califsb Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Back ground: I broke NC after 3 weeks and met her for 2 hours in person. very good talk but I lost my power and she wants to be friends and I agreed like a fool. she is going to contact me in a few weeks to hang out or get dinner as she said... Orginally i was the one who actually had told her i need to get off the rollercoaster.. so techincally she did not break up with me but she kept saying she does not want a R and but she also did not have to guts to let me go. she felt she was not ready for a full R and needed to find herslef before she could be a "we". So i took the bull and told her we needed a time out or a break. but it really is a break up. She wants to be friends cause she kept saying i dont want this right now.. and she wants to keep her options open and wants to hang out wtih me and my huge circule of friends... all positive stuff for her to stay "friends" with me.. So options so when she contacts me to hang out with her are 1) when she texts me which she will.. to hang out: My answer is: "No sorry I am busy." 2) Send her this email. Thank for you your text asking me to hang out this weekend. After much thought in the last two weeks, I have come to the conclusion that it simply impossible for me to be around you the capacity of a friend. The truth is I only want to be with you in one capacity and that is in a loving, mutally respecting , sharing, and trusting romantic relationship. God brought us together for a reason and the reason was for me to love you and to show you how to love and for you to be with me in a balanced relationship. Things are to raw for me and I can simply adjust myself to hang out with you. You can not feel that love and me being around in this rollercoaster ride is unhealthy for me at right now. You know what we are capable of when you choose to embrace the relatiosnhip and not allow your negative thoughts and fears to dominate your feelings. . I am tired of giving space in a realtosnhip. or putting aside my natural warm loving affection so y an feel free. I am not going to be pretednging I want to be your friend and hang out as friends when in reality we both know I want more. It just does not work that way. You want to be free and indepedant and not be in any kind of connection right now. I get that. So there is nothing more between us until the day you feel you want to give us another shot. If you decide things change for you and want to explore what we have and talk about your feelings, I would be happy to go out for dinner or meet in person and see where you are at and we can talk about it as two adults who care and respect eachother. I know you have covninced yourself for now you dont want to be with anyone... but time will heal that.. and when that day comes, look into the mirror and go through the amazing histroy we created in spite of in the last 6 months. I know what I am worth and no longer going to deny it to myslef with you. At some point you have to stop allowing your past to dominate your present and take a risk and let your heart free. and not allow the toxic energy of your past to control you by not allowing you to feel and running away from a healthy connection... scars heal.. anger goes away.. I wish you all the best and if we run into eachother via my friends.. then we do..
snug.bunny Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 How long were you boyfriend/girlfriend before all this went down?
Author califsb Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Very intense felt more like a year.. we get along great and are like best friends and had many fun adventures.. told people he is one of the most amazing men in the world.. heart of gold and she even said to me.. I dont know if i deserve your love.. she has had several bad relationships and one right before meeting me.. I met her family she met mine.. totally got close to my friends.. and I did many amazign and very sweet things for her.. she was giving missed messages allot and was hot and cold and many told her u would be crazy to let him go.. her main point is the timing was off and she needs to time to find herself..
snug.bunny Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Very intense felt more like a year.. we get along great and are like best friends and had many fun adventures.. told people he is one of the most amazing men in the world.. heart of gold and she even said to me.. I dont know if i deserve your love.. she has had several bad relationships and one right before meeting me.. I met her family she met mine.. totally got close to my friends.. and I did many amazign and very sweet things for her.. she was giving missed messages allot and was hot and cold and many told her u would be crazy to let him go.. her main point is the timing was off and she needs to time to find herself.. Six months seems like a relatively short period of time for someone to reach the level you described just out of the blue. I said the "I need to find myself" with an ex, but we had been together for years, it was my first major relationship and reached a point where I felt too young to be in such a serious relationship and wanted "me" time. Towards the end, he suffocated me excessively with certain things, I recall a few instances where I was pleading with him in tears, just to let it be (if we were having an argument over something and getting no where, he would bang his hand on the table yelling that we needed to work it out right then and there). There were other things, but I am just trying to give you a sense of perspective. I think given what you've described, I do not think it is wise to be hanging out with her right now. UNLESS, you can keep it platonic and even keeled, but that would mean stuffing your feelings aside and you don't want to put yourself in that type of position. She told you she wasn't ready to consider a relationship, so, you have to back off, keep your feelings in check as best you can and try to move forward.
