Does anyone ever feel alone while in a relationship?

[That_girl]

I think I'm actually insane whenever I'm in a relationship. I'm jealous, needy, insecure, dependent- all things I hate admitting.

The problem is that although I can acknowledge these qualities in myself as well as the negative or "deal-breaking" qualities of my significant other....I've never been confident enough to end a relationship on my terms. I think I probably have abandonment issues from childhood or something like that.....and of course, like many people- I'm afraid of being alone.

 

I love my current boyfriend. I adore so much about him. But he is also insecure and needy...a bit controlling at times. And he is trying to back off a bit. The problem is that when he does back off and do his own thing I'm constantly worried that I'm going to lose him or that he is going to cheat on me again. He cheated while on vacation once...and it was a one-time deal. But one doesn't get over something like cheating easily....particularly one that was already insecure to begin with.

 

Basically we are probably not the best match for another at this point. We both have issues that we need to work on in order to truly make a relationship work. I feel like there is almost no point in breaking up with him though....because I'd face the same insecurities and craziness within myself with ANY GUY.

I know that my boyfriend cheated and this makes things worse...but I just can't see to make any relationship work. My last boyfriend dumped me because I pushed him away with my insecurities. He never cheated or even looked at another woman...but still, I was terrible.

 

I feel more alone than ever while I'm a relationship rather than when I'm single. This isn't normal. What can I do? Therapy kinda seems like a waste of time...and also I don't really have the time to ditch work for a few hours to even go. : (

[That_girl]

I acan't help but think as I re-read my own post...why am i such a ****-up?!!!!

[Lovelybird]

What are you afraid of when you are alone? Have you ever thought about that?

[That_girl]

I'm afraid that I'll end up like my mother. When my mom left my dad she was miserable, sick, and poor. She had to start from square one and build herself up.

 

She is still alone now...and lives with a few cats. She is an amazing woman, just got taken advantage of a lot.

 

I'm also afraid of being alone because at that point I will have to start thinking about what to do with my life....and actually do something about it without anyone to support/ help me.

[xpaperxcutx]

Okay girl take a deep breath.

 

Your current boyfriend just isn't the one. First of all, he cheated. That raises alot of red flags because anyone capable of cheating is capable of being a repeatoffender, hence your insecurity is warranted.

 

My guess is that you're staying for the status quo. You want the comfort and support of someone who is going to be there, faithful or not.

 

There's nothing wrong with being single, as long as you're aware that it's not the be all and end all of things. Truthfully, if you actually love yourself, you would not put with someone with wandering eyes.

[Lilmisus]

I think I'm actually insane whenever I'm in a relationship. I'm jealous, needy, insecure, dependent- all things I hate admitting.

The problem is that although I can acknowledge these qualities in myself as well as the negative or "deal-breaking" qualities of my significant other....I've never been confident enough to end a relationship on my terms. I think I probably have abandonment issues from childhood or something like that.....and of course, like many people- I'm afraid of being alone.

 

I love my current boyfriend. I adore so much about him. But he is also insecure and needy...a bit controlling at times. And he is trying to back off a bit. The problem is that when he does back off and do his own thing I'm constantly worried that I'm going to lose him or that he is going to cheat on me again. He cheated while on vacation once...and it was a one-time deal. But one doesn't get over something like cheating easily....particularly one that was already insecure to begin with.

 

Basically we are probably not the best match for another at this point. We both have issues that we need to work on in order to truly make a relationship work. I feel like there is almost no point in breaking up with him though....because I'd face the same insecurities and craziness within myself with ANY GUY.

I know that my boyfriend cheated and this makes things worse...but I just can't see to make any relationship work. My last boyfriend dumped me because I pushed him away with my insecurities. He never cheated or even looked at another woman...but still, I was terrible.

 

I feel more alone than ever while I'm a relationship rather than when I'm single. This isn't normal. What can I do? Therapy kinda seems like a waste of time...and also I don't really have the time to ditch work for a few hours to even go. : (

 

I'm wondering a few things right now:

-How old are you?

-How long have you been with your current boyfriend?

-How many relationships have you been in?

-How long has been the longest time that you have spent alone, not dependent on any man?

-What's so wrong about therapy?

[Cee]

The prescription is simple:

 

Break up with him and then be completely single for several months. Learn to love yourself and provide for all of your needs.

 

Do what you are most afraid of and then it will lose it's power. The way I learned to ski was to go up the hill and purposely fall down. I fell down about 20 times down the hill. Then I went up the hill and skied down because I was no longer afraid of falling.

 

I took the advice I gave you. I ended it with my boyfriend and was single for several years. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. And it is the best thing I've ever done. It was the greatest miracle of my life - to learn to love myself.

