Author Untouchable_Fire Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 There's no time or energy for anything. We hardly ever do anything. It's hurting our relationship, and we're both feeling more distant than we did when we were physically separated by hundreds of miles. And yet, there's no way out. He doesn't have the option of turning down overtime when they call him in and hasn't been getting any other job offers. So I admit it rubs me the wrong way to see "relationships shouldn't be so demanding" in this context. Well, they are, and you have to put effort into maintaining a connection. I agree with papercut that you just can't temporarily shelve a relationship to work like a dog and expect there to be absolutely no effects. That should not hurt your relationship. So long as you focus on one another and continue to build your lives in the same direction, it shouldn't matter. If your relationship is just built around the great times you have together, but can't take the tough times and the work... it isn't love. Love is enduring, love can overcome struggles of distance and time, love is not just there when it's convenient. You need to decide if what you have is really love. I mean if a few months of work and a bit of emotional distance is too much to handle... you don't have anything great.
Jynxx Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Also... if a guy is busting his hump to make money to pay for yet another set of $200 shoes... how is even remotely acceptable that his GF or wife run out and cheat with another guy. Shouldn't people like that be publicly flogged? Why did we stop using the stockades and other such embarrassing punishments for bad people like that? Because 145 years ago it was decided that money doesn't give you ownership over a person. Seriously, op, I have been hurt and cheated on in the past, but forcing people to stay faithfull isn't the solution. Think about this (not an easy question): if you knew your gf wanted to cheat on you, would you feel better living in a system where severe punishment on cheating was the law and you knew that only because of this she would never cheat on you, vs living in a free society where she can do whatever she wants without legal consequences.
Woggle Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I don't condone legal punishment but cheating on somebody in that position is just a crappy thing to do.
sweetjasmine Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 That should not hurt your relationship. So long as you focus on one another and continue to build your lives in the same direction, it shouldn't matter. What? It absolutely does matter. How can you build your lives together if you don't have time to be with each other or talk? There's more to a relationship than living in the same house. A relationship requires physical and emotional intimacy. If those suffer, so does the relationship. When one partner only has 8 hours of a day where he's not at work, there's no time for physical or emotional intimacy. There's barely enough time for When one partner is so drained, exhausted, miserable, and depressed that he can't gather the energy to do anything, then the relationship suffers. Or are you telling me that ~*~*~*true luv*~*~*~ would make that relationship stay perfect? If your relationship is just built around the great times you have together, but can't take the tough times and the work... it isn't love. How presumptuous of you. Thanks for the vote of confidence. You have no clue what our relationship is built on. We were able to take "tough times." Not many people can spend 2 years living hundreds of miles apart. But, please, do lecture me on what love is. Love is enduring, love can overcome struggles of distance and time, love is not just there when it's convenient. There's a limit to what love can endure. If you think there isn't, you're living in Disney fantasy land. If your girlfriend moved to the other side of the world for 10 years, do you think your relationship would survive? I mean if a few months of work and a bit of emotional distance is too much to handle... you don't have anything great. Wow, thanks, buddy, I'll go dump my SO right now. I never said it was "too much to handle." I said it was harming our relationship.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 What? It absolutely does matter. How can you build your lives together if you don't have time to be with each other or talk? There's more to a relationship than living in the same house. A relationship requires physical and emotional intimacy. If those suffer, so does the relationship. When one partner only has 8 hours of a day where he's not at work, there's no time for physical or emotional intimacy. There's barely enough time for When one partner is so drained, exhausted, miserable, and depressed that he can't gather the energy to do anything, then the relationship suffers. Or are you telling me that ~*~*~*true luv*~*~*~ would make that relationship stay perfect? How presumptuous of you. Thanks for the vote of confidence. You have no clue what our relationship is built on. We were able to take "tough times." Not many people can spend 2 years living hundreds of miles apart. But, please, do lecture me on what love is. There's a limit to what love can endure. If you think there isn't, you're living in Disney fantasy land. If your girlfriend moved to the other side of the world for 10 years, do you think your relationship would survive? Wow, thanks, buddy, I'll go dump my SO right now. I never said it was "too much to handle." I said it was harming our relationship. Hey! You should feel all fired up and defensive! This is YOUR relationship. You should be ready to do more than fight for it, and I'm glad to see it. What you two have accomplished together is freaking amazing. Why let a few months of different schedules even slow your train down? When come home and see him sleeping, You are going to smile, lightly kiss him and take a silent moment to glow with the fact that you have each other. So what if you have some hard months or don't get to talk to him as much as you want. Why should that bring you down? Do you feel me?
