Lilmisus Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Tonight I was called into work at the last minute, and so I came in. My boyfriend and I work together, and since the other night, it was my first time seeing him since I saw the messages he'd been sending to other girls. I was completely ready to confront him about it, but some things changed tonight. 1. My best friend has a fiancee that she apparently needs a break from, and has decided to go out on a date with a guy she used to date. Last night she asked me if my boyfriend and I would be willing to go out on a double date with her and him since she didn't want to be alone with him. Why they're going out while she's engaged, I have no idea, but I don't want her out there with that guy alone (I don't want her with him period). When I told my boyfriend this, he flipped out and said that he in no way would go out on a double with her and him, since that's basically condoning her cheating on her fiancee. He said that if we went that he'd bring up that she was engaged by playing dumb and saying "Oh hey, so you're her fiancee! Tim right? Nice to meet you!" or something like that. He said he's had girls do him like that, and he in no way would pretend like it was okay by going out on a double with her. 2. A guy who I used to work with who I was crazy about came in to reapply for a job. He was fired 1.5 years ago (before my boyfriend worked there) and I haven't seen or heard from him since. He lead me on to believe that he was single and would flirt with me, and try to make moves on me, and it was until the day he was fired that I found out he had a girlfriend. When I saw him, I waved, and walked away, as my feelings came back to me. Not only those, but feelings of anger and disgust to know how he could do his girl like that. I told my boyfriend a while ago about this guy, and when he came in today, I told him about it, and told him exactly what I thought about anyone who cheated. 3. I talked to a mutual friend about what I found out, and asked her what I should do. She's engaged and has been around the dating scene for many years, and has been in my position before. She told me that unless I had hard evidence that he's cheated, then not to confront him or just end our relationship. She said that unless I'm just looking for a reason to break up with him, then it's really not enough - a couple messages sent back and forth when I know he couldn't call them and didn't respond after they gave him their numbers. I told her that I didn't need another reason to break up with him, I have plenty already. 4. It really hit me tonight what everyone on here's been saying, and what I've been telling myself. I realize that he probably didn't cheat like I originally thought he did, and that I was mainly upset about the messages because of how things have been recently. I have been giving all I could into this relationship and to make it work, and I've given him several opportunities to show he cares and show that he wants to be with me. And I keep making excuses as to why he does what he does, but it is all summed up into one sentence: He doesn't give a ****. If he did, he'd work at our relationship and he'd work to prove that he cares about me. He would have bought me gifts when special holidays came around, taken me out when I wanted to be pampered, verbally express his love, physically expressed it, put me ahead of his friends for once, or gone on the trip to see my dad Monday like I wanted him so badly to do. I'm not a demanding person, or girlfriend, but I do need some signs that show his heart is in it, and his heart just isn't there. Nothing wrong with that, but there is something wrong with my holding on to a relationship that didn't need to be held onto. 5. I wrote an "I love you" note to myself today, and I realized then that I need to love myself and make myself happy first and foremost. I need to love me more than I love him, and put my own feelings on the front burner for the first time in the past however long. I love him, without a doubt, but I have been putting him ahead of me, and he's been doing it too. One of us has to consider my feelings here, and it looks like it's going to have to be me. So, I'm planning on breaking up with him either tomorrow or Saturday (we work together both those days). If I could, I would do it right now while I still have it in me to do so. I want to just change my Facebook status to single, call up everyone I know and tell them the news, but I wont and can't do that until I tell him first. I'm just afraid that by tomorrow this strength I've found will be gone, and that one look at him, and seeing his smile will make me melt once more and chicken out. So how do I go about doing this? Any suggestions? Keep in mind that we work together and neither one of us is going to quit because of our relationship ending. Also, I want to remain friends, and if not that, then civil. I just..have never had to go through anything like this and any input or suggestions would be really appreciated. Thanks guys for putting up with my relationship drama for the past month. If all goes well, hopefully this will be the last post I'll have to post about him again.
blackmagik Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 There is never an easy time to break up. I would do it when I wouldn't see him for a few days since you work with him. I would be very very awkward doing it on a day you both work. I would definitely do it face to face as any other way is cowardly in my opinion. It is also always best to lay everything out there. I have been in situations where I didn't leave it all out there and I look back at it and I wish things didn't remain unspoken. Good Luck! Hopefully your next post will be that of happiness with a new guy!
