

His reaction made you feel vulnerable. That's understandable seeing as you're emotionally invested. You have to try your best to distinguish between how the situation made you feel and all the potential interpretations. Else you're going to get in a very negative emotional space, one that will only prove counter-productive in dealing with the situation.

In other words, take a step back. Don't react emotionally. Do not internalize this. Do whatever you have to do to calm down. Stop trying to figure out what he was thinking. Only he knows that and only he can make this better.

Take a bath, treat yourself to your favorite chocolate, go for a walk. Get your mind out of the emotional gutter.

The goal is that when he finally reaches out to you to explain the situation, you won't be an emotional mess. You will be calm, open to hearing him out, centered and balanced.

Got it?

February 25, 2011

You were in a round-about way asking him about his feelings for you. Either he wasn't able to express them, or he knew you wouldn't like the answer.

February 25, 2011

Definitely. But she has to correct what she did to resolve this. She shouldn't wait until he does. She initiated this whole thing. She should be the one to point blank tell him 'sorry for making a comment like that when obviously we are more than friends,' and she understands 'why you would react that way. I'm really sorry babe. Now can we talk?'

She has tried to correct what she did, and he's remained distant. I think the ball is now in his court. It's his turn to put aside his pride and learn the value of good open communication.

If you are the one who spurts an issue then you should take the initiative to resolve it, and not blame the other person. This is dead in the water if she sits and waits for him to come to her.

While it seems you were right in suggesting that Mrevolver perhaps didn't approach the topic of "them" in the most productive way, his reaction to her comment is way over the top. The way I see it, she didn't spurt the issue, he did. She bantered about something that meant a lot to her and he went about emotionally punishing her. What is she supposed to do, walk on eggshells throughout their entire relationship so as to not spurt issues and trigger his commitmentphobia?

He might have felt hurt after putting so much of himself out there, and then closed up. As long as you have apologized sincerely, then just give him time to come around. If his feelings are still there (which it sounds like they probably are), he'll come around.

February 25, 2011

Thanks everyone so much for all the input!! This has allowed me so much more clarity and well allowed me to look at things from all angles.

As for my update, he just contacted me and wants me to call him at lunch!

Any more suggestions on what to say? Should I just let him do the talking since I already tried to explain myself?

February 25, 2011

Thanks everyone so much for all the input!! This has allowed me so much more clarity and well allowed me to look at things from all angles.

As for my update, he just contacted me and wants me to call him at lunch!

Any more suggestions on what to say? Should I just let him do the talking since I already tried to explain myself?

Good! I'm glad he got it touch.

Yes, since you have explained yourself, I would let him take the lead. Listen to him, hear him out. Allow him the space to fix things. That means being in control of your emotions. So stop thinking about what you think he should have answered (the "if he liked me he would have said no" thing) and be open to what he is going to answer. Let him take the lead.

Again, if your feeling emotionally twisted about this, try to take some time to do something that will help you get to a better, relaxed, open space.

February 25, 2011

Thanks everyone so much for all the input!! This has allowed me so much more clarity and well allowed me to look at things from all angles.

As for my update, he just contacted me and wants me to call him at lunch!

Any more suggestions on what to say? Should I just let him do the talking since I already tried to explain myself?

Oh that's a good sign! I'm glad he's gotten in touch with you so soon (yeah if he kept quiet for days that would be a really bad sign). I agree with Kamille... Just let him take the lead on this conversation, be open and positive.

February 25, 2011

...he went about emotionally punishing her. What is she supposed to do, walk on eggshells throughout their entire relationship so as to not spurt issues and trigger his commitmentphobia?

Do you not think he was just confused as to what she was actually saying? See that's the problem when someone starts out a conversation in the wrong way, it can be taken wrong and leave people confused. Then they in turn are so confused that they do weird things. Then it's their fault?

I was just trying to imagine if I were dating a guy, intensely, spending tons of time with him, and then in chat he randomly asks me if he's been friend zoned. I would be so perplexed like I was in the twilight zone suddenly...I might first wonder if he's playing a game to actually push me away and I might say something too like what he said because I would feel so doubtful about all of the experiences we've had thus far DUE TO WHAT HE said not because I had friend zoned him.