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 It amuses me that when a woman doesnt have money, she believes that his money is her money and her money is his money. But when a woman has money, she suddenly believes that her money is her money only. Agreed 100%. And then they still expect us to do everything and be dogs to them and if we say no they'll get a hissy sissy fit and cheat in our home, with our best friends, with our kids in the house, for years at a time.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Agreed 100%. And then they still expect us to do everything and be dogs to them and if we say no they'll get a hissy sissy fit and cheat in our home, with our best friends, with our kids in the house, for years at a time. Men, can put a stop to this. Women only perform ****ery as far as we let them.
Woggle Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I must agree. Why blame him in this economy for a situation that is beyond his control?
sweetjasmine Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 What you two have accomplished together is freaking amazing. Why let a few months of different schedules even slow your train down? What I'm saying is that it's impossible for our situation not to have a negative effect on our relationship. It's like the literal physical distance: you do what you can to cope, but in the end, it's just not the same. We're coping and hanging on, but my original point was that working too much can be harmful and can have a negative impact on a relationship by messing with the ability to nurture and maintain physical and emotional intimacy. Relationships require 'maintenance'. When come home and see him sleeping, You are going to smile, lightly kiss him and take a silent moment to glow with the fact that you have each other. So what if you have some hard months or don't get to talk to him as much as you want. Why should that bring you down? I actually do that , but that doesn't make the situation suddenly easy to deal with. It's difficult. He's unhappy, hates his job, and is terrified of being stuck there. There's no way that his state of mind isn't going to have an effect on our relationship. It's unavoidable. And there's currently no end date: we don't know whether he's going to be stuck in this job for another couple of months or several years, and that makes it harder to deal with. It's also not just about not talking as much as we want. We miss each other and we live in the same place. Going from an LDR to living together to that is frustrating, to say the least, and this situation is preventing us from moving forward, from getting married and buying a home. And this is all because his job often makes him put in 40+ hours of overtime per week. There's a reason why every single man who works at that place is divorced and alone. I try not to dwell on it or let it upset me, but some days, it does. I must agree. Why blame him in this economy for a situation that is beyond his control? Do you mean me specifically or do you mean in general?
Woggle Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I am addressing your situation but I speaking in general. Why blame him for being hit by this economy? Many people are struggling and I am sure he is doing what he can.
sweetjasmine Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I am addressing your situation but I speaking in general. Why blame him for being hit by this economy? Many people are struggling and I am sure he is doing what he can. I'm actually honestly offended by your question, and it pisses me off. Where in my posts do you see me blaming him? I absolutely do not blame him for it, but he blames himself plenty. He literally did nothing wrong and was lied to about the position because the company screwed something up and had to switch around openings. But they didn't tell him any of that until his first day, and he came home that day more upset than I'd ever seen him before. He said he couldn't remember the last time he had ever been that upset about anything. He puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on himself over all of this, and it's very upsetting. I try very hard to help him through that and phrase every sentence carefully so I don't accidentally add more pressure and drop more weight on his shoulders. The absolute last thing he needs is me criticizing what he's done or saying something negative and unproductive. It breaks my heart when he gets angry at himself and beats himself up over our situation. I frequently worry about how much stress he's under and how it might affect his health. I worry about him becoming clinically depressed. So I'm rather disgusted by your assumption that I'm blaming him for it. Jesus, Woggle, I know that you have trouble shaking the belief that all women treat men like sh-t, but give me a f-ing break here.
