RomoGuy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Ok, I was in what I thought a "perfect" relationship with my ex as thats what she had told me until the day she dumped me out of no where. Im assuming GIGS... well she all of a sudden brought out all these issues (characteristics about me, disagreements, problems, misunderstandings etc...) and didn't give me the opportunity to even make it right, after only bringing them up during the breakup. Yes, I begged her to reconsider and let me make it right, but only during the breakup. Now we have been NC since the breakup, which was her decision that I said I would respect. Its been been almost 2 months and now I am starting to notice "issues" and "flaws" with her, that I didn't really bother me during the relationship, but now I am starting to understand how it got to this. Now this is the first time I've ever been dumped, Ive always been the dumper in previous relationships. The 2nd to last relationship I was in was great, but in the end she got too clingy and wasn't herself and so on, so I dumped her. She Instantly went to NC. Almost a year later she unblocked me and reached out and we hungout as friends. It was very attractive to see her so Independent and doing well. Its like I had forgotten why we broke up in the first place and all I remembered was the good times. I was even considering dating her again. But her on the other hand, Thanked me for breaking up with her and said she wouldn't have gotten to where she is today if we were together and said we were too different and would have never worked out. I thinking, WHAT? almost like I was being dumped later.. even though I didn't ask her out. She is still a friend to me to this day but we dont keep in touch much. 4 years since breakup. My question is, ive heard on the forums alot about how "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and Gator12's quote “Absence does to love what wind does to fire, it extinguishes the small, and enflames the great.” now this applies the the dumper, but is it opposite with the dumpee? Because I feel like as time passes by I find myself thinking, forget it, she had her issues too. Is this what happens? Dumper - Sees only the bad, breaks up, time passes by, realizes It wasn't as bad as they made it out to be, Sees only the good Dumpee - Sees only the good, broken up with, Heartbroken, time passes by, realizes there were Issues and it wasn't that good, sees only the bad Im sure ive missed some steps in there, but you guys have any thoughts on this? assuming It was a great relationship for the most part, I feel like this is what happens.
GreenPolicy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 well she all of a sudden brought out all these issues (characteristics about me, disagreements, problems, misunderstandings etc...) and didn't give me the opportunity to even make it right, after only bringing them up during the breakup. This is called "painting you black." She needs to be able to justify her decision, so she will throw everything and the kitchen sink at you and compile a dossier to convince herself she did the right thing. Dumper - Sees only the bad, breaks up, time passes by, realizes It wasn't as bad as they made it out to be, Sees only the good Dumpee - Sees only the good, broken up with, Heartbroken, time passes by, realizes there were Issues and it wasn't that good, sees only the bad Not always. Some dumpers never regret their decision. Some dumpees never understand the need to break up. You just need to focus on moving forward and getting to a point of indifference regarding your ex. 1
carhill Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Can't speak for the ladies but my personal path is to accept the positive parts of my past marriage while equally acknowledging the irreconcilable incompatibilities. IMO, no relationship is all good or all pain. Even in the most painful relationships, there is some good. Acceptance is key In our case, I would say we pretty much dumped each other. I can say the divorce was mutual, amicable and relatively pain-free. Your most recent experience was a classic re-write. This type of psychology assists the person in moving on emotionally, at least at the superficial levels. Sometimes the deeper conflicts go unresolved for many years, hence why I've so often heard the bitter complaints about ex'es from the women I've dated. Some have bordered on psychotic. It's all real good information Have you been married? IME, that's like a quantum leap from typical relationship dumper/dumpee stuff. None of my past LTR's even came close to comparing. As an example, I was the dumper in most of those and never gave the ladies a second thought. Only one occured, due to distance, where I had significant 'regret' (for lack of a better word) about the decision. Anyway, hope it gets better for you. IMO, I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. When you've seen one breakup/divorce, you've seen *one*.
GreenPolicy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Romo Guy, Another thing you have to understand is that even if your ex regrets her decision a year or two from now, that doesn't mean she will reach out to you and want to get back together. For you to even be concerned about what she thinks down the road means you either harbor a hope of getting back together, or you want the ego boost and validation that comes with her wanting to do so. She might regret her decision but not act on it, due to pride, guilt, shame, ego, fear of being rejected, a belief that you've moved on and the train has left the station so to speak...
