believed Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) To get me post you should probably read my thread about my story: (see my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255034/ ) How could I be so stupid and trusting? After giving my affair a whole lot of thought, after the last period of silence from him , I escaped to my family, several countries away, for the whole fall. I spend 3 months thinking, talking, getting stronger and making distance to my story and my MM. I even spent days formulating a breakup which I sent by mail, and explaining all my conditions for a possible reuniting. I even believed them myself. I broke contact during weeks, asking him not to contact me, it made me much stronger. I came back to my home after Christmas, allowing him to see me. He was even more filled with emotions than before. I was defensive, letting him know my criterias. Did I stay firm? No. I allowed him to see me. I assumed he had digested my criterias, kisses were my physical limit, but he came closer and closer. I noticed big changes and gained hope. He gave me more illusions than ever, and I got to know he actually moved out one week and found some peace two weeks ago. (A step in the right direction). Then, suddenly one week ago, silence.... I commented on it, didn´t like the way we (didn´t) communicated. More silence, and today I get an email. He had to go back home, his wife was breaking down (same reaction pattern as the whole last year. She denies to accept the reality and to seek canceling), his kids worried, and he can´t choose his own happiness watching the wife being destroyed. He says he needs to do what is expected of him, but he´s being torn between two important things in his life, his family and me. Yeah......... I´m half way down the bottle of wine. How could I be so stupid? I didn´t know he moved out, and of course I didn´t know he moved back home. During these days I thought we were going somewhere. The only credit I give myself is the ability to trust in people. That will get a solid hit from now on... He finishes it all off in an email, apologizing for the pain it creates for me, and saying that "for the moment" it is what he needs to do. So, from here, there´s only one way, and that´s up, right? Can I get lower than this? I´ve given my life not only to him, but to his whole family, who of course are devastated to loose him, but how on earth are they going to live happily ever after? Advice for all of you out there: don´t get into this mess! Stay firm and ask to see divorce papers before you act. (If you are not made out of stone, and what you are looking for is pure sex). I have put my life on hold for something I thought would be a life together. I can honestly say I have not taken advantage of him or explored the relation for sex. I have basically been waiting. Sad too say..... Wake up people!! If the MM can not handle demands (something I think we postpone and postpone), sooner or later he will leave. Better sooner than later! (I didn´t answer his last email, I find that silence says it all. But as educated as I am, I feel this small pressure of having to respond. But I can just not give a ****, right???!!!) Edited February 24, 2011 by believed
Confused4Now Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Advice for all of you out there: don´t get into this mess! Stay firm and ask to see divorce papers before you act. (If you are not made out of stone, and what you are looking for is pure sex). I have put my life on hold for something I thought would be a life together. I can honestly say I have not taken advantage of him or explored the relation for sex. I have basically been waiting. Sad too say..... Wake up people!! If the MM can not handle demands (something I think we postpone and postpone), sooner or later he will leave. Better sooner than later! (I didn´t answer his last email, I find that silence says it all. But as educated as I am, I feel this small pressure of having to respond. But I can just not give a ****, right???!!!)Yeah its funny reading that in bold...I had the same responses when I was in the center of my drama...and did I listen? HELL NO...Since my situation was mostly EA the sex part didn't even matter....it wasn't even important. Even asking for papers are not a guarantee ...Final divorce papers only baby!!!
Author believed Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 My last sentence is supposed to be: But I can just give a ****, right???!!!
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 (I didn´t answer his last email, I find that silence says it all. But as educated as I am, I feel this small pressure of having to respond. But I can just not give a ****, right???!!!) Silence is golden! Such power you've taken back, so you stay strong! Anytime you feel like caving, post here. Write him letters but don't send them, they are for you to vent and get stuff out of your head.
Author believed Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Silence is golden! Such power you've taken back, so you stay strong! You think silence signalizes power? Does it have an effect? I´m not really into these "games", but I simply have no more to say. I have written to him earlier as the responsible and reflective person I considered him to be, so now I´m empty. He´s where he is today because I protected him and waited. Stupid!
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 You think silence signalizes power? Does it have an effect? I´m not really into these "games", but I simply have no more to say. I have written to him earlier as the responsible and reflective person I considered him to be, so now I´m empty. He´s where he is today because I protected him and waited. Stupid! By being silent, you don't have to deal with him anymore. Plus for you. You won't have to listen and possibly get sucked back in. I'm not talking about mind games, this is all for you. Whatever affect it has on him, that's not your concern. He's a big boy and can handle it, he won't die of pain or anything.. Just means too, that you are taking control of your own life again, without him in it. It's your beginning to heal, finally can grieve so you can move through this. It's final. Hope that makes sense.
