Looking For

[ambigram]

Advice....Hi all. First time posting but I've been reading this board for

quite a while now. Some really great advice from some really smart

people on here so I come seeking some..Thanks in advance and sorry for

the long post but I think it's all impt stuff and I really am at

odds..So...I'll begin by telling what I believe is impt background about

the two of us and go from there...Ahhhh-Deep Breath....

 

 

'Me' = 51 year old man in Canada. Been split from my wife for 10

years.For the first 8 or so I never even so much as went out on a

date-by choice. Then I went on Plenty Of Fish as recommended by a

co-worker and met 'Her',about 18 months ago.

 

'Her' = 41 year old woman with two boys aged 11 and 14. Her

husband of ten years cheated and left her about 3 months before we came

in contact. He's not been heard of since and they are just now divorced

and she has the house. She is also originally from Britain and has been

here for about 10 years. She left her parents home when she was 16 and

hooked up with a thirty-something year old man. Was with him for a few

years and broke up with him,maried another man her own age,got divorced

after 2 years and took back up with the older man and had her oldest

son.They split and then she met and married the recent guy and had a 2nd

son.She claimed that she didn't love him,was really only with him

because he was a good provider(He made 6 figures),and that they didn't

even have sex for years and so meeting me really wasn't a typical

rebound....I also think she's addicted to the internet and particularly

facebook...She typically spends aprox 50% of her day on the computer.

She runs a daycare from her home and is home all day

 

 

'Us' = She contacted me via POF and really came on hard though

she did seem cautious at first with things like phone numbers,etc.We

talked on POF for a week and then Instant messanger,Facebook and finally

the phone. We talked for six weeks before meeting. I suggested we meet

for a walk and a bite and she was ok with it. As we talked more and it

got closer to the date she suggested that for our first date that she

come to my apartment and spend the weekend. Hey? How could I say

no?..Anyway,great weekend-head over heals. She would come to me every

chance she could and within about a month I was spending weekends at her

house. She would call me all the time,e-mail me all the time,leave

loving messages all day long on IM while I was working for me to read

when I got to my apartment.Within a couple months I was staying at her

place every night and never at my apartment. She had even asked me to

move in but I'd say we should wait and then I'd suggest me moving in and

she'd say we should wait. I've never in my life had trust or jealously

issues but something didn't 'feel' right. The old gut feeling that's

talked about on here was in full force. First I noticed a message on her

Facebook and asked her who it was and she said she thinks it was someone

that was"stalking' her on Plent Of Fish. So I snooped her e-mail and

found out that she was talking to this guy like a good friend and saying

that she'd like to meet up for coffee sometime and completely omitting

me from any of the details in her e-mails.Nothing in the e-mails were

suggestive though. She told me that he did know about me but couldn't

prove it because the e-mails where she talked about me were deleted.Ya

right!. She said she just didn't want to brush him off because she

didn't want to hurt his feelings. At my request she messaged him and

told him that she'd met someone and thanks but no thanks. That was a red

flag for me and really started playing on my mind. At that point we'd

been together for 4 months or so. It also really bothered me the way she

constantly made flirty eye contact and smiled at men that she'd deemed

good looking whenever we were out. At first she said she doesn't do it

but later said she probably does it for validation and that she didn't

have a good relationship with her Dad,and would correct herself because

it bothered me. And for the most part she has..There have been a few

other things that triggered my 'gut'.

Now for this part. I know I'll probably get flamed but it's

important. I bought a voice recorder. It's not something I'd ever done

in the past,or proud of, and doubt I ever would again but I was consumed

with doubt and really just wanted to get to the bottom(the smoking gun

if you will),of things. I wanted to know if I was wasting my time with a

cheater or potential cheater. I never really discovered a smoking gun

but she was extremely flirty with a young man doing work in her house.

