dusicka Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 It's first time I'm writing in forum. I just realized I really need advise and there is no one I can talk to in person. Here's my story: 5 months ago I got employed. And there is where we first met, he is my supervisor. We spend all day at work together. After only one week I realized that I have a crush on him, and I knew he liked me too, but I had no idea if he has a girlfriend or something. We just clicked, agreed on everything, like best friends for years. On week 2, we went out on dinner, the two of us and two other colleagues. After the dinner we went dancing and we both felt the chemistry between us. That night we first kissed and he told me that has girlfriend for 10 years and that they live together. She lives in his apartment in another city, he goes to her on weekends. After the first kiss we were both confused, and there were no plans on continuing this "affair". But...unplanned things got happening. After few days we had another chance of being alone and we simply ended kissing passionately. One month passed and we were still being best friends and making out every now and then. Eventually we realized that we cannot restrain ourselves anymore from having sex. It was all like a dream, a game, no one was thinking for tomorrow. And we finally did it. Problems started to appear. I fell in love...he was confused, did not know what was feeling...I am everything he has always wanted, we are literally like soul mates, but those 10 years spent with another woman are standing firmly in the way. Around new year he saw me with an ex talking and got so jealous that he finally confessed to himself and to me that he is in love too. Throughout January we made love many times (perfect compatibility) and slept together, hugging and kissing all the time. And I knew then, he is the ONE, the ideal person for me, not because of looks or sex, but because he is the best person I met and I feel so calmed and secure when he is around. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. Real big problems started to happen to both of us. Every weekend he goes home - I feel sick, devastated, cursing destiny. He hasn't had sex with her 1 and half months (this weekend they are doing it, no more excuses). He feels awful, and knows not what to do. Because she loves him too, they have plans for future, their families are interconnected, he even gave her engagement ring last summer. We started fighting, too many lies said to all people around us, we miss each other every minute spent apart and I feel so powerless. We both feel strong true love (just like in the movies) but he cannot allows himself to hurt her, he cannot imagine to leave her. Now he is trapped in the middle between love that you find only once in life and the past and respect for her. He is all nervous and cannot sleep, having nightmares. I also don't know what to do. Deep down I know he was made for me, but we met under such difficult circumstances. Should I step aside and leave him to have not the happiest but at least peaceful life ....or should I stay and fight, be beside him, no matter how it ends?
Author dusicka Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 He knows I love him, there is no doubt that we would gladly spend our lives together if it weren't for her. But he loves her too, in a different way, after all, 10 years he's been with her, shared everything with her. She is his only girlfriend so far and he doesn't wants to hurt her (that is one of the reasons I love him, he is too goodhearted!). I don't know if a love can be so strong to possible defeat this 10 years period.
woinlove Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 He knows I love him, there is no doubt that we would gladly spend our lives together if it weren't for her. But he loves her too, in a different way, after all, 10 years he's been with her, shared everything with her. She is his only girlfriend so far and he doesn't wants to hurt her (that is one of the reasons I love him, he is too goodhearted!). I don't know if a love can be so strong to possible defeat this 10 years period. Only you know what you should do to make you happy and feel good about yourself. Perhaps that is ending things and perhaps that is waiting to see if this man leaves his fiancee. Perhaps it is giving him a clear choice, such as end things now to be with you or you will move on. From the other stories I have heard, I would not recommend just waiting as that seems to often cause a huge blow to one's self-esteem, such that the longer you wait, the less you feel you deserve. Some OW are happy, but then they don't consider it waiting, they enjoy being an OW. Whatever you do, it seems like you might try to look at this man a bit more realistically, particularly if you might consider trying to be with him for the long-term. Not everyone can pull off leading a double life for months, doing an essentially daily deception of trying to make the fiancee think she is his only true love. So the man you love is a bit different than many people, but I wouldn't say that means his is "too goodhearted!". In that, he is like other people capable of that type of deception. Perhaps you have done something similar and can understand it. I'm more of an open book around those I love, so I can't imagine pulling it off for more than a day or two (not that I have ever tried). Whatever your perspective - try to see it as it is, not as being too good. In fact, it might help to look at your entire situation a bit more realistically. Your post has a number of it-just-happened and he-is-trapped type statements which make it sound like you two are not adults in control of your own life. Take control and do what you think is best. Maybe your engaged man won't take control of his own life, and you can't make him, but you can take control of your own life.
