Should I wait?

[Wondering75]

Ok Ill try and be brief as I can....were both mid 30's no kids never married...her out of 10yr relationship we met 6 months later....me several failed relationships in which each time the girl left one cheated the other wanted to move back towards her home town....So anyways....we meet at a wedding about a year and a 1/2 ago....we start hanging out of course at first just friends didnt even kiss for 3 months....during that time she was nervous about getting involved with me she kinda did the go away come here....but her getting out a 10yr relationship with someone who was basically mean to her I understood......the first big issue that came up was her best girlfriend who I went to highschool with but not really close with (were all from the same town)....she controlled my girl and of course that started to get in between us...here girlfriend wanted her to go out all the time which she did and even if I was going to meet her out it was based on what her girlfriend wanted her to do...so over time she finally has enough with the girlfriend of course many arugements over this girl and her going out....so things calm down she moves in my house 6 months after we meet.During this time I got comfortable and I also got controlling.....So she felt as if she couldnt be herself and I wasnt making as much effort as I use to in the begging of the relationship.....(during this time we also went on a few trips and out as much as we could....just didnt want you think Im this prick just laying on the couch)....so time goes on but I do get worse with her going out with her girlfriends and this begins to lead to our "break" she finally cant take in anymore and moves out.....so we still talk for a month have an amazing Valentines Day...we were going to hangout the next weekend....but one night during the week we went out with some of my friends and we got into a fight...I think basicaly she was bitter about her having to move out of the house and all this to happend in order for me to start to change....that passes and friday night comes and she is going to go out to dinner with a girlfriend....and what do I do!? you got it get upset about nothing to the point were she is pissed.....so we txt the next day cause she's so pissed we cant even talk on the phone ...then I start to get pissed tell her to just mail me my keys...this upset her but she says fine.......then I after I calm done send her txt saying Im sorry and Im going to let her go have time to herself and she can txt me when she's rdy to start talking again...she txt me back saying thank you and she's doing this to be her for her and no one else...plus she's bitter and she doesnt like feeling that way....and she wants nothing to do with dating other guys....so 5 days later Im on here... I have no intentions of contacting her atleast for a few weeks...Of course I cant put all of the relationship in here....I just wonder if ppl think there a chance we will be able to move fwd esp if I learned to relax.....Of course there are things she could have done differntly to but this is the main source of our issue...So basically she feels she lost who she was and by giving her a hard time doing things I didn't help her with that....So far she has not sent the keys to me......thanks for the feed back

[Graceful]

Ok, Wondering. I have to be straight with you and give you a dope slap. Hope that's ok.

 

There is too much drama in this relationship, waaay too much for a couple of people who are in their mid-30's. There is either a lack of maturity, a lack of compatibility, lack of communication, and total lack of shared goals, values and planning for this to proceed to a healthy, functioning relationship on its own. And I am not sure the two of you even belong together, especially now.

 

You meet her after a 10-year disastrous relationship, a mere six months later, so she's had no time to really resolve what happened, heal or figure out who she is and what she wants. Red flag.

 

She jumps right into a relationship with you, and worse, moves in with you six months after you meet. Red flag.

 

I mean, you don't move in with someone at that age without giving it a lot of serious thought. Were you in love at that point? Or was this just an extension of dating, to make things more convenient?

 

the first big issue that came up was her best girlfriend who I went to highschool with but not really close with (were all from the same town)....she controlled my girl and of course that started to get in between us.

Red flag. This is very immature. What kind of friend does this? Your friends should support you, not put you at odds, so unless the friend was advising her to stay away from you, your GF should have just told her "friend" that she needed to make peace with the situation and support her. Why she didn't do that, I can't say, but it's another RED FLAG.

 

So she felt as if she couldnt be herself and I wasnt making as much effort as I use to in the begging of the relationship.....(during this time we also went on a few trips and out as much as we could....just didnt want you think Im this prick just laying on the couch)..

I don't care how many vacations or dinners or presents or whatevers you bought or gave or did, the bottom line is why did you move in together?? Sounds like you had no idea. I have no idea either.

..so time goes on but I do get worse with her going out with her girlfriends and this begins to lead to our "break" she finally cant take in anymore and moves out.....so we still talk for a month have an amazing Valentines Day...we were going to hangout the next weekend....but one night during the week we went out with some of my friends and we got into a fight...I think basicaly she was bitter about her having to move out of the house and all this to happend in order for me to start to change...

Done and done, right here. She wants a "break'. She moves out. You still talk to her for a month. You get together and pretend all's well on Valentine's Day. You proceed to argue again.

 

She's bitter beause she moved out ... when she was the one who asked for a break? Cheesh, this is wearing me out and I'm not even the one in this relationship. And you're supposed to "start to change" because of all this, really? And what does that even mean? Do you even know?

 

then I start to get pissed tell her to just mail me my keys...this upset her but she says fine.......then I after I calm done send her txt saying Im sorry and Im going to let her go have time to herself and she can txt me when she's rdy to start talking again...she txt me back saying thank you and she's doing this to be her for her and no one else...plus she's bitter and she doesnt like feeling that way....and she wants nothing to do with dating other guys....

More drama, more unresolved issues, nothing gets accomplished, you're not talking, you're still playing games, you're both still acting like individuals and not a couple, and you're both acting like selfish individuals at that.