Author RomoGuy Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 This is called "painting you black." She needs to be able to justify her decision, so she will throw everything and the kitchen sink at you and compile a dossier to convince herself she did the right thing Wow, so she has to convince herself she made the right decision by making me look as bad as possible in her own mind? 1
Author RomoGuy Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Romo Guy, Another thing you have to understand is that even if your ex regrets her decision a year or two from now, that doesn't mean she will reach out to you and want to get back together. For you to even be concerned about what she thinks down the road means you either harbor a hope of getting back together, or you want the ego boost and validation that comes with her wanting to do so. She might regret her decision but not act on it, due to pride, guilt, shame, ego, fear of being rejected, a belief that you've moved on and the train has left the station so to speak... I'm moving on now, even may be dating this girl soon.. Ive accepted the breakup, although I don't completely 100% understand it, I accept it. So I have no choice but to move on, since she isn't event talking to me. But If she ever does regret what she did or starts talking to me, depending on where I am by that point in time, if it ever does come. I won't let pride get in the way of me being with her again, if thats what we both want then.
GreenPolicy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Wow, so she has to convince herself she made the right decision by making me look as bad as possible in her own mind? Yes, it's a coping mechanism. Dumpers experience pain too, but it's a different kind of pain. One way to get rid of it as quickly as possible is to paint you black. 1
Author RomoGuy Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Have you been married? IME, that's like a quantum leap from typical relationship dumper/dumpee stuff. None of my past LTR's even came close to comparing. As an example, I was the dumper in most of those and never gave the ladies a second thought. Only one occured, due to distance, where I had significant 'regret' (for lack of a better word) about the decision. Anyway, hope it gets better for you. IMO, I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. When you've seen one breakup/divorce, you've seen *one*. I have never been married, my last ex was talking "marriage" with my sisters before the breakup, it was a very serious relationship that for sure. I guess what what im referring the most to in the post is more of GIGS kind of situations. She just made me feel like a giant mistake in her life and I know thats not the case and im curious what happens and how long that act of dumpers putting blaming it all on the dumpee holds up before they realize that is not the case and they know it. 1
GreenPolicy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 She just made me feel like a giant mistake in her life and I know thats not the case and im curious what happens and how long that act of dumpers putting blaming it all on the dumpee holds up before they realize that is not the case and they know it. A better thing to wonder is how long until you feel indifferent towards your ex.
Author RomoGuy Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 A better thing to wonder is how long until you feel indifferent towards your ex. I agree with you totally and that is my goal, I'm am truly surprised how far Ive come in not even 2 months from losing such a serious relationship. I know I still have alot of work to do, better understanding my situation is helping me get there, I know I will get there sooner than later. Thank you for your advice
Country_Girl Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 That's an interesting perspective RomoGuy, I never thought of it that way but it kind of makes sense. My first LTR, I was the dumpee, I pined and wanted him back at first. As more time went on, I decided I really didn't like him that much, let alone love him anymore. Maybe 9-10 months later he calls me, fishing to see if I'm dating anyone (I was) and it felt so good to tell him that I moved on. Second LTR, I was the dumper. I felt the relationship was in limbo for a long time, we were growing apart, so I ended it. As more time passed I realized that things weren't so bad, but I started dating someone else and decided to give this new person a chance. Third LTR, I'm the dumpee- wanted him back for the first 1.5 months, but as time passes I can feel myself detaching. Not so sure I would want him back, parts of me does, parts of me doesn't. But this breakup is still fresh, so I know I will move on to indifference. But it's interesting what you mention, because when I talked to the ex a week or so ago, he said he was starting to forget the bad and all he could remember was the good. I didn't even ask him that, he came out of left field with that. I'd be willing to bet your theory is pretty accurate, depending on circumstances.
