Why do women assume a guy is NOT interested?

[irc333]

...OR, assume it's NOT a date?

 

I had a sitaution, a while back, where I picked up this store manager of a bookstore. She barely knew me, only talked a couple of times, it was bookstore in a mall.

 

I asked her if she went on her lunch break, we could get lunch at the cafe court. We got lunch, but we went dutch (she paid her own).

 

We sit down to talk to get to know each other further, and then she mentioned her boyfriend in conversation, "blah blah blah blah, me and my boyfriend, blah blah blah blah"

 

And that's all I heard, lol

 

I said to her, "So, um....what would your boyfriend think if you went to have lunch with a man you just met at a bookstore?"

 

And she said, "Well, there's nothing wrong with joining someone for lunch, right?"

 

And I said, "well, you're involved with someone, if I was your boyfriend, I sure wouldn't want you spending time with some guy that picked you up at a bookstore."

 

Needless to say, I planned on not seeing her again.

 

But I wonder, I have been having success at getting women's numbers, and arranging dates....but I'm wondering if THEY think it's a date.

 

I had a situaiton where a woman had to call me BACK after I asked her out and asked me:

 

"Hey, I just wanted to ask you, did you want to go out as friends or as a date?"

 

ANd I said, "Um...a date, of course"

 

And she said, "Um.....yeah, sorry, but no."

 

Ouch.

 

Should one PHRASE their wording, "Hey, want to go out on a date with me?" or "Shall I take you out to dinner this Sat night?"

 

Is it the way you phrase your words when asking out a woman. I usually use the words "get together".

 

I think people don't use the word "date" in a sentence, because it scares off women, I had a male friend that got "dates" with women, without calling it a date, helps alleivate the pressure off the woman.

 

Apparently, it started off as a friendship, then all of a sudden they were dating.

 

I'd like more input from the women though on this one.

[jane100]

There's no straightforward answer is there?

 

1. She could have a boyfriend but be scanning for something better . Although I doubt she would mention him that much if that was the case.

 

2. She could be so happy with her boyfriend that she's in love with the world and wants to share herself.

 

3. She is lonely (even with a boyfriend). She is bored.

 

4. She is a networker who loves socialising.

 

I guess you have to go for it, then play it by ear! If a man I was chatting to starting going on about his girlfriend, I might enjoy the conversation generally but unless I was getting a major vibe, I would just think, "now what else did I have to do today"!

Edited February 24, 2011 by jane100

[welikeincrowds]

That's annoying, I agree. To prevent this I ask if she's seeing anyone, or seeing people right now, or something like that. It's still "putting her on the spot" in a way, so I only ask when I'm ready to hear the answer.

 

Personally, I don't worry about being intimidating simply by asking someone out. If someone is that timid about it (or that uninterested, or that unavailable, or whatever) then I don't want to date them.

[GivenUp0083]

...OR, assume it's NOT a date?

 

I had a sitaution, a while back, where I picked up this store manager of a bookstore. She barely knew me, only talked a couple of times, it was bookstore in a mall.

 

I asked her if she went on her lunch break, we could get lunch at the cafe court. We got lunch, but we went dutch (she paid her own).

 

We sit down to talk to get to know each other further, and then she mentioned her boyfriend in conversation, "blah blah blah blah, me and my boyfriend, blah blah blah blah"

 

And that's all I heard, lol

 

I said to her, "So, um....what would your boyfriend think if you went to have lunch with a man you just met at a bookstore?"

 

And she said, "Well, there's nothing wrong with joining someone for lunch, right?"

 

And I said, "well, you're involved with someone, if I was your boyfriend, I sure wouldn't want you spending time with some guy that picked you up at a bookstore."

 

At least you have class.

 

Needless to say, I planned on not seeing her again.

 

But I wonder, I have been having success at getting women's numbers, and arranging dates....but I'm wondering if THEY think it's a date.

 

Well, if you feel like clarifying, you could always say to them when you get their number: I'd like to call you up and ask you out sometime. Or, say: Would you like to go on a date with me sometime?

 

I had a situaiton where a woman had to call me BACK after I asked her out and asked me:

 

"Hey, I just wanted to ask you, did you want to go out as friends or as a date?"

 

ANd I said, "Um...a date, of course"

 

And she said, "Um.....yeah, sorry, but no."

