makelemonade1974 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Did any of you have mutual friends that were a little too involved in things that went down between you and your ex? Perhaps even contributed to the breakup in some way? How did you deal with this? I had a girl who was very close to me and my ex. In trying to make my own "closure," I've found that I really needed to confront her, so I've sent her an email this morning (we'll see if I get a response). She basically stopped being my friend quite clearly the day after I was dumped. She "uninvited" me to a party that weekend because my ex would be there. She organized most of the social events in our group of friends and pretty much stopped inviting me to things. I also found out (through another friend who also had this knowledge) that she knew in advance he was going to dump me. In spite of this, we regularly confided in each other and she gave me all sorts of relationship advice in the days leading up to the breakup. A lot of the arguments between my ex and I, including one huge blow out about a week before the breakup, were about his "inappropriate" late-night drinking binges with her. They would go out to talk about "work" and stay out until three in the morning getting completely wasted. She is married and apparently her husband doesn't mind her doing such things. I minded because not only was I not invited, but he wouldn't tell me when he had plans with her. I kind of feel like it was an "emotional affair," because for some reason I could never measure up to this girl in his eyes. Has anyone dealt with anything like this? It's taken me 5 months to confront her, and I still don't even know if she'll respond. She is still very close to my ex (so I hear) and I feel like she's sort of taken my place emotionally (although perhaps not physically, as she's married). Do you feel like any of your friends got in the middle of things inappropriately?
turokturok5 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 i know that my ex's friends had something to do with the break-up. She was having second thoughs, one friend was telling her to go with it and see what happens, another friend was telling her it wasnt meant to be. When she did end it, i went to the friend who told her it wasnt meant to be for support (shes a bit of a control freak, like the "queen bee" of the group) and she pretty much told me everything my girlfriend said. Odd now though, this friend of hers talks to me heaps now, but we're completely different, im kind of scared
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Yeah, this one's kind of the "queen bee" too - drama drama. Sounds like this other girl wants you. I wonder if people actually labor to break people up for whatever reason - like if they want to date them or they don't like the girlfriend / boyfriend or feel threatened. It just seems like pure evil to me.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 If the girl is married and going out on late night drinking binges ALONE with a guy, there are other issues there with that chick. Good riddance to both I say. I wonder what the husband thinks about all this mess?
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Yeah, me too. They are both artists and have this big thing where they "value each other's independence" and stuff - or at least that's what they've told me. The thing is, I honestly don't think she sleeps with other men, it's just that most of her friends are men and she always seems to have loyalties to them over her female friends. She kind of makes women nervous I think - she's pretty (looks a lot like Depplover actually lol), super put-together and very successful professionally. She also has this huge gorgeous house where she throws parties all the time. Yeah, I'm jealous, but I know at least I'm a nicer person. I don't think it's an "open relationship," but because I've heard the "independence" spiel, I haven't said anything to him about the role I think she played in the breakup. I'll let you guys know what she says (if she responds) to the email. I tried to be nice, but she may just be insulted and blow me off.
poorguy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 This is interesting. I have been through this 3 times in 3 different LTR's. It was almost always someone else getting right in the middle of our relationship and really screwing it up. I got to a point where I would have just prefered to argue directly with the Queen Bee's in these situations because everything was just going to get ran up the ladder to them anyway. Then they would twist things and things would get really screwed up. It's not like I would have ever wanted to get involved in their relationship arguments with their SO's-I could care less what they had going on!!!! I did think though that this was more of a girl thing though Lemonade. Your ex is such a tool though I will tell you that!!! Granted in all fairness everything is your side of the story not his too!!! Howver you do always seem so honest and sincere that I'm on your side still lol Yeah people need to mind their own frickin business!!!! Unless of course there was some sort of abouse or something like that- then involve as many people as you can
kaygato Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Yeah in my case it wasn't mutual friends, but my ex's friends. We were in a semi-ldr though so it's not like there was much I could do about it. I admit we did need to break up the first time around and I'm not mad at his friends for being on his side about that. I am mad though that when we got back together around x-mas that they were so unsupportive. I don't know exactly what went down, and my ex says it was his decision to break up with me again, but I do know from what he said they didn't approve of us getting back together and probably had a hand in urging him to see others. As soon as we got back to school he stopped being interested in our relationship. I am mad that he listened to them above all others, but they are his closest friends so there wasn't much I could do. Oh well, I'm almost to the point where I'm over it thankfully.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 This is interesting. I have been through this 3 times in 3 different LTR's. It was almost always someone else getting right in the middle of our relationship and really screwing it up. I got to a point where I would have just prefered to argue directly with the Queen Bee's in these situations because everything was just going to get ran up the ladder to them anyway. Then they would twist things and things would get really screwed up. It's not like I would have ever wanted to get involved in their relationship arguments with their SO's-I could care less what they had going on!!!! I did think though that this was more of a girl thing though Lemonade. Your ex is such a tool though I will tell you that!!! Granted in all fairness everything is your side of the story not his too!!! Howver you do always seem so honest and sincere that I'm on your side still lol Yeah people need to mind their own frickin business!!!! Unless of course there was some sort of abouse or something like that- then involve as many people as you can Yeah, I wonder how my ex would tell the story hmmmm I really don't know why other people want to get involved in your relationships. It's interesting that you bring up the whole "their are two sides to every story" bit because there ARE. Only the two people in the relationship know what goes down and that's how it should be. MY ex has such totally different public / private faces that I have pretty much come out the villain (along w/ the fact that queen bee of all social events is on his side of the fence). I just don't get it - it's pure evil to ruin someone else's love affair just for the heck of it - or maybe so you get to hang out with them more often lol.