Sugarkane Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Ok, I was in what I thought a "perfect" relationship with my ex as thats what she had told me until the day she dumped me out of no where. Im assuming GIGS... well she all of a sudden brought out all these issues (characteristics about me, disagreements, problems, misunderstandings etc...) and didn't give me the opportunity to even make it right, after only bringing them up during the breakup. Yes, I begged her to reconsider and let me make it right, but only during the breakup. Now we have been NC since the breakup, which was her decision that I said I would respect. Its been been almost 2 months and now I am starting to notice "issues" and "flaws" with her, that I didn't really bother me during the relationship, but now I am starting to understand how it got to this. My question is, ive heard on the forums alot about how "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and Gator12's quote “Absence does to love what wind does to fire, it extinguishes the small, and enflames the great.” now this applies the the dumper, but is it opposite with the dumpee? Because I feel like as time passes by I find myself thinking, forget it, she had her issues too. . My ex did basically the same thing to me aswell. He refused to even talk to me and I never even got a conversation from him. Then he completely cut me off. So he left everything unresolved between us. I hope he regrets dumping me, coz he really messed up. I never want to take him back. I completely agree with what you say about dumpers and dumpees.
Whatshername Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 It really does suck when you are dumped, without warning. Fact is, they have slowly been detaching themselves for awhile, and that is why it seems much easier for them, and they slide that rug out from under you and actually feel no pain seeing you smack your head on the ground. Well, this was my experience. All I got was a sandwich of my personal flaws, mixed up with a half assed apology for his emotional affair, and his admission that basically he didn't respect me. WOW. It woke me up, I will say that. I was like.......do I really want to spend my life with a man who has to put me down in order to feel right, or never admit his wrongs or apologize? I do not. It sucks, I hurt and I still pine for the man that I THOUGHT he was as well as the hopes and dreams of what our life would be like together. He is not that man, and I have been spared years of being miserable. Thank you Lord! 1
Movingthrough Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Very good theroy romo, i think its very accurate. I was the dumpee and i can say i think of her all the time, sometimes i wonder if its too much and i almost get mad at myself. But i dont look at her like i did, and like the above poster said, i find myself looking at it and saying wow that would have been a nightmare. Problem is, i think most dumpers at one point regret what they did, but when they have a new focus in thier life (new guy or girl) it kind of kills it. Me and my ex didnt talk for months, talked one night and she basically told me straight out she was getting the feelings again BUT she had a new guy, right in front of her face in honeymood mode, so there was no way she was turning that down. Overall i think your theroy is very correct, but there are so many outside issues like new guys or girls. Its funny because my ex threw everything at me too, it was so obvious she was trying to justify it. Everything she told me she didnt like, at one point she said she did.
Sugarkane Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 It really does suck when you are dumped, without warning. Fact is, they have slowly been detaching themselves for awhile, and that is why it seems much easier for them, and they slide that rug out from under you and actually feel no pain seeing you smack your head on the ground. Well, this was my experience. All I got was a sandwich of my personal flaws, mixed up with a half assed apology for his emotional affair, and his admission that basically he didn't respect me. WOW. It woke me up, I will say that. I was like.......do I really want to spend my life with a man who has to put me down in order to feel right, or never admit his wrongs or apologize? I envy you, I never even got a half assed apology. Just a list of all my flaws!
Whatshername Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 W, I stretched that a bit. He only apologized for the texting, and that was before admitting it was sexting. As for the lies, deceptions, 2 dinner dates, kissing and making out, as well as days and weeks of texting, sexting, and phone calls......he acted as if he did nothing wrong, because as he said it was not like he had sex or a blow job, gee whiz. Plus, he said that had no bad intentions and yes he should have figured she'd be all over him and been smart enough to see that. (did he really think I am that S T U P I D to believe this crap?) SO, he basically would have made up with me, with NO admission of any of this, no apology, nor would he tell me he would end contact with her. So, my flaws were served up as a cover for his unwillingness to admit anything. He could hardly face me, let alone apologize. He deserves the skank. She KNEW we were together and went right after him, then when she realized he was gonna DO her, she backed out, as I am certain she felt like the ho she is. So, he made a fool of himself, plus hurt both of us, and then he was too far gone to save face. LOSER!