Woggle Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I apologize if that is how I read it but your post did sound like you are thinking of breaking up with him as if it was his fault but I am sorry if that is not what you meant.
sweetjasmine Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I apologize if that is how I read it but your post did sound like you are thinking of breaking up with him as if it was his fault but I am sorry if that is not what you meant. Thanks, I appreciate the apology. And, no, that's not what I meant at all. I love this man and want to spend my life with him. I mentioned in one of my posts that we want to buy a house and get married. I'm not planning on going anywhere or breaking up with him and I don't blame him at all. I was just trying to provide my perspective on how working too much can affect a relationship and interfere with physical and emotional intimacy. The suggestion that I'm blaming him really bothered me because it hurts to see him blame himself every single day. It kills me when he apologizes to me for "screwing everything up" when he hasn't done a single thing wrong and doesn't have anything to apologize for. Blaming him would be like kicking him in the gut when he's already down on the ground. I'm not that kind of person, and it bugs me that someone would suggest or think that I am.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 It amuses me that when a woman doesnt have money, she believes that his money is her money and her money is his money. But when a woman has money, she suddenly believes that her money is her money only. : That is a massive generalization. I am a woman, I make more money than my man, and I share everything I have with him. I have other female friends who are in the same situation. Maybe you need to expand your horizons. Originally Posted by Woggle I am addressing your situation but I speaking in general. Why blame him for being hit by this economy? Many people are struggling and I am sure he is doing what he can. Dude, she cast no blame whatsoever. She said that the circumstances are negatively affecting her relationship.
Woggle Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I apologized for not understanding what she meant. You have to admit though there are situations where the man shows the slightest hint of vulnerability or struggle even in very hard economic times and the woman is out the door. It was unfair to assume that was the case in her situation and that is why I admitted I was wrong.
sally4sara Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 I apologized for not understanding what she meant. You have to admit though there are situations where the man shows the slightest hint of vulnerability or struggle even in very hard economic times and the woman is out the door. It was unfair to assume that was the case in her situation and that is why I admitted I was wrong. Also not something to blame the guy for. It doesn't happen because he showed vulnerability. Its not like she was wonderful and content and then BLAM! he effs it up by showing vulnerability. It was effed up all along, there had just been no situation until then where he knew what kind of character she had. Its why I don't think wooing someone with money and gifts is a good way of finding or keeping a partner. And in today's society, its something we all should be mindful of because we're all potential targets to anyone who gets by on the effort and earning ability of others.
Woggle Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Also not something to blame the guy for. It doesn't happen because he showed vulnerability. Its not like she was wonderful and content and then BLAM! he effs it up by showing vulnerability. It was effed up all along, there had just been no situation until then where he knew what kind of character she had. Its why I don't think wooing someone with money and gifts is a good way of finding or keeping a partner. And in today's society, its something we all should be mindful of because we're all potential targets to anyone who gets by on the effort and earning ability of others. This is very true but some guys see a pretty face and a smile and they lose all sense.
denise_xo Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 It amuses me that when a woman doesnt have money, she believes that his money is her money and her money is his money. But when a woman has money, she suddenly believes that her money is her money only. . Generalised posts like this PISS ME OFF big time. I've always been the bread winner in my R. And yes, 'my' so called money is OUR money. Take your god damn prejudice somewhere else.