Author believed Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 By being silent, you don't have to deal with him anymore. Just means too, that you are taking control of your own life again, without him in it. It Yes, thank´s, it makes sense looking at it like this! I´m not actually stupid , so I know when it´s a waist of time to discuss and prolong the pain. (That´s why it hurts to have spent such a long time believing) This is his loss, I have seen him in his situation, and everyboy has a choice in this world.
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Yes, thank´s, it makes sense looking at it like this! I´m not actually stupid , so I know when it´s a waist of time to discuss and prolong the pain. (That´s why it hurts to have spent such a long time believing) This is his loss, I have seen him in his situation, and everyboy has a choice in this world. Noooooo..You took that 'make sense' out of context..Sorry, it's an expression I use in a good way, not a make sense you don't get what I was trying to say.. I meant it in a positive way. Ofcourse you're not stupid, far from it! You are right, it's his loss. And yes it hurts you and will for a while. Keep posting.
Author believed Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Noooooo..You took that 'make sense' out of context.. No no, don´t worry, I understood you I just hadn´t seen the full aspect of the silence, therefor it made sense what you said . And for me not being stupid, I´m mostly talking "loud" to myself Where I´m at the time tells me to go to sleep, so I´ll try to get some. Thanks!!!
bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 To get me post you should probably read my thread about my story: (see my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255034/ ) How could I be so stupid and trusting? After giving my affair a whole lot of thought, after the last period of silence from him , I escaped to my family, several countries away, for the whole fall. I spend 3 months thinking, talking, getting stronger and making distance to my story and my MM. I even spent days formulating a breakup which I sent by mail, and explaining all my conditions for a possible reuniting. I even believed them myself. I broke contact during weeks, asking him not to contact me, it made me much stronger. I came back to my home after Christmas, allowing him to see me. He was even more filled with emotions than before. I was defensive, letting him know my criterias. Did I stay firm? No. I allowed him to see me. I assumed he had digested my criterias, kisses were my physical limit, but he came closer and closer. I noticed big changes and gained hope. He gave me more illusions than ever, and I got to know he actually moved out one week and found some peace two weeks ago. (A step in the right direction). Then, suddenly one week ago, silence.... I commented on it, didn´t like the way we (didn´t) communicated. More silence, and today I get an email. He had to go back home, his wife was breaking down (same reaction pattern as the whole last year. She denies to accept the reality and to seek canceling), his kids worried, and he can´t choose his own happiness watching the wife being destroyed. He says he needs to do what is expected of him, but he´s being torn between two important things in his life, his family and me. Yeah......... I´m half way down the bottle of wine. How could I be so stupid? I didn´t know he moved out, and of course I didn´t know he moved back home. During these days I thought we were going somewhere. The only credit I give myself is the ability to trust in people. That will get a solid hit from now on... He finishes it all off in an email, apologizing for the pain it creates for me, and saying that "for the moment" it is what he needs to do. So, from here, there´s only one way, and that´s up, right? Can I get lower than this? I´ve given my life not only to him, but to his whole family, who of course are devastated to loose him, but how on earth are they going to live happily ever after? Advice for all of you out there: don´t get into this mess! Stay firm and ask to see divorce papers before you act. (If you are not made out of stone, and what you are looking for is pure sex). I have put my life on hold for something I thought would be a life together. I can honestly say I have not taken advantage of him or explored the relation for sex. I have basically been waiting. Sad too say..... Wake up people!! If the MM can not handle demands (something I think we postpone and postpone), sooner or later he will leave. Better sooner than later! (I didn´t answer his last email, I find that silence says it all. But as educated as I am, I feel this small pressure of having to respond. But I can just not give a ****, right???!!!) Seems she isn't the only one who denies counseling and can't accept reality. Sounds like you and she wear the same size shoes.
fooled once Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I'm sorry you are hurting. Just know that as each day goes by, you will begin to heal. Good luck
TurboGirl Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Bentnotbroken, please come down off of the cloud up there by GOD and be kind to others. You are not the Superior Being and in no place to judge. Quite snipey there, aren't we? Believed, stick with it and don't go back, no matter what. You are better, you deserve better. Who cares if they live happily ever after?!! YOU will. YOU will find someone worthy of you and your love. Don't respond to the email. Tempting as it is, let it go... and let go and move on with your life.