GreenPolicy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) makelemonade1974, I wouldn't confront her at all, but that's just me. You don't want to give your ex and this friend of his the satisfaction of seeing how much you have hurt over this. You and I are kind of in the same boat, but for different reasons. Your ex is a selfish narcissist who treated you poorly. My ex is a commitment-phobe who responded enthusiastically to marriage plans...and then blindsided me when breaking up, without ever expressing any dissatisfaction with me or the r/l. She handled things in a selfish, cowardly and immature fashion. Both of our exes have demonstrated traits that should remove any desire on our part to be with them. But of course our hearts are having trouble letting go of the good times when things were amazing with them. The truth is that until we really let go of our exes, we are going to have trouble connecting with other people. Meeting people is not hard. I've been on dates with five different women I've met off OKCupid and all of them were interested in seeing me again after the first date. Even though I don't have my mojo back 100 percent, I still "got it" so to speak. But I haven't been able to really get excited about any of those women. When we let go of our exes, we let go of their power to control our thoughts, feelings and actions. By not confronting this woman, you project an air of indifference and take back your power. In the case of my ex, although I could have read her the riot act for how she handled the breakup, I decided to instead just play it cool and not react angrily, nor beg and plead with her to take me back. I didn't want to do anything that would reinforce her decision to end things, hold a grudge against me, or relieve whatever guilt she may have had for dumping me. Being the bigger person is not being a doormat. It's the ultimate Eff You. Letting go is partly accomplished through the passage of time, but we can speed that process up by what we do with that time. Edited February 24, 2011 by GreenPolicy
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Thanks Green - I always like to hear a guy's perspective. It's a little late because the email was sent this morning. It was very polite - we were good friends (i thought) and we had a "Happy Thanksgiving" exchange back in November. I've seen her at work and she said hello and then hauled a** lol. I wasn't rude in the email, just called her out on a few things and asked her "why"? I'm curious to see what her defense might be. It's tough because I kind of care about her - or did - as a friend. She's hard not to like, very charismatic. I would love to walk away a manly stoic like you Green, but I was mind-f**ked seriously and I need some closure. I need to know wtf happened to me so I can move on. Trust me, I would LOVE to have all of this out of my head. I'm the same way with dating - there's men knocking at the door, so to speak, but I'm just not home right now. And I'm doing this on the advice of another mutual friend who said to me "if you feel ostracized by this group, then fix it." I'm fixing.
