Any suggestions?

[pisces44]

I need help. I feel like I’m at rock bottom; the point of no return. I’m ready to give up. I don’t know what to do. Please help me...

 

I found this one guy on a dating web site, his profile was stellar. It said to look him up on facebook, so I did exactly what he wrote in his profile and requested him, sent a message to start up conversation. This guy treated me like his barbie doll for three and a half months, keeping me at a safe distance, ignoring me more than he talked to me. But I kept on trying because I thought the good outweighed the bad. I was trying to schedule plans again and he tried every excuse in the book. It came to the point where he said he needed to talk to me because there is someone else. Turns out he has this female friend who he has been obsessed with since childhood and that he wants to try things out with her since she just came to him that week and opened up. Needless to say he screwed me over royally.

 

Unsure of what to do in this situation I befriended his best male friend, seeking his personal advice. This was 2/1/2011... He was so kind and genuine in talking to me. He was honest with me. We continued talking, and talking, and talking... the best friend and I really hit it off despite the circumstances. We would spend hours talking at night online, and texting from time to time during the day occasionally. We ended up meeting up and hanging out together. It was perfect. We continued talking as we had been before. He is nothing like his (cold withdrawn) best friend, and even admitted so when we were randomly talking about it amidst an evening conversation online. He’s not a jerk by any means. He’s thoughtful, warm, all kinds of positive things women desire in a man. He would constantly ask me things like how my day was going, things like that, and one night he even said that he didn’t get to talk to me much that day and he hoped that I had a great day. He lives 40 miles away. He made a huge deal about wanting to spend time with me on Valentine’s day, and drove all that way after a long day to come see me. We had a great time together. Monday was “picture perfect.” We continued talking as before. Tuesday was normal, as per our usual, Wednesday was fine too. I was on cloud nine, or so I thought... I didn’t hear from him at all during the day or see him on at all on Thursday so I sent him a nice text in the evening to which he eventually responded - he had been sleeping, had worked two doubles basically. At least that’s what he said. I asked him if he wanted to do something over the weekend and he said “yeah most likely” not at all like his usual enthusiastic self, but he was overworked and tired. I said goodnight and let it be. Friday I texted him early in the afternoon to try to make plans for sometime over the weekend, no response, so I tried again a few hours later, again no response. Another thing we did that was cute was occasionally point out 11:11 to each other. So Saturday I attempted to do so. No response, but he was at work so probably most likely busy.

 

This is where I really messed up... I called him around the time he was supposed to be getting out of work. He texted me immediately after my call saying he was about to leave work, so I asked him to call me when he got out. He didn’t. I accidentally blew up his phone looking desperate as ever. I just wanted an answer to if I would get to see him and when. I was miserable, and so confused. It was not like him to just suddenly stop talking and completely ignore me. I was used to the enthusiastic polite gentleman who talked to me all the time, at least once a day but most times more than just once. I chatted with the friend who screwed me over for a few minutes, which didn’t make me feel any better. Sunday I sent one text which went unanswered, so I let it be. I was going insane, literally. So I thought of this brilliant idea to message his sister who he told me he talked about me with. Big mistake.

 

Monday I caught him on IM while he was at work and got a quick hi how are you and he responded and then disappeared (granted he was at work). Tuesday at work on IM he chatted for a few minutes and then asked me why I messaged his sister, I told him it was to say hello and talk, pointing out that I wanted to chat with her about the hobby of mine he was talking with her about... I said that I hoped he wasn’t mad, and he said “kind of.” Now, he could have been rude, nasty, all kinds of mean/negative, but he wasn’t, he’s not like that. But that is the last thing he said to me.

 

To further my mistake making, I have been overdoing it. I have read tons of your blogs, and a number of books, but it’s like I can’t control myself. He wanted to know why I messaged her, so I sent him an explanation which included an apology and asking for forgiveness and to let me make it up to him. This was this past Tuesday. I have not said anything since, and he has not responded to my message. The point of the message wasn’t to get a response though, it was to explain myself and give him a complete full disclosure honest answer to his question. I told him how I was feeling upset, and that was why, etc.

 

He is such an amazing person, we were having such a great time talking and really enjoying each other’s company. He was making strides, going out of his way for me, and then bam complete silence which drove me mad. He made it clear that he’s glad he met me despite the circumstances of how we met. I know that he finds me attractive, I know that he likes me, I know that he enjoys the time we spent together, so what gives?