SunsetRed Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Believe, I am so sorry for your pain. You are a strong, intelligent woman with a lot of insight and you will get through this. I agree with what you said about asking to see divorce papers, but it's sad that you can't trust that when a man tells you he is separated, that he won't actually get divorced. The divorce rate is over 50% now so it seems safe to assume that a separated person would get divorced. But, for my own sanity, if my xMM ever came back to me, I'd ask for papers. I could not possibly go through this again and I just won't go through this again.
Author believed Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) Believed, stick with it and don't go back, no matter what. You are better, you deserve better. Who cares if they live happily ever after?!! YOU will. YOU will find someone worthy of you and your love. Don't respond to the email. Tempting as it is, let it go... and let go and move on with your life. Yes, I will move on. I know it is possible. As life moves along, I´m in it. Night was horrible, flashbacks, my heart weighs like 500 kilos and the nausea comes and goes. I can´t simply get a grasp on how it is possible to until the last minute go further and further? He must have known his doubts? I feel so dirty having had a person close to me, who made me open (only 87% this time ) and trust, who encouraged me to dream, and while he looks at me, he must have know... Or was it simply true feelings, but he´s not capable of acting... I did ask the right questions this time, and I was defensive and by far much less romantic. Still... His choice is clear, but my mind is wondering where I lost it not being able to separate true feelings from reality. Maybe they were true, but the man has a total lack of consideration, or is having his own life crisis? Well, I´m using up space on xMM, but mostly to be aware of the consequences I might find for myself. Did it worry you guys how to trust again? How to interact with people? Or is it just the situation that is a setup for horrible experiences? Thanks all for your posts!! Edited February 25, 2011 by believed
Author believed Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 But, for my own sanity, if my xMM ever came back to me, I'd ask for papers. I could not possibly go through this again and I just won't go through this again. Thanks SunsetRed! I do hope you will not have to go through this again. I won´t for sure! That´s why I also posted, it might make some girl out there a bit more cautious.
Heather1 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Did it worry you guys how to trust again? How to interact with people? Or is it just the situation that is a setup for horrible experiences? It's the situation. I'm not in the same position because I never asked OM to make a choice, it's still been eggshells & I never know what he's going to say next. I had to prepare myself for things to end on a dime, which it pretty much did. The silence is the best way to gather your thoughts without his input confusing you. Luckily, people really aren't mind readers so you appear strong by the silence too. I know that it's really hard!! The flip flopping, guilt, stress is all part of this dynamic. Make sure you get out & do something to stop your heart pains, it's probably panic attacks. I read something about doing 2 positive things a day that make you totally forget about it (during those times). The other helpful thing is starting something for self improvement. Taking a class, changing your hair color, something fun. Sometimes I take a break from LS too, because I tend to dwell & during this weather I could do chats all day.
Author believed Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 It's the situation. I'm not in the same position because I never asked OM to make a choice The silence is the best way to gather your thoughts without his input confusing you. Make sure you get out & do something to stop your heart pains, it's probably panic attacks. I read something about doing 2 positive things a day that make you totally forget about it (during those times). The other helpful thing is starting something for self improvement. Taking a class, changing your hair color, something fun. Good to know:) Looking around me I have very warm relationships to a lot of different people, so the test will come sometime in the future, I hope I didn´t ask my xMM to make a choice neither, the initiatives always came from him. We shared dreams, lately he more than me because I didn´t trust the situation, but in the end I went back to having hope. That´s when the coin fell.... The silence is making me feel that I don´t need his comments or thoughts to know where I stand now. He made it clear (even though he as always leaves a small door open saying he doesn´t know how this will end...) but this time I hit bottom and will not discuss again. It is also very good not to have the pressure having to communicate, or formulate some wise and strong opinions. For the moment it´s enough to feel and think for myself. I´ll try going for some walks these days, it´s sunny, and I can actually get a tan here already I have a tendency to work, study and stay by myself. My heart pain I think is simply heavy sadness. Thanks!!
Heather1 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 It's going to take time, just make yourself happy!! I can totally relate to the hope & getting dumped. Since Nov we've had a pending ski trip that he talks about & it wasn't like I was planning it, but he ripped that out from under me a few weeks ago too. I haven't spoken to him since...I'm hoping I never will, I can't take the lows anymore.