 

Yeah that sucks, but she did you a favor. She could've gone out with you, maybe multiple times, then told you later she just wants to be friends

 

Ouch.

 

Should one PHRASE their wording, "Hey, want to go out on a date with me?" or "Shall I take you out to dinner this Sat night?"

 

Those lines could work

 

Is it the way you phrase your words when asking out a woman. I usually use the words "get together".

 

That sounds a little like "friendly" get together.

 

I think people don't use the word "date" in a sentence, because it scares off women, I had a male friend that got "dates" with women, without calling it a date, helps alleivate the pressure off the woman.

 

If they're scared off then fine. Who cares. Be up front. Say date in a sentence and if a stupid word like "date" scares them then wave her goodbye and wish her luck with her life. The goal is to find out if there's interest, and if there isn't then it's not a loss, it's somewhat of a gain because you found out early.

 

Apparently, it started off as a friendship, then all of a sudden they were dating.

 

That's one approach you can take, but you're not in college anymore where you just hang out with groups of people every day or every weekend and if a cute girl is in that group you can just be friends for a while until you inevitably hook up and start dating.

 

I think the direct approach is your best bet at your age. Some women like a guy who is confident and knows what he wants, so don't be afraid to show that you're looking to date them.

 

I'd like more input from the women though on this one.

 

You can want more input from women, but here's the problem with female advice given to males: It's from a female perspective, which she can't understand your perspective because you're different. It's like going to a business meeting in China and asking a French translator for help. Every woman is different so they'll all give you different advice and tell you what is creepy/good/bad/she likes. But that's WAY different from woman to woman. Just do what you think is right. There's no RIGHT way to do this or special perfect way to find someone, just do what you're comfortable with and be open minded.

[radiodarcy]

not to start a gender war but i was in a situation when a guy i liked asked me out to a movie. i accepted, he picked me up drove us to the theater and waiting for us was his ex-girlfriend (who apparently he still wasn't over) - - he had called and invited her to meet us there. when i asked him about it he said "i just asked you to the movie as a friend - - that's all". so much for that

 

i had another situation where a guy i worked with asked me out every weekend for two months straight (physical stuff included) then all of a sudden dropped off the map. when i asked him what was up he told me i was sorely mistaken if i thought this was a gf/bf thing - - it was just two people hanging out.

 

this is why i never assume anything. i would probably refrain from accepting a lunch invite if i was in a relationship with someone. but that's just me - - wouldn't want to send mixed signals to the other guy or start drama with my SO.

Edited February 24, 2011 by radiodarcy

[irc333]

Right, I also call this a "communication breakdown"

 

Though, I sometimes think it should not have to be communicated if someone asks you out that it should be known that it IS a date by the other part

 

I feel they're "playing dumb" for some reason

 

 

not to start a gender war but i was in a situation when a guy i liked asked me out to a movie. i accepted, he picked me up drove us to the theater and waiting for us was his ex-girlfriend (who apparently he still wasn't over) - - he had called and invited her to meet us there. when i asked him about it he said "i just asked you to the movie as a friend - - that's all". so much for that

 

i had another situation where a guy i worked with asked me out every weekend for two months straight (physical stuff included) then all of a sudden dropped off the map. when i asked him what was up he told me i was sorely mistaken if i thought this was a gf/bf thing - - it was just two people hanging out.

 

this is why i never assume anything. i would probably refrain from accepting a lunch invite if i was in a relationship with someone. but that's just me - - wouldn't want to send mixed signals to the other guy or start drama with my SO.

[Mrlonelyone]

It's like Jane said. All of those possibilities are there.

 

She has a boyfriend but is looking for something better.

 

She has a boyfriend but is never the less lonely...which could lead to the first possibility.

 

Allot of guys give up when a woman mentions a boyfriend. I don't. It's not like she mentioned being engaged or married. Lets not forget even married people have affairs and cheat.

 

Let me tell you a short story:

 

Earlier this week I was in the computer lab at my university and observed a conversation between two undergrads a girl and a guy. The guy was chatting up the girl, making her laugh, really scoring points.

 

The girl was chatting back, showing all the physical flirting signs. Then she mentions how it's creepy that her boyfriend and her father have the same birthday. They both have a laugh at the boyfriends expense. She then says "maybe I should have to break up with him." :-|

 

The guy however by the time she says that starts to back off. The woman as much as suggested breaking up with her boyfriend and is flirting with him yet he backs off.