Imajerk17 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) I don't know what to tell you, except to say that so many people around you are just so messed up. I will restrain myself and just say that I actually agree with your boyfriend on 1. If the girl I was dating asked me to go on a double date like that, I wouldn't do it either. I'd think of outing her too. Your best friend--there's a NAME for women like that you know. What kind of girl would think it is OK to go on a date with a guy when she is engaged? She is cheating on her fiance AND leading the other guy on. Edited February 25, 2011 by Imajerk17
Intricategirl Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I don't know the backstory, but agree that it shouldn't be done at work. That's going to make for the world's worst shift EVER. I don't know if I'd put it all out there. I've gone both ways, and kind of prefer leaving stuff unsaid. I guess for me, one of the benefits of ending a relationship with someone is that I don't owe them anything ever again. The fact that it isn't working is explanation enough. That doesn't mean I'm cruel, and if they want an explanation, I'll give it. But I don't really tell them everything on my mind.
blackmagik Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Your best friend--there's a NAME for women like that you know. What kind of girl would think it is OK to go on a date with a guy when she is engaged? She is cheating on her fiance AND leading the other guy on. Oh yeah, on #1 I totally agree with your boyfriend. What is up with your friend dating when she is engaged. Thats some scandalous bs if you ask me. If she is doing that now, I feel bad for her doomed marriage.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I don't know what to tell you, except to say that so many people around you are just so messed up. I will restrain myself and just say that I actually agree with your boyfriend on 1. If the girl I was dating asked me to go on a double date like that, I wouldn't do it either. I'd think of outing her too. Your best friend--there's a NAME for women like that you know. What kind of girl would think it is OK to go on a date with a guy when she is engaged? She is cheating on her fiance AND leading the other guy on. I agree with him too. I actually felt relief when he said that he wouldn't go on the date, that way I wouldn't have to be the "bad guy" and tell my friend no to her offer. It makes me sick to think that she's doing this to her fiancee - the guy who she can't see a future without and says is her soul mate - and has done it before in the past. But I know the exact reason why she's doing this - she's only 20 and he's (now) 46. She's scared of settling down so young and with such a huge age gap even though she's says she's so ready to. She wants to see who all is out there, and be with different guys while staying with her fiancee. This guy just wants quick sex and that's it I think anyway. But according to her, it's not a "date" they're just going as "friends" and she didn't want to be alone with him so she wanted to "double." It's ridiculous, but I'm not the one to judge, or the one who she's going to hurt. But yea..I definitely have quite a few messed up people around me, I need new friends.
heartshaped Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Faced with this new information Lilmisus, I agree with you that he isn't likely cheating. Cheaters wouldn't react that way to those two incidents. I highly doubt it went any further than talking to those women, but still I can understand how that is troubling especially if he didn't openly disclose talking with them. I was wondering then though what has finally made you feel that you need to break up with him if not this issue? You say you love him and I am sure that he loves you and you do mention some issues here, but nothing too extreme. Have you talked with him about any of this? I know one of your main issues with him was lack of communication.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Faced with this new information Lilmisus, I agree with you that he isn't likely cheating. Cheaters wouldn't react that way to those two incidents. I highly doubt it went any further than talking to those women, but still I can understand how that is troubling especially if he didn't openly disclose talking with them. I was wondering then though what has finally made you feel that you need to break up with him if not this issue? You say you love him and I am sure that he loves you and you do mention some issues here, but nothing too extreme. Have you talked with him about any of this? I know one of your main issues with him was lack of communication. I have talked to him about many of our issues, and I've made it a point to be more open about how I feel about things, especially recently. My thoughts about his cheating didn't do me in because I realized that they were more or less irrational thoughts that I couldn't use against him. The biggest thing was how he just doesn't show he cares about me at all. What really did it for me tonight was how all day today he just seemed like he didn't give a crap about me. I felt more like a friend and needy girlfriend than anything else. Then tonight, after work (and after he paid for both of us to eat) we were out in the parking lot with his best friend waiting for another friend to get off. He just stood there talking to his friend, and practically ignored me. I tried joining in on the conversation multiple times, I tried holding his hand and letting him know that I wanted to be included, but he just..didn't. When I said I was leaving, he tried to get away with giving me a peck and a high five and I told him that that didn't work for me and practically begged him to give me a real kiss and hug goodbye. I felt needy, clingy, and desperate. When I finally left, I felt like he saw me as just one of the guys or just another coworker, and not as his girlfriend of nine months. On my way back home, I envisioned what it would be like to find "the one" for me, and I realized that when I find "the one" he wouldn't make me feel like this. He would make me feel loved, whole, and make me his top priority. I listened to the song "Have you ever really loved a woman?" and realized that he just doesn't love me, and I need to be loved and can't meet my needs, regardless of how simple I may try to make them. I love him, but if he can't love and care about me the way I need to be, then there's no point in my being with him. All the dramatic things that have happened to us within our relationship just made me realize this, and every way he's screwed up has piled up way too high. We just aren't right for each other. Like I said, nothing wrong with that. I still want nothing more than for his ultimate happiness, and I know I could never hate him especially if his biggest crime towards me is just not loving me in return.
