Shatter3d Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Why is it that every day I achieve NC I feel that it's one step closer to getting my ex back ? I know this is totally wrong and I know the reasons for NC, but I just need a wake up call... NC is to heal myself and move on, not for him to come back....the sooner I realise this the easier it will be. Please someone knock some sense into me, having a really rough time
flow15 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Hey shatter3d, I'm sorry to hear your having such a bad time. Has your ex contacted you at all in this time you've kept NC? I don't think I can give you much advice, because I feel the same.. I'm secretly hoping in this time he will miss me and get in contact, but he hasnt contacted me once. I think this opens my eyes, its been a month and if he hasn't contacted me once in a month I think it shows that he isn't coming back. I think with time it will get easier and we will start to focus less on him coming back and more on trying to heal ourselves and move on.
Author Shatter3d Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Hey Flow, good to hear from you. Actually ge has msgd me a couple of times but just small talk like " thanks for bringing my mail into work" the 2nd one was " I know you think im talking about you at work, but I just wanted to let u know that I'm not " So I unfortunately responded to those crumbs and ended up telling him I still love him and miss him.... I know right, puke much ? I asked him if we could talk..... he pretty much responded with... "I'm having a pretty hard time moving on but each day gets better , I'm keeping myself busy. I don't think there's anything left to talk about" Omg talk about a slap in the face. Since that comment I'm back to day 4 NC.. Its still so hard at work, I feel there is something still there and I can't get it out of my mind that the more I ignore him the more he will come back.
flow15 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Well at least he admitted that he's having a hard time moving on, right? I haven't heard a peep from my ex, so in a way I have no choice but to go NC! You should do what he's doing and keep busy. The fact that he said "I don't think there's anything left to talk about" should help you to move on. Just please try and not break NC again, everytime you feel like talking to him just remember what he said: I don't think there's anything left to talk about. You are only on day 4NC and I think at the beginning is when we have more hope, with time the hope will dissappear. Just keep strong! I know you can do it, it must be so tough having to see him at work! I think I'm quite lucky in the fact that my ex lives an hour away, so its safe to say I will probably never see him again. Although he still haunts my dreams every night!
Rose T Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Hi Shattered! sorry you're having a tough time with NC but it really is a win-win for you, no matter what's running through your head. Try to focus on getting to a week of NC, then two weeks. Once you hit 21 days it gets a LOT easier. It doesn't really matter if you're associating hope with the NC at the moment, it is what it is - a really powerful statement of self-protection and self-worth! Your silence will say much more than your actual contact can at the moment. If you can reach three weeks or a month, as well, you'll start to get real perspective on the relationship. I've broken NC many times in my last break-up but I'm at 24 days now and it feels amazing. He contacted me two weeks ago and I successfully ignored and now it feels like I'm steaming ahead!! NC is a great thing, whatever it brings into your life they will inevitably be positive things. That's the great thing.
Layzie89 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I agree with Rose. I hit one month NC today and it feels great! My ex contacted me on day 24 NC asking how I was and I succesfully ignored it. Keep going with NC its hard in the beginning but it only gets easier. You find yourself falling in love with YOU more n more each day which is what NC is really all about. Hang in there shattered =]
MidnightinMadrid Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) Hey Flow, good to hear from you. Actually ge has msgd me a couple of times but just small talk like " thanks for bringing my mail into work" the 2nd one was " I know you think im talking about you at work, but I just wanted to let u know that I'm not " So I unfortunately responded to those crumbs and ended up telling him I still love him and miss him.... I know right, puke much ? I asked him if we could talk..... he pretty much responded with... "I'm having a pretty hard time moving on but each day gets better , I'm keeping myself busy. I don't think there's anything left to talk about" Omg talk about a slap in the face. Since that comment I'm back to day 4 NC.. Its still so hard at work, I feel there is something still there and I can't get it out of my mind that the more I ignore him the more he will come back. Noo,thats ashame that he flat out and told you that,i swear,i wonder how some men can just switch on and off. I bet he told you once or many times how much you mean to him,or that he loved you,then switch off like a robot. I beleived those same lies too. However, i've read some very wise of your responses to people here who's struggling with the same thing. I guess now you should remember what you told those who were hurting and give that understanding to yourself. All i can say is,theres nothing wrong with thinking he'll come back with NC,I do it,we all do it. However NC does help you heal when you focus more on the reality of your this,then you'll go,hmm.. what about this relationship do I miss? heartache? uncertainty? I have to ask myself this all the time,and I really came up with the conclusion that my relationship was unequal,one sided with him calling the shots. Not to mention all the lies he told me,for instance, telling me that one of his cousins was in his apt yelling at him and he had to quickly get off the phone. I knew he did this bc,he sensed I wasnt thrilled knowing that he spent the wknd with that new hobag of his that he happily dumped me for,the same one who i'm sure was not so 'new'. This was so long ago but i remember it as if it was yesterday NC will do that,help you remember all the not so nice things and the questionable things of your relationship if you choose to really allow it to work in every ways,not just making your heart grow fonder. Edited February 25, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid
GreenPolicy Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I started NC with the expectations that it would be a tool to get my ex back. But as time goes on that hope fades and you do it for yourself in order to heal. Hoping to get back together is a necessary coping mechanism right after a breakup.