And,she's always givin me the impression that she is the type that would

have opportunistic fooling around with a man if she knew she wouldn't

get caught(based on gut feelings and just the way she is). Always wants

to be the center of attn-very outgoing-very flirty with attractive

men--not shy or nervous at all,etc...Also one day when I was at work she

was emailing me during the day saying that she was throwing up all

day.She had turned me down sex the night before and again in the evening

of the day in question. The recorder discovered that she wasn't sick and

in fact had mast--b-ted during the day. So I'm back at my apartment for

the last 6 weeks(her request). She said she wants to slow things down

and have the week days to do stuff and hang with her boys. She's also

very nervous of anybody having any chance of a claim on her house

because of how she almost lost the house when her hubby

left.(understandable-and I don't want a claim and have told her so).I go

out to her house Friday after work and leave Monday morning. We've gone

from practically living together to that.She said she doesn't see that

changing in the forseeable future(her words),and doesn't think we will

live together until her boys are grown and gone. She's very happy now

with the way things are and I'm misserable.. Dumb me,I have become very

needy and clingy. Stupid I know....Where I once got to work and she'd

have a 'good Morning Sweetheart' e-mail waiting for me she hasn't done

that for weeks. She still calls me and claims that she loves me and

still wants to be with me. Our sex life has gone from at least once per

day in the very beginning to once in the 3 weekend nights that I'm with

her. Where she at one time insisted that we keep the phone lines open by

our pillows when we were apart and going to bed she now never wants to

do that. Some nights she'll say she's in bed,yawn and say she's gonna

tuck in and we'll hang up and then she turns on the bedroom tv and

watches it for an hour before laying down to sleep. Some nights she'll

hang up from me and mast--b-te.....Trust me people-I'm gonna smash the

recorder and throw it away but it has given me clues about her and our

relationship that I never would have known. And I sincerely hope it can

be overlooked enough to give me some sound advice...

 

We've obviously been beating our relationship to death over the

past while over different opinions of where we're headed. She's ok with

things as they are,says she loves me,shows me she loves me(not as much

as before though). And I'm not too happy with where we're at now... And

to make matters worse I've become very clingy-needy-whiney-checking up

on her and she says that's also driving a wedge between us...

 

In short,I'm 51 yrs old and not getting any younger and really

would like to merge lives and assets with someone and build a true

partnership....

 

And,I Love her to death....It will kill me if we must

split,though I can't guage if she'd be as gutted as I am...

 

How should I proceed?...And once again a sincere thankyou and

great forum...Should anybody require more info please ask..I really must

solve this...

[ambigram]

Sorry but I also must add that I'm very concerned that I'm going

to eventually get into an altercation with her 14 yr old son. He IS the

man of the house. When he says jump his Mom asks how high? He often

tells her to f off and go f herself and she really can't say anything. I

almost lost it one day when he grabbed her by the throat but he let go

before I did anything. She says that I have every right to say something

to him should he get out of line but I haven't. I feel as though if and

when the day does come that she'll side with him and I'll be out the

door...Maybe wrong,but that's how I feel......

[ambigram]

Wow...That was brutal/totally honest and I thank you for that..

 

 

That being said although I didn't date for 10 years it was not because I couldn't . I simply focused all my energy on my 2 daughters who are now 14 and 17...And who would never ever disrespect me the way her oldest boy does to her...Also I'm 51 years old but most people think I'm 10 years younger. 5'11,170 pounds,full head of hair and no grey...I don't look sappy and opportunities are out there for me...

 

You are correct though in the fact that I ignored many red flags to get a shag on. She's very pretty/physically exactlly what I look for in a woman and very very good at appearing to be everything that a man could ask for....

 

I think you have read her almost the same way that I've been trying to come to grips with and I thank you for your insight........

[ambigram]

And also,I know she's not using me for money as she makes about the same as I do....I do wonder though if she isn't using me as a FWB until someone else comes along because our sex is great..

