basilica Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 First of all I'd like to say hi to all of you I'm a new member. This post initially ended up a freaking novel but I've shortened it down several times so if anyone would like to read it and post some opinions or post anything at all I'd be grateful. Also know that english is not my main language but I try my best. So 2 years ago when I was 14 or 15 I met a girl who became my first many things. She was my first true friend. My first true love. It was like some god had granted me heaven on earth she's so beautiful and sexy and smells so sweet I didn't even think about it as first she made me feel like I could do anything. Those first few weeks were the best i've had and I remember everything we'd have sloppy sex on the living room floor and we'd stay in all week just holding hands and looking into eachothers eyes. Anyway when we'd been together for a couple months or a couple weeks I don't remember but my mom came home one night when I was alone and she tried to kill herself I hadn't noticed but she had taken up her drug habits she'd been sober for many years so I was in shock. I had to call an ambulance she just stuffed herself with any pill she could find. I never expected my ex to understand and she didn't I was crying a lot back then when this happened and I was feeling very fragile so whenever we got in a fight she would use this and she'd take up my mom and she'd kill me every time making insults and mean jokes about it. But I forgave her every time because I loved her so much. Then she started getting obsessive. Whenever I looked at another girl or talked to another girl she went insane and lashed out insults and said I wasn't being faithful but of course I was. It was all so dumb. We were together for almost exacly one year then I had enough and I'd been contemplating the breakup for a long time before I did it. I called her up one day when she was away and I told her I'm breaking up with you. I remember that conversation word by word and I wish I didn't it hurts so much I wish I'd done it in person I wanted to hold her and tell her it was going to be ok but I couldn't and it wasnt going to be ok we both agreed on that when she came and got her stuff a few days later. We hugged and then that was that. Then one year went by and I don't remember any of it. Another year went by. I had to think really hard about how long it's been but I think it's been more or less 2 years and I don't remember. I've met other girls but only because I've been so damn lonely. No one mattered. So I ended up adding my ex on facebook about six months ago because I knew she hadn't met anyone new either and that made me feel good. So we'd talk a bit like hey how are you i'm fine and you I'm good I kind of miss you I miss you too. About a week ago I asked her if she wanted to hang out and have some coffee or whatever just as friends. I know what the hell was I thinking. Well I was thinking I wanted her back. And she said yes so I thought she did too I didn't realize maybe she ACTUALLY wanted to hang out as friends. I was all caught up in the heat of the moment I was so happy it was finally happening. So I picked her up at the station sunday and we went home to my place and sat down on the sofa we were laughing and talking about all there was to talk about then I closed in and kissed her. I kissed her again and we went into my room then there were clothes on the floor. Afterwards we just lay there and she's got her head on my shoulder like the good old days and we had a good laugh about us hanging out ''as friends'' yeah right this isn't exacly friends now is it I said. She said maybe we're friends with benefits. I don't know if she was being serious but I snapped and said no we're not. Because **** that. I couldn't say it straight out that I wanted her my tongue was hard to find and then she just got up and had a smoke then she left a friend picked her up. I got a good bye kiss but it didn't feel the same as the other ones did. She wouldn't answer my texts that night. I didn't dare to call her. When I talked to her one day later on msn I asked what she was doing and she was waiting for a guy to come by I know who it is he's like 3 or 4 years older than me and yeah he's pretty tough competition in general. This made me confused because if she was over me and if she was seeing other guys why did she sleep with my a few days ago? She's not like that, not the sex craving kind. And she could have anyone so why would she do it with me if it didn't mean anything. I told her everything in a text that night when she was still with that guy doing whatever they were doing I don't want to know but I told her. I told her many things but this is already a long enough post so I'll narrow it down I told her I wanted to try again and that I still loved her. I said I wanted to ask her on a date for the rest of her life. She said she didnt know she didnt know what she wanted she had to ask herself so I would give her some time and she would think about it. That was 2 days ago today I asked her again and she said she didn't think there was any point to waiting for it she shouldnt have to force feelings to appear and I agree. She said she had fought so hard to be over me and she finally felt like she was over me now and she said if there were any feelings left they would have appeared sunday. Again, I agree. But I still love her. I cried like never before. I don't know what to do now. I really can't express my pain in words. Whenever I think back on my life all I see is her. I took her off my facebook and msn and everything but I didn't want to. I don't want it to end like this because I really feel she's the one. I will end up calling her tonight in tears and she won't know what to say. I keep thinking maybe I could have done or said things differently to make her consider a second go with me. At least I don't have to see her I'm thankful for that we don't live in the same town. And that's pretty much it. This sucks. Does anyone have similar experiences and advice for me or just anything at all to say I'd like some sympathy or anything, I have no friends to talk to about this. Thanks.
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