Author believed Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 It's going to take time, just make yourself happy!! I can totally relate to the hope & getting dumped. Since Nov we've had a pending ski trip that he talks about & it wasn't like I was planning it, but he ripped that out from under me a few weeks ago too. I haven't spoken to him since...I'm hoping I never will, I can't take the lows anymore. I was daily reminded of things we were "going to do" by receiving pictures, words, every evening after a chat he told me not to worry and just dream, just two weeks ago he said "now there´s less time left to wait"... Bull****, but believable. When it hits you on a high, it hits you hard.
Heather1 Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I know:( He gave me the lift tickets already, do you want to go skiing? ha,ha
Author believed Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I know:( He gave me the lift tickets already, do you want to go skiing? ha,ha I hope they were expensive!! Get some tan instead
Emme Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I'm sorry that you are in pain. I know your heart is hurting. I hope you can find some way to ease the pain other than drinking. Cry and let the tears out. At least you've known what love is. Remember the good times and be happy with the great memories, don't focus on the pain.
Author believed Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry that you are in pain. I know your heart is hurting. I hope you can find some way to ease the pain other than drinking. Cry and let the tears out. At least you've known what love is. Remember the good times and be happy with the great memories, don't focus on the pain. Thanks for worrying! It was only the half bottle, but so good to relax and sleep I tend to turn to ice cream... I think I have been on a high wave of defense since he "came back" after New Year, I handled the news so well. I have kept very busy and concentrated. Today I had a 5 hour travel to work by airplane. Nowhere to hide, just thinking, and I went off the plane with nausea, heavy crying attacks and hyperventilation. So much for the controlled reaction. I´m trying to figure out what I react to, I always keep going if I have an organized mind. I´m not scared of the future, it will come, but I´m not sure if it is the way I was told (in an email) without no warning, the fact he´s not there, the letting go of 14 months constant worry, him not being part of my future... I´m taking the day off to let the feelings go, and hopefully be strong again tomorrow. I will with time try to appreciate the relation for what it was. I know the MM is not in a good place in his life, and I feel something in between of pity and sadness for him. He admits he chooses "duty" and not happiness under the pressure of his family. (Maybe theme for a new thread: noble or coward?). What I do know is that I have seen I can love unconditionally. I know what I´m capable of feeling for a person, I have discovered the beauty of wanting to give without expecting anything back in a relation. I know that love can make you feel peace in mind and at heart and make your eyes shine. It´s also all about finding a person with the same values, leaving work or cultural differences apart. I have to keep looking for that feeling. Edited February 28, 2011 by believed
Bluebelle38 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Hi believed Hope you are OK? I read your story and am sorry that you are hurting. But at the same time I really hope you have seen the light. This man has robbed you of years of your life. His false promises actually sicken me. If he was in any way decent he would have cut you off a long time ago and allowed you to meet a man that could commit to you. I have recently split with a man who was a commitment-phobe. We dated on/off for 8 years. I'm disgusted in him for picking me up and then cutting me off when it suited him. But I am more angry that I allowed it to happen. I am also 38. I've never wanted children so am not worried about that side of things. I cant get those years back and am now looking to the real freedom I have to move on with my life without the lying, manipulative and downright cruel person he is. Trust me, he never had any intention of committing to me. He simply wanted his needs met. I really hope that you stay strong. I know how much easier it is to cave and get back on that 'hope' merry-go-round, but you are only doing yourself a total disservice. This man never deserved you and he will continue to feed you false promises for as long as you will believe them. Run for the hills if he contacts you again. Sorry, but these type of men make me feel ill. Selfish to the core. He knew cutting you off would hurt you deeply but did he care? Nope, not a jot. Go out there girl and grab yourself a happier life I plan to
ver13 Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I really don't know what to say to you about all of this I hate to see someone suffer yet at the same time what did you expect. The MM is just that M and he has a family to boot. I'm always surprised at how people get involved with MP and have expectations, how can you. The only thing that you can bank on is the they are currently living a life of deception at home so why wouldn't they be doing it outside. Even if the situation turned out in your favor could you live with someone that is capable of conducting their relationsips like that, I mean what is to keep them from doing it to you in the future. I'm sure that their S thought that they were the only one to and I'm sure that they went out of their way to ensure them of that. If he were seperated that would be one thing but he wasn't and the whole moving in and out and back in was sort of expected. I mean what was he going to tell his kids? " By the way kid's I'm leaving Mommy for another women". MP need to be out of the current relationship formally before you go anywhere near them period. I'm sorry for your lose but look at it this way what if you were of his W wouldn't you fight for what you have. An if not wouldn't him to be gone way before he met someone else.
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