[ambigram]

All women want financial security, even if they make money. Did you spend your money on anything? Although I do commend you for actually raising your children, something most people can't do, you still deserve to have relationships and sex...lots of sex. A big problem in the united states is that a lot of fathers don't have access to lots of sex, due to the circumstances of frigid women, crazy women, no prostitutes, and the entire stigma of sex in the united states in general. Then when their daughters mature past puberty it becomes very hard for fathers not to give off sexual vibes to their daughters. People will swear up and down that they don't do this, but it is nature, it is in your brain, it is biology, you can't help it, your dick goes BOING when you see girls that are ready for babies. The younger the girl, the healthier the baby. This is also science and also the reason all men love young girls.

 

Now I am not telling you this to accuse you of being a pervert, I am telling you this that the relationship with your daughters is going to be affected when you don't get the sex you need. This woman is great sex, looks good, and is detached enough to give you a chase. However it will never become a real relationship, and that is what you need to be able to show your daughters...how adult men and women act in relationships. I say get another woman, drop this woman, and strive to demonstrate to your children that healthy relationships are possible.

 

Weird....I actually took into consideration what you said until you started talking about fathers and dughters in a sexual nature....That point confused me. My daughters still live in the big house with their Mother that I help provide for and my daughters and I are good friends/that's all...

 

 

 

I'm very,very close to cutting all ties with my girlfriend though because of how I feel about too many things being not right...I've actually just skimmed the things that are wrong with her but because of stupid love I've just trucked on...

 

 

 

Thank's for your insight though...I think you're bang on and have backed up the way I actually feel about mine and her relationship....

 

 

If you've got the time to talk about other 'red flags',from my original post it will help me further,and thanks...

 

 

Anyone else???

[ShatteredReality]

Ok...this relationship is going to be a TON of work for you. How she can let her son talk to her that way is beyond me...I don't have a ton of self respect and I have a low self image - both things I am working on - and I'd knock my boy upside the head if he spoke to me that way. So this girls self image must be tanked. That also explains the flirting...she needs constant validation and attention to reassure herself. She's most likely a cheating risk b/c once she no longer feels your attention is sufficient she will probably allow herself to get backed into some sort of corner getting the attention somewhere else and find herself in a position she's not strong enough to push her way out of - instead she'll give in and tell herself it wasn't what she wanted but she had no choice or didn't want to hurt the guys feelings. Pushy men can sniff women out like that and will play on them until they get what they want.

 

You also want to be able to show your girls a stable relationship, you want them to see that you respect yourself enough to choose a woman who will treat you right, treat them right, and treat herself with respect - as they should do.

 

I suggest sitting down and trying to take the emotional aspect out of this scenario - I know it's hard but try. Write down a list of pros and cons, what do you love about her? What don't you love? What are you willing to live with? What aren't you willing to live with? No one can make these choices but you - no one can tell you to leave or to stay - that's a choice you have to make. You're 51 - you know that already, you just need to hear it again don't you?

 

Get rid of the recorder. While I agree you have learned a lot from it, it's also a huge indicator this relationship isn't going to work. If you can't give her privacy for fear of what will happen if you aren't aware of it then it will not work. You cannot stay in a relationship and live in fear...the two don't combine well and something will eventually give.

 

Hope I made sense.

[ShatteredReality]

All women want financial security, even if they make money. Did you spend your money on anything? Although I do commend you for actually raising your children, something most people can't do, you still deserve to have relationships and sex...lots of sex. A big problem in the united states is that a lot of fathers don't have access to lots of sex, due to the circumstances of frigid women, crazy women, no prostitutes, and the entire stigma of sex in the united states in general. Then when their daughters mature past puberty it becomes very hard for fathers not to give off sexual vibes to their daughters. People will swear up and down that they don't do this, but it is nature, it is in your brain, it is biology, you can't help it, your dick goes BOING when you see girls that are ready for babies. The younger the girl, the healthier the baby. This is also science and also the reason all men love young girls.