sally4sara Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 This is very true but some guys see a pretty face and a smile and they lose all sense. And the flip side is because we are moving away from the family model of a wife fully dependent on a bread winning husband toward ones where either could support the family while the other stays at home or both contributing financially - women don't always see it coming when a guy intends to use her to meet his financial needs with no contribution out of him at all.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 That is a massive generalization. I am a woman, I make more money than my man, and I share everything I have with him. I have other female friends who are in the same situation. Maybe you need to expand your horizons. Yes, it is a generalization. Does that automatically mean it can't be true? There is really no data to say if it is a fact or not, which put's it squarely in the realm of opinion. I can't say your opinion is more valid than his. Personally, I've seen both. In my experience you are both correct, although I have seen many more situations like his than like yours. Generalised posts like this PISS ME OFF big time. I've always been the bread winner in my R. And yes, 'my' so called money is OUR money. Take your god damn prejudice somewhere else. How can you get upset about something that clearly doesn't apply to you. You can't spend your whole day in some form of righteous indignation. Oh... look at that commercial, squirrels don't really high five each other, that is a generalization about squirrels... GRRRRR. If someone isn't talking about you... why get upset?
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 What I'm saying is that it's impossible for our situation not to have a negative effect on our relationship. It's like the literal physical distance: you do what you can to cope, but in the end, it's just not the same. We're coping and hanging on, but my original point was that working too much can be harmful and can have a negative impact on a relationship by messing with the ability to nurture and maintain physical and emotional intimacy. Relationships require 'maintenance'. Yes, it's frustrating, and hard. I can understand the short term negative impact. I'm naturally a really confident person and I believe things will work out well in the end. The negative impact should only be short term.
Woggle Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 If someone isn't talking about you... why get upset? The dynamic you mention does exist but don't you get angry when people say men are all dogs who will cheat if given the chance? Don't you get angry when people say men are helpless babies who would live in squalor without a woman to pick after them? I know I hate these generalizations so you can't blame a woman for getting angry when they are forced to defend themselves against generalizations.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 The dynamic you mention does exist but don't you get angry when people say men are all dogs who will cheat if given the chance? Don't you get angry when people say men are helpless babies who would live in squalor without a woman to pick after them? I know I hate these generalizations so you can't blame a woman for getting angry when they are forced to defend themselves against generalizations. No, that doesn't upset me at all. I recognize it as impossible and not applicable to me. Why would that make me upset? It seems ridiculous. I get upset when a woman says. I cheated on my husband and am currently taking every item he owns. If someone insulted my nationality, race, or religion, that might upset me.
TheBigQuestion Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 . You can't spend your whole day in some form of righteous indignation. Oh... look at that commercial, squirrels don't really high five each other, that is a generalization about squirrels... GRRRRR. If someone isn't talking about you... why get upset? I think you've been posting on LS long enough now to know that a huge portion of the posters here just itch at the opportunity to talk about how offended they are about something more than anything else. Their sole purpose for posting is expressing righteous indignation.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 How can you get upset about something that clearly doesn't apply to you. Thank goodness that people historically DO get upset about things that do not apply to them, or there would have been no civil rights changes in our history. In this case, she is a woman, like I am. I think it is appropriate for us to feel angry or indignant when someone talks about all of US in a way that does not apply to US. For the record, I would be just as annoyed if the person said "all Black people are scared of dogs," or "all Gay men are cross dressers," or "all men cheat on their wives," or "all priests are pederasts," or "all Lesbians have mustaches," or "all Southern people are married to their close relatives," or "all White people are terrible at sex," or "all Asian people are bad drivers," or ... well, you get the picture. I'm not a member of all those particular social groups, but lots of people are just offended by displays of prejudice and bigotry. And though I am indeed annoyed by such generalizations, I must say that the person making them certainly displays themselves in a dramatically poor light. originally posted by Untouchable Fire: If someone insulted my nationality, race, or religion, that might upset me. REALLY? But you take exception to a woman getting upset by a vast insult to her entire gender? Some of you should really internalize this very astute characterization of the quality of being bigoted (and no, I am not "heinous name calling;" I'm not calling anyone in particular a bigot. So no need to report me to Tony this time): Bigoted people ignore the reality that there’s greater diversity within any grouping (men, women, black, white, gay, straight) than there is between these groupings.
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