In the OP's situation, yes, he should have just asked "why would you ask that?" but he might have been so confused and/or turned off by her attempt to start that type of conversation through chat that it just wasn't worth it. That doesn't mean he doesn't actually have feelings for her. Just the whole approach was a little off.

I can't stand when people try to manipulate me by saying or asking leading questions. That doesn't mean I don't actually like the person a whole lot. I'm just not going to play that game. It's like, dude would you like to rephrase that and say what you really mean? Maybe he's the same way. Maybe he's not. I guess we'll see what he says...! LOL I hope it gets cleared up quickly for them.

February 25, 2011

Do you not think he was just confused as to what she was actually saying? See that's the problem when someone starts out a conversation in the wrong way, it can be taken wrong and leave people confused. Then they in turn are so confused that they do weird things. Then it's their fault?

I don't think the way Mrevolver started the conversation can be immediately qualified as "wrong".

That's your perception, and perhaps his. So far, we have no idea has he has yet to explain himself.

She said something that irked him. He reacted by withdrawing, which made her feel insecure - and ended up pushing him away even more.

I was just trying to imagine if I were dating a guy, intensely, spending tons of time with him, and then in chat he randomly asks me if he's been friend zoned. I would be so perplexed like I was in the twilight zone suddenly...I might first wonder if he's playing a game to actually push me away and I might say something too like what he said because I would feel so doubtful about all of the experiences we've had thus far DUE TO WHAT HE said not because I had friend zoned him.

I also put myself in those shoes. In fact, I have been in the scenario where I've dated guys who have suddenly bantered something along the lines of: " so am I just a fling (hi honey!)?" or other some such questions. Believe it or not, they'll usually choose a very casual moment-casual form of communication to do it. Yes, it always took me by surprise - whether I was actually overjoyed about the topic or feeling dread about it. I can tell you I didn't react by getting angry though. I think it's immature to respond with anger when someone expresses vulnerability. I also think it's a potential sign of control-issues to go directly to anger, instead of asking for clarifications.

In the OP's situation, yes, he should have just asked "why would you ask that?" but he might have been so confused and/or turned off by her attempt to start that type of conversation through chat that it just wasn't worth it. That doesn't mean he doesn't actually have feelings for her. Just the whole approach was a little off.

We both agree that there is no way to infer anything about his feelings for her from the above scenario. Our disagreement is mostly about whether what she said warrants his reaction.

I can't stand when people try to manipulate me by saying or asking leading questions. That doesn't mean I don't actually like the person a whole lot. I'm just not going to play that game. It's like, dude would you like to rephrase that and say what you really mean? Maybe he's the same way. Maybe he's not. I guess we'll see what he says...! LOL I hope it gets cleared up quickly for them.

I don't like feeling manipulated - but there's a difference between manipulation (which I have experienced) and poor ways to approach a topic. Yes, what she meant was : "Do you care for me?". I feel that reacting to that kind of question by pulling away is insensitive. Pulling away to that kind of question is what, to me, borders on game playing.

But of course, I also hope it gets cleared up quickly for them:).

February 25, 2011

I called during lunch like he asked...and he didn't remotely pick up the phone and that was an hour and a half ago. Not even a text to say "hey I was too busy to answer" or anything. I don't know whether to hold out some sort of hope that he'll actually call or to take this as him being a real immature jerk. I mean he is NEVER without his phone! I think right now I'm just majorly ticked that he's acting this way in the first place cause as I've forestated, we've had serious talks in the past. To bring it up now that things were becoming more serious just seemed like the normal thing to do. It's not like he can avoid me. He's got some of my stuff at his apartment!

Edited February 25, 2011 by MRevolver

February 25, 2011

I totally understand your reaction. I would be livid.

But since I am not actually in your shoes, I am left wondering: has has this before? Like could there be a valid reason for him missing the call and not being able to send a text?

February 25, 2011

I totally understand your reaction. I would be livid.

But since I am not actually in your shoes, I am left wondering: has has this before? Like could there be a valid reason for him missing the call and not being able to send a text?