 

Now I am not telling you this to accuse you of being a pervert, I am telling you this that the relationship with your daughters is going to be affected when you don't get the sex you need.

 

Um. No. Just. No.

 

(oh whatever I tried to do the quote but I accidentally erased something vital - you get it though)

Edited February 25, 2011 by ShatteredReality
issues with quote thingy

[ambigram]

Ok...this relationship is going to be a TON of work for you. How she can let her son talk to her that way is beyond me...I don't have a ton of self respect and I have a low self image - both things I am working on - and I'd knock my boy upside the head if he spoke to me that way. So this girls self image must be tanked. That also explains the flirting...she needs constant validation and attention to reassure herself. She's most likely a cheating risk b/c once she no longer feels your attention is sufficient she will probably allow herself to get backed into some sort of corner getting the attention somewhere else and find herself in a position she's not strong enough to push her way out of - instead she'll give in and tell herself it wasn't what she wanted but she had no choice or didn't want to hurt the guys feelings. Pushy men can sniff women out like that and will play on them until they get what they want.

 

You also want to be able to show your girls a stable relationship, you want them to see that you respect yourself enough to choose a woman who will treat you right, treat them right, and treat herself with respect - as they should do.

 

I suggest sitting down and trying to take the emotional aspect out of this scenario - I know it's hard but try. Write down a list of pros and cons, what do you love about her? What don't you love? What are you willing to live with? What aren't you willing to live with? No one can make these choices but you - no one can tell you to leave or to stay - that's a choice you have to make. You're 51 - you know that already, you just need to hear it again don't you?

 

Get rid of the recorder. While I agree you have learned a lot from it, it's also a huge indicator this relationship isn't going to work. If you can't give her privacy for fear of what will happen if you aren't aware of it then it will not work. You cannot stay in a relationship and live in fear...the two don't combine well and something will eventually give.

 

Hope I made sense.

Thanks for that...My daugters have actually been over/stayed the night at my girlfiends house. Everything has been 'normal' in that regard. My daughters have no indication what so ever that I'm having trouble with my girlfriend...

 

 

As a strange side note-Like I've said she is addicted to Facebook...Spends many many hours per day on the computer which didn't bother me at first because she has her laptop on the kitchen counter and I love to cook so it allowed us to spend a lot of time together. But then the Facebook addiction became evident...Like I said she's here only 10 years from Britain...She has about 150 friends on FB...Not one friend is a relative...Not one.....She has 1 mentally challenged sibling so it's understandable why her sibling isn't her FB friend but she's got parents,uncles,aunts,cousins and not one does she have as a friend.. All her FB friends are old British schoolmates and people that she's met in Canada....Am I reading more into this?

[ambigram]

All women want financial security, even if they make money. Did you spend your money on anything? Although I do commend you for actually raising your children, something most people can't do, you still deserve to have relationships and sex...lots of sex. A big problem in the united states is that a lot of fathers don't have access to lots of sex, due to the circumstances of frigid women, crazy women, no prostitutes, and the entire stigma of sex in the united states in general. Then when their daughters mature past puberty it becomes very hard for fathers not to give off sexual vibes to their daughters. People will swear up and down that they don't do this, but it is nature, it is in your brain, it is biology, you can't help it, your dick goes BOING when you see girls that are ready for babies. The younger the girl, the healthier the baby. This is also science and also the reason all men love young girls.

 

Now I am not telling you this to accuse you of being a pervert, I am telling you this that the relationship with your daughters is going to be affected when you don't get the sex you need.

 

Um. No. Just. No.

 

(oh whatever I tried to do the quote but I accidentally erased something vital - you get it though)

Ha ha... I get you...I really appreciate his advice and think he was bang on in his original post but he went off in a tangent on that post....It's ok

[ShatteredReality]

Thanks for that...My daugters have actually been over/stayed the night at my girlfiends house. Everything has been 'normal' in that regard. My daughters have no indication what so ever that I'm having trouble with my girlfriend...

