kissforbrenda Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 This has been my life, As soon as I show emotion I get dumped and rejected, I am 43 years old - I'm thinking of trying to be a mystery woman and just have casual sex only to avoid this now. I was celibate for over 4 years now, I feel in love with a friend online I knew for 3 years maybe? He seemed so perfect a best friend, But as soon as I reveal "feelings" I can only be fantasizing to him - well to people in person I could never be enough or real no matter what I did then either. If I'm not even worthy after 3 years and can't say it was for sex or looks how can I ever try again now? It took me years just to open up to him after such bad experiences as being abandoned when I was pregnant. But with him I loved HIM more than any man so I thought - But he could not feel that way for me at all I guess. ( Never even cared by the looks of it now.) If he writes me again I have a folder called "DANGER" it will automatically go into, I don't know if I should ever talk to him again and just set myself up more for unreturned feelings, And why in the hell was he a friend for so long knowing damn well I had feelings for so long anyhow? To get a kick out of abandoning me one day? It just seems I am nothing but a joke to men - And I am only wanted when all trust is gone, or I'm unavailable. I will never be able to get kissed or have sex again like this, "It just seems the only way is to not get personal and NEVER reveal any feelings at all, I think I have some weird curse on my life that will force me into the no strings attached deal." The only option that is being left for me to consider. People say that is wrong you will be a slut, But what if it's really the only way I can have human contact anymore? What if I have been too hurt to try or trust things in my life anymore? I almost want to commit suicide but have a son to think about.
glimmer Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Is there any chance you're going after the wrong type of man? Maybe there's a pattern in the way you frame who you are to men that reels in certain kinds of men who can't see themselves truly with you? You should think so highly of yourself that you do not even think to emotionally invest in a certain way that would leave you left like this. But that does not equate to letting men use you. I'm speaking of a whole different way of thinking about yourself that bears a different kind of fruit. Perhaps the problem is more with your sense of discretion and discernment?
Author kissforbrenda Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I don't think that would have been the case this time, The other times I think I had settled for less than I should have and let them move me too fast. I would think a long time getting to know each other was not fast and a lot of communication before this, And plus it could not have been a confusion with sexual attraction if we never even met in person. So I don't know, Just seems no matter how careful I have been for things to be right this time and for the right reasons - the rejection came as soon as I felt something so I can't help but blame my feelings for doing it this time, or my inability to hide things like that so easy. And he could write again, He always is so nice and seems to care, but NOW he says everyone has a bad side as he thinks I was dreaming of him in some perfection just becasue I expressed a good feeling. I am not so stupid to imagine anyone as being perfect, I do not even in my fantasies imagine perfect men, That would not turn me on, But he would not tell me the bad side when I asked. It seemed like an oh well goodbye.
glimmer Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 How did you act differently when you expressed the good feelings? In his perception you must have changed how you were acting and what you were expecting from him. Perhaps he felt sudden pressure from you? How did he bring up that everyone has a bad side? It seems like there's something missing in the story here. I'm just trying to figure out what happened.
Author kissforbrenda Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) Wish I would have saved the emails, Well trying to recall he thanked me said it was nice of me good ect but he has a bad side like everyone. Then I must have pressured him for answers on what the bad side was - Then I was getting mad that he thought he could read my mind from his letters to me on what I would be "imagining" - So i told him it would be nice to meet someone that could read my mind and told him when he is ready to let me know what he is beating around the bush about (wondering if he has something to hide or maybe something he is just afraid I wont accept if I met him.) As he said once for all we know we might not like each others "Style" or behaviors. That could be true I dont know but I liked him enough as a friend to not care about that anyhow.. So yeah I was getting kinda frustrated by the whole doubting me thing when I know I liked him enough to not even care if he was in a wheelchair to be honest. I guess I will just have to get over this like everything else I had to get over, Right now I can't see trying again for any love thing with any man, I can't help it now, I have tried for over 20 years to get it and I just cannot do this anymore I would rather die, I have prayed to die when I had surgery before I just dont belong here. Edited February 25, 2011 by kissforbrenda
depplover_1980 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Brenda, there is nothing wrong with being a slut at all if you can handle the emotional implications of it, which you clearly won't be able to do. I strongly advise you to seek therapy and possibly antidepressants ASAP as you sound ill of the mind. Firstly it is not healthy for your happiness to depend on a man - chances are if you were focused on yourself you'd meet men attracted to you for the vibrant, interesting woman you would be. Secondly even if unhappy, a balanced person does not get suicidal thoughts - being unhappy and suicide do not go hand in hand. You need therapy to get a structure to your life that leaves you fulfilled and you need to discuss coping techniques for when you're unhappy, finding healthy solutions. You get ONE chance at this life Brenda, with a child that depends on you. Don't blow it. No man is worth eternal blackness.
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