heartshaped Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I agree it just seems the two of you have different wants/needs in the relationship. Not at all a bad thing and I wouldn't even doubt the fact he probably deeply cares for you, but people express that caring in different ways and the bottom line is your needs aren't being met. I think you are doing the right thing for you. Personally, I wouldn't break up with him a day I had to work with him because I think that would just be a little awkward to have to work all day in close vicinity to one another after that. If you want to remain friends or at least, civil, I would mention that in the break up. In fact, using those exact words wouldn't really be terribly. Saying that you care deeply for him, but think the two of you would work better as friends and hope that the two of you can remain friends or at least, civil.
jane100 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 The biggest thing was how he just doesn't show he cares about me at all. What really did it for me tonight was how all day today he just seemed like he didn't give a crap about me. I felt more like a friend and needy girlfriend than anything else.... On my way back home, I envisioned what it would be like to find "the one" for me, and I realized that when I find "the one" he wouldn't make me feel like this. He would make me feel loved, whole, and make me his top priority. .... I know I could never hate him especially if his biggest crime towards me is just not loving me in return. Above feels an incredibly mature post, especially that you realise all this after just 9 months (think, some people go on for years) though I see there is a lot of sadness in there too. You don't hate him, its just he didn't love you in the way you needed. Perhaps that will make it easier for you to "work" as colleagues.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 #1 While my views on people who are simply going steady dating other people are well known...being engaged to be married and being married are in a different category. That has to be treated with the utmost seriousness. Your 20 year old friend does not seem to really grasp with full cognition just how serious it really is and is not ready to be married. If I were your boyfriend I would probably tell on her...perhaps you should find a way to yourself. 2.)I know just how you feel. Something quite simmilar may have just been done to me by someone I have been talking to for a while. 3.)Your mutual friend is right. 4.)He probably didn't cheat...but anyone could. Just assume that anyone no matter how homely has other options... maybe even options they don't even realize they have. So one can never be 100% sure their not going to get cheated on. 5.)You are a woman with true self esteem. You are the kind of woman that nice guys are looking for. Someone who loves them self enough not to think it's good to have a man jerk them around. Good for you.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I agree it just seems the two of you have different wants/needs in the relationship. Not at all a bad thing and I wouldn't even doubt the fact he probably deeply cares for you, but people express that caring in different ways and the bottom line is your needs aren't being met. I think you are doing the right thing for you. Personally, I wouldn't break up with him a day I had to work with him because I think that would just be a little awkward to have to work all day in close vicinity to one another after that. If you want to remain friends or at least, civil, I would mention that in the break up. In fact, using those exact words wouldn't really be terribly. Saying that you care deeply for him, but think the two of you would work better as friends and hope that the two of you can remain friends or at least, civil. Thank you for your input. What sucks is the fact that since he rides with two other people to/from work, they'd have to be waiting on him or vice versa, so now I'm wondering if I should just try to do it sometime next week if him and I have a day off together, that way no one will be around, and it wont have to be at work? I just would hate to try to go out on another date and then have my mind changed, and be right back where I was before last night..on the edge, unsure of if I should close the door or not. At least now I know to never date another coworker again.
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