 

 

As a strange side note-Like I've said she is addicted to Facebook...Spends many many hours per day on the computer which didn't bother me at first because she has her laptop on the kitchen counter and I love to cook so it allowed us to spend a lot of time together. But then the Facebook addiction became evident...Like I said she's here only 10 years from Britain...She has about 150 friends on FB...Not one friend is a relative...Not one.....She has 1 mentally challenged sibling so it's understandable why her sibling isn't her FB friend but she's got parents,uncles,aunts,cousins and not one does she have as a friend.. All her FB friends are old British schoolmates and people that she's met in Canada....Am I reading more into this?

 

If she is using FB as just a way to keep in touch with old friends and meet new people...but not letting family on there maybe it's b/c she wants her privacy? I don't know...I have all kinds of family on there...and then some friends, but the family came first for photo sharing and such...it keeps me in check knowing my mom is going to read what I post (yeah, even all these years into adulthood I care still). I don't think I'd read too much into the FB thing...but it's definitely odd.

 

As for your daughters. Keep in mind her sons. Please. I don't know what that other dude was talking about about you putting your sexuality onto them..that's just scary and weird and wrong - some of his views are....off...or at least I just don't agree with them even a little, but what I did think about was the fact that her son can be so disrespectful...keep in mind that he can treat your girls that same way. My mom told me to watch how a boy treats his mom - that is how he will most likely treat his wife. Well her son clearly doesn't respect his mom and most likely doesn't respect many women as a whole. I blame his mother partially for this - as it's her job to set him straight and she obviously never did - but he can and will treat your girls this way if your relationship goes to the next level. Just a heads up something to look for.

[ambigram]

No just no? Lol, you sound like the OP trying to deny science. You honestly believe your civilized brain that is less than (insert your age) can somehow compete with mother nature shaping our behavior for millions of years? Let me guess, you believe in God too don't you?

 

 

Please.....I don't want this to be anything other than reinsurance and help for me to move on....Focus..............

[ShatteredReality]

Please.....I don't want this to be anything other than reinsurance and help for me to move on....Focus..............

 

No worries on my end...I just thought that one post was icky. And in poor taste.

 

Bottom line Ambi - you need to really look at this relationship for what it is...and ask yourself, is it what you want for the rest of your life? Don't stay because you are just "used to" her or because you have "invested so much"...you aren't married yet - if you're gonna walk now is the time. Also - don't let your insecurities gauge your actions. Dump those right now, if you are as self confident as you try to convey when you say that you know you have options out there and such, then act it. She's not the ONLY one for you, but is the the one that you want to fight for?

[ambigram]

If she is using FB as just a way to keep in touch with old friends and meet new people...but not letting family on there maybe it's b/c she wants her privacy? I don't know...I have all kinds of family on there...and then some friends, but the family came first for photo sharing and such...it keeps me in check knowing my mom is going to read what I post (yeah, even all these years into adulthood I care still). I don't think I'd read too much into the FB thing...but it's definitely odd.

 

As for your daughters. Keep in mind her sons. Please. I don't know what that other dude was talking about about you putting your sexuality onto them..that's just scary and weird and wrong - some of his views are....off...or at least I just don't agree with them even a little, but what I did think about was the fact that her son can be so disrespectful...keep in mind that he can treat your girls that same way. My mom told me to watch how a boy treats his mom - that is how he will most likely treat his wife. Well her son clearly doesn't respect his mom and most likely doesn't respect many women as a whole. I blame his mother partially for this - as it's her job to set him straight and she obviously never did - but he can and will treat your girls this way if your relationship goes to the next level. Just a heads up something to look for.