Author RomoGuy Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I envy you, I never even got a half assed apology. Just a list of all my flaws! Haha no apology for me either. There were issues that bothered her before that she brought to the table and we would resolve them and vise versa. But then she basically brought a whole new bag of issues and also pointed out my flaws during the breakup. When I asked her why she told me everything was "perfect".. her best answer was. "Well these were issues that have been bothering me for a while, they were red flags"... I honestly think they were all BS excuses to justify what she had done. Not truly reasons that you break up with someone you say you love very very much (even during the breakup) without telling them or giving them a chance to make things right (especially when I begged her to)... After about a month and a half I found out she has a new BF, which explains her selfish way of getting rid of me. Don't try to make me feel like crap because you gave up on me before even giving me a chance to fix issues that you never brought up, after being your... and I qoute (Superman, God's gift to me, The man of my dreams, "perfect", "amazing", etc....) 1
Sugarkane Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Not truly reasons that you break up with someone you say you love very very much (even during the breakup) without telling them or giving them a chance to make things right (especially when I begged her to)... After about a month and a half I found out she has a new BF, which explains her selfish way of getting rid of me. Don't try to make me feel like crap because you gave up on me before even giving me a chance to fix issues that you never brought up, after being your... and I qoute (Superman, God's gift to me, The man of my dreams, "perfect", "amazing", etc....) Yeah my ex didn't even give me a chance to work on what was wrong with us either. Instead they just don't say anything until its too late. Why do people do this? Then ironically tells me that I can't communicate! I can never understand it! And they usually have a replaced very soon after. But they try and pretend it was a slow transition. When it rarely is! Completely cold. I hope to god that my ex finds someone like your ex. They are one of the same
Author RomoGuy Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Yeah my ex didn't even give me a chance to work on what was wrong with us either. Instead they just don't say anything until its too late. Why do people do this? Then ironically tells me that I can't communicate! I can never understand it! And they usually have a replaced very soon after. But they try and pretend it was a slow transition. When it rarely is! Completely cold. I hope to god that my ex finds someone like your ex. They are one of the same Its not that its too late to fix the issues they bring up during the breakup, in my opinion, I think that they were never a big enough issue to bring up, until they found someone that they think is better... then at that point in order to get out of the current relationship they all of a sudden bring up the small issues that didn't bother them enough until they thought they could find or have found someone better, and blew them out of proportion to make it sound like it actually has been bugging them a lot. I think its an easy way out for them... Thinking about it now, I could have done the EXACT same thing with her if I had wanted. If i was a douche bag enough to take this route, there are plenty of issues I could have made her feel like crap about that bothered me a very tiny bit, but never enough for me to break up with her over. I would never put someone down because I need a way out.... Ide tell her "It's me, It's not you" and I know thats a cliche.. but atleast its the truth, If I thought or knew there was someone better out there for me, I would not point out issues that never bothered me, I would not lead them on into thinking everything was perfect... but I would tell them that it is Me, my fault, its not working for me and tell them why, but never put down that person, or do what happened to me because I feel I need a way "out". With the Ex I mention in the original post in which I was the dumper, I had a real issue with her. I told her many times about the issue. And she continued to do the same thing over and over (ignoring me or running away during an argument, instead of resolving it)... there were other issues that bothered me too, but never enough to break up with her over. But one day she got mad at me for the stupidest thing ever, we argued outside her car. She got frustrated and drove off. And that was the last straw. I told her don't bother coming back. That was an issue that bothered me alot and she knew it, but did not fix it. That is the only Issue I brought up and told her we just aren't right for eachother. I did not put her down during the breakup though or make her think everything was perfect during the relationship. I did not have another girl in mind or lined up. 1
paiger Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Wow I never thought of it that way... Insightful But like everyone had already mentioned, there are some other factors which could limit the outcome of how people feel about the past relationship... But yeah, generally speaking you pretty much got it dead on. And I was reading a couple posts above me about why people wait till the very end to tell you the flaws in the relationship when it's too late. I agree, thats probably the stupidest thing ever haha I hate that. Like, why didn't you say this earlier?! But whoever the "dumper" is, they usually get a head start on the breakup.. For they've evaluated it, looked real hard at your relationship, and said "hey, this isn't worth it anymore. I'll try my luck elsewhere." Then when they're probably already halfway moved on and over you, it's usually by then, when they tell you.. Pretty lame
turokturok5 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 i can sort of relate. I was dumped for being too clingy, problem is i realised this a few days before and was going to talk to her about it, ask her if it was a problem and such, of course she dumped me before i could (told her after, didnt have much affect) i offered her space, she said no. Thing is she never gave me a chance to prove myself, if she would've just told me, things would be different. I thought back to my previous ex who i broke up with a year ago, we were both in love, i think with my recent girlfriend i was in love with her, she wasnt in love with me. But i reached out to the first girlfriend, just asked how she was and such (she had been NC with me for like a year) but that was it...no intentions of getting back together, none at all, so it kind of helped me to give up hope of reconciliation with my latest ex.
