lenny Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 When my guy is upset with me he runs and hides, almost ignores me until he's totally over it, then comes and talks about it. This process takes about two days. We currently spend about 6 nights and every evening together so two days with hardly a boo seems infinitely long. This has happened twice in our relationship so far. Now that I see the pattern it's getting a lilttle easier to not agonize and recognize he needs space to work it out. When I get upset with him, if I'm really mad I'll walk away to cool down (like an hour or two) but otherwise, I'll just sit on the issue and work it out internally for a couple days before discussing it, carrying on with life as normal. We are starting to talk about shacking up. We are so wonderful together in almost every way and I think we'll be super living together except for this one area. I've been a little hesitant to get too serious into the discussion because I'm kind of worried about this. Some concerns I have: a) Where would he go and hide if we shared the same pad? b) If he didn't get this cool off period (because of the shared space), how would our fights go?
Duckduckgoose Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 This is definitely something ya'll need to work out... I used to be like your bf when I got upset. I would withdraw completely and it would really bother my stbxH. He might have thought it was a mind game when it wasn't, I was just upset and needed to cool off. I talked to my counselor about just this kind of thing and it can be known as the "silent treatment" which really kills a person's feelings for you. Ya'll need to set boundaries on how conflict will be handled. Talk to a 3rd party before a conflict arises to figure out how to do it correctly. Some things you DON'T want to do, that I did and probably contributed to losing my marriage was: Withdrawing completely Ignoring him competely Not giving affections Being cold for a little while after we resolved the issue again I feel guilty all over again for doing these things but I didn't do them with intent of being manipulative I was just upset and didn't want to lash out at him so I completely withdrew. Some things you might want to incorporate into problem solving are: Writing a letter about what is upsetting you, if talking about it gets you riled up Don't withdraw affections or ignore them Get away from them for a few hours, to a place where you can clear your head and think about things. But put a time limit on it. Make sure each other knows what the time limit is. Tell them you are upset with them and why, but that you still love them and just need some time to think why you are angry so you can work it out. I am not a master of problem solving, and I am waiting patiently for when I start a new relationship to put these to good use. I get a sinking pit in my stomach to think how I handled problems so bad in my marriage I feel bad all over again. I hope my stbxH can forgive me for not being perfect though I will be better at it the next time around however, and hopefully share my mistakes so someone else doesn't make them.
glimmer Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 When my guy is upset with me he runs and hides, almost ignores me until he's totally over it, then comes and talks about it. This process takes about two days. We currently spend about 6 nights and every evening together so two days with hardly a boo seems infinitely long. This has happened twice in our relationship so far. Now that I see the pattern it's getting a lilttle easier to not agonize and recognize he needs space to work it out. When I get upset with him, if I'm really mad I'll walk away to cool down (like an hour or two) but otherwise, I'll just sit on the issue and work it out internally for a couple days before discussing it, carrying on with life as normal. We are starting to talk about shacking up. We are so wonderful together in almost every way and I think we'll be super living together except for this one area. I've been a little hesitant to get too serious into the discussion because I'm kind of worried about this. Some concerns I have: a) Where would he go and hide if we shared the same pad? b) If he didn't get this cool off period (because of the shared space), how would our fights go? My (now ex) boyfriend was EXACTLY the same way and it tore me apart. The emotional destitute was excruciating when he'd leave for days and ignore me, thinking of only himself when it was both of us who needed to communicate to work something out. That selfishness points to emotional immaturity. His attitude held our relationship back for years. So, you are wise to ask these questions now as you assess how mature enough the relationship is to move in with one another. If you two are serious enough to be considering moving in with one another, I guess the suggestion of only spending a few nights per week together until he openly acknowledges, works on this issue of his and resolves it, is unrealistic. You say the silent treatment has only happened twice in your relationship... How long have you been together? After my (now ex) boyfriend and I were together for two years (and he improved remarkably) we moved in together. In the beginning, instead of him running off since he had no where to hide, the fights would turn into crazy yelling and even some verbal abuse. That lasted a couple months. But then suddenly one day everything became right. No fight would last more than 30 minutes, and either he or I would say something goofy and unexpected to lighten the mood. The bond is easily attained when you live together. At least that's how it panned out for me and him. It was pretty surprising that being FORCED to confront himself since he had no where to go, helped him mature in that regard. One size doesn't fit all though.
Author lenny Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 We've been together for 7+ months now. It's kind of a contradiction as he is an amazing communicator. I'm in awe of just how mature this relationship is in the way we interact with each other ... except this one thing. We do have disagreements and they are so rationally discussed and resolved - it's just when he gets seriously pi$$ed at me that he goes into hiding.
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