betsssssy Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Sometimes I don't feel like dating, and I don't. Perfectly reasonable choice to make. For me the desire always comes back. Also, one of the things that helps me when I'm discouraged is to remember that I date for lots of reasons, only one of which is to find a partner. http://dontforgetthecondoms.blogspot.com/2011/02/finding-partner-isnt-all-there-is.html I wrote about it in my blog, and maybe the post will help.
jane100 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Cee with all due respect to your sage advice it really does not apply to men. Opporutiunity does not "present itself" to men. Also, opportunity doesn't always present itself to women either, it just depends on circumstances, social and otherwise. Thats why, for me, internet dating is necessary. As for original OP: yes, I agree, I think you need a break after a while, especially with internet dating. It takes a lot of energy, and once you are feeling a bit "jaded" you need to take a holiday from it all, and come back hopefully all guns blazing! I am going to have a break very soon... my experience so far like Betssssy is that the desire does come back ....
jane100 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Also, one of the things that helps me when I'm discouraged is to remember that I date for lots of reasons, only one of which is to find a partner. http://dontforgetthecondoms.blogspot.com/2011/02/finding-partner-isnt-all-there-is.html I wrote about it in my blog, and maybe the post will help. Yes, I like your little graph, I find alot of it true .
Mrlonelyone Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Also, opportunity doesn't always present itself to women either, it just depends on circumstances, social and otherwise. Thats why, for me, internet dating is necessary. Your not fully understanding it. I guess you need to be in a mans's shoes. I know there are women who simply do not get approached allot. However men, even attractive men get approached very rarely if at all by women. When I say approached I mean not just the subconcious flirtyness.... I mean verbally asked out or asked for our numbers etc.
jane100 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Your not fully understanding it. I guess you need to be in a mans's shoes. I know there are women who simply do not get approached allot. However men, even attractive men get approached very rarely if at all by women. When I say approached I mean not just the subconcious flirtyness.... I mean verbally asked out or asked for our numbers etc. I do understand where you are coming from, you just don't get where I am coming from! BTW, I do not mean flirtyness, I mean dating! My point was that it depends on circumstances, and has little or nothing to do with attractiveness. I suspect your life-experience has been different and you can't imagine a different way of being for a woman.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I do understand where you are coming from, you just don't get where I am coming from! BTW, I do not mean flirtyness, I mean dating! My point was that it depends on circumstances, and has little or nothing to do with attractiveness. I suspect your life-experience has been different and you can't imagine a different way of being for a woman. As a matter of fact I can. Remember I'm bisexual and even lived a part of my life as a transgendered woman. I passed and looked pretty good. All kinds of men...and lesbian women... would approach me in all sorts of odd places. So I have direct experiences that I can compare. Trust me there is a HUGE difference between the two experiences. I think God makes people like me just so we can explain that gap to the rest of you.
Author USMCHokie Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Hokie have you considered just going out to a local pickup joint and having a fling. Single women who aren't looking for a relationship but just want to get some go out to those places looking for just that all the time. I know it's not as emotionally satisfying as sex within a relationship with someone you care about...but it's better than nothing. Eh, I learned that that's not really my style...and to be perfectly honest, I don't really know how to "pickup"... I never really got to experience that whole phase in my life...
Mrlonelyone Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 As a matter of fact I can. Remember I'm bisexual and even lived a part of my life as a transgendered woman. I passed and looked pretty good. All kinds of men...and lesbian women... would approach me in all sorts of odd places. So I have direct experiences that I can compare. Trust me there is a HUGE difference between the two experiences. I think God makes people like me just so we can explain that gap to the rest of you. Let me elaborate on the huge difference between the experiences. As a transwoman I was approached by men, lesbian women, and women who are somewhat bicurious. They would ask me out...ask me to do things. As a living a more masculine life I am not approached by anyone in any overt way. I have to do the asking. This is with what I would consider a more or less similar level of physical attractiveness in either role...and the exact same personality. Ladies...the experience of dating is qualitatively very different for men. I almost think that when it comes to a mans dating problems advice of what worked for a woman is useless...and vice versa.