 

I want to give him time and space to come back to me and initiate contact me with me, and see me again on his own terms, but I am a very impatient and impulsive person. I’m terrified to lose the wonderful guy that I found, who was so good to me before things went sour and he withdrew.

 

How did I let myself get into this mess? How did I allow myself to get to such a low point? What went wrong? He was so incredible, and affectionate, - and then did a complete 180 on me... I don’t get it. What do I do now?

[blackmagik]

Best thing to do is not act all crazy and try to find out what he is doing. He could truly be busy. Going and asking his sister is a complete red flag. Although I'm a nice guy I would probably stop talking to a girl if she did that just because I didn't reply. This is definitely stalker style. I would play it cool and go about your business. You went to him after his friend was cold to you, and then you went to his sister the second something was up.

 

Personally you may not be able to salvage anything. At least if I were the guy. I tend to stay away from girls who show their crazy card that early.

[pisces44]

Thank you for your input.

 

I know it is... ugh. I wish I had more self control.

 

He just started ignoring me out of nowhere. He was constantly starting up conversations all the time, and talking to me for long periods of time. He drove 40 miles to see me, more than once... and then nothing, complete silence.

 

I didn't think there was any harm in simply striking up a conversation with his sister, I was just going to talk to her about the hobby of mine he talked to her about. I mean, he told her about me.

 

I'm so confused.

I'm behaving now, and leaving him be, but what the heck...

I'm wishing, hoping, and praying he'll come around...

[blackmagik]

There is harm on introducing yourself to his family and friends without him doing it. That is like sacred ground. I tell my family about the girl I am dating but she has yet to actually meet them, so without that she should never go striking up a conversation. If she were to do that I would be very cautious about my next move with her.

 

Maybe you are moving to fast for him?

[pisces44]

Ah, I see. I never thought of it that way. I don't have any siblings... so I didn't understand that until you said so. I didn't mean to make a mistake in messaging her. I was just trying to cope with being ignored. Obviously the wrong way.

 

It seemed and felt to me that we were both on the same page until he grew silent. We were both thrilled about talking to each other and rather often, and greatly enjoyed the time we spent together when we were hanging out. I'm positive that I didn't do anything wrong, or push him, or give him the impression that I was in a rush (moving too fast like you say) until after he got quiet because that's when all the slip ups on my part occurred. Because everything was really great before then. I mean, he was SO enthusiastic! Truly.

 

It began with me overreacting about the sudden silence/quiet. And I made quite the snowball effect. It's so embarrassing. I never wanted to end up like this. He's really awesome. I'm so ashamed that I f*ed up because of how wonderful of a guy he really is.

 

Like when he let me know he wasn't pleased, he wasn't even nasty - he could have been harsh, but instead he just said "kind of" and fell silent and then left cause he was busy at work anyways.

 

I explained myself and apologized and have not said one word since. What do you recommend I do now from here?

[pisces44]

Does anyone else have any advice?

[blackmagik]

Well from here, let him make the next move. You have already laid it out that you are sorry and apologized to him. So I wouldn't contact him until he makes contact with you. Good Luck!

[pisces44]

Oh I know this and I do agree completely. How long am I supposed to "wait?" This will be a nearly impossible task considering how impulsive and impatient I am.

 

Thank you a ton blackmagik!

 

I don’t know what to do about the whole facebook thing.

 

I thought about being kind of MIA on fb, which might make him wonder about me, but I don’t want him to get suspicious in any way or think I’m trying to stay away on purpose or well, I simply only want to instill positive curiosity and no negative impressions considering the damage I’ve already done.

 

I can’t just not post anything at all, I’m usually a very active user, and random on the site. If I stop acting myself on fb I think that will look suspicious, but I don’t want to overdo it on fb either.

 

 

I’ve turned off the chat feature to try to keep myself in line, these past few days since we last spoke. Since Tue once in a while I’ll turn it back on out of curiosity, but only for a few minutes. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to keep it off because of how that might appear to him as well or if I should just leave it on like normal.