 

There is nothing caring, loving or affectionate going on. There is arguing, fighting, accusations, push-pull tactics, no goals, no plans, no communication, no .... well, not much of anything other than high flying emotions that don't amount to anything but hurt feelings and detachment.

 

I have no intentions of contacting her at least for a few weeks...Of course I cant put all of the relationship in here....I just wonder if ppl think there a chance we will be able to move fwd esp if I learned to relax.....Of course there are things she could have done differntly to but this is the main source of our issue...So basically she feels she lost who she was and by giving her a hard time doing things I didn't help her with that....So far she has not sent the keys to me......thanks for the feed back

To be specific, I don't have much hope for this relationship. Good for you, stay in NC and while you're at it, get some support. You need to figure out why you're being so controlling, and/or, if her immaturity and "come here / go away" indecisiveness just plays on you and makes what is already a problem worse. If you have a history of being insecure or jealous, you need to look at that. Either way, she does not sound like someone who is ready for a relationship at all, and she certainly does not have a compatible personality for you. You're just going to keep repeating this pattern if you get back with her, I can absolutely promise you that, with no hesitation, so if you get back with her, I will expect to see you on this board shortly thereafter, except with more pain and a lot of anger.

 

At your age, what do you want? Marriage? Children? Or LTR is just enough for you? What do you want in your future? How is the career going? What are your values and goals? You should not be flailing. Don't move in with someone for the "hell of it" ever again unless you know why you are with that person. You're not just "dating" after you move in, there needs to be commitment to build and grow and evolve. You don't have that, and she doesn't sound like she has a heck of a lot to give because she is still back tracking on the pain and loss from her 10-year fiasco. Two wrongs don't make a right, but it's almost as though she is baiting you because she is so used to being in a bad relationship and doesn't know how to be in a good one. Not that you do, either, but you see what I mean.

 

Stay NC. Get the keys back. Get support. Done and done. That's the unvarnished truth. Sorry. Don't mean to be harsh, but someone needs to tell you this, and it might as well be me. Hope this helps. Take care.

[Wondering75]

Thank you for your honest opion....you bring up some good points I ardy know and of course hate to admit to myself...and to answer a few of your question.....we moved in together because we both loved each other very much....we hating being apart and she worked to jobs and I work and go the gym.....so we had pretty much just the weekend to hangour...we thought moving in together would have been a good thing for us.....the goal was after sometime we would get engaged.....but I must admit I did get comfrotalbe with her there and a little controlling but on at the same time I it was tough because it didnt seem she wanted the same things as me down the road which could of lead to the way I was......As for her friend as I said as time one on she couldnt take it anymore and is no longer friends with that girl.....so your right our pasts and the the push pull from the begging of this relationship did some damage to us....I do believe we both still love each alot....but more on her end there are issue's so I quess the question then becomes...how long do I wait when I know it could be along time until she's stable

[Wondering75]

O and Im an idiot she moved in a year after we met....

[Graceful]

Thank you for taking my opinion the way it was intended, to help you and to encourage you to examine your relationship fully before you do anything, especially something you will regret.

....we moved in together because we both loved each other very much....we hating being apart and she worked to jobs and I work and go the gym.....so we had pretty much just the weekend to hangour...we thought moving in together would have been a good thing for us.....the goal was after sometime we would get engaged

To me, this is just an extension of dating, and she moved in for convenience. The way you should proceed to move in with someone at your age needs to have a real plan to ensure that you are working toward something mutual and shared. All you were doing was plodding along and didn't act as though you had a commitment at all.

 

Additionally, and I am sorry to use these tired words, but she has more baggage than an entire luggage department.

 

She just got out of a 10 year train wreck relationship. This is not someone you get involved with and move in with, this is someone you have to assume has a lot to sort out. It's as though she is afraid to be alone, does not know who she is, and there she is in a new relationship while she should be working on resolving her issues.

 

Yes, I realize she did dismiss the "friend" who was not supportive, but here again, this seems like a high school tactic, not something you should need to do when you are well into your thirties.

....so your right our pasts and the the push pull from the begging of this relationship did some damage to us....I do believe we both still love each alot....but more on her end there are issue's

So how deep is the love? I do not think of all love as the same thing. There is love that leads to deep commitment. There is love that's just enough to date and have fun. There is love that is "for now" but is not forever. Don't delude yourself that you love each other enough to have a future, as the way it looks now, the biggest mistake you can make is plan a future with someone who is clearly as confused as she is, and you also sound like you do not have any sense at all about what you want and what you even expect out of a long term commitment. All you two do is argue, break up and then pretend that everything is okay for a day or two before the next blow up. Now does that sound like something to look forward to?

so I quess the question then becomes...how long do I wait when I know it could be along time until she's stable

You both have issues and as far as I am concerned, you are not even compatible. If she gets support and gets counseling, hopefully she will explore what made her stay in a bad relationship for 10 years and what she expects, wants, and deserves now. You also need to get some insight into your anger and control issues. This just isn't healthy, and as sure as I am sitting here, if you get back with her and pretend that "love" is enough, you will find out the hard way that it isn't. Give her time and space to get herself together. She's not ready for a long term commitment from you or anyone and do not let her latch onto you because she is afraid to be alone. I wish you the best. Take care.