Author USMCHokie Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 As for original OP: yes, I agree, I think you need a break after a while, especially with internet dating. It takes a lot of energy, and once you are feeling a bit "jaded" you need to take a holiday from it all, and come back hopefully all guns blazing! I am going to have a break very soon... my experience so far like Betssssy is that the desire does come back .... Well, I feel like I have just taken that "break" and am coming back with guns blazing...but that desire still isn't there...but then again, it hasn't even been a day yet...
Author USMCHokie Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Opporutiunity does not "present itself" to men. Men have to try to interpret a womans subtle and often contradictory signals of interest. Then act on those by approaching them. I do have to agree with you here...for men, passivity in dating is often met with failure, or at least lack of success...
tman666 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 After a string of fairly lousy girlfriends in back in college I took approximately 1 year off of any dating/relationships. I didn't make a conscious decision to take a whole year off. It was more of a shift of my energy and focus to other things. So yeah, I was not entirely motivated to date. Of course, I'd see girls that I would be attracted to, but I always ended up occupied other things. I tend to look back on that time as a turning point in my life because of the self confidence that was built during that time. I feel like branching out my interests, making better friends and making bettering myself a full time pursuit really helped me establish what I liked doing, what I didn't like doing, and what kind of person I wanted to be. To me, searching for a girl to be interested in online does not make any sense. If you're not feeling motivated about reading piles of what are essentially relationship advertisements/resumes online, then don't feel like you have to. Face to face chemistry and interaction with a girl is the only reliable way that I know of to have true motivation to want to date.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I feel this way, every single day.
Nexus One Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) Until a few months ago, and I swear this is true, I pretty much forgot about women completely. I forgot about women in the sense of them being one of the major aspects in life. Because I was focused on studying, focused on work, focused on working and (co-)founding start-ups and I didn't allow myself to multi-focus and allow distractions in my life. So a few months ago I think something biological kicked in and it kicked in hard and I felt: "I want something meaningful." And that's when I thought: "Oh yeah, bloody hell, I totally forgot about women!" If I didn't have that "revelation" I would have proceeded as was. I wouldn't have gotten behind on schedule though. Damn it, that's one of several aspects that annoys me right now. A business of mine should have gone live in January, but I did very little during December and it's almost March now. I've never been so distracted during my life as I've been during the last few months. It's getting a bit better now though, but that sh*t is just not normal. I blame you...women. So I think my motivation regarding dating might actually be as high as it has ever been, even though I rationally know that I want to focus on other things. And to be honest I'm kind of hoping the chemicals that are driving all this are going to dwindle down to an acceptable level. I'll keep women on my mind, but I need to be able to focus on other things too. Edited February 25, 2011 by Nexus One
jane100 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) As a matter of fact I can. Remember I'm bisexual and even lived a part of my life as a transgendered woman. I passed and looked pretty good. So I have direct experiences that I can compare. I never said ALL women! I SAID my CIRCUMSTANCES are DIFFERENT and you could not SIMPLY make assumptions on GENDER as you DID. I meant a different way of being for a woman than YOU have come across was my point, we can live culturally narrow lives even when we meet lots of people, whether its meeting the opposite sex or being transgendered. Obviously there are differences between men and women, I am not denying that, but my experience is that it is NOT as black and white as you say! I don't think you can speak for me or my experience since you do not know me. Edited February 25, 2011 by jane100
Mrlonelyone Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I never said ALL women! I SAID my CIRCUMSTANCES are DIFFERENT and you could not SIMPLY make assumptions on GENDER as you DID. I meant a different way of being for a woman than YOU have come across was my point, we can live culturally narrow lives even when we meet lots of people, whether its meeting the opposite sex or being transgendered. Obviously there are differences between men and women, I am not denying that, but my experience is that it is NOT as black and white as you say! I don't think you can speak for me or my experience since you do not know me. I am not speaking for your experience in particular. No one here knows anyone else. All anyone can do is draw on their own experiences. You said I could not know what you might deal with. I corrected you... I am the one kind of person who does know a bit of what men and women go through. Trust me it's WAY different for a man. Jane... I like you.. Please just accept my observation that being passive simply is a no-go for a man. The passive "just stop looking approach" is a good way for a man to get a life sentence of loneliness.