Rose T Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Its not that its too late to fix the issues they bring up during the breakup, in my opinion, I think that they were never a big enough issue to bring up, until they found someone that they think is better... then at that point in order to get out of the current relationship they all of a sudden bring up the small issues that didn't bother them enough until they thought they could find or have found someone better, and blew them out of proportion to make it sound like it actually has been bugging them a lot. I think its an easy way out for them... This. My ex also did that thing of suddenly telling me that there had been moments over the years when he was about to break-up with me... there were bad patches and problems when it seemed like we were coming to an end... I was, like, WTF? Selective rewriting much?? As far as the whole dumpee / dumper's remorse thing goes, I think there are two additional factors which affect the dynamic: the egos of the two people involved, and the bottom-line sense of "right" or "wrong", no matter how much they're painting you black. A dumper who leaves to rediscover his / her freedom may find the dumpee attractive again when the dumpee rediscovers their independence; if you add a new partner with the dumpee into the mix, I think there's a powerful ego play involved which can confuse the dumper that remembered their partner as being clingy or unattractive for being so attached. Equally, as time passes, the dumpee's ego mends and I think they get to a point where they say, really in one's own interest - "I love myself too much to look back and reconsider this person that left me; they can't have been perfect for me if they did that, and in fact, if I examine the relationship, they weren't". The dumper has not had a deeply unhappy experience like being dumped, so their feelings about the other person aren't scarred in that way, so if the attraction returns, they might emotionally be more prepared to pick up where they left off. Also, at the end of the day, if you were dumped for a crappy reason, if you were fundementally a good boyfriend / girlfriend, I think the sense of your worth pervades and gives the dumper something to chew over (especially when new relationships go wrong or they're single). It doesn't mean they'll ever let you know - they may also be aware that by dumping you, they broke something that can't be fixed - but I think a lot of remembering and missing goes on, for what it's worth.
depplover_1980 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Romo, I think you are simply suffering a major ego bash as you are used to being the dumper. You sound level headed and you will move on just fine. I liked your theory and it expressed natural coping mechanisms on each the dumper/dumpees side; a train of emotions and actions to survive and believe you've 'done the right thing'.
Author RomoGuy Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Romo, I think you are simply suffering a major ego bash as you are used to being the dumper. You sound level headed and you will move on just fine. I liked your theory and it expressed natural coping mechanisms on each the dumper/dumpees side; a train of emotions and actions to survive and believe you've 'done the right thing'. Haha, your right, it was a huge ego bash at first but then I realized it wasn't something I "did" or "caused"... I realized she gave up on me basically, for this new guy. She basically convinced herself he is better than me (with help from her father, Im sure) and that I'm just a barrier in her way of being with him and needed a way to get to him, so she had to tackle me as quickly as possible when I was not looking and has not looked back, so she does not have to see the hurt she caused and to move on. I'm just curious if I was "perfect" in her eyes. When problems do arise in her relationship with him, because there are in every relationship. I think thats when she will see that I wasn't quite the monster she portrayed me to be for no reason, but to make her self feel better about her decision.
depplover_1980 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Yeah but I wonder how much of that is to do with the ego thing or male competitiveness? Just observing from a primal level. I'd get yourself under or over (depending on your preference ) a better female version. Let her look at your new girl and think 'do I compare!
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