sally4sara Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) Back ground: I broke NC after 3 weeks and met her for 2 hours in person. very good talk but I lost my power and she wants to be friends and I agreed like a fool. she is going to contact me in a few weeks to hang out or get dinner as she said... Orginally i was the one who actually had told her i need to get off the rollercoaster.. so techincally she did not break up with me but she kept saying she does not want a R and but she also did not have to guts to let me go. she felt she was not ready for a full R and needed to find herslef before she could be a "we". So i took the bull and told her we needed a time out or a break. but it really is a break up. She wants to be friends cause she kept saying i dont want this right now.. and she wants to keep her options open and wants to hang out wtih me and my huge circule of friends... all positive stuff for her to stay "friends" with me.. So options so when she contacts me to hang out with her are 1) when she texts me which she will.. to hang out: My answer is: "No sorry I am busy." 2) Send her this email. Thank for you your text asking me to hang out this weekend. After much thought in the last two weeks, I have come to the conclusion that it simply impossible for me to be around you the capacity of a friend. The truth is I only want to be with you in one capacity and that is in a loving, mutally respecting , sharing, and trusting romantic relationship. God brought us together for a reason and the reason was for me to love you and to show you how to love and for you to be with me in a balanced relationship. Things are to raw for me and I can simply adjust myself to hang out with you. You can not feel that love and me being around in this rollercoaster ride is unhealthy for me at right now. You know what we are capable of when you choose to embrace the relatiosnhip and not allow your negative thoughts and fears to dominate your feelings. . I am tired of giving space in a realtosnhip. or putting aside my natural warm loving affection so y an feel free. I am not going to be pretednging I want to be your friend and hang out as friends when in reality we both know I want more. It just does not work that way. You want to be free and indepedant and not be in any kind of connection right now. I get that. So there is nothing more between us until the day you feel you want to give us another shot. If you decide things change for you and want to explore what we have and talk about your feelings, I would be happy to go out for dinner or meet in person and see where you are at and we can talk about it as two adults who care and respect eachother. I know you have covninced yourself for now you dont want to be with anyone... but time will heal that.. and when that day comes, look into the mirror and go through the amazing histroy we created in spite of in the last 6 months. I know what I am worth and no longer going to deny it to myslef with you. At some point you have to stop allowing your past to dominate your present and take a risk and let your heart free. and not allow the toxic energy of your past to control you by not allowing you to feel and running away from a healthy connection... scars heal.. anger goes away.. I wish you all the best and if we run into eachother via my friends.. then we do.. The bolded stuff isn't going to get her out of your hair. It will make her doubt your sincerity towards leaving you alone unless she is ready to have the relationship you want. So unless you don't really mean that you'd rather see her gone than be her friend, don't say that stuff. Tell her what you want, what you'll accept and that if you can't have that you want nothing - period. The underlined parts are the worst; they're all "oh you run the show, I live on your time table, I'll be here waiting helplessly till then" will only make her think all she has to do is give you a little taste, some small sign of hope, and you'll be right back to playing her game. Edited February 25, 2011 by sally4sara
Author califsb Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Please let me know.. thanks ladies..
Rose T Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I think I'd go for "sorry I'm busy" (#1) but in a friendly way. Kind of, 'Oh, hi! sorry really busy at the moment, have a good night anyway". You have to sound more confident and breezy than you feel and give the appearance that you have plenty going on in your life. You should avoid sounding needy, upset with her, or that you are at all waiting on her schedule. If you give her forever to come back to you (like the bolded parts in the email) she'll take forever, trust me. If you want to hurry her into making an effort with you sounds like she'll have to be shocked into it - she'll have to sense that you're moving on and have other options. That said, girls who are only "into" you when you're keeping them on their toes are exhausting and not much fun. It's better to be with someone that appreciates your vulnerability and makes you feel safe at the same time. Not easy to find but so very important.
Author califsb Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Brilliant reply. u are so right.. my reply needs to show confidence and not like I am upset with her. The email is too much and I am going to stick with a short but simple reply such as hey there.. sorry busy right now.. maybe next time. take care. " thoughts > anyone? your feed back ladies means allot to me..
depplover_1980 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Brilliant reply. u are so right.. my reply needs to show confidence and not like I am upset with her. The email is too much and I am going to stick with a short but simple reply such as hey there.. sorry busy right now.. maybe next time. take care. " thoughts > anyone? your feed back ladies means allot to me.. I answered you on that other thread you did...
Author califsb Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 WHAT if she just texts and says hi how are you.. before she asks me to hang out.. i wont even get a chance to say no i am busy.. I really want to reject her wanting to hang out..i know she wants to be friends and stay close in some ways..
snug.bunny Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 WHAT if she just texts and says hi how are you.. before she asks me to hang out.. i wont even get a chance to say no i am busy.. I really want to reject her wanting to hang out..i know she wants to be friends and stay close in some ways.. I suggest you just go complete no contact and do not respond if she contacts you to hang out. Wanting to "reject" her is your reaction of wanting to hurt her and/or seek revenge because she hurt you and you're angry at her. You need to get out of that head space because it will keep you stuck versus moving forward. You want to get to a point, that the thought of her or any contact from her, doesn't cause distress but instead, indifference.
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