fallen_one Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I’ve been married going on 3 years i am 27 and my wife 24 and we have no kids. She’s in college right now and is busy with homework a lot. Last night my wife went out with her parents, while she was out I text her that i missed her that we had barley seen each other because of work and school. I was all romantic and an unexpected reply threw me off. She had asked why I was so sentimental that she feels were going in different directions. So I told her we would talk about it when she gets home. When she did she told me she didn’t feel I was supporting her in school or any of her goals, which I always told her and showed her I did. And she told me she doesn’t feel the same spark that we had when we first got married that we fell into a routine and she couldn’t stand it. She wanted to be spontaneous like before. She told me she still loves me and really want things to go back how they were. So we decided she would move back with her father for a while, she didn’t say how long just as long as it takes. She had told me all she would be taking are a few articles of clothing for work and school, so I didn’t mind that it gave me hope of this separation not being long. She moved out this morning while I was at work, when i came home she had taken all of her things, her dresser, her pictures of us, left only my things and my pictures. Does this mean she doesn’t want to come back what should I do? How should I respond to her move? Do I still have a chance of saving my marriage?
BlindRage Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 You want her back? Act happy then. Go out and enjoy yourself. Don't start harassing her, actually, leave her alone completely. Do the 180. Show her that you are still fun and can be spontaneous (don't call her to brag about the things you do let her find out for herself -actions speak louder than words-) Good luck. Sorry that you're here though.
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 It sounds to me that her issues and frustrations run much deeper than you realize. It's also probably that she's been feeling this way for quite some time. Someone doesn't pick up and move out on a whim, a lot of thought goes into such a decision. As much as I agree with the above person that it's best to let someoone have their space when they leave, I don't think that's what you should do in this situation. I think you need to have a disussion first. The two of you are married and she essentially just told you via text that she doesn't feel you support her, then she moved out. You can't just leave it at that- you need to get to the bottom of things first- THEN, if she maintains her stance of taking a break- that's when you can give her space. You really should try first before cutting off contact. At the very least, you have to discuss what the heck is happening. If she truly doesn't feel supported, and you go into strict no contact with her, that action will just confirm how she is feeling. It's quite possible she's pulling away because she feels like she has to take drastic action in order to get you to take notice of how she is feeling. Nobody moves out on a whim, I suspect she feels like she has been giving you clues for some time how she is feeling. If you truly want to make things work, at this juncture, you should talk to her and get to the bottom of what is really going on. My bf is not good at communication, and sometimes it frustrates me to the point where I retreat from him. If you're not good at communication, and you want things to work out with her- learn to become better at it for the sake of your marriage. Somethings people resort to drastic measures in order to prompt change- her action may be a real call for you to step up to the plate. Talk first before it's too late. If she wants to stick to her plan, then you can give her space, but you owe it to your marriage to try FIRST. There is obviously more going on than she is giving you- so find out what that is. Knowing what you are up against is the only way to rectify the problem.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 She's made a big mistake by packing up and running home. if she wants the marriage to be better, it's a two way street! She needs to stay, be an adult, be mature and work WITH you to make things better. Not run home to mommy and daddy because she feels life's daily grind has gotten in the way. It makes me wonder why her parents haven't encouraged her to stay with you. How is your marriage going to be fixed, and become more spontanious if she isn't there? Ask to her to dinner, take her on a date. Plan a romantic, yet fun filled evening for her. Do a sleepover and make love in various rooms of the house. Tell her you will put in the effort, but she has to as well. Both of you need to sit and talk, really listen to one another with an open mind and open heart to help figure out what happens next. It would be a shame if she threw in the towel so quickly without trying. Sorry to say this, but I have to. Are you sure she hasn't met someone else?
seibert253 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I know many are waiting, so I'll be the first to ask; is there another man in the picture here? Don't be too quick to say no. I think if you poll us BS's you'd find 90% of us would never expect our W's to cheat. Many never see it coming. Now each situation is different, but if you do your research, you'll find so many posts here from guys whose W's felt "lost", "disconnected", or any of the other terms associated with it, then decided to move out, only to learn their W's were involved in A's. So, what now? IMO in order to successfully win the war, you need to know the enemy you're battling. Do some investigating. Check phone records, emails, etc. Dude, college dudes pray on M'd women. "Bagging" a married women is a symbol of status on campuses. Shame, but it's true. Attracting your W back to a M that in her opinion has become stale or monotonous is one thing, but trying to attract her back when there's an OM in the picture requires a completely different approach. Just something for you to consider. Good luck to you
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I know many are waiting, so I'll be the first to ask; is there another man in the picture here? I asked first, eh! Though I think he needs to ask her directly if she's met someone else and then watch her reaction, rather than dig and read emails first. If she hasn't shown the typical behaviour of someone cheating (sounds like she's home alot and both have settled into a routine and she's feeling more it's roommates rather than husband and wife) then she may not be involved.