[Lilmisus]

You know what I do whenever I start feeling anxious about my boyfriend? I write down my thoughts and exactly what I want to say to him. I used to keep a journal and every night that I didn't see or talk to him, I'd write down what was on my mind (both good and bad) and basically act like I was talking to him. If I ever felt like I really needed to confront him about something, or see what was going on, I'd write it down (not type) and come back to it a while later, after I cooled down a bit. I'd sit down, read what I wrote however long ago, and try to see it from a third person perspective to know if it sounded too out of line, psycho, or controlling. This has dramatically helped me not send any psycho e-mails, texts, calls, or accusing him of anything. Try it out next time you feel like this.

 

But as to what to do with your boy toy, I say, give him space. Let him see that you're living your life, be available on chat, and DON'T contact him, his sister, or any of his friends unless they're mutual. Give it a few weeks at least, and if he doesn't speak to you before then, give him a little message saying "hey what's up. Was thinking about you and wanted to know how you were" or something along those lines. You've already come across as psycho honestly, and so now you need to show that you can control your feelings and impulses and that you're not obsessed with him. If he doesn't take the bait, then I hope you realize what exactly you did wrong so that the next time a great guy comes along, you wont make the same mistake again. You live and you learn. Good luck.

[pisces44]

Thanks Lilmisus...

I will give your suggestion a try. I usually have a tendency to type everything, but perhaps I'll give writing by hand a shot. Definitely worth a try.

 

I know, which is why I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Hindsight...

 

Have I messed it up to the point of no return? Or do the two of you think that since he’s not like your typical average run of the mill jerk-like male, and actually a good nice guy that he’ll give me a chance to redeem myself? (Take no offense blackmagik you're awesome & super nice too.)

[blackmagik]

To be honest. It depends how old he is. Back in my younger days I would probably give you a second chance if I was completely into you. I'm 28 now and have some years of dating experience under my belt. I personally now would probably cut things off.

 

You seem like a smart girl. I would learn from your mistakes if this one doesn't work out and now you have us on LS for help before you make any moves .

 

I have noticed one thing in dating. Give people time and space and things tend to work out great. For example. With my girlfriend I would never send more then one text at a time. I wait for her to respond before I send another one. She does the same with me. We are both really busy people so its nice to have a message waiting for me when I get out of a meeting or something, but not someone who is constantly blowing up my phone.

[Lilmisus]

Thanks Lilmisus...

I will give your suggestion a try. I usually have a tendency to type everything, but perhaps I'll give writing by hand a shot. Definitely worth a try.

 

I know, which is why I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Hindsight...

 

Have I messed it up to the point of no return? Or do the two of you think that since he’s not like your typical average run of the mill jerk-like male, and actually a good nice guy that he’ll give me a chance to redeem myself? (Take no offense blackmagik you're awesome & super nice too.)

 

Yes, please do. But the most important thing about writing the things down, is to get them out there. It takes a major load off your shoulders, especially if you imagine how it will be if he was reading the letter, or if you were actually talking to him, and not just writing it. It keeps you from having to feel ashamed or embarrassed by yourself.

 

And honestly, I think you have. If he was posting your story on here from his perspective, I'd tell him that he'd need to run, run as fast as he could away. I'm not saying you are psycho, but lack of control is a serious issue that points to psycho, and that's why I'm trying to stress you at least try to control your feelings before you do something irrational again. But no matter how different he may seem from other guys, or how special he may seem, if he just puts up with you behaving like this, then it would spell serious issues with him as well. This is why I said that you need to show that you can control yourself and live your life. That's the absolute best thing you can do right now. If he sees that you're not as crazy as you came across to be during this, then maybe you'll get another shot with him (don't blow it if it comes), but you need to show that to him.

[pisces44]

blackmagik- I am 24, I will be 25 next month. He's 23 turning 24 in May. Dunno if that helps at all. It's not that I'm immature, quite the contrary, it's my nature and inner makeup that causes me to cave in moments of upset/anger/weakness. He did seem and was acting like he was really into me. His words and actions all said so until his out of nowhere withdrawl, which was probably no reason for me to react how I did, but there's nothing I can do to change that now.

 

Lilmisus- That in itself is exactly why I am so displeased with my behavior and actions. I am going to try my very hardest to put all of your suggestions into action. I comprehend them very easily, it's the doing that's the hardest part.

 

I am... a true pisces through and through, in every essence of the emotional sensitive fish. I'm also an only child. And half of my family's nationality is of a middle eastern descent. Which is why I am how I am and act the way that I do. It's really difficult. idk...