 

The moral of the story is a woman who has a boyfriend but is still talking to you and hasn't friend zoned you is probably open to something more than friendship.

Edited February 24, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[january2011]

In my experience, sometimes it's not clear that it's a date because the romantic intentions of the people involved aren't made clear.

[somedude81]

The moral of the story is a woman who has a boyfriend but is still talking to you and hasn't friend zoned you is probably open to something more than friendship.

I think some guys don't like the idea of going after a girl who has a boyfriend. I wouldn't want a girl to cheat on on her BF with me, which also means that she might cheat on me.

 

In my experience, sometimes it's not clear that it's a date because the romantic intentions of the people involved aren't made clear.

That is the gender gap between men and women.

 

To a man, inviting out a woman is a sign of romantic intentions. But for some reason, women believe that men are looking for new friends.

 

Women would have a much less confusing time in life it they atomically assumed that any new guy they meet that invites her out, wants to date or sleep with her.

 

Every now and then there will be some oddboll situations that like what radiodarcy mentioned. But for the most part when a guy asks a girl out it's because he wants to be more than friends.

[Mrlonelyone]

Dude it's only cheating if they are exclusive.

 

Not all BF GF relationships have an understanding of exclusivity.

[january2011]

That is the gender gap between men and women.

 

To a man, inviting out a woman is a sign of romantic intentions. But for some reason, women believe that men are looking for new friends.

 

Women would have a much less confusing time in life it they atomically assumed that any new guy they meet that invites her out, wants to date or sleep with her.

 

Every now and then there will be some oddboll situations that like what radiodarcy mentioned. But for the most part when a guy asks a girl out it's because he wants to be more than friends.

 

That's interesting. I've been in a number of situations where it was just me and a bloke having lunch/dinner/drink/coffee and I was partnered up at the same time. The guy was either a business colleague or an old friend who was also partnered up. I've never seen any of these as dates.

[somedude81]

Dude it's only cheating if they are exclusive.

 

Not all BF GF relationships have an understanding of exclusivity.

I think most would. I certainty wouldn't want to find out later that they did.

 

Also most women use, "I have a boyfriend" as the universal rejection statement. That's why most guys back off when they hear it.

[Mrlonelyone]

I think most would. I certainty wouldn't want to find out later that they did.

 

Also most women use, "I have a boyfriend" as the universal rejection statement. That's why most guys back off when they hear it.

What about all those women who end up cheating on their husbands? If I have a husband isn't enough to stop adultery for some guys... then why should "I have a boyfriend" be enough to stop someone?

 

There are just some things that'll never make sense to me.

[somedude81]

That's interesting. I've been in a number of situations where it was just me and a bloke having lunch/dinner/drink/coffee and I was partnered up at the same time. The guy was either a business colleague or an old friend who was also partnered up. I've never seen any of these as dates.

That's why I said new guy. Somebody you just met. A strong exception to that are coworkers. It's probably safe to assume that he isn't interested unless you know otherwise.

 

But for every other situation, assume he wants something, and act accordingly.

What about all those women who end up cheating on their husbands? If I have a husband isn't enough to stop adultery for some guys... then why should "I have a boyfriend" be enough to stop someone?

And that's supposed to be better?

 

Though a think the married women that have the affairs might actually be the aggressors.

[january2011]

That's why I said new guy. Somebody you just met. A strong exception to that are coworkers. It's probably safe to assume that he isn't interested unless you know otherwise.

 

But for every other situation, assume he wants something, and act accordingly.

 

Indeed. That's what I've been doing all along - so no change there.

 

Carry on.

[TheBigQuestion]

People in this thread are endorsing messing around with people who have significant others or are married. For shame. Most couples by definition are exclusive.

 

Would anyone here seriously want to date a person who they basically "stole" or wooed away from another relationship, even if "cheating" didn't technically occur? How do you trust that this person won't be so easily taken away from you?

[GivenUp0083]

I think some guys don't like the idea of going after a girl who has a boyfriend. I wouldn't want a girl to cheat on on her BF with me, which also means that she might cheat on me.

 

 

That is the gender gap between men and women.

 

To a man, inviting out a woman is a sign of romantic intentions. But for some reason, women believe that men are looking for new friends.