jane100 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) Jane... I like you.. Please just accept my observation that being passive simply is a no-go for a man. I never disagreed with that observation, of course I understand that, it is pretty self-evident. I just said it can be that way for women too, depending on circumstances .... And also how you define "passive", its not always what it seems.... Apart from that Mr Lonelyone, I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one, i'll leave it there. Edited February 25, 2011 by jane100
Knittress Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I've never felt any desire to date. Quite often I've felt a painfully overwhelming desire to be in a relationship, but that just tends to make me more depressed and withdrawn. Now I've lost quite a bit of weight and have gotten a lot more outgoing, but I still don't generally 'go out.' Sometimes when I'm out during the day I get stared at, even a few 'damns', but the whole thing just kinda freaks me out. I should probably make more of an effort to act interested and available, but... ugh. I've gotten into a a few relationships and 'situations' but as far as being asked out on a date I can count them on one hand. Late 20s now. I'm gonna be one of those frizzy-haired cat ladies, aren't I?
Author USMCHokie Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 After a string of fairly lousy girlfriends in back in college I took approximately 1 year off of any dating/relationships. I didn't make a conscious decision to take a whole year off. It was more of a shift of my energy and focus to other things. I've noticed that I'm so busy with work lately that women and dating are the last things I would even think about during the week. So yeah, I was not entirely motivated to date. Of course, I'd see girls that I would be attracted to, but I always ended up occupied other things. I tend to look back on that time as a turning point in my life because of the self confidence that was built during that time. I feel like branching out my interests, making better friends and making bettering myself a full time pursuit really helped me establish what I liked doing, what I didn't like doing, and what kind of person I wanted to be. This is a good idea. To me, searching for a girl to be interested in online does not make any sense. If you're not feeling motivated about reading piles of what are essentially relationship advertisements/resumes online, then don't feel like you have to. Yea, I certainly don't feel like I have to...and occasionally I'll get bored enough to log on and look through a few profiles, and sometimes I'll see one who's both attractive and interesting, but then I'll just close it out and go do something else. Face to face chemistry and interaction with a girl is the only reliable way that I know of to have true motivation to want to date. Agreed.
Author USMCHokie Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Late 20s now. I'm gonna be one of those frizzy-haired cat ladies, aren't I? Oh, come now...
irc333 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 No, you still have some time, what you're speaking of is something that a woman would be looking forward to if they've reached 35+. It's around that age where there's that potential. LOL Esp if they've never been married and have no kids. Usually a woman that's attractive, single, never married, and no kids and approaching for or perhaps even beyond 40 or so overly picky, well, that's the reason they've been single for THAT long. I've never felt any desire to date. Quite often I've felt a painfully overwhelming desire to be in a relationship, but that just tends to make me more depressed and withdrawn. Now I've lost quite a bit of weight and have gotten a lot more outgoing, but I still don't generally 'go out.' Sometimes when I'm out during the day I get stared at, even a few 'damns', but the whole thing just kinda freaks me out. I should probably make more of an effort to act interested and available, but... ugh. I've gotten into a a few relationships and 'situations' but as far as being asked out on a date I can count them on one hand. Late 20s now. I'm gonna be one of those frizzy-haired cat ladies, aren't I?
Knittress Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Oh, come now... Oh, what? Only YOUR anxieties are rational? At least YOU can have kids in your 40s.
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Often. Not so much because I don't want to date, but more because every time I put myself out there things don't go so well, so I end up going around in circles. Also, I have no idea what kind of girl I'd like to be with except for some very vague characteristics that I find desirable. I'm a well rounded person who enjoys going to a museum just as much as playing basketball for hours on end; I watch the History Channel just as much as I do ESPN. So far I've always gone for the smart girls but I do wonder whether I'd be better off going after girls who are more into sports and physical fitness. And, my inexperience has also made it so that every time I talk to a strange girl (be it in class whatever) I have a tremendous amount of nervousness. Sometimes it seems easier just to avoid women altogether than try to actively pursue one.
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