2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 I had the 'hope within a month' syndrome but after a month that has gone and it is like a big door opening exposing you to the cold hearted reality of the world - you have to move on without them; actually I kissed my ex about 2 weeks B4 xmas 2010 and that was it, we never seen each other again and we txtd here and there but it has went silent - scary but reality has reallysunk in. I think if anyone reading this new to NC then realise that after say a month the pain gets less but the hope of recontact drops even worse so just prepare yourself for that bit. 2011
gator12 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 It's because you're not fully moved on when you start NC, nobody is. And as much as we know we're doing it for ourselves as long as we never move on that hope of them coming back will always exist. The trick is to not be dependent on it, and to live your life pretty much ignorant of it. Then I guarantee one of two things will happen, they will come back or you will lose that hope and not even know it. Either way you end up at a better place afterwords. -Gator
turokturok5 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 im going through the same thing, i have hope she'll come back to me. Found out from her friend that she is having a hard time coping (she broke up with me :S ) i broke NC a few days ago asking if she wanted a lift to uni, as i was going with her friend and she encouraged me to do it, she texted me back and said no, but thanked me for offering like 3 times in one text
ally21 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 What happens when you BOTH are trying to use NC to get each other back?
9Lives Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Im glad Im not the only one thinking this way. It must be a natural thing. Anyway, my ex did come back being very nice and sweet after 4 months. We had a bad break up too. I asked him why he was talking to me and it was because he missed talking to me and seeing me. Apparently, he didnt want to get back together. There was no ugliness then. I just told him I cant communicate anymore. I think when you make a stand, it makes them respect you more. When you go your own way, it makes you stronger. If he made that last statement about there is nothing more to discuss, that is closure for you. It sucks and I would just leave it at that. It is really time to heal and let go. Be nice to yourself because your gonna need it.
9Lives Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 I also think it's rude of exes to contact you after they break up with you. They could at least respect you enough to leave you alone to let you heal from the breakup. They should know that any contact they initiate will give you false hope. You would think they would know that. They come in with a totally different agenda on the cool. Its like I dont want you as a friend fool
Author Shatter3d Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Hi everyone, thankyou so much for all your thoughtful responses. It helps to know that what I'm feeling is normal. I just wish it would go away. I want to use NC for myself and to get better, but it just feels like the more I ignore him, the more he will miss me and come back. I know this is not true anymore. It has been 2 months since the break up and I know he would have attempted to come back by now. And his words were ' there is nothing left to talk about' , well that really says it all doesnt it. Why do I have so much I want to say and he doesnt? How the hell can they just cut you off so easy and get on with their lives? Why am I so miserable and he is not....BAH !!!! This sux. I guess I will just keep going one day at a time and hope that one day I wake up that he isnt the first thing on my mind. That would be nice. Maybe then I will know I am making some progress...