Author fallen_one Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 thank you all for your advice, I have thought of the possibility of another man and I asked her directly to be honest if there is another man, her response was no and from her reaction I could tell she was telling the truth, I will give her the space she need and I will ask her on dates. I wont move on with my life like she has left for good but I will just stay busy to get my mind off her while she works thinks out in any matter she feels necessary. Once again thank you all
seibert253 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 thank you all for your advice, I have thought of the possibility of another man and I asked her directly to be honest if there is another man, her response was no and from her reaction I could tell she was telling the truth, I will give her the space she need and I will ask her on dates. I wont move on with my life like she has left for good but I will just stay busy to get my mind off her while she works thinks out in any matter she feels necessary. Once again thank you all My FWW denied being involved with someone else and I believed her. Boy was I wrong. I hope you're not. Give her distance. She needs to miss you, and see what she's throwing away. But, I wouldn't wait or let her string you along too long. She needs to know you're not going to wait two forevers and a day, for her to make up her mind. I wish you luck my friend.
robf1971 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 . Now each situation is different, but if you do your research, you'll find so many posts here from guys whose W's felt "lost", "disconnected", or any of the other terms associated with it, then decided to move out, only to learn their W's were involved in A's. So, what now? IMO in order to successfully win the war, you need to know the enemy you're battling. Do some investigating. Check phone records, emails, etc. Dude, college dudes pray on M'd women. "Bagging" a married women is a symbol of status on campuses. Shame, but it's true. Attracting your W back to a M that in her opinion has become stale or monotonous is one thing, but trying to attract her back when there's an OM in the picture requires a completely different approach. Just something for you to consider. Good luck to you Seconded, I was one of the seemingly few where there was no OM, so it isn't always that way but you need to really do your digging.
robf1971 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 And she told me she doesn’t feel the same spark that we had when we first got married Standard Walk away spouse script, I'm surprised you didn't get the "I love you but not in love with you" speech or the "we're like Room mates" BS. Funnily enough I've heard it all and from my experience you can turn it around.
Author fallen_one Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 thank you i know i can do it to with a little work. im having a little problem, my wife keeps texting me and starting up small talk, is this normal and ok, should i just keep talking to her as long as i dont bring up the seperation. we really didnt set up rules for this sort of thing. i also need advice, i a couple of weeks thier is a concert heading to our city from a group we both like. every year we go and have a good time, should i invite her or should i wait till she makes the first move and is it ok to go with her and not mess with the seperation. the last thing i want is to end up the guy friend and not the husband.
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I know many are waiting, so I'll be the first to ask; is there another man in the picture here? Don't be too quick to say no. I think if you poll us BS's you'd find 90% of us would never expect our W's to cheat. Many never see it coming. Now each situation is different, but if you do your research, you'll find so many posts here from guys whose W's felt "lost", "disconnected", or any of the other terms associated with it, then decided to move out, only to learn their W's were involved in A's. So, what now? IMO in order to successfully win the war, you need to know the enemy you're battling. Do some investigating. Check phone records, emails, etc. Dude, college dudes pray on M'd women. "Bagging" a married women is a symbol of status on campuses. Shame, but it's true. Attracting your W back to a M that in her opinion has become stale or monotonous is one thing, but trying to attract her back when there's an OM in the picture requires a completely different approach. Just something for you to consider. Good luck to you Yup. Ya'll already know what I got to say about situations like the original poster's thread. She's cheating fallen_one.
Yasuandio Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) She's "texting" the waters. Don't bite yet! Wait for more experieced LS folks to guide you. As this at be a perfect 180 opporunity. Edited February 27, 2011 by Yasuandio
You Go Girl Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Dates? Well ok, but that's not going to make it or break it, unless the very problem is that you were totally unromantic and complacent. Pussyfooting around? No, don't do this. You need a sit down and ask her to explain the situation in entirety. Be ready to listen without commenting much in return, or, at the very minimum, don't argue--that would be the death of the communication. That doesn't mean bite your tongue--well it does while you listen--point is to hear her out first before commenting. You have every right to expect and assert yourself for a detailed answer of why all this is happening. It is self-respect, and it is the minimum necessary for a break-up when married. Could there be a guy she is eyeing? Quite possibly, but it's not the determining factor here. Something is imbalanced in your relationship. It's been this way for some time. Any guy she is eyeing is just the result of that imbalance. So attack the issue--which is the imbalance. If she doesn't have valid reasons--good ones--for this breakup, then you need to tell her either she loves you or she doesn't, and to contact you when she decides which it is, and then go 180 immediately. If she has valid reasons--then it is time for a lot of communication. Make dates--the kind where you discuss the issues, not the kind where you ignore the issues and try to romance her. (unless, as I said earlier, it was the lack of romance that was the problem--however treating her to princess mode is rarely the cure for a problematic marriage). So find out if the reasons for the breakup are valid, serious, and sincere. You can't figure out what steps to take at this junction until you do an assessment of her reasons for the separation. If the reasons are valid--you have something clear to start working on. If the reasons are invalid--180 you go while she is off in whatever fantasy land she has fled to. Figure out which it is.
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