 

 

Oddly enough his Mom is the only one that he treats that way. He treats me with the utmost respect. That being said he is one of 'those' kids that get suspended from school a lot. Has had the cops show up for foolish boy stuff and I predict that he will eventually end in big trouble one day.. He doesn't get to spend time with my girls as their interaction has been limited by circumstance. No worries there

[ambigram]

Agree with them? You do know what science is don't you? Are you going to say you don't agree with my belief that gravity is real? Lord, now I know you believe in God.

 

 

 

Since you didn't understand why I explained the sexuality you press onto your daughters, I'll explain it again since you think it was completely irrelevant.

 

The longer you go without sex, the longer you stay in unhealthy relationships, the longer you act clingy and whiney, is directly correlated to the amount of emotional damage you are causing your daughters.

 

You denying yourself healthy sex, healthy relationships, and healthy behavior is going to NEGATIVELY affect your relationship with your daughters and DIRECTLY affect the way they view sex, and sex with men. Get it? When you don't have sex, they suffer, when you get involved with crazy women, they suffer. You don't think your daughters can detect emotional changes in you and your girlfriend? Children are way more sensitive to these types of changes than you or I, especially you, since you can't even admit that if those girls weren't biologically related to you, you would have no problem sleeping with them. Am I right?

 

So bottom line, your motivation for breaking up with this woman is the mental and emotional health of your daughters. I wonder if that thought is strong enough to circumvent your biological need for sex? HMMMM! Interesting no?

 

 

I do agree that perhaps I've not been paying as much attn to my daughters as I once did because of this relationship that I'm in..Agree...

 

 

I do know about the science stuff that you're talking about...For example: Young daughters that have a step Dad in the house are likely to begin their period earlier than if their natural Dad was still living with them in the same home...I GET IT DUDE....

 

And you're wrong...OMG...You make so much sense at times and go off to say as a 51 year old man that I'd like to bang a 16 yr old girl....C'mon man...Focus...Or at least pay attn to the facts of a thread.

 

 

Any other opinions are welcomed...

Edited February 25, 2011 by ambigram

[ambigram]

OK...So it'd Friday and I about to leave work. gonna go to her place for one last weekend and hopefully one last romp. Will spring it to her on Sunday. I hope I don't end up regretting this...here goes.......

[max2go]

This one is simple mate, though i understand when you are so clouded by your issues and feelings, anyone with children, esp. a young adult male, should be avoided..............not what you may want to hear but you will find you are wasting your time, energy and emotions, not to mention the negative affect on your health.

[ambigram]

OK...So it'd Friday and I about to leave work. gonna go to her place for one last weekend and hopefully one last romp. Will spring it to her on Sunday. I hope I don't end up regretting this...here goes.......

 

 

Well I went to her place. Had a nice weekend and didn't say anything...I'd still really like to hear from more people...Please........

[ShatteredReality]

Well I went to her place. Had a nice weekend and didn't say anything...I'd still really like to hear from more people...Please........

 

Don't keep yourself standing in the same place. You are going to have to move this ball forward.

 

I don't log on during weekends - it's my internet break time for the most part, but I totally would have told you to be sure to talk to her since you were going to see her.

 

Are you dragging it out b/c you like the sex? You don't seem to be very happy with her if you're going through this much anxiety and stress over the situation...logic is telling you one thing and your heart another. Forget Disney - don't follow your heart - it's treacherous and leads you into dark places. The only time you follow your heart is when your logic coincides. (I'll be the Kettle today thank you, you may be the Pot.)

 

As for her son - he probably respects men in general more than he does women. Also, he's not going to act toward your daughters the way he does toward his mother in front of you. Nor will he even do it in the beginning of any relationship he forms. Only later, once he's past the very beginning stage and feels more secure about the relationship will he let that side of him out...most likely. Obviously I don't know the kid enough to tell for sure...but in general that's how it works. If you marry this woman your daughters will eventually be around those boys without you standing there supervising, though. So it's just something additional to think about.