GreenPolicy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Thanks Green - I always like to hear a guy's perspective. It's a little late because the email was sent this morning. It was very polite - we were good friends (i thought) and we had a "Happy Thanksgiving" exchange back in November. I've seen her at work and she said hello and then hauled a** lol. I wasn't rude in the email, just called her out on a few things and asked her "why"? I'm curious to see what her defense might be. It's tough because I kind of care about her - or did - as a friend. She's hard not to like, very charismatic. I would love to walk away a manly stoic like you Green, but I was mind-f**ked seriously and I need some closure. I need to know wtf happened to me so I can move on. Trust me, I would LOVE to have all of this out of my head. I'm the same way with dating - there's men knocking at the door, so to speak, but I'm just not home right now. And I'm doing this on the advice of another mutual friend who said to me "if you feel ostracized by this group, then fix it." I'm fixing. My breakup was a huge mindf*ck as well. It is VERY hard to wrap your head around the idea that somebody loved you so much that they felt they had to break up with you. That's so ass-backwards. But that's how it is with commitment-phobes. Those relationships don't end when things deteriorate. They end at the height of attachment and bonding. It's like a movie abruptly ending 2/3s the way through. Closure is something you have to gain on your own. When you are dealing with emotionally damaged people, you have to realize that you cannot gain understanding in the conventional sense. Analyzing the situation won't resolve anything, because you are trying to understand your situation from your POV as a normal, emotionally healthy individual, and that status doesn't apply to your ex. It doesn't help with the grieving process, but don't let this person take anything more from you other than the desire to end his participation in your relationship you had. Don't let him take your smile or your ability to live life fully in the present.
GreenPolicy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Also, even though I'm handling things the "right way" I suppose, I'm still in a lot of pain and I still do ask myself why and how could she? People keep telling me I dodged a bullet and saved myself future pain with a person who is not good marriage material, and I know they're right. But the heart has to learn to accept that, and that just takes time.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Lol, funny we are talking about the heart vs. the head, because as we speak I'm writing a paper on personifications of Reason in medieval allegory. I think the universe is trying to tell me something. People keep saying this "closure is something you have to gain on your own" but for some reason it's just not happening. Maybe I'm supposed to just sit back and it will show up at my doorstep one of these days. My way is to sort of over-analyze everything - to make sense of it -I guess to try and get control where there is none. Maybe that's the key - letting go of control. It is totally heart vs. head because although I know my ex is an utter pric*, I want him back so bad. I love him so much. And that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I think part of why I'm contacting this girl and attempting to patch things up (or at least get closure for that particular situation) with her is because I know she has this power over him. Argghhh I just can't keep myself from wanting him back - and thinking I can GET him back. I mean, I really believe I can - that's what's so messed up. The answer is - there is no answer. Learning to let go and let karma work it out I guess - that's the answer.
poorguy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Lemonade i agree with Green 100% on this one. I know you want closure. I think your biggest single distraction is that you don't have it and it's driving you to distraction as a result. You don't truly understand what the hell just happened (most of us don't) and that's why it bothers you and anyone else for that matter. Think about it for a second-what bothers anyone? The only things that bother anyone are things they don't/can't understand which is why people seek closure so much. No more emails though sweetie to anyone!!! Sorry I didn't mean to get off the thread topic because this was a good question in general and something that's always bothered me because I don't understand it
GreenPolicy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Lol, funny we are talking about the heart vs. the head, because as we speak I'm writing a paper on personifications of Reason in medieval allegory. I think the universe is trying to tell me something. People keep saying this "closure is something you have to gain on your own" but for some reason it's just not happening. Maybe I'm supposed to just sit back and it will show up at my doorstep one of these days. My way is to sort of over-analyze everything - to make sense of it -I guess to try and get control where there is none. Maybe that's the key - letting go of control. It is totally heart vs. head because although I know my ex is an utter pric*, I want him back so bad. I love him so much. And that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I think part of why I'm contacting this girl and attempting to patch things up (or at least get closure for that particular situation) with her is because I know she has this power over him. Argghhh I just can't keep myself from wanting him back - and thinking I can GET him back. I mean, I really believe I can - that's what's so messed up. The answer is - there is no answer. Learning to let go and let karma work it out I guess - that's the answer. Why would you want him back? The same sh*t would happen again. I think you're pining for what you had with him, and the clock runs forward, not backwards. I miss my ex so much, but things wouldn't be the same if I got her back. Read this: http://lovesagame.com/download_report
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Thanks Green - looks like an awesome read (that I should read every morning with my breakfast cereal lol). PoorGuy - I do have this problem with "over-communication" otherwise known as "vomit fingers." So yes, NO MORE EMAILS to anyone da*mnit! I needed to hear that. Thanks.
poorguy Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Exactly!!! The emails aren't going to magically make you feel better because they will provide you with nothing but misery!!!! NO MORE
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Why would you want him back? The same sh*t would happen again. I think you're pining for what you had with him, and the clock runs forward, not backwards. I miss my ex so much, but things wouldn't be the same if I got her back. Read this: http://lovesagame.com/download_report Green - you need to start a thread and post this link. I'm letting go. Starting right now.
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