 

Women would have a much less confusing time in life it they atomically assumed that any new guy they meet that invites her out, wants to date or sleep with her.

 

Every now and then there will be some oddboll situations that like what radiodarcy mentioned. But for the most part when a guy asks a girl out it's because he wants to be more than friends.

 

 

Wow I actually agree with you on something.

 

I can second this statement. To guys, have a woman friend is a liability and sometimes a major headache. In most cases the guy has to help her out with things and listen to her talk about her personal stuff without any real benefit in return. The only thing a guy would be looking for out of it is someone to do stuff with once a in while, use her to make other girls jealous, or if he's getting sex from her.

 

Other than those reasons, if a guy is asking you to do something it's for something more than friends. He mostly doesn't need or want any more "girl friends" than he already has.

[Mrlonelyone]

People in this thread are endorsing messing around with people who have significant others or are married. For shame. Most couples by definition are exclusive.

 

Would anyone here seriously want to date a person who they basically "stole" or wooed away from another relationship, even if "cheating" didn't technically occur? How do you trust that this person won't be so easily taken away from you?

Shame....

 

Listen dating BF GF that's all just for fun. There is no equivalence between that and marriage what so ever!

 

My point in bringing it up is this. After age 25 perfect emotional availability...with no one else on the radar just does not happen.

 

Another man being interested cannot be a deterent. It's like those natyre shows...the male rams but heads and try to win mating rights.

[Stung]

Wow, GivenUp, that's a pretty sad statement about your relationships with women.

 

I've had and do have male friends, and I know I'm no 'liability' to them. They talk to me about their personal issues in a way they unanimously say they can't talk to their guy friends, they ask me for advice about all kinds of interpersonal relationships including new girlfriends, coworkers and family. I go shopping with them when they want help picking out a special gift for someone, or to help them pick colors when they're painting a house. I spent a day helping one friend paint his house. I do free writing and editing for their websites, within reason (after a certain point I will charge a fee). I edited one male friend's grant request and helped him secure a year abroad, and I'm handling his mail and shipping items while he's gone. I helped another friend plan an awesome sci fi PR splash for his robotics company, just because I thought it sounded like fun. I used to babysit for my single dad friend before I introduced him to the girl who is currently his live-in gf. I have a lot more stories like this but I'm pretty sure you get the picture.

 

There's nothing particularly unusual about this kind of give-and-take from what I've seen in the circles I move in.

 

I've been caught unawares by 'dates' a few times before--not very often, but if you're open to friendships with both genders, it's going to happen that occasionally someone gets their wires crossed and intentions will be mismatched. I usually try to clarify things from the start because I'd rather be blunt and clear and then move on and have a laugh about it than have an awkward situation spiral out, well, awkwardly. I do tend to assume that men who cold- approach me are not looking for a platonic thing, but I have been surprised by lunch with coworkers that turned into an invitation for dinner or a weekend getaway, that kind of thing. It's happened to me with girls, too.

 

These days as I am trying to meet new people in my new town it helps a little that I have a wedding ring and usually have a small child with me, most people just assume I am not trying to get frisky with them if I just want to hang out with somebody new and have an adult conversation. There is always 'that guy,' though who thinks he's gonna score some illicit affair action

[Nexus One]

People in this thread are endorsing messing around with people who have significant others or are married. For shame. Most couples by definition are exclusive.

 

Would anyone here seriously want to date a person who they basically "stole" or wooed away from another relationship, even if "cheating" didn't technically occur? How do you trust that this person won't be so easily taken away from you?

 

Agreed. Sometimes on LS it gets to the point like I feel I'm reading posts from the twilight zone. A zone where the logic is all twisted and wicked. Where discussion based on argumentation breaks down and chaos reigns. http://tinyurl.com/286jczd

Edited February 24, 2011 by Nexus One

[threebyfate]

People in this thread are endorsing messing around with people who have significant others or are married. For shame. Most couples by definition are exclusive.

 

Would anyone here seriously want to date a person who they basically "stole" or wooed away from another relationship, even if "cheating" didn't technically occur? How do you trust that this person won't be so easily taken away from you?

Your statements are no-brainers but can't necessarily be applied to the entire population. Otherwise, why are there so many people who become OW/OMs or are more than happy to steal partners, believing it to be a validating experience of one's own "betterness" since they were selected. 'Tis a sad world we live in.