Author Shatter3d Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 Ok so I've come to the realisation that he isnt coming back, I've survived the whole weekend without texting him, now I have to see him at work tomorrow and everything I have acheived will be gone, all my feelings will come flooding back as soon as I see him.... Why oh why do I have to go through this pain, why isnt he feeling the same pain as me ? He was the one who chased ME and persued ME for a relationship, why is it that he is the one running away from me now?? I honestly dont care if I live or die, I know that sounds terrible, but life just seems so meaningless without him... At the moment I just exist and cant wait to close my eyes so I can try and forget him, then the moment I wake up I have to do it all over again. I mean I have tried dating and that only makes me feel worse, I seem to compare everyone to him. WHY isnt he feeling the same way? WHY did he want to marry me? WHY did he tell me I was his one and only. WHY did he tell me he would never break my heart again. Whats wrong with me? There must me something wrong with me if even HE doesnt want to be with me.
9Lives Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Ok so I've come to the realisation that he isnt coming back, I've survived the whole weekend without texting him, now I have to see him at work tomorrow and everything I have acheived will be gone, all my feelings will come flooding back as soon as I see him.... Why oh why do I have to go through this pain, why isnt he feeling the same pain as me ? He was the one who chased ME and persued ME for a relationship, why is it that he is the one running away from me now?? I honestly dont care if I live or die, I know that sounds terrible, but life just seems so meaningless without him... At the moment I just exist and cant wait to close my eyes so I can try and forget him, then the moment I wake up I have to do it all over again. I mean I have tried dating and that only makes me feel worse, I seem to compare everyone to him. WHY isnt he feeling the same way? WHY did he want to marry me? WHY did he tell me I was his one and only. WHY did he tell me he would never break my heart again. Whats wrong with me? There must me something wrong with me if even HE doesnt want to be with me. It is not about HIM anymore...it is ALL ABOUT YOU now and whats got to happen so you can move on and heal yourself. This is ALL THAT MATTER NOW. Nothing else. NOTHING! I KNOW it hurts. It hurts really really bad but YOU will get thru this. JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!!! It is gonna take some time and you have to be patient. I was feeling all these negative emotions but the good news is 4 months later, Im doing better finally. Im so happy about it too. My ex was my world as well. He even came back last week. I told him I cant do this cause it was not healthy for me. I still love him but I dont need the confusion and all that comes with him being around. He is a dominate presences in my life so I have to move without him. here are the rules for now so YOU can feel better. Dont talk to himDont hang around him as much as you can.(I know you work with him)Put up anything that reminds you of himCry Cry and CryDo things that make you happy as long as it is not destructiveTalk on LS about your feelings. Dont act on themStop all the negative talk about yourself. People who thought they would be together forever fall out alll the time. It happens. So start there. Yes you are going to be jacked up for a while. I hope you have a good friend that is going to be there for you. Dont expect too much of yourself. Try to get out the house more and hang around friends that are not judgemental. I looked a wreck for about 2 months but I made it thru and so can you. It is not about him...IT is about YOU now and whats got to happen so you can move on and heal yourself. This is ALL THAT MATTER NOW. Nothing else.
Author Shatter3d Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Last night I had a text msg typed out to the ex about how sorry I was for the last argument we had (the argument in which he broke up with me) and how I handled it so poorly. 2 months has passed and I cant help but feel guilty about things and am now 2nd guessing myself thinking that I really did do wrong and I deserved to be broken up with, hence the reason for the apology text.. I didnt go through with sending the text, but cant get these thoughts out of my head. Someone please tell me why this is a bad idea to send him an apology? I'm on day 9 NC today...
paiger Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Because you will appear weak. Ask yourself what you'll get out of sending that apology. Do you think your apology is going to suddenly cause some intense romantic manifestation in his mind and suddenly want you back because you're such a sincere person? I'm sorry to sound harsh but here's the cold hard eye opening truth. Anything bad you feel right now, is ALL you. He's out of your life. He no longer is affecting you. And by you breaking contact, you are giving him POWER to hurt you. You are coming up with reasons to talk to him! BIG NO NO. I do know how you feel and let me tell you; the beginning stages of NC are tough. And since you're only on day 9 it's alright for you to have these feelings. But you can't keep succumbing to them and blaming yourself for everything. No apology is needed. NO CONTACT is needed. Leave him alone! I've broken no contact SOOOOOOOOOO many times only to get slapped in the face EVERY single time because I didn't get what I wanted to hear. If you love torturing yourself with "crumb" replies or even no replies, then go ahead. But from a person (and probably alot of people here on LS) who have gone through this entire thing, don't. You gotta tough it out my friend... Short term pain, long term gain.
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