findingnemo Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I don't know where you are from. But in my culture, marriage is the sacred thing. Before marriage, anything goes. First off, he has had a girlfriend for 10 years!!! Anywhere in the world, that is a long time unless they "liked" each other since they were teenagers or something. There are no real family ties until they marry. If you want this guy, go for him now!!! After they are married, it will be hell. So tell him that you believe that this is real love "like in the movies' and that he should leave his girlfriend. Your society will understand. As for him, he will say "yes' or "no". Engagements are the perfect opportunity for people to change their minds. Marriages are not. Do not even consider yourself the OW anymore. Go for it. You are wasting valuable time...Oh, and after you tell him to choose, DO NOT sleep with him unless he chooses you. As we say here, "why buy the cow if the milk is free?" Good luck!!
Carrot2000 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 he doesn't wants to hurt her GAAH! If I read this statement one more time I'm going to scream! Literally. My neighbors will probably call the cops but I don't care. Look, people get hurt all the time. That's not to say it's an easy thing to experience, but it's part of life. Everyone who has dared to love another has experienced some pain or loss when things don't work out, so your "boyfriend" can't use 'hurting her' as a reason to drag things out. If this man loves you, he needs to grow a pair and be honest with his girlfriend and tell her he wants out of the relationship. Yeah, she cry and everything but guess what? She'll get over it. She may actually realize that in a world of 7 billion people, there is a man out there who is a better fit for her. Hell, she might have a weekday boyfriend her damn self! Right now he's stealing her time and that's not cool. If he's truly a good-hearted person he'll free her to find her own happiness. But if he's too chicken$hit to do anything because of family ties and a shared past, you need to start moving on because, ultimately, he'll be stealing your time, too.
Author dusicka Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Thank you guys...your replies are really helpful, got me thinking...
QueenVictoria Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Thank you guys...your replies are really helpful, got me thinking... It could be a type of arranged marriage sort of thing.
alexandria35 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Nothing good hearted about cheating and deceiving. I would think a truly good hearted person would treat those he loves with honesty and respect.
Waitress Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Plain and simple, he is being disrespectful to her and you and to himself. I know you think if you hang in there he might choose you. That he is the most wonderful person you've known. But this is a man who can apparently function while deceiving the people closest to him. And chances are if he is lying to a woman he's been with for ten years he is lying to the new one - you. It seems you don't realize this yet, but your entire relationship is probably built on lies. In fact, your story is eerily similar to many, many others who have ended up crushed and devastated because they believed a cheat. I am starting to find it amazing how utterly predictable these men and the situations they create are. Do yourself a favor and read through stories on this forum. You will see yours repeated many times. Something tells me though you're sitting there thinking, this is different.
TurboGirl Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Plain and simple, he is being disrespectful to her and you and to himself. It seems you don't realize this yet, but your entire relationship is probably built on lies. In fact, your story is eerily similar to many, many others who have ended up crushed and devastated because they believed a cheat. I am starting to find it amazing how utterly predictable these men and the situations they create are. Do yourself a favor and read through stories on this forum. You will see yours repeated many times. Something tells me though you're sitting there thinking, this is different. Unforutnately, we always seem to think that our situation is different... that the man LOVES US ABOVE & BEYOND. Of course he is going to chose ME. This guy sounds selfish. If you ended up with his chosing you, could you/would you truly trust him if either one of you had to travel for a period of time? If he has been with this girl for 10 years, why aren't they married? It is always so difficult to make decisions when we fall in love.
Flabbergaster Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Inaction is a choice. The longer you stay in, the harder it will be to leave. Consider giving him a timeframe to make a decision between the two of you. Hold him to it. I've been in his position; it is very painful and confusing. If you give him zero pressure, you will get zero results. If you give him too much pressure, he'll tell you to back off. As soon as he chooses one of you, part of his heart dies. Painfully. He's going to avoid that as long as he can, in the same way that you chose not to walk away from him today. He doesn't want to choose; he won't if you don't ask him to choose. If he doesn't choose you, try to understand that the 10 yr investment is what beat you. She might not be as good as you, that 10yr is 'money in the bank' which gives her an unfair advantage. If he chooses her over you, he will probably be almost as miserable about it as you are, because he knows how good you are. Not much consolation...it's something. ready to stay in this situation another week? another month? 3 years?
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