[blackmagik]

Oh its nothing to do with being immature. I was just saying that I have experienced more dating and probably had more chances for this to come up. I once dated a girl who showed her crazy after like a month and a half. I ran like there was no tomorrow, definitely one of my better decisions in my life. I was also pretty emotional attached before, almost to a clingy nature. I was hurt by a few girls, did that ******* stage, but now I went full circle and am back to my normal caring and passionate self.

 

So back to help you, experiences like this can not be a bad thing. I have had terrible experiences like yours and all it did was make me stronger. I know that learning from what I did so I don't make future mistakes. One of the things I had a problem with is speaking before I spoke. So I trained myself to sometimes just stop talking think for a sec then say what I want. Definitely takes being self-aware but in the long run its great and you'll let your true self out without being overambitious.

[pisces44]

Oh I know. I was just analyzing myself as I was typing, and it came to mind so I added the maturity note in as well. I had a short time I was talking to a guy who was clingy beyond all belief, he never even made it to a first date with me, I ended it before it even started. But that didn't prevent me from going overboard. I'm not, and I wasn't acting clingy, until I "blew up," but I should have taken the back seat and let him do all the driving rather than share the driving.

 

Granted it's terrible to be in and live through, but I have experienced other really bad times that I've lived through, and most definitely learned from. I just don't want to be a repeat offender. Especially if, and hopefully when he realizes that maybe he misses my dorky self, since he loved calling me a dork all the time in good fun.

 

I have that same problem too. I need to slow down and think before talking. My mind is constantly analyzing every single minute detail, going so fast - it's like my thoughts are always racing and before I know it I've spoken or acted on impulse.

[blackmagik]

Well lets hope this guy gets back to you! If not you are definitely taking the right steps to improve for the next time.

[pisces44]

*sings* Wishin' & hopin' & thinkin' & prayin'

 

Yeah... no kidding.

Sooner rather than later would be ideal, but beggars can't be choosy. Besides, perfection isn't perfect.

Thanks for all your advice, suggestions, and wisdom.

I really appreciate it.

[pisces44]

I have an update and I'm freaking out because I don't enjoy being purposefully messed with.

 

We'll call the first guy who screwed me over K, and the amazing best friend that I really like a lot P.

 

K unfriended me sometime this morning… I messaged him saying "You deleted me??" And he goes "Opps." That doesn't just happen on accident, you have to purposefully scroll to the bottom of someone's page and click unfriend, and I believe you have to confirm it too.

 

Instinct tells me he did it to make me appear even crazier to P. I’m not going to bother re-requesting him back even though we are civil and friends nor accepting if he requests me. I’m assuming it was so that if we suddenly become facebook friends again and it shows up on our pages and in the news feed for P to see and also be like omg wtf. Not happening. Granted, I hope P doesn’t get all like that if he notices K and I are no longer fb friends.

 

Maybe P was showing signs of liking and missing me to K. Maybe not. Maybe K was just being pissy. He’s probably just jealous I didn’t pine over him for longer, that I wasn’t upset about him long enough for his liking, and is definitely jealous I like his best friend better than him. I mean he made dumb jokes about it to me, and he doesn't even give a damn about me, so idk what he has said to P about me.

 

I don’t think K’s “female friend” is his girlfriend yet, and knowing how messed up he is mentally/emotionally she most likely won’t be anytime soon, nor will anyone else. He’s just a sad story. But wow how childish!!!! He’s probably just jealous I didn’t pine over him for longer, that I wasn’t upset about him long enough for his liking, and is definitely jealous I like his best friend better than him.

 

Do you think that K is the reason P initially began to pull away and began to be so quiet? With K’s newest stunt… Like, even though we both hit it off and had insane chemistry enjoying every moment together, P allowing K to influence him.

 

K is such a cold-hearted, withdrawn, emotionless person.

 

In the case of leaning back, I would like to know what you think about facebook and how to act. Do I allow him to see all of my posts, do I only let him see pleasant/positive posts, do I not let P see any of my posts? I’m torn on this because of having heard “if you want to be missed be missing,” and also hearing things like showing your confidence and other good vibes like that. And the same for chat. Let him see me whenever I’m on, turn it off once in a while, or hide?

[pisces44]

Blackmagik, Lilmisus: what do you think?