It's only happened maybe a handful of times if he's just super busy at work (which granted he is working today) but still, seeing the importance of what we're talking about I just figured he'd get in touch some way. This actually makes me wonder if there's something seriously wrong with him. When he admitted the commitment issues he said his longest relationship has only ever been 8 months and anybody else he'd dated had only been like a month tops. Yeah...I know...huge red flag...but I can't help who I like. And like I said, we're going on 4, so I guess in the back of my mind I just had all this floating around and I just wanted to get some security in verbal form. This just sucks cause we had all these big plans for his birthday next month, etc and I just feel blindsided by his reaction.

February 25, 2011

It's only happened maybe a handful of times if he's just super busy at work (which granted he is working today) but still, seeing the importance of what we're talking about I just figured he'd get in touch some way. This actually makes me wonder if there's something seriously wrong with him. When he admitted the commitment issues he said his longest relationship has only ever been 8 months and anybody else he'd dated had only been like a month tops. Yeah...I know...huge red flag...but I can't help who I like. And like I said, we're going on 4, so I guess in the back of my mind I just had all this floating around and I just wanted to get some security in verbal form. This just sucks cause we had all these big plans for his birthday next month, etc and I just feel blindsided by his reaction.

Ok. Good. It's happened before. He will likely get in touch and explain why he couldn't pick up the phone. right?

Is there a possibility that while you're stressing about your last conversation, he's already put it in the past?

February 25, 2011

Is there a possibility that while you're stressing about your last conversation, he's already put it in the past?

Not really the past perse' but I just think he suddenly doesn't want to discuss things. For instance, I got irked at him about a month ago over another of his "mood swings" and actually told him maybe we should take a break but immediately he was like "I don't want that" and then said we'd discuss things later. But later never came. He basically gave me a hug and said "he was glad that was over.":confused:

I don't know if he's scared or what but I even told him when we spoke that I wasn't trying to fast forward this into a full on relationship or jump down the aisle, but I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. I just think it's crazy if he's assuming avoidance and a hug will/can always smooth over any conflict you know? Its like how can we eventually try anything substantial if we can no longer communicate like we need?

Edited February 25, 2011 by MRevolver

February 25, 2011

I would be frustrated too. Hopefully he was just caught up in something at work that was impossible to excuse himself from.

I agree that regarding his moods and the previous incident, there should have been better, clearer resolution.

Hmmm.

February 25, 2011

So basically you wanted to ask him where you stood and he completely avoided the question.... I think thats your answer.

He's told you from the start that he's a commitmentphobe - You say he did the same thing the last time you brought up where the relationship was going... This should ring alarm bells. If he's not mature enough or just not willing to discuss the relationship seriously then there is no relationship.

'sorry for making a comment like that when obviously we are more than friends,'

But nothing is obvious here. Yes they've spent alot of time together but he's yet to clarify the relationship - put a label on it. Say "You are my girlfriend".

She initiated this whole thing

And whats wrong with that?? After 3/4 months of dating she has a right to know where the relationship is going. It sounds to me like he's leading her on.

February 25, 2011

So basically you wanted to ask him where you stood and he completely avoided the question.... I think thats your answer.

He's told you from the start that he's a commitmentphobe - You say he did the same thing the last time you brought up where the relationship was going... This should ring alarm bells. If he's not mature enough or just not willing to discuss the relationship seriously then there is no relationship.

But nothing is obvious here. Yes they've spent alot of time together but he's yet to clarify the relationship - put a label on it. Say "You are my girlfriend".

And whats wrong with that?? After 3/4 months of dating she has a right to know where the relationship is going. It sounds to me like he's leading her on.

Thanks for weighing in Lipsy10! I do need to clarify a little tho. He didn't do that the last time I asked about the relationship just the last time we tried to talk on something of a serious nature that had to do with us. Cause like I forestated in earlier posts, he used to talk on wanting to see where things would go etc when we first started seeing each other. I mean we did Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines. His family knows. Our friends know we're seeing each other... so I just assumed with all this we were heading somewhere and I just wanted to make sure my assumptions were right.

Even more screwy is just on Wednesday we were talking and he eluded to us one day moving away together one day. He also did this on Valentines Day. So I really didn't think asking for a straight out answer about his feelings (granted I did it in a round about way) would be such a big deal, especially with all the stuff he was eluding to. Cause even if he wasn't ready to announce us as a full fledged couple, I thought he'd at least be willing to announce that he was still happy and looking forward to seeing this thing grow. It's just frustrating.

Edited February 25, 2011 by MRevolver

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