[fishtaco]

Wait wait wait... let me see... men and women communicate and think differently. WOW what a freaking surprise. Never heard that before.

 

That's just how it is.

 

It is our own responsibility to make sure the intentions are well communicated. We are all responsible for ourselves. Want to take a girl out to a date? Make sure it's a date. And that goes for both men and women. Never assume anything.

 

By default, people will play in the gray area. Because it offers them the most number of options. If you don't want the ambiguity, clear it up.

[Jannah]

I can't think of an instance during a time when I had a boyfriend, where I accepted an invitation by a member of the opposite sex, to go out together one-on-one.

 

It's a question of right versus wrong, what is appropriate versus what isn't, which in itself is subjective. For example, say you have been dating the same person for a few months, you've been physically intimate with each other, but no discussion of being exclusive. The man mentions he is going to a friend's party with a female friend, he was supposed to pick her up but instead meets her there. He mentions to the female he is dating, that his female friend was mad at him for not picking her up instead. You want to give the man the benefit of the doubt, and view it as platonic, and I suppose that is where trust comes in. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone where you are mistrustful towards these types of interactions.

 

Personally, I can be friends with a male and have no desire towards him in a romantic fashion. I can interact with him, hang out with him, and still have no romantic inclination towards him. I do tend to notice though, that when I was in a mutually exclusive committed relationship, I really didn't have a desire to have and/or maintain platonic friendships with other men. Whether or not that was "healthy" on my part, I am not sure. I guess that is something I need to further explore for myself having now thought about it....

[Banker Chick]

I think some of this goes back to the whole "Can men and women be friends" debate. I'm of the mindset that they can and my bf says "Nope, not possible" so I can see situations where there are innocent intentions and he says there's no way it could have been misconstrued

 

I suppose for the women you're asking out to have a better idea of your intentions, you could change your verbiage a little. Maybe something like "Hey, I've enjoyed talking to you and would love to take you to lunch or dinner sometime and get to know you better". Something that would give her a little better idea what you had in mind.

 

I think sometimes it's not so obvious to women. There was a time several years ago that I had a boyfriend and talked about him frequently in the office. One of my co-workers, quite a few years older than I was, asked me to go to lunch next door one day. It was a casual restaurant that several of us would go to for lunch. We went, had a nice lunch, and that was that. Later, one of my other coworkers told me he had considered it a date. I was honestly so surprised. I saw it as a just lunch with a coworker and he apparently viewed it as something different. The thing is, had he been more direct, and maybe me not be so naive, I would have told him upfront I was obviously not interested. I just didn't realize

[Stung]

Wait wait wait... let me see... men and women communicate and think differently. WOW what a freaking surprise. Never heard that before.

 

That's just how it is.

 

It is our own responsibility to make sure the intentions are well communicated. We are all responsible for ourselves. Want to take a girl out to a date? Make sure it's a date. And that goes for both men and women. Never assume anything.

 

By default, people will play in the gray area. Because it offers them the most number of options. If you don't want the ambiguity, clear it up.

 

Probably the best, most concise summation of the subject at hand.

 

I can't think of an instance during a time when I had a boyfriend, where I accepted an invitation by a member of the opposite sex, to go out together one-on-one.

 

It's a question of right versus wrong, what is appropriate versus what isn't, which in itself is subjective. For example, say you have been dating the same person for a few months, you've been physically intimate with each other, but no discussion of being exclusive. The man mentions he is going to a friend's party with a female friend, he was supposed to pick her up but instead meets her there. He mentions to the female he is dating, that his female friend was mad at him for not picking her up instead. You want to give the man the benefit of the doubt, and view it as platonic, and I suppose that is where trust comes in. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone where you are mistrustful towards these types of interactions.

 

Personally, I can be friends with a male and have no desire towards him in a romantic fashion. I can interact with him, hang out with him, and still have no romantic inclination towards him. I do tend to notice though, that when I was in a mutually exclusive committed relationship, I really didn't have a desire to have and/or maintain platonic friendships with other men. Whether or not that was "healthy" on my part, I am not sure. I guess that is something I need to further explore for myself having now thought about it....

 

I definitely agree that there need to be firm and mutually agreed-to boundaries around these kinds of friendships when in a relationship, and indeed if I were with someone who felt some need to continuously make new and close opposite-sex friendships that would set off alarm bells for me.