[rubyblue16]

i myself am in the exact same situation , well not exactly but i m insecure needy ( thought try desperatedly hard not to be ) , i wasnt clingy but i was always crying and scared of been left , cheated on , or me and my now ex bf falling apart or drifting apart =/ it happend with my last bf a year ago , i blamed that on being too young i was 14 and i went out with someone i had been besotted with for ageas , we finally went out it was okay for a few months and then my insecureities got the better of me and he ended it . 9 months later , i feel stronger , happier and got over ex number one which btw was not easy , then i met my new bf and i was very reluctent to get into a relationship because i didnt want it ending like my last but wo behold it has , i was insecure i cried pushed him away , he came round one day and i physically pushed him off me because i dont even know looking back now i cant understand it , he suggested we went on a break and things went way down hilll from theere and unfortunatly never got back on track , a week later i ended it becoz i cudnt deal with it not being the same as it was , two weeks on weve spoken once , i m finding it so hard to deal becoz it all seems so silly over nothing really ?

word of advice if you want to keep ur bf stop being insecure , go see someone speak to someone anyone seriously it lifts a huge load of ur shoulders , please before its tooo late once there gone theregone , its extremely hard to re vamp what was =]

all the best

[Lovelybird]

If this therapist couldn't help you effectively, have you considered change to another one?

 

You mean you are scared with what if you are failed when you try to live your own life without any help?

Edited February 24, 2011 by Lovelybird

[That_girl]

I'm wondering a few things right now:

-How old are you?

-How long have you been with your current boyfriend?

-How many relationships have you been in?

-How long has been the longest time that you have spent alone, not dependent on any man?

-What's so wrong about therapy?

 

 

25.

6 months.

3.

The last time I was alone was last year...for about 8 months. After my last ex ended it.

I don't know about therapy...I saw one recently and I felt like my therapist was not helping me. Also, I don't want to be medicated. I don't know...there is nothing wrong with it. I should definitely try someone else.

[That_girl]

Okay girl take a deep breath.

 

Your current boyfriend just isn't the one. First of all, he cheated. That raises alot of red flags because anyone capable of cheating is capable of being a repeatoffender, hence your insecurity is warranted.

 

My guess is that you're staying for the status quo. You want the comfort and support of someone who is going to be there, faithful or not.

 

There's nothing wrong with being single, as long as you're aware that it's not the be all and end all of things. Truthfully, if you actually love yourself, you would not put with someone with wandering eyes.

 

This really scares me. I feel like I want him to be the one....because I don't feel like he would repeat his mistake. He had done everything in his power to get me back. And he succeeded.

 

But I don't want to stay just because I need 'someone'. I kinda feel that way sometimes....I live alone and most of my friends have boyfriends.

 

I'm terrified of being alone. I do love him....but it sucks to have to own up to that.

[Star_Bright]

Hi That_Girl. I can relate to what you say in that I have stayed with the wrong guys (either they treated me badly, or I wasn't deeply in love with them etc.) solely because I was afraid of being alone. I would rather have been in a relationship than alone, so I stuck it through, all the while having that feeling of neediness and clingyness, at the very same time that I was thinking, "I know I deserve better," or, "I know he's not right for me." It doesn't make a lot of sense but I think it happens to a lot of people.

 

My sister had the same issue and she advised me to stay single for a year. She said to go on dates, but just for fun, and make it my goal to not get attached to someone. In the past I would just leap onto the first person who came along and try to stick through a relationship with them... what a bad way to go about it. I needed to raise my standards and be more picky and think, "is this guy really what I want? What are his good and bad qualities, etc."

 

And at this point in my life I am just being single and having a relationship with myself so that I can know and love myself better and stop getting into less-than-ideal relationships. It's hard at first, and I still feel lonely at times (I do date, but just casually... which has had its own set of issues), but the longer I do it, the stronger I feel, and I realize that all I really have, and all I should really need, is myself.

 

So I know it sounds hard but I would recommend being single for awhile.

 

Also, about therapy -- there are therapists that have appointment hours on Saturdays or at 5 or 6 pm for people who work. It can be really helpful and if you feel like it's something that would aid in understanding yourself and fixing this issue, I say why not? Try everything possible. Good luck.

[Alma Mobley]

Staying with a man who cheated on you when you are already prone to all these insecurities is a huge mistake. You've only invested six months in this relationship. Break up with him.

 

Switch your therapist to one with whom you feel more compatible. Sometimes you have to keep trying until you find the therapist that works with you as they all have different approaches and personalities. Don't stay with one that isn't working for you. If you don't want to take medication, don't, no one will force you.

 

Have your therapist work with you on your fears of abandonment and fear of being alone. Also develop coping strategies you can use when you are in a relationship so that you don't lose yourself in the relationship, which is what you are doing. That is unhealthy and you will continue to push healthy partners away with that.

 

You have so much to offer.. you don't have to settle with what you have (the cheater) because of this fear of being alone. You're only 25, hardly old. Just get yourself sorted and then look for the right guy.

[That_girl]

I have no idea what to do. Logically...what you're all saying is correct. But of course I have feelings for him and they're hard to fight. That's kinda why I gave him a second chance after the cheating. He said it was a one time thing and has been treating me gold ever since it happened 5 months ago. The problem is he cheated while he was on a trip.....and now that he is planning ANOTHER trip I'm a little worried.

 

I don't actually think that he would cheat again...but I do know that he has the capacity to do it given the fact that he already has.

 

He would be going for a month and this is something that he does regularly as he is an artist and has visited over 50 countries.

 

I don't know if I can deal with this...EVER. When will I be able to trust him again? Even if I could trust him or learn to...I don't know that I'd want to be involved in a long-distance relationship for parts of the year.

 

i hate this so much. I'd feel horrible ending it because I feel like he hasn't done anything but do what he normally would. I can't ask him not to go on a trip that will benefit his own career. I wouldn't do that. But I also have to do what's right for me. I can't be sitting around wondering every time he goes away.

 

It just seems that life is so ****ing unfair. I know that I have to make a decision fast.

[xpaperxcutx]

I have no idea what to do. Logically...what you're all saying is correct. But of course I have feelings for him and they're hard to fight. That's kinda why I gave him a second chance after the cheating. He said it was a one time thing and has been treating me gold ever since it happened 5 months ago. The problem is he cheated while he was on a trip.....and now that he is planning ANOTHER trip I'm a little worried.

 

I don't actually think that he would cheat again...but I do know that he has the capacity to do it given the fact that he already has.

 

He would be going for a month and this is something that he does regularly as he is an artist and has visited over 50 countries.

 

I don't know if I can deal with this...EVER. When will I be able to trust him again? Even if I could trust him or learn to...I don't know that I'd want to be involved in a long-distance relationship for parts of the year.

 

i hate this so much. I'd feel horrible ending it because I feel like he hasn't done anything but do what he normally would. I can't ask him not to go on a trip that will benefit his own career. I wouldn't do that. But I also have to do what's right for me. I can't be sitting around wondering every time he goes away.

 

It just seems that life is so ****ing unfair. I know that I have to make a decision fast.

 

Don't you see you're taking the blame for his faults? He was the one who broke your trust by cheating and you're admonishing yourself for not being good enough. If anything, I think you're still angry and upset about him but you're internalizing this angry and turning it on yourself.

 

Trust is important to a healthy relationship because it acts as it's foundation and platform. If you do not have trust what do you have?

Edited February 25, 2011 by xpaperxcutx

[That_girl]

Don't you see you're taking the blame for his faults? He was the one who broke your trust by cheating and you're admonishing yourself for not being good enough. If anything, I think you're still angry and upset about him but you're internalizing this angry and turning it on yourself.

 

Trust is important to a healthy relationship because it acts as it's foundation and platform. If you do not have trust what do you have?

 

 

I do feel like this is true, but I also think I feel bad because I agreed to give him another chance. And the second he decides to go on another trip, I start thinking about breaking up. It's kinda like I should have never given another chance at all if I'm not actually going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I want to, it's just that I can't. It was a one-time incident, and it happened about 2 months after we started dating....but it still feels so ****ty.

 

He is also very insecure. He constantly tells me that he doesn't feel like I love him enough, or that I don't care about him etc. He admits that he's insecure and that he has to work it on it too, but I'm just worried that its these exact thoughts that make a person cheat. There are many reasons why people cheat....but I know, from experience, that the only time I was inclined to cheat was when I didn't feel loved enough.

 

How do you learn how to trust? Is it even logical to believe that given this situation I actually can ever trust him??

[Alma Mobley]

He is also very insecure. He constantly tells me that he doesn't feel like I love him enough, or that I don't care about him etc. He admits that he's insecure and that he has to work it on it too, but I'm just worried that its these exact thoughts that make a person cheat. There are many reasons why people cheat....but I know, from experience, that the only time I was inclined to cheat was when I didn't feel loved enough.

 

You're right -- all those things are red flags. Excepting serial cheaters with no conscience, IME it's often been the insecure more prone to cheating because they need that outside validation.

 

How do you learn how to trust? Is it even logical to believe that given this situation I actually can ever trust him??

It is VERY hard to trust someone again after they have already cheated. This is going to come up every time he takes a trip. That is why I said to break up. I know the feelings are strong, but you already have issues and he is going to make them worse.

 

I know you probably won't take this advice but I do wish you good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know the "alone terror" as well. If you don't deal with it before you get into something very committed, whoever you are with will always subconsciously know and use it against you. HUman nature.

 

